Ok. So everyone and their mama have been talking about Kanye West’s short film “Runaway.” It was highly anticipated. People pissed their pants in suspense. It was just hyped. I didn’t give much of a damb though. Just because I figured I’d see it when I saw it. However, I did go into it with preconceived notions and expectations. I fully expected it to be a 35-minute ‘Ye ego stroke.
Anywho, the folks on Twitter pressured me into watching it last night and I did. And now I’m mad.
Before I go on, I’d like to say that I’m a Kanye West fan. His music goes hard. His flow is dope. I got all his CDs. Well, apart from 808s. Let’s act like that didn’t happen much. Anyway, moving on.
So I watched Kanye’s “Runaway” and my FIRST thought was “WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT, ‘YE???” No really. WHAT. WAS. THAT??? Then I kicked every trashcan in my house. RUNAWAY was a Clusterf*ck! What made me angry? I lost 31 GOOD minutes of my life that I can never get back by watching that film. I don’t even understand how bad it was gonna be.
Yes it was colorful and crisp and all HD-fied. The visuals were interesting. And it starred Selita Ebank’s boobs. I’m sure the fellas (and some ladies) fully enjoyed that. I may or may not have been hating on her for the perfect boobage. But that’s neither here nor there. If you want to watch it, here it is below. Although I suggest you “runaway” from it. ZING! You didn’t expect me to NOT make that bad joke, didja?
HOWEVER… the “film” was just awful for me to watch. Here’s a synopsis:
First it starts with Kanye running really fast, like he’s at his high school relay race. I WAS impressed by his sprinting ability. I’ll give him THAT credit. Then I heard a voice that made me wanna jump into whatever fire was on the screen. It was Nicki Minaj’s. Figures. Then a really cool car drove down a deserted road. For some reason, I had the urge to go to a dealership and buy a car. GREAT commercial! Then there was a human bird on the floor after the nice car blew up. Kanye carried her away.
This human bird was all dusty and seemed to be an extra from “Encino Man.” However, she was a HOT bird. Selita Ebanks makes wings and dust look segzy. And somehow, Kanye’s pounding on some production box with big buttons and the human bird starts to cluck dance. Like his music is so good, she (from just couldn’t help her little alien body but to juke awkwardly).
(O___o) – This was my exact look at this point.
They go to some festival thing with fireworks and a giant bust of Kang Miko’s head. Then some dinner happens with a bunch of nicely-dressed folks and ones goes “Do you know your girl is a bird?” Then Kanye delivered some flat line saying no he hadn’t noticed. Then some ballerinas come and perform for what seems to be FOREVER. Kanye stands on a piano and watches them.
(O_______O) – THAT is an extensive side-eye. I wanted it to end already.
And then one of the ballerinas has a long solo. And shit. And then the ballerinas go away. Then they bring food to the table. One of the platters has a dead bird on it, and the bird’s wings are the same color as Hot Human Alien Bird Selita’s and she starts to scream all loud. Everyone runs away from the table.
(O___O O___o -___-) – My eyes were BLEEDING at this point. But I kept on watching. For the greater good of Y’ALL. *deep sigh*
Kanye and Human Bird then have a heart-to-heart (she speaks English??? Did she know how to this whole time? So why was she just mute? Too many questions? Aight). And their convo’s all deep (I assume. My side-eye was so strong at this time that my face was all contorted and I couldn’t hear nothing over the shade I was throwing in my head). Then Kanye and Human Bird have Interspecies Southside Slippery Slide (Secks).
Then Kanye starts to run again and Human Bird flies away in a fire while wearing a gold breastplate. Oh. Turns out Human Bird is a Phoenix. oh ok. The end.
Listen. I say LISTEN. I KNOW that I’m as shallow as a drool spot. I’m less deep than a bottle cap. I know this. But I’ll be gahtdambed if there was stuff to “get” in this film. It was PAINFUL to watch.
I’ma say it. I think Kanye is like that kid who has so many ideas in school and wants to direct the school play, but you know if you let him, he’d do the most and it’d last 4 hours. Well, the difference is he is still that kid. Except now he can do it himself since he has the money. And people are like “well he’s paying so…” *looks at Hype Williams*
I like Kanye. I does. But iRebuke that film in the name of Hitchcock’s slouchy cheeks. That 31 minutes (it’s 34 total but the last 3 minutes were credits and I ain’t watching that shit!) was the longest I’ve had in a long time.
Things I’d rather do with 31 minutes rather than watch “Runaway” again include:
- Count the grains of rice left in my bowl
- Paint my nails, smear them on purpose, and repaint them. Just because.
- Listen to Taylor Swift’s CD
- Count how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop
It was that bad. TO ME. I may be alone in this. Maybe it’s because I’m a jerk sometimes. And shallow. And not a part of the Intellectuals. But all I saw with “Runaway” was Kanye looking handsome while showing he needs an acting coach. I also saw Selita Ebanks as a very alluring Human alien bird who can’t dance good (yes good). And a lotta nice colors on the screen. But I don’t have time (or patience) to decipher hidden messages and metaphors. I just don’t have time.
Seriously, what was the point? This vid was just “When keeping it real (different) goes wrong.”
Have y’all seen it? Was I the only one who thought it was bad?
P.S. Seems I’m not alone. Black Snob thought it was a “gorgeous hot mess.” And she actually caught the metaphors. She’s smart.