Guest BlogRandom

My Grandmother’s The Crunkest

Luvvie’s note: So I was on GChat with LV aka @Cloud10LV aka the Cephus to my Reesie aka A gahtdamb mess when he barged in with one of his random ass ways of saying hello (i.e. “Slides into the back pew like the folks that come in church late. *whispers* WHAT UP DOE?”) He proceeded to tell me that his Granny’s tryna cancel Christmas this year. First. I fell ALLA way out like “Wait WHAT?!” He then went on to tell me more tales bout Granny being gully as hell. So I asked him to write me a post because I figured y’all would love to hear bout this CRUNK geriatric. Besides, I LOVE ratchet old people because they’ont give TWO dambs! And who gon check them? Not N’AN person!

So yes, let me clear the way for LV the don. Y’all enjoy. Oh and check out his blog at Cloud 10 LV and follow him on Twitter.

————–

Here I am in frigid ass Canada counting down the days, hours and minutes till I get to the Bahamas to spend the holidays with my family when I get news that “Miss Aggie is cancelling Christmas.” DJ, run the track back right quick.. she’s doing what?  I quote ‘Miss Aggie is cancelling Christmas!!!’ Now if you know

Here's how I felt when I found out Granny was cancelling Chrimmuh. #EpicSlaveCry

my grandmother, you know she’s not just your average Bahamian grandmother. You see… my grandmother is also CRUNK AS ALL HELL!!

By canceling Christmas, she pretty much told Rudolph and the rest of those random scoundrels they can keep their sleigh and jingle bells in the North Pole. She told the makers of gold, frankincense and myrrh (a hot commodity on the market) that they can FALL ALL THE WAY back. The 3 Wise Men? Yeah she put a hold on their annual journey too.  Aint no muffugging body dashing through snow so slow ya roll. CHRIMUS IS CANCELLED!! You see my grandmother reasoned -if you want to call it that- that since certain aunts of mine can’t seem to get the macaroni to the Christmas party on time and we can’t eat until 4:30 – 5 when the party starts at 2, she will just cancel it.

I mean I don’t know why I’m so surprised though because my grandmother is the same woman who, 30 something odd years ago, decided she would terrorize her neighbor who decided to hit one of my oldest cousins (who’s Granny’s clear, unabashed, no couth favorite btw…).

If I was a sperm in my old man’s nutsack, I would’ve been able to forewarn you NOT TO MESS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER’S GRANDBABIES!  My grandmother got wind, barged outside swearing (this is before she met the King Jesus and made him her one and only man) and then proceeded to yell for the lady to come outside. This lady came out big and tough and said ‘Yeah, I hit him.’… Mistake #2 that told me she didn’t reaaaaaaally value her life at that point.

From eyewitness recollections, my grandmother (you know in all her CRUNK glory), picks up the biggest rock she could find and throws it at the lady who was standing in her doorway.. That lady slammed the door so quick, the rock hit the door and that just made my granny angrier.  By this point you can imagine what kind of woman we’re dealing with.  Anyway, this continued before my grandmother got tired of lobbing rocks at this lady’s door.  My granny retreated to the house but that wasn’t the end of it, err time someone would call and she retold the story she got RILED UP again and ran outside to throw another rock.  CRUNK N B!

That was back then, nowadays my grandmother wakes God up every morning with her Prayer Warriors on the phone to pray (and gossip) at 5 AM till about 7:45. This is also her opportunity to go in on my 39 year old uncle who still resides in his mother’s back bedroom.  Since I am convinced my Uncle shares DNA with Teenie Barrino in terms of how AINT SHIT they both are, let’s just call him Uncle Teenie.

Uncle Teenie has a lot of female scallywags call the house, but Uncle Teenie also relies on my grandmother to let him coast through life so what does she do? She waits until someone…ANYONE calls, Especially his lady friends. And when they mention his name, she says “Oh yeah, he’s here. Can’t even buy some toilet tissue or put some meat in my fridge, eating up all my food but he’s here, hold on.”  Granny then yells for Uncle Teenie. This happens just about EVERYTIME. Talk about NO LOVE and a side of EMBARRASSMENT.

