My Life

Black Velvet Napoleon FAILED

First of all, I partied 3 days out of the 4-day weekend. I was kicking it like it was college or something. And I paid for it by being in a faux coma on Sunday. My body was like “Homie, I’m not sure who you THANK you are but ummm, you got me messed up!” I was just all typed of tah’d. I had fun though. But trust and believe that most nights, I’ll be indoors now. It’s cold outside, so I need to be indoors cuddling doing work and drinking hot cocoa. Anywho…

Lemme tell you all a story of what happened to me last week. So I went to a part one of my fave DJs was throwing the night of Thanksgiving. In true ME fashion, I showed up late. But it was a good shindig. I LOVE me some Nigerian music! And Dee Money’s the dopest with it. And I ran into a couple of folks who said they knew it was me because of the boots I had on:

The leather’s like buttah. My boots game is not a game

When the party ended, I’m was standing around tryna figure out my next move. Go home, or head to a friend’s crib for a get-together that was still happening. Decisions, decisions. I was minding my own business (as I always do O___o) when some short dude in a velvet blazer approached me. Short, as in MY height (I’m 5’4). And velvet, as in crushed. He also had on a shirt and tie. At a party. Sir…

Anywho… he walks up to me and goes “Are you Nigerian?” And I thought “NAW IJOT! I was just in the party dancing to and singing Naija music for the last 2 hours.

Me: Yes I am.

Him: Well I’m from ATL.

Me: Good for you. *looks back at Blackberry*

Him: You from Chicago?

Me: Yeah.

Him: What part of the city you from?

Me: North.

Him: I’m staying in Aurora during my visit.

Me: *blank stare* O__O *looks back down at vibrating phone*

Him: So what are you doing after this?

Me: Headed to a friend’s crib.

At this point, I was just giving him blank stare and wondering what his point was. So he goes “Why don’t you come to my suite?”

NEGROWHAT? DID THIS NAPOLEON COMPLEX HAVING ASSWAD JUST ASK ME TO COME TO HIS GAHTDAMB SUITE???? My head was ringing with all these snarky response. So I looked at him like I was studying him because he is CLEARLY some experiment gone wrong. So I calmly asked “Why would I do that?”

Him: Because it’ll be sweet in my suite. We’ll have fun.

SWEET IN YOUR SUITE??? Who the hell wrote you that janky ass line? SIR…

And I was just PERPLEXED like HOL’ UP WAYMENT! Do I look hoeish??? I had on skinny jeans, those boots, and a three-quarter sleeve henley with a vest over it. AND my jacket. So I KNOW I wasn’t throwing Ho vibes at dude. I was confuzzled.

So then… after I ice-grill him to death, I go “No thanks” and walk away. He walks after me and goes… (get ready to get TRULY murked)

Are you ready for instant murkdom? Aight…

“If you from Africa, then you used to the bush. So my suite should be really nice to you.”

LAWDHAMERCYONMYSOUL JESUSBEAFENCE AIJUSWANACUSS LAWDHOLDMYMULE SOMEBODYGETMYJAILMONEY NOTHISBITCHDIDNT

DID THIS SHORT BASTARD AND CLASSLESS WONDER JUST TELL ME I’M USED TO THE BUSH BECAUSE I’M AFRICAN???? I had 2 choices… I could cuss his WHOLLLLLLEEEE ENTIRE LIFE OUT and lose all sorts of couth and possibly try to fight him (he was 5’4. I could take him). OR…I could walk away and keep my blood pressure down a little bit.

I wanted to be like “FUCKER, I had a damb maid and driver in Nigeria. I’ll buy your whole fucking person and use you as my houseboy.” This bitch had the unmitigated GALL to talk to a WHOLE me like I was some hoodrat on the street to be swayed by a hotel suite.

I turned around, looked at him and said “BITCH PLEASE!” and walked away. That was the only thing I thought was best because if I had started, it woulda been an EPIC ass cussout. And I might have lost my temper ALLLLLL the way and tried to fight him. I was just OUTDONE! I had to walk away from that. Had I not, I’da been the chick who clawed out some dude’s eyes. That was gon be ugly.

THIS BASTARD!!!

5 minutes later, he walks to me and goes “I apologize for what I said. You should come party with me though.” I wanted stab him in the heart. Like literally stab his right ventricle and twist it. Instead, I looked at him with felony in my eyes.

Chile… iCANNOT! My blood pressha was skyhigh!

I forgot to tell you the part where I said “I don’t even know you.” Him: I’m Thomas *forgot his last name*. Look me up on Facebook.” O__O This IJOT wanted me to VERIFY his life by searching his FB??? He got life ALL the way f*cked up. Full circle no full stop.

