Things That Murk Thugs and Cause Thug Tears

[ 70 ] November 15, 2010 |

As you all know, I’m a thug. I’ve even been called the Suge Knight of Twitter (shoutout to @areefuhstanklin). My goonhood is legendary. It’s epic take has been told all through nowhere… well that ain’t important. I’m just saying. I’m so THUGGISH that I punch teddy bears for no reason. I mean mug little kids I don’t know. I step on pretty flowers. You know? I’m just a rebel (with a cause). Don’t be fooled by this 5’4 petite frame.

However, even the most thuggish of all people have things that throw their thugs on the floor in a *WALL SLIDE.* Every thug has an Achilles heel that renders them as soft and pure as Lindsay Lohan isn’t. Here’s a list of some of those things.

* The Lion King – This is the best cartoon of ALL time. If you disagree with this, you are wrong. LAHN KANG is my MOVIE but I won’t lie. It throws my thug on the floor everytime! It starts off all emotional with the slow music and the animals walking. Then they hold Simba in the air and the animals bow down to him. I mean, one involuntary tearrolls down my cheek. Y’all better HONAH that cute cub! Shoo…

*wall slide* #ThugTears

But even if that scene doesn’t get you verklempt, there’s ONE part of Lion King that could probably make Kim Jong’s thuggish self cry. The stampede! LAWDDDD!!! When Mufasa dies, I do a *CHAIR SLIDE* unto the floor like it’s my first time EVERYTIME. Simba screaming “DAD!!!” I want to jump through the screen and mollywhop Scar while holding Simba to my bosom to comfort him. Thug tears fall. It’s all so trying on my spirit. Dontchu judge my life!!! Lion King was MADE to break thugs down.

Talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Why Scar wasn’t about that life. Discuss.

Tupac and Afeni Shakur (his dear Mama)

* Mamas – Thugs don’t usually show emotion (apart from rage and loathing for societal rules, authority people). The only person who can elicit affection from a thug is a Mom. Man, one of the biggest thugs of all time (Tupac) even wrote a song to his Mama to tell him he loves her. And that song STILL goes hard in the paint!  Shoo… Only thing thugs care about is their money and their mamas. Tell a thug they may get arrested for something and see if they care. But drop the line “I’m telling yo’ mama!” and see if they don’t straighten up quickly. Mamas are thug kryptonites.

* The IRS – Gangsters have gotten off for heinous crimes like murder, money laundering, and being professional criminals only to be caught up by the IRS for tax evasion and end up behind bars anyway. Al Capone killed so many people that I’m sure everyone lost count. He did all this racketeering all up thoooo the country. What got him? Not the FBI but the IRS.

Sidenote: Aight that’s a REAL thug there. I ain’t calling myself a thug to THAT level. I’m just saying… although I’d like to think my side-eye was so stern, it’d make Capone’s fedora wrinkle.

But yeah, let the IRS come for a thug and see if they don’t bust out a *wall slide*. Uncle Sam is a Thug Murker.

* Puppies – Have you ever seen a thug with his dog? Watching a grown man who’s 6’3 and 250 doing baby talk is the funniest thing. Especially when all you see are snarls for him. Given, these puppies may be pitbulls and rottweilers but puppies nonetheless. Thugs like myself would probably get poodles and ish.

No it does not, sir.

You can be thuggish with cute sidekicks!

Papercuts - Us thugs like to pride ourselves on not showing pain often. Grown men play football with torn ACLs, sprained knees and whiplash. But let a thug get a papercut. You’re down for the count! I was in my office stuffing envelopes because my interns skipped out on me when the flap ran across the middle of my finger and I saw a faint red line. Before I knew it, I had yelped and went “DAMBIT!” My coworkers looked at me and I went “I just got a papercut.” They all nodded solemnly. They understood. Papercuts are tiny but pack a powerful punch. I think it’s God’s way of telling humans they sin too much.

If a thug cries at a papercut, it’s acceptable. This is law. Goons get shot up but hold their tears. But let that young papercut happen. See you at the crossroads.

But yes… what murks your thug on the regular?

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Comments (70)

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  1. @ChoklitGemini says:

    The movie UP when the wife dies, I cry EVERY TIME #thugtears

  2. Mzzchi says:

    This post had me falling out with laughter..and thug tears! My addition to the list is “Chubby babies”. I may be the thuggiest thuggish thug around, but send a chubby baby my way and I melt like butter. Those tiny humans make my deep thug voice go up a million octaves! Ugh! And when they LAUGH?! Damn u chubby baby! How dare u?!

  3. HighQuality08 says:

    The movie “My Girl” after Thomas J dies and Veda runs into his funeral crying and talking to him…

    *goes up to the roof*
    *WALLSLIDES down the side of the building*

    Gets me Every. Single. Time.

  4. Lorena says:

    Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It never fails to make me snatch off my lacefront and wipe my tears with it.