Or the one time he decided to be bold and sneak one of his jump-offs in and out the back side entrance (he has his own entrance to his room). Well he tried to sneak the Walk of Shame-taking lady out the side door, but you know my Granny be up before God so of course she sees the girl “slinking and sneaking” (her words not mine).  Granny gone holler out ‘YEAH, I SEE YOU, SNEAKING YA LIL HOE.YOU DON’T HAVE TO SNEAK!!’.  WAIT, WHAT?!?!

I am sure you guys have a clearer idea of why if Steve Harvey’s Hoodie Awards had a Crunkest Grandmother of the Year Award my granny would be stepping up in her Sunday best canary yella skirt suit, matching hat and shoes.  Or how she possesses the spirit of Thelma Harper from Mama’s Family, Bernice Jenkins and a pinch of Madea who gave her some daps.

My granny reminds me of BOTH of the people in this prank call.. that saying A WHOLE LOT!! Dualities people…dualities http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di9L-NixaQw&playnext=1&list=PL8C1E52F5C6FDE93D&index=7

GO GRANNY GO!! Now I need to figure out how to convince her to uncancel Chrimus…

Luvvie adds: I thought MY granny was crunk. She slapped a grown woman for disagreeing with her. Straight MOLLYWHOPPED with 5 open fingers. Yeah… old folks run thangs. Me & LV can’t be the only ones with crunk grandparents. Who else? Tell us about the ratchet old folks in your lives.

25 Comments

  1. Whit
    December 17, 2010 at 8:53 am — Reply

    I was JUST talking to mine the other day. She was babysitting. And all of a sudden in the middle if our conversation she yells out “WHERE’S MY AX?!?!?” I’m like Nana, WHAT?! She said… “that got em to sit the hell down.” lololololol LOVE HER.

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:53 am — Reply

      LMAO!!! Granny’s a goon! “Where’s my ax?!” I need to use that.

  2. Keisha
    December 17, 2010 at 9:41 am — Reply

    This is hilarious!

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:53 am — Reply

      LV’s a mess!

  3. December 17, 2010 at 9:46 am — Reply

    Back in the 60’s, my Big Mama (God rest her soul) busted a cap in both of her second husband’s kneecaps for cheating on her then lying about it. ROFL of course this was before she found the LAWD..but still… crunk ass shit right there!

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:54 am — Reply

      Betchu he ain’t cheat again! BETCHU!

  4. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by T. Jordan McDuffie, Koury. Koury said: RT @luvvieig: New AweLuv post: My Grandmother's The Crunkest http://bit.ly/fYN4Qw [...]

  5. MimiLumpkins
    December 17, 2010 at 11:51 am — Reply

    Well…
    When it comes to the maternal side of my family, I like to think of them as “The black Sopranos”. When they have a problem with each other, ‘putting out hits’ is usually common.

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:56 am — Reply

      LAWD… lol You got a buncha Madeas in ur fam?

  6. December 17, 2010 at 12:34 pm — Reply

    Reporting live and direct from the Bahamas, as of now Christmas festivities are back on for now although I’ve been hearing some grumbling and what not. I thought I’d have to head down to the Salvation Army and dine on #ThePlate on Chrimus Day…

    stay tuned my granny changes her mind like she changes her dentures.

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:57 am — Reply

      So did Christmas go off w/o a hitch? Was granny right bout the food? Did aunties show up late? Let us know!

  7. Kay
    December 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm — Reply

    My Big Mama who is 91, still lives alone, drives and remembers every mutha fcking thang that happened since creation…she will get real nice nasty with folks..she will talk real slick to you…and dont let it be one of my father’s lady friends (yeah, my daddy is a man whore!), she will drop hints about other woman…you just sitting there like: O__O…well, damn! I don’t even take male friends to Dallas anymore..cause she’ll just ask, “Well now, who is this one?” *Falls dead of shame*

    • December 28, 2010 at 4:58 am — Reply

      LMAO @ granny throwing shade. Ain’t nobody gon check her either!

  8. likeramona
    December 17, 2010 at 5:26 pm — Reply

    i loves me some crunk grannies! we call my maternal granny, granmaw dynamite. she’s really quiet & unsuspecting but when she’s had enuff she shuts it down like sophia did harpo’s jukejoint!

    talk about handing out azz whoopins this lil lady don’t play! she beat 1 of my aunts out the tub w/a plunger, said aunt jumped outta the tub & ran stark naked down the street w/bubbles flyin off her. this same aunt got busted in the face w/a brick once for talkin ish & on another occasion granmaw dynamite beat her upside the head w/a phone while choking her w/the phone cord!

    another aunt got beat w/a cast iron skillet for not gettin the dishes clean.

    lord forbid if she got a call that any of her brood was outside ackin a damn fool (her words not mine) she’d walk down the street (picture sophia stompin thru the cotton field lookin for celie) find the culprit (her own child mind u) & commence to beating said person all the way home.

    oh & when i was about 5 she beat me w/a knife handle while holding the blade in her hand for saying dang.

    let’s just say i’m all the better for seeing all dem azz whoopins & i wouldn’t trade granny for the world.