Oh AND the part where he goes “My suite is in Aurora. I can show you the nice suburbs.” NEGRO, ain’t sh*t in aurora but an outlet mall. Go HAVE SEVERAL seats!!! Word to Miss Jia.

And he went “And you going to a friend’s crib? I bet he a broke ass n*gga.” I shoulda kicked him in the balls. I had on boots too! SHOULDA! I’da kicked him so hard his balls woulda retracted and turned into a clit.

That was vulgar. Sorry.

After I walked away, I was like you know what? I know why he did that. It’s actually WORKED before. Some chick fell for those lines. He’s done that before and some poor unfortunate soul actually WENT with him. LADIES, I lowkey blame us for Black Napoleon approaching me like that. If someone hadn’t fallen for this crap before…

Fellas, next time you want to approach some chick to proposition her to come to your hotel room, ASK HER NAME FIRST! Also, if you’re 5’4, mediocre-looking and wearing a velvet blazer, know that your chances of having your proposition accepted are nil to none.

AND if you insult her heritage on some ignorant shit and offend her sensibilities, you just might get a kick in the balls if she wasn’t so cold. And didn’t have shit to do besides go to court for assault.

PLUS if her name is Luvvie, she will be finding your picture on Facebook asaptually, and putting you on blast for the world to see on her blog.

Sidenote: Yes, I’m actually looking for his pic. There were photographers at the event. I betchu it’ll be posted on the Facebook soon. Stay tuned. I WILL find him.

I just want to give him a “FOOL SADDOWN” Gift Basket with a “BITCH, YOU GOT SOME NERVE” aftershave cream thrown in because I’m nice like that.

So yes, that’s my story. Y’all know when I have those, they’re usually rant-worthy. Questions, concerns, feedback? lol

Update: One of my readers emailed me. Turns out that her husband was the photographer for the party! He might have a picture of Black velvet Napoleon! I asked her to search for a picture of a leprechaun in velvet. OMGGGG!!! What are the odds??? I’m over here CRACKING UP! The power of the interwebs. #Shourrout to you and you hubby, Feyi!

Update #2: I still have yet to find a pic of this fool. I won’t stop though. The world is small. I feel like one day, I’ma stumble on his Facebook profile. When I do… IT. IS. ON.

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71 Comments

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by OluLuvvie AdeRatchet, Cephus Mayweather and Me, Myself, and I, Ms. P. Ms. P said: Funniest ish I've read all morning! Lol RT @luvvieig New AweLuv post: Black Velvet Napoleon FAILED http://bit.ly/fQXywN [...]

  2. November 30, 2010 at 9:02 am — Reply

    Now Luvvie. I know you’re an award-winning humour blogger and you have a reputation to uphold and ish. I even recognize the pressures that bloggers feel to continually come up with new and entertaining content.
    BUT.
    You cannot just come up here LYING and telling outlandish tales! There is NO WAY a midget propositioned you, insulted you and your countryment, attempted to validate his lifespace through Facebook AND had the nerve to be doing all that in a VELVET BLAZER. I refuse to believe it.

    • November 30, 2010 at 9:58 pm — Reply

      Now that is funny!

      Haaaay Max! *Waves*

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:33 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!! I couldn’t make this ish up if I tried! I know I’m creative but even I have limits. LOL iSweafoLAWD this happened to me. My life can be comedic at times.

  3. Kay
    November 30, 2010 at 9:09 am — Reply

    Luv Bug, I feel your pain…A dude that I actually know and thought I loved like a brother cause we all grew up together, had the nerve to tell me, I would go mad, just ape shit behind his dick game! NEGRO, PLEASE!!! Are you for serious?? That’s how you come at me??? You knew my mother (RIP), you know my dad and knows damn well he dont play like that!! What made you come at me like that?? Sitcho ass down some damn where…clown!

    • Kay
      November 30, 2010 at 9:10 am — Reply

      Hey, where’s my gravie???

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:33 pm — Reply

      LAWDT!!! Folks need to get it together!

  4. Nana
    November 30, 2010 at 9:44 am — Reply

    Luvvie, you should have busted his head to the white meat. 1. For his wack game 2. for his ignorance and 3. for that horrible velvet blazer.

    • November 30, 2010 at 9:52 pm — Reply

      Thats what I’m talmbout to the white meat!! ROTFL

  5. Eve~
    November 30, 2010 at 10:00 am — Reply

    :/ :| :( :'( :\ >:( >:o

    These are all the emotions I felt while reading this. I would have punted him ALLAWAY through the goal posts of life – making sure I hooked either left or right so that he would hit an upright.