  5. Ms. Heaven says:

    I have to agree with you on The Lion King. I try to hold in the Thug Tears, but I don’t do too good. That’s normally when I say “damn, something done got in my damn eye! Imma have to take these contacts out, I’ll be right back.”…exit to the restroom, sniff back a few sniffles, try to stop my nose from getting that crybaby-looking shade of red, and return to the living room…”What I miss? I can see better now. Ya’ll ain’t got to rewind though.” *everyone in the room gives me a side eye but I pretend like I can’t see even though I supposedly got those fresh Bausch & Lomb’s in…*

  6. MsMelissa! says:

    ~passes thug card~~ At the end of Forrest Gump when he is standning over Jennys grave and says “If you ever need anything, I’m not too far away” ….

    …Oh yeah “My Sisters Keeper” gets me snotting up something fierce.

    …Oh yeah and ANY CHILDRENS SCHOOL FUNCTION. Get those little people singnig any song and I am NO GOOD.

    …OK maybe I’m not really a thug hehehe

    • Luvvie says:

      MAN!!! Forrest Gump is DEF a thug murker. I lowkey got misty when the kids picked on him.

      LOLLL @ kids’ school functions. They are adorable when they sing. Ovaries get to twitching.

  7. Scorpiana says:

    Oh.my.God. Luvvie, I have been clowning along with you since I found you this year. I am considered amongst my friends and coworkers that person “not to be messed with”. Hell, I even put my BOSS in time-out. But the one thing that will cause me to lose it any and every time I see it is: the funeral scene from Imitation of Life (the Lana Turner version). When the wanna-be-white girl mulatto is crying with a broken heart over her beautiful, house servant chocolate mother’s funeral, all the waterworks of life get turned on! Other than that, you can start running if you even THINK about dissing my sainted Mother.

  8. Tiffany says:

    I am sorry but Beaches gets me every time. We were watching it this weekend and my brother n law was sitting there like damn that hurt and teared up.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  9. So Flyy says:

    The movie Dear John.

    That movie. Murked. My. Thug. Alla. Way. Up.

    Maaaaaan, i had to pause it THRICE b/c I couldn’t hear it over my sniffling. & when Channing Tatum was reading his daddy that letter by his bedside in the hospital?!

    *wall slide straight to China*

  10. MissMaryMack says:

    now don’t go off judging my #thug off’a my name alone… or the fact that I can’t watch “The Notebook” without dropping a few… *realized her face was screwed up just THINKING about it*

  11. meh says:

    The Fox and The Hound fux my thug all the way up! So as I hear “Im a hound dog whoooo” I get all teary wanting to visit animal shelters and whatnot

  12. Caspercutie says:

    Little Women, the Wynonna Ryder version. When Beth is dying. She talks about how everyone keeps going away, but now she was the one going ahead. Allergies start making my eyes water up and stuff.

  13. I don’t eem be crying and shit cuz THUGS DON’T CRY!! But I’d be a fugging LIAR if I didn’t say that part in ET when he went home had my grown man self staring down my 4 year old self…smfh

    Then that part in Pursuit of Happyness when they were in the washroom yo..but that’s what I heard some other thugs saying and stuff.. Just relaying the message.

    • NY2VA says:

      My husband won’t watch the movie because he knows his thug will be murked. “Ain’t gon have me cryin and sh*t. I already know what time it is.”

    • Ms. Heaven says:

      Ohh! I agree w/The Pursuit of Happyness! I didn’t cry, but I will admit that somebody sucka punched me in the movie theater right at that point, and a few tears fell out my eyes, you know, cuz I wasn’t expecting it. It was dark so I couldn’t see who did it…*sniffles & wipes eyes*

    • Luvvie says:

      Man ET is FAIR GAME. Anyone who doesn’t get misty-eyed at ET is a robot!

      And “Pursuit of Happiness” made a G fail. When Will’s character was trying to hold back tears when he lost one of those machines? Listen… MURKED!

    • MsZ says:

      Im with you on ET. *in my ET voice* I’ll be riiiight heeere. sigh. Gets me every time!! Also, Steel Magnolias. When Shelby dies….. …I gotta go.

  14. Cheekie says:

    Yes, The Lion King and paper cuts are definitely thug murkers. Why paper gotta cut so fiercely?!

    Man, any sad moment in any Pixar EVAH gets me. Any movie that can make me cry within the first few minutes (i.e. Up) is on some thug ish.

    And dude, the end of E.T. when he says “Ouch” and touches his heart?! I’m DONE. And the rest of the scene after that, it is Niagara Falls of tears.

    A good soundtrack in any movie is what gets me. Like, if the scene is silent, it might not affect me as much. But throw some Sarah Maclachlan or some ish over the scene, and I am done for.

    *sobs* WHY YOU GOTTA GO AND MAKE MY ALLERGIES ACK UP, LUVVIE?!

  15. Stacy says:

    @Tiffany…YES! girl BEACHES makes me shed beaucoup thug tears and even do the little kid hiccup, the WHOLE movie but mostly at the end.. LAWDJEZUS!!! And Meet Joe Black is another one.

