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Madame Cameroon’s Lethal Side-Eye

This picture really is my everything. I have officially found myself a new role model. She is Chantal Biya, the First Lady of Cameroon. Me and one of my besties, Kindred had roast tourette’s from looking at this pic.

If looks could kill, this one would ANNIHILATE

Luvvie: What do I say to that??? Where do I begin, Lawd????

Kindred: HA! I tried to warn yo life, but now you are slayed in the name Mama Tina’s long lost Creole ancestress

Luvvie: That side eye of glory gave me life, killt me dead and breathed oxygen into me at the same damn time

Kindred: Lethal, you hear me?! I think she models her look after Storm…but with an Island flavor. Ha! Tropic Storm game proper!

Luvvie: I feel like my life don changed for the better by seeing that

Kindred: I know mine has. I can rest easy knowing that British hoes are being murked en masse

Luvvie: She is a hybrid of Chaka Khan, Tina Turner and Mama Tina rolled into one

Kindred: One of them might be hiding in that tower of terror atop her head

Luvvie: You see that mammoth hairhat??? Can’t nobody tell me she aint win an auction of the costume dept from The Wiz And dyed the lion’s mane and put that on

Kindred: She is yo QUEEN. Yo Black Sheba. Your Enchanted Tigress!

Luvvie: Its perfectly feline feathered. iCant. That lady is a fierce kitty! I aint lying!

Kindred: Oooo, her aura is feisty. I think my monitor just gave me two snaps round the world

Luvvie: Then her eyebrows!!! Lawd her eyebrows! They look like that key on the keyboard that points up ^

Kindred: LMAO only if the tune is one of sass. Maybe Yamaha can give her an endorsement

Luvvie: They are all types of literal and figurative shaaaapness

Kindred: You see them angles, folk? Her arch is arched

Luvvie: The better to ice grill you with

Kindred: Naw her grill is one of heat and unbridled rage. That pasty mess offended her lifespace with her blandness

Luvvie: And her face? Sponsored by Fashion Fair. All them layers of makeup

Kindred: Is there such a thing as bedazzled spackle? Cause if not, there is now

Luvvie: RuPaul is somewhere MAD at being swagger jacked

you-better-work gif

Kindred: Nah, I’d like to think he’s somewhere writing her a Thank You lettah for inspiring folks round the world to resurrect their inner Diva and let her Shine

Luvvie: All of this just makes this lethal side eye better

Kindred: It’s the total package. You can’t put this kind of ensemble together overnight. It is a perfect storm of fever…correction: Perfect Tropic Storm

Luvvie: I mean I feel like I ain’t even worthy of seeing this pic

Kindred: Blessings come in many ways – now I have motivation to continue my daily side-eye exercises without fear of becoming wonky pupil-ed

Luvvie: I’m a side-eye rookie compared to her

Kindred: That side-eye represents her life, her countrymen, their struggle, their fears, their success. It’s a badge of honor and a heavy burden

Luvvie: She is my Mr Miyagi and I must study this pic for hours… Nay, months so I can be side-eye game proper

Kindred: We all have our goals. If I can slay someone upon my deathbed with a side-eye like this, I’m sure I’d be brought back to life and perfect health almost instantly. Karma, ya know

Luvvie: That lady gotta feel some heat on the side of her face The way Madame Cameroon is looking at her? I bet she got a black bruise on her cheek now and don’t know how it got there

Kindred: LMAO can you imagine her the next day?! “Oh drat, I’ve got quite the blemish here”

Luvvie: Whooo lawd. Madame UK don’t even knoe it but its a shell of her former self sitting there

Kindred: Her soul is somewhere dazed and confused. It went for the light and got straight bamboozled

Luvvie: She don’t knoe the old her is dead and gone. Cause: Lethal side-eye administered by hating ass first lady

Kindred: That hate is so powerful it can be acquired by osmosis. Now I hate Madame Crumpets and I’m still not sure why

Luvvie: Seriously, this pic is everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed

Kindred: This day has to be the worst of Madame UK’s life. The only way it could get any worse is if Chris Brown showed up and asked her to go on a car ride

Luvvie: I aint scared of lions, tigers or bears but I’m scared of THAT side-eye

Kindred: I’m pretty sure First Lady Creole can now be classified as a terrorist AND war hero

Luvvie: Jeebs be a protective cloak or somefin for Madame UK

Kindred: No mere cloak is strong enough to protect her! Madame UK needs a distraction, like a handful of Fashion Fair compacts to toss at her and run. Oooh, or maybe a mirror like Medusa

Luvvie: I bet that side-eye scared her teeth straight

Kindred: Let’s not get out of hand here. We all know there’s no such thing as a British dentist, so a side-eye couldn’t possibly resurrect Madame UK’s teeth

Luvvie: I’m weak from looking at pic too long I need to lie down *faints dramatic like*

Kindred: I wonder if you fell in her weave, would I ever see you again? Would you return 20 years later to regale me with mystic tales of adventure?

