As you all know, I’m a thug. I’ve even been called the Suge Knight of Twitter (shoutout to @areefuhstanklin). My goonhood is legendary. It’s epic take has been told all through nowhere… well that ain’t important. I’m just saying. I’m so THUGGISH that I punch teddy bears for no reason. I mean mug little kids I don’t know. I step on pretty flowers. You know? I’m just a rebel (with a cause). Don’t be fooled by this 5’4 petite frame.
However, even the most thuggish of all people have things that throw their thugs on the floor in a *WALL SLIDE.* Every thug has an Achilles heel that renders them as soft and pure as Lindsay Lohan isn’t. Here’s a list of some of those things.
* The Lion King – This is the best cartoon of ALL time. If you disagree with this, you are wrong. LAHN KANG is my MOVIE but I won’t lie. It throws my thug on the floor everytime! It starts off all emotional with the slow music and the animals walking. Then they hold Simba in the air and the animals bow down to him. I mean, one involuntary tearrolls down my cheek. Y’all better HONAH that cute cub! Shoo…
But even if that scene doesn’t get you verklempt, there’s ONE part of Lion King that could probably make Kim Jong’s thuggish self cry. The stampede! LAWDDDD!!! When Mufasa dies, I do a *CHAIR SLIDE* unto the floor like it’s my first time EVERYTIME. Simba screaming “DAD!!!” I want to jump through the screen and mollywhop Scar while holding Simba to my bosom to comfort him. Thug tears fall. It’s all so trying on my spirit. Dontchu judge my life!!! Lion King was MADE to break thugs down.
Talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Why Scar wasn’t about that life. Discuss.
* Mamas – Thugs don’t usually show emotion (apart from rage and loathing for societal rules, authority people). The only person who can elicit affection from a thug is a Mom. Man, one of the biggest thugs of all time (Tupac) even wrote a song to his Mama to tell him he loves her. And that song STILL goes hard in the paint! Shoo… Only thing thugs care about is their money and their mamas. Tell a thug they may get arrested for something and see if they care. But drop the line “I’m telling yo’ mama!” and see if they don’t straighten up quickly. Mamas are thug kryptonites.
* The IRS – Gangsters have gotten off for heinous crimes like murder, money laundering, and being professional criminals only to be caught up by the IRS for tax evasion and end up behind bars anyway. Al Capone killed so many people that I’m sure everyone lost count. He did all this racketeering all up thoooo the country. What got him? Not the FBI but the IRS.
Sidenote: Aight that’s a REAL thug there. I ain’t calling myself a thug to THAT level. I’m just saying… although I’d like to think my side-eye was so stern, it’d make Capone’s fedora wrinkle.
But yeah, let the IRS come for a thug and see if they don’t bust out a *wall slide*. Uncle Sam is a Thug Murker.
* Puppies – Have you ever seen a thug with his dog? Watching a grown man who’s 6’3 and 250 doing baby talk is the funniest thing. Especially when all you see are snarls for him. Given, these puppies may be pitbulls and rottweilers but puppies nonetheless. Thugs like myself would probably get poodles and ish.
You can be thuggish with cute sidekicks!
* Papercuts - Us thugs like to pride ourselves on not showing pain often. Grown men play football with torn ACLs, sprained knees and whiplash. But let a thug get a papercut. You’re down for the count! I was in my office stuffing envelopes because my interns skipped out on me when the flap ran across the middle of my finger and I saw a faint red line. Before I knew it, I had yelped and went “DAMBIT!” My coworkers looked at me and I went “I just got a papercut.” They all nodded solemnly. They understood. Papercuts are tiny but pack a powerful punch. I think it’s God’s way of telling humans they sin too much.
If a thug cries at a papercut, it’s acceptable. This is law. Goons get shot up but hold their tears. But let that young papercut happen. See you at the crossroads.
But yes… what murks your thug on the regular?