  16. Dr. Kiti says:

    My thug stands firm and my pimp hand is STRONG. However…there are a few things that will always murk my thug. The movie ‘My Life’ where Michael Keaton is terminally ill and his wife is about to have their first child…I have to watch that one alone. Can’t even let mama see me cry…except for when we watch ‘My Girl’ and ‘Imitation of Life’. I know they’ve already been mentioned but their thug-murkin’ powers are REAL. Don’t test these movies!

    Last but not least: having a good day with my family. If my parents don’t beef, me and my brother don’t beef AND we’ve spent the day together I get all weepy on the way home. Weird to spend the day with family without SOME kind of disagreement. Weird enough to break my thug down to its square root and make me thank God I know them.

  17. legitimate_soul says:

    Bambi…

    Bambi goes hard and gets ya’ when ya’ young. Bambi, Thumper, “He can call me ‘flower’ if he wants to!”, all of them.

  18. BrittBritt says:

    I’m considered the unemotional one in my family. I rarely cry in the open. But HONEY! The movie “My Sister’s Keeper” with Cameron Diaz? Murked. My grown behind was in the movie theater with my sister boo-hooing dinamug. To this day, I will get up and leave out the room when it gets to a certain point.

  19. Nono says:

    No one mentioned Steel Magnolias?? There IS no thug when watching that movie. None!

    I haven’t watched Lion King in ages and now I really ain’t tryna watch it! I hate the stampede.. :-(

  20. Cierra says:

    i’m a real thug.. but lemme tell you something..

    eff 7 pounds man.. it’s the death to all thug nasty ness all over the world.
    cried like a baby back bxtch.. lemme tell you.

    that one fresh prince of bel-air episode when will got all emotional cuz his daddy ain’t want him..
    i shed a tear or two.

  21. Hollatyogirl says:

    When Kimberly Elise dies in Jada’s arms in Set It Off. Hell when they all die in Set It Off.

  22. Lea says:

    My thug gets MURKED when I’m going in on good eats and then BOOM! I bite my damn tongue. If that aint a sumabiznatch!!!! Brings tears to my eyes and ruins my feeding frenzy..damn a wall slide, that joint makes me clutch my mauf and drop to my knees asking for mercy. lol @ Jesus be a kleenex – for realz.

  23. bogart4017 says:

    The end of “Cooley High” when Brenda is looking arfound for Preach. Oh, and crying babies.

  24. mochazina says:

    lotsa murkin in that August Rush movie. you’ve been warned.

  25. Zandria says:

    Okay so no one is going to mention “The Green Mile”? My ex boyfriend is the thuggiest of all thugs and he and I BOTH cried and boo-hooed all through the ending…I’m tearing up now just thinking about it!

  26. @deangelusg says:

    What really murks my thug…”we are family” from dream girls. “WEEE AAARREEEE GROO OOO OOOW IIIIG FREE! WE NEE EEEE EEED YOU”

  27. Elisabeth says:

    I never. ever. cry. Like, I had to get 22 stitches on my index finger on the eve of my 17th birfday and didn’t drop a TEAR. However, my thug kryptonite is “the collah purple” when Nettie and Celie are split apart…*let the sniffling commence* and when they reunite at the end with Mrs. C’s babies in tow…*cue ugly face crying fo reals*….my other movie–The saint of fort washington–the scene when matt dillon is killed in the bathroom and danny glover ain’t got a clue….sobbing. For real, thug persona pushed ALLA way to the ground….my other “Thug is dead busted?”–”Untamed Heart with Marissa Tomei and Christian Slater…when he dies on the way home from the hockey game when his baboon heart gives out….*Loud sobbing like my mama n em died and snotting all over my face and just looking a red-piffy-eyed horror story mess!!* THOSE movies….GET ME….but the one that will Guarantee the tears for the duration? Splendor. In. The. Grass…Getchu some! Warren Beatty and Natalie Wood have a chick just KEENING when Natalie is committed for loving her man that crushed her spirit….GAH!! imdone!!

  28. Tina says:

    Steel Magnolias, The Other Sister, that episode of fresh prince where he was cryin over his daddy, SO MANY SCENES in the Color Purple (particularly the scene when MISTER put Nettie out)EFF A KLEENEX!!! I need to go swimmin or wait for a sudden downpour of rain so I can cry to my thuggish heart’s content and no one will notice…

    • Tasha Ceyan says:

      YESSSSSSS! To all of that. I cry just thinking about that episode of Fresh Prince.

      I actually get mad as the scene when Mufasa dies approaches. I be like ” Look, Disney, we know it’s cold out there and Cain killed Abel, but damn. I’ve watched this a million times, but this time can Mufasa live!!!!” Nope. I’m mad now.

      And don’t even get me started on Up.

  29. Tasha Ceyan says:

    Oh yeah, my thug survived G-Baby getting shot, but my bro and dad respective thugs were slayed to #deff when he died.

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