Luvvie: Annnnnddd scene

*takes a bow*

———
Even after all that was said and done, I STILL had more roast. Doesn’t Madame Cameroon look like she needs to be Chronicling Narnia? She got the lion and the witch part DOWN. All she needs is that magical wardrobe. iCan’t. Clearly I got comments for DAYS on this pic.

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44 Comments

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ory Okolloh and webinista, Saitonne. Saitonne said: @kenyanpundit ooooooh my Chantal Biya please look for a lion's mane wig, overdo the make up & hand out copies of this http://bit.ly/9ITJfC […]

  2. MsMelissa!
    October 15, 2010 at 8:46 am — Reply

    Kindred: I wonder if you fell in her weave, would I ever see you again? Would you return 20 years later to regale me with mystic tales of adventure?

    Luvvie: Annnnnddd scene

    *takes a bow*

    ~Can somebody please come get me up off the floor~

    • KaraoKiKi
      August 4, 2014 at 11:48 pm — Reply

      I’m so glad I want drinking or eating anything when I read this. I dropped my phone twice! #dead LMAO!!

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by OluLuvvie AdeRatchet and Erika Nicole Kendall, Adrienne Dixson. Adrienne Dixson said: RT @inetespionage: Her hair… is the stuff of legends. #aquanet RT @luvvieig: New AweLuv post: Madame Cameroon's Lethal Side-Eye http://bit.ly/blslc8 […]

  4. Nana
    October 15, 2010 at 10:02 am — Reply

    Luvvie: That lady gotta feel some heat on the side of her face The way Madame Cameroon is looking at her? I bet she got a black bruise on her cheek now and don’t know how it got there

    Kindred: LMAO can you imagine her the next day?! “Oh drat, I’ve got quite the blemish here”

    *DEAD*

  5. October 15, 2010 at 10:14 am — Reply

    My Canadian accent will not do this justice so I have to give it to you in the words of my Trini mum:

    The two ah allyuh is rel schupid.

    Translation: you two are effing fools!

  6. Mel~
    October 15, 2010 at 10:23 am — Reply

    There are more pictures out there of First Lady Cameroon ocular-ly laying into people. She cuts eyes like it’s part of the job description of being the First Lady.

    I ain’t e’en mad…

    • carsonn_97
      August 4, 2014 at 9:06 pm — Reply

      Annnndddd you just killed me beyond resurrection!

  7. October 15, 2010 at 10:28 am — Reply

    iHatchu iquit you yet again…. murked at “Kindred: Lethal, you hear me?! I think she models her look after Storm…but with an Island flavor. Ha! Tropic Storm game proper!”

    and this… “Luvvie: RuPaul is somewhere MAD at being swagger jacked”

    “Kindred: This day has to be the worst of Madame UK’s life. The only way it could get any worse is if Chris Brown showed up and asked her to go on a car ride”

    I cannot stop laughing!! Whoooooooo I can’t breave! Yall ain’t shit! And yall ain’t seen my side eye! LMAO

  8. Kay
    October 15, 2010 at 10:43 am — Reply

    You know what Luv Bug? I quit you!! I swear I do…*slams laptop down & walks away, only to return tomorrow*

  9. paintgurl40
    October 15, 2010 at 11:16 am — Reply

    Damn!! got to work on my side eye…this one is da ultimate!!! she looking at her like BITCH….puhleeze!!! yall aint shit for digging up this mess!

  10. krocka
    October 15, 2010 at 2:44 pm — Reply

    my side-eye is a newborn compared to madame “imma mean ol’ lion” cameroon’s….

    • likeramona
      October 15, 2010 at 3:34 pm — Reply

      iquit krocka for “imma mean ‘ol lion”

      iquit luvvie for me sitting here on this bus laughin & cying w/da peeples lookin @me like whatsamatter fo dat bish?

    • August 4, 2011 at 1:20 am — Reply

      *slayed*

    • mobaygurl
      August 4, 2014 at 9:26 pm — Reply

      *sick with laughter and tears*

  11. keisha brown
    October 15, 2010 at 7:12 pm — Reply

    why am i howling like a damn werewolf? this post has me channeling my inner MJ-Thriller video. (minus the dance sequence). LMFAO.

    • August 4, 2011 at 1:20 am — Reply

      Okay?! Me and you both!

  12. Lee
    October 15, 2010 at 11:02 pm — Reply

    Forget a bullet proof vest, UK needs a side-eye proof vest, cause damn.

    Next time SWAT needs a sniper they need to call her to come throw a side-eye at some fool hostage taker. She don’t need a red laser dot to aim and shoot.

  13. October 16, 2010 at 4:25 pm — Reply

    You know I read that the first time around, and you know I now spend way too much time seeking extraordinary side-eyes, so don’t act surprised when I say you n Kindred are responsible for my obsessive compulsive disorder.