    I would not have, COULD NOT HAVE kept my composure. So kudos to you, Luvvie.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:34 pm — Reply

      LMAOOOOOOO @ punting him away. RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDOH! I should have.

  6. November 30, 2010 at 10:02 am — Reply

    I can’t believe he thought any of that would work… The lines, the velvet; fail from jump.

    Oh, and this:
    “I’ll buy your whole fucking person and use you as my houseboy.”

    I don’t care who, what, when, where or how, but I WILL be using this statement this week!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:34 pm — Reply

      Feel free to use that. You have my permission. Just send them my way. Kthx! lol

  7. Capricorn
    November 30, 2010 at 10:43 am — Reply

    OMG. I saw the pic on Twittah and the recap just kilt me. :)

    lol!!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:35 pm — Reply

      NAWL! The pic you saw on Twitter was of the Super African. That story is for another day.

  8. Mrscamp
    November 30, 2010 at 10:48 am — Reply

    So after I read the bush comment, I HAD to jump down here and comment!!!! I couldn’t even finish reading the post!!! My office mate asking me, “what happen?” Lawd, the fact that you didn’t molly-wop this dude back to whatever alternate universe he came from is astonishing! For him to have the unmitigated gall to say some bull-ish like that, his safety would not be guaranteed in my presence!!!! Alright, back to the post…..

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:35 pm — Reply

      Yeah I deserve some sort of sainthood award for not mollywopping him. I wonder if the Queen of England can deem me a madam.

  9. shadgg02
    November 30, 2010 at 10:50 am — Reply

    first off….Luvvie, you keep me cracking up.

    NOW, on to this mess.
    normally, i stay lurking and laugh in the comforts of my own home and work (dont judge), but i had to speak on this.

    FIRST, the “what is that velvet??” blazer would have caused all sorts of Cussing Tourette’s fits, cuz to think that he pulling females with that is just so…..

    SECOND, the fact that he had enough confidence and GALL (was he drinking?) to even come at you with all these lines and THINK that you were just gonna fall in line like all the rest???? you were on point to say BITCH PLEASE…

    THIRD, he would have been immediately considered a STALKER, since he followed you not once but TWICE!! and THAT alone would have caused an ass whoopin, molly-wopping session. DAMBAJAIL!!!

    And finally…..just because you have a SUITE don’t give you the right to insult your heritage simply on the UNEDUCATED facts that he so feels he is encouraged to give out for free.

    so glad you did NOT give him your name….

    peace and blessings!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:36 pm — Reply

      GIRL I did wanna bust out a “Coming to America” quote on his ass. He sure was confident to approach a WHOLE me with that nonsense. And his persistence was just a mess. Girl…

  10. November 30, 2010 at 11:32 am — Reply

    LAWDHAMERCYONMYSOUL JESUSBEAFENCE AIJUSWANACUSS LAWDHOLDMYMULE SOMEBODYGETMYJAILMONEY NOTHISBITCHDIDNT

    hahhahaha! im still recovering! shawty doo wop had tall man confidence and an ignorant man’s ignorance. but ur right someone in ATL gave him the go ahead with those ratchet lines. *sigh* the south rests on my shoulders. we arent all alike claude a mercy!

    • MsMelissa!
      November 30, 2010 at 12:49 pm — Reply

      Um myeahm I just emailed that to my co-worker!

      Wish I couldve used it last week when I had to let loose on someone hehehe

      • December 1, 2010 at 11:37 pm — Reply

        LOL! Each one, roast one.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:37 pm — Reply

      Dude thought he was of height to act so cocky. Sir, go that way —–>

  11. November 30, 2010 at 2:10 pm — Reply

    I. Just. Snorted…because my laughter tried to bust through my head…and had no space to go.
    Thank you..
    Hilarious. Please post the pic.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:38 pm — Reply

      Holding back laughter can sometimes have dire consequences. Glad you’re still with us. :-D

  12. paintgurl40
    November 30, 2010 at 2:45 pm — Reply

    Hell naw!! U should’ve stomped on that cockroach! Now I’ve HEARD IT ALL!! “You used to a bush…??” Oh hell naw!!! I’m getting mad with you Luvvie!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:39 pm — Reply

      SEE? Now you see why I had felony in my eyes.

  13. November 30, 2010 at 3:19 pm — Reply

    i don’t know what makes me sadder… the fact that he kicked that lame game or the fact that I bet some chick ended up going to his “sweet suite” o_0

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:39 pm — Reply

      His Sweet suite was prolly a bitter boudoir.

