My Grandmother’s The Crunkest
Luvvie’s note: So I was on GChat with LV aka @Cloud10LV aka the Cephus to my Reesie aka A gahtdamb mess when he barged in with one of his random ass ways of saying hello (i.e. “Slides into the back pew like the folks that come in church late. *whispers* WHAT UP DOE?”) He proceeded to tell me that his Granny’s tryna cancel Christmas this year. First. I fell ALLA way out like “Wait WHAT?!” He then went on to tell me more tales bout Granny being gully as hell. So I asked him to write me a post because I figured y’all would love to hear bout this CRUNK geriatric. Besides, I LOVE ratchet old people because they’ont give TWO dambs! And who gon check them? Not N’AN person!
So yes, let me clear the way for LV the don. Y’all enjoy. Oh and check out his blog at Cloud 10 LV and follow him on Twitter.
Here I am in frigid ass Canada counting down the days, hours and minutes till I get to the Bahamas to spend the holidays with my family when I get news that “Miss Aggie is cancelling Christmas.” DJ, run the track back right quick.. she’s doing what? I quote ‘Miss Aggie is cancelling Christmas!!!’ Now if you know
my grandmother, you know she’s not just your average Bahamian grandmother. You see… my grandmother is also CRUNK AS ALL HELL!!
By canceling Christmas, she pretty much told Rudolph and the rest of those random scoundrels they can keep their sleigh and jingle bells in the North Pole. She told the makers of gold, frankincense and myrrh (a hot commodity on the market) that they can FALL ALL THE WAY back. The 3 Wise Men? Yeah she put a hold on their annual journey too. Aint no muffugging body dashing through snow so slow ya roll. CHRIMUS IS CANCELLED!! You see my grandmother reasoned -if you want to call it that- that since certain aunts of mine can’t seem to get the macaroni to the Christmas party on time and we can’t eat until 4:30 – 5 when the party starts at 2, she will just cancel it.
I mean I don’t know why I’m so surprised though because my grandmother is the same woman who, 30 something odd years ago, decided she would terrorize her neighbor who decided to hit one of my oldest cousins (who’s Granny’s clear, unabashed, no couth favorite btw…).
If I was a sperm in my old man’s nutsack, I would’ve been able to forewarn you NOT TO MESS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER’S GRANDBABIES! My grandmother got wind, barged outside swearing (this is before she met the King Jesus and made him her one and only man) and then proceeded to yell for the lady to come outside. This lady came out big and tough and said ‘Yeah, I hit him.’… Mistake #2 that told me she didn’t reaaaaaaally value her life at that point.
From eyewitness recollections, my grandmother (you know in all her CRUNK glory), picks up the biggest rock she could find and throws it at the lady who was standing in her doorway.. That lady slammed the door so quick, the rock hit the door and that just made my granny angrier. By this point you can imagine what kind of woman we’re dealing with. Anyway, this continued before my grandmother got tired of lobbing rocks at this lady’s door. My granny retreated to the house but that wasn’t the end of it, err time someone would call and she retold the story she got RILED UP again and ran outside to throw another rock. CRUNK N B!
That was back then, nowadays my grandmother wakes God up every morning with her Prayer Warriors on the phone to pray (and gossip) at 5 AM till about 7:45. This is also her opportunity to go in on my 39 year old uncle who still resides in his mother’s back bedroom. Since I am convinced my Uncle shares DNA with Teenie Barrino in terms of how AINT SHIT they both are, let’s just call him Uncle Teenie.
Uncle Teenie has a lot of female scallywags call the house, but Uncle Teenie also relies on my grandmother to let him coast through life so what does she do? She waits until someone…ANYONE calls, Especially his lady friends. And when they mention his name, she says “Oh yeah, he’s here. Can’t even buy some toilet tissue or put some meat in my fridge, eating up all my food but he’s here, hold on.” Granny then yells for Uncle Teenie. This happens just about EVERYTIME. Talk about NO LOVE and a side of EMBARRASSMENT.
Or the one time he decided to be bold and sneak one of his jump-offs in and out the back side entrance (he has his own entrance to his room). Well he tried to sneak the Walk of Shame-taking lady out the side door, but you know my Granny be up before God so of course she sees the girl “slinking and sneaking” (her words not mine). Granny gone holler out ‘YEAH, I SEE YOU, SNEAKING YA LIL HOE.YOU DON’T HAVE TO SNEAK!!’. WAIT, WHAT?!?!
I am sure you guys have a clearer idea of why if Steve Harvey’s Hoodie Awards had a Crunkest Grandmother of the Year Award my granny would be stepping up in her Sunday best canary yella skirt suit, matching hat and shoes. Or how she possesses the spirit of Thelma Harper from Mama’s Family, Bernice Jenkins and a pinch of Madea who gave her some daps.
My granny reminds me of BOTH of the people in this prank call.. that saying A WHOLE LOT!! Dualities people…dualities http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di9L-NixaQw&playnext=1&list=PL8C1E52F5C6FDE93D&index=7
GO GRANNY GO!! Now I need to figure out how to convince her to uncancel Chrimus…
Luvvie adds: I thought MY granny was crunk. She slapped a grown woman for disagreeing with her. Straight MOLLYWHOPPED with 5 open fingers. Yeah… old folks run thangs. Me & LV can’t be the only ones with crunk grandparents. Who else? Tell us about the ratchet old folks in your lives.