  14. likeramona
    October 17, 2010 at 1:37 pm — Reply

    why am i still laughin @this???!!! OOOOOWEEEEE

  15. yadi
    October 19, 2010 at 12:05 pm — Reply

    now that, my dear, is the alpha and omega of side-eyes.

    u guys are hilarious….love it!

    • October 20, 2010 at 12:38 am — Reply

      Madame Cameroon SERVED!!!

  16. JayinATL
    February 16, 2011 at 8:58 am — Reply

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read! You guys are hilarious! Have to spread the word to friends.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:48 am — Reply

      I definitely appreciate that, J!

  17. Rory
    April 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm — Reply

    Thundercats hooooooooo!

    • August 4, 2011 at 1:23 am — Reply

      I’on like you for that! *dyin*

    • Sane Jane
      April 7, 2013 at 5:07 pm — Reply

      That comment makes it a wrap! ROFLLMFAO

  18. August 4, 2011 at 6:04 am — Reply

    Girl this post had me laughing like a madwoman…I had tears streaming down my face and my abdominals got a helluva workout behind you and Kindred’s foolery…that side-eye is hella damb fierce, though; it’s right up there with Prince’s side-eye. (There is a .gif …do yourself a favor and Google it.)

  19. complexlady
    October 20, 2011 at 5:33 pm — Reply

    Kindred: No mere cloak is strong enough to protect her! Madame UK needs a distraction, like a handful of Fashion Fair compacts to toss at her and run. Oooh, or maybe a mirror like Medusa.

    I can’t breathe

  20. Diva
    August 4, 2014 at 8:36 pm — Reply

    I would just like to thank the universe that I am not on the receiving end of that side eye. I feel like I may have to phone my British relatives and make sure the slayings of mortals haven’t claimed them.

  21. Kim
    August 4, 2014 at 8:39 pm — Reply

    Mufasa manee? Cackle cackle cackle

  22. jinks jones
    August 4, 2014 at 8:47 pm — Reply

    okay, i really gotta stop reading in the middle of the day, cause i can’t get anything else done!

    she just won 18 gold metal in the side-eye Olympics.

    we are not worthy to even SEE those side-eyes…..

    is that poor UK minister still alive? cause the heat coming out of those eyes would melt SATAN himself?

  23. Anna
    August 4, 2014 at 9:22 pm — Reply

    You can put an Uzzi in that weave.

  24. Troublemaker Supreme
    August 4, 2014 at 9:40 pm — Reply

    Luvvie! She’s in DC right now!!!
    And the dirt floating around the interwebs about her… Whoooo chile!

  25. KeshaB623
    August 4, 2014 at 10:08 pm — Reply

    Wait wait wait! I had to look up who Mama Biya was because she is CLEARLY the queen of the “You betta get yo life right” face. That side-eye is EPIC but why is she always cutting folks with her razor gaze???
    I found another one here and cannot stop cackling! This broad is sitting there like, “She’s not looking at me, is she?” ROFL
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KboSFREBMGc/Se5udgWJOZI/AAAAAAAAAMg/CFrCHNIbTr8/s1600-h/2008-bruni-sarkozy_1388581i.jpg

    • TT
      August 4, 2014 at 11:14 pm — Reply

      Yooooo!! I literally yelped!!

  26. Coca
    August 5, 2014 at 4:01 am — Reply

    She is one of the Stylish first ladies in Africa…

  27. Shannyn
    August 5, 2014 at 5:45 am — Reply

    Kindred: One of them might be hiding in that tower of terror atop her head

    Luvvie: You see that mammoth hairhat??? Can’t nobody tell me she aint win an auction of the costume dept from The Wiz And dyed the lion’s mane and put that on

    Kindred: She is yo QUEEN. Yo Black Sheba. Your Enchanted Tigress!

    Luvvie: Its perfectly feline feathered. iCant. That lady is a fierce kitty! I aint lying!

    I AM DEAD!

  28. lamar
    August 5, 2014 at 7:26 am — Reply

    I am woe out from all the laughter. That was way too much to read all at one time. Whew!

  29. Sequoia
    August 5, 2014 at 8:52 am — Reply

    the fashion fair comments slayed me!! My soul has went up yonder!!!

  30. Danielle
    August 5, 2014 at 7:51 pm — Reply

    It looks like she was caught mid side-eye in this pic. No she didn’t side-eye my FLOTUS!

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zandile-blay/michelle-obama-finally-ge_b_301645.html

  31. November 30, 2014 at 2:35 pm — Reply

    I think FLOC side-eyed FLOUK’s brows off. Check the pic. LOLOL That further proves the lethalness of her side eyes!

  32. December 2, 2014 at 4:06 am — Reply

    Scary part is I could do that with my hair. My real actual hair, not a weave. I wake up with a giant hair hat threatening to consume my head. Mine looks like the guy from Party Rock Anthem tho.

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