  14. November 30, 2010 at 3:47 pm — Reply

    GIRL. I had a negroe hit me with a ” I wanna rub on yo booty”…with his girlfriend standing 10 feet away. It’s the price we pay for not publicly humiliating thee triflin’ guys the second they approach us.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:39 pm — Reply

      OH NOOOOO!!!! What did you say to him after that?

  15. November 30, 2010 at 3:50 pm — Reply

    poor Luvvie! i woulda gone to jail.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:40 pm — Reply

      Yeah I considered it. Then I realized I’d rather spend my savings on a vacay rather than bail money.

  16. CurlyKye
    November 30, 2010 at 6:30 pm — Reply

    Lawwwwwwwd I can’t wait to see his pic. That man really has no clue who in fact he was messing with (and her followers)…*smdh*

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:40 pm — Reply

      Right! He ain’t know that I was born to roast wackness to pieces. He will know soon.

  17. November 30, 2010 at 6:58 pm — Reply

    MiniMan was all the way outta pocket.
    But, ummm, isn’t Aurora also the home of Wayne’s World?

    Party on, Wayne.
    Party on, Garth.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:41 pm — Reply

      ROTF @ Wayne’s World. You dumb!

  18. November 30, 2010 at 8:01 pm — Reply

    What a Massengill DOUCHE, son!! For real!! I aint nevah heard such foolishness in my life. HE showed his whole ass! I mean his whole, ashy short black ass!! MY GOD!! Jesus…be a redeemer of the foolish!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:41 pm — Reply

      “whole, ashy short black ass” just made me cackle. Thank you.

    • Stacy
      December 3, 2010 at 1:25 pm — Reply

      I revisted this post for the laughs and saw this.. Gurl imma have to find some panty liners I think I peed myself.

      “Jesus…be the redeemer of such foolishness”

      Let the church say AMEN!!

      ROTFL

      • December 7, 2010 at 5:02 am — Reply

        LMAO!!! Ok you just made me cackle!

  19. November 30, 2010 at 9:48 pm — Reply

    Your whole post has murked me like no other!! THISSSS—> “Go HAVE SEVERAL seats!!!” just zip up the damn forensic bag and throw me on the stretcher!!

    I have been slayed a 100 times!!! You should have slapped him!!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:41 pm — Reply

      I’ll say some nice words at your funegro.

  20. December 1, 2010 at 3:13 am — Reply

    On a night when it’s 3 am and I cannot sleep this is exactly what I needed. But my 3 children and husband, who are sleeping peacefully in their beds, but were rudely awakened by my uncontrolable laughter want to reach through my PC and try to slap you for causing this household disturbance. Now, I must shut my computer down and meekly ease back into bed as my husband gives me the nastiest side eye I have ever seen. Good Night.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:42 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!! Krystal, tell your hubby it aint my fault. Blame it on Black velvet napoleon!

  21. missthg
    December 1, 2010 at 1:32 pm — Reply

    LAWDHAMERCYONMYSOUL JESUSBEAFENCE AIJUSWANACUSS LAWDHOLDMYMULE SOMEBODYGETMYJAILMONEY NOTHISBITCHDIDNT….that need to be a bumper sticker!!! Girl you had me hollering over her talmbout the velvet jacketed fool!!!

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:43 pm — Reply

      I’ll make those into tshirts.

  22. Miss D
    December 1, 2010 at 2:46 pm — Reply

    iCant with all of that but your boots are FIERCE! Where did you get those?

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:43 pm — Reply

      Thanks I got those boots sometime last year at a boutique in Chicago.

  23. December 1, 2010 at 6:26 pm — Reply

    I’ll have you know….that I tried to put my head on my arm that was resting on the table and laugh quietly.. cause my daughter was doing her homeowrk…..and because of this line…. “Like literally stab his right ventricle and twist it” ….i missed my arm and just hit the table… and even with this new knot on my forehead…. I’m still laughing…

    this shit was too funny for me… just awesome

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:44 pm — Reply

      Why did I visualize this and laugh until I cried? Not the forehead arm slip! lmaoooo

  24. keisha brown
    December 1, 2010 at 7:54 pm — Reply

    ….waiting for picture.

    • December 1, 2010 at 11:44 pm — Reply

      Gurl ME TOO! Shoo…

  25. BukkyB
    December 3, 2010 at 5:55 pm — Reply

    ::SIGH::

    Luvvie, Luvvie, Luvvie your story sounds oh so familiar! I’ve just about given up on Naija parties, cause I swear for life it is only there where IJOTS like your Velvet Blazer guy come out in all their glory. But the music (and food) keep drawing me back in.