    • Dr. Kiti
      December 22, 2010 at 11:15 am — Reply

      Daaammmmnnnnnn!!!!

      Yo’ granny hardcore. I don’t know whether to congratulate or sit my ignant ass down in a corner and shut my damn mouth so I don’t get MY ass whooped.

      • likeramona
        December 25, 2010 at 8:27 pm — Reply

        for yo own saftey make no references to past azz whoopins she’s issued!
        she likes to remain low key & unsuspectin to those that don’t know her

        LMAO

        • December 27, 2010 at 12:45 pm — Reply

          LMAO!!! Granny keeps her goonship on the low? I respect that.

  9. Foxy Brown
    December 17, 2010 at 10:44 pm — Reply

    in her day, my grandmother’s nickname was hellcat. she aint take ish off nobody, including my grandfather. legend has it that one chrimmuh my grandfather said something about the way she was cooking the ham. she finally got pissed. her a$$ unplugged the fridge, pushed that bish out the backdoor, and pushed it off the porch. yea, chrimmuh dinner all in the backyard. she then turned around, walked in the house, and went to bed. talk about canceling chrimmuh! to the day she died, my grandfather never said one word about her cooking.

  10. Shelia
    December 18, 2010 at 1:55 am — Reply

    lol I love this post!! Well here’s my story about the woman in my life, my granny! My grandfather had a history of staying out past his “bedtime” so what does Granny do? She boils a pot of grits and throws it on Grandfather. Can you imagine the pain from a boiling pot of grits?! Grandmother said “I bet he learn his lesson now”.Wait. So Granny thats what I gotta do to make sure my hubby comes home on time?!

  11. paintgurl40
    December 21, 2010 at 1:10 pm — Reply

    let’s see…my granny got mad one time at her boyfriend’s sister…called the light company and had them shut off the sister’s electricity…she also got pissed at my aunt and pimp slapped her in the middle of the train station…i learned ALL my cuss words from her..my momma used to beat my ass for cussin’..till she found out where i was getting it from! LOL I could go on and on about her! Oh yeah! when my sisters were growing up and they got into a fight with another kid in the neighborhood, they would run and get our granny to fight for them. ironically my granny was nicknamed “honey” (RIP Honey…Love ya!)

  12. Dr. Kiti
    December 22, 2010 at 11:11 am — Reply

    BOTH my mama’s parents were on some other level, old folks shit. I had to warn one ex-boyfriend (we all got that ONE psycho) to “let go of my arm. Don’t make Nanny get her gun.” And when my grandfather died last year my mama and aunt started sorting out his things in the house. Found an empty gun case in his truck so they went looking for the gun…never found the gun but they found $2800 cash in two more empty gun cases.

  13. January 6, 2011 at 1:27 am — Reply

    lmaooo at all these grandma stories. Well mine brought me up and the whole town was terrified of her. She had a somali walking stick. It’s a walking stick with a sword with a thin blade inside, the length of the walking stick. She never used it but would unleash it on anyone acting ignant. RIP Nkokoo

  14. krocka
    January 7, 2011 at 9:53 am — Reply

    we need more grandparents like this…

  15. [...] eBoothang, the Cephus to my Reesie, Cloud10LV, come through to grace my eCrib with stories of his Crunk Grandmama? Wells, he’s back. We were having a conversation on gchat, and we somehow got in the subject [...]

  16. Denise
    September 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm — Reply

    My Grandma has our whole family scared of her and she knows it. I believe my grandmA was a straight gangsta, lol. She was bout 70 when one of her grandsons brought his wife over to her house. The wife came in talking ish about something that is totally forgotten and irrelevant at this point but whatever it was it p’d grandma off she was outta her chair and had the wife pinned to the wall choking the crap out of her. We can’s even remember what the lady said to get jacked up

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