    I’ve had dudes with shades on (in clubs, in houses, outside at night) spout pure FOOLISHNESS and they all start with … “Are you Nigerian?”

    • December 7, 2010 at 5:01 am — Reply

      Yeah those Naija parties… the music WILL getchu but the foolish men that sometimes attend will make you frown SO hard!

  26. Tashafina
    December 5, 2010 at 7:56 am — Reply

    I’m glad Aisha shared this story! I’m gon have to check this site regularly now. Too funny!

    • December 7, 2010 at 5:01 am — Reply

      YAYYY! Thanks for stopping by! Don’t be a stranger!

  27. December 5, 2010 at 8:52 am — Reply

    Funny story. I’ve always told women that when a man approaches her in such an uncouth manner, it’s usually because it’s worked for him before. The whole time I’m reading this, I’m like, “He’s said this to someone before.” So when YOU finally said so, I had a nice, long laugh.

    “Leprechaun in velvet.” Hilarious.

    • Leo the Yardie Chick
      July 24, 2011 at 1:06 pm — Reply

      We need to find these no-self-esteem-having women, and give them a good heart-to-heart. I can’t see those lines working on anyone with self-worth and a brain.

  28. Chantell
    December 13, 2010 at 8:53 pm — Reply

    This is the first time I’ve commented here . . . love your hilarious blog! What prompted me to finally delurk is that I still really want to see a pic of Black Velvet Napoleon. Is that still a possibility?

  29. July 29, 2011 at 5:29 am — Reply

    First of all, love.those.boots.

    Second, I got mad as all fuckin’ hell when he had the audacity to say some ignant shit like that…who in the world does he think he is? Did he think he was hawt shyt because he had some schmaggedy hotel suite that he probably made a payment arrangement on his car note and phone bill to be able to afford? Get the damn gun.

    Third: Oh, and speaking of gun, I was murked when you said “I looked at him with felony in my eyes.” Can I puhleeze steal (borrow) that? :D

  30. Serenity
    August 26, 2011 at 9:11 pm — Reply
  31. January 18, 2013 at 2:09 pm — Reply

    I’m at my doc appointment losing my breathe over haaaaaaa

  32. clarisse
    February 11, 2013 at 9:52 pm — Reply

    iCan’t. iCan’t cause I’m dead. LMAO!!!! The funniest part is when you were vulgar, I’m dead.

  33. February 11, 2013 at 10:22 pm — Reply

    The real stories are always the BEST stories!!! This one reminds me of a dude on a bus stop who was maybe 5’1″ and his arms were hanging to his knees. Yes really. I will let you just ponder that without the rest of the story.

    This post made me laugh, cry, sigh, and more. HILARIOUS AND INSANE!! I would have drop kicked him too.

  34. Jacqxzdiva
    February 26, 2013 at 3:50 pm — Reply

    I JUST need to type that I stopped reading after the bus comment cuz I fell outta my seat in convulsions…before I finish eading, I ned reassurance that this KNEEGAH was murked nd tortured in the most horrible of ways…please Lovina, PLEEESSS!

  35. Coco Malaika
    April 16, 2013 at 3:21 pm — Reply

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this is like so funny (the narration) and quite annoying (As an African I do not even see where he gets off assuming and assuming wrong)!!! NEGRO PLEASE!!!! Luvvie, please update and do tell if you got him.

  36. Danielle Robinson
    September 26, 2013 at 10:44 am — Reply

    Hey Luvvie, I’m SorrY For You. I’m From Aurora AnD There Are SoMe good Guys Out Here. Too Bad You Had To Meet The Velveteen Negro Making My City Look Bad.

  37. Duni
    February 10, 2014 at 12:09 pm — Reply

    I’m late, but these dudes will come up with insults thinking they are spitting game when its just foolishness. This dud (not a dude but a dud) kept trying to touch me and then said he doesn’t understand why fat girls (me) try to play like they don’t like the attention. And that if he smelt like fried chicken I’d be on him… and he kept trying.
    Oye! I was vexed, something fierce. I had to walk away or attempt to kill him.

  38. DocRod
    March 25, 2014 at 7:30 am — Reply

    Flatlined. _______ #dead. #revivedbylaughter

  39. April 17, 2014 at 12:39 am — Reply

    You know what is Really Sad! Nothing has changed! Luvie I’m twice your age and I can remember some fool in a club when I was about your offering to pay me a drink and then asking what was he going to get for his drink!!!! And you’re right….he did it because it has worked on some other poor fool! My response…”I can tell you what you ain’t getting and that’s some pussy!”

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