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Snooki is a NYTimes Bestselling Author. *faints*

Meet Snooki

Meet Snooki. No, she isn't standing in a funhouse mirror. Yes, she's really that short.

First of all, I know some people are saying “Who is Snooki?” While others are asking “She wrote a book?” I bet no one is saying “I knew she’d be one.” Let me answer these questions one by one.

Snooki is Nicole Polizzi of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” infamy (and I’m a fan). She’s known best for her ever-present poof hair, her love and addiction to spray tan and her borderline alcoholism (Snooks ain’t never turnt down a drink. And actually got arrested for public drunkenness. At 11am). Basically, she’s a real life 3D oompa loompa who you can’t help but love because she’s so fun. Snooki’s a 4’11, barrel-shaped walking party. A loud and proud guidette til the end.

But yes, Snooki was tapped to write a book, and it was released 2 weeks ago, on January 4th. According to Amazon, it’s “fiction” but it centers around a character who is small, loves to party, and rocks a pouf everywhere. Apparently, Snooki isn’t the most imaginative author. And it’s called “A Shore Thing.” And has her face on it.

Anyway, then yesterday, Snooki took to Twitter to announce that she is now a New York Times Bestselling author.

*read that again*

*blinks twice* O__O

Wait… WHAT???

Snooki Bestselling Tweet

*throws self off 1st floor balcony into soft pile of snow*
*wipes snow off coat*
*jumps off curb unto deserted street*
*wall slides down the side of a parked car*

GAHTDAMB SNOOKI IS A NYTIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR! But BESTSELLING AUTHOR behind her name is like Academy Award-winner behind Nicki Minaj’s. iCant e’em DEAL.

 

Y’all… THIS CANNOT BE LIFE! What in the…? Who bought…” HOW????

Snooki A Shore Thing Book

People who have spent YEARS writing, and can construct sentences with magic… haven’t even landed on this list. And Snooki kicks the door down in her UGG boots with her first book and is a NYTimes bestseller. THIS is why I’m so touched and butthurt by this. It’s like someone stole my last bowl of rice. My soul is TROUBLED! I’m saying… ain’t nobody published my book idea! Yeah it’s hoodratish but still…

What does a goon have to do to get this type of love? Oh. I gotta appear on a reality tv show and show out? Well I’m ready whenever VH1 wants to let me have a show called “For the Love of Luvvie’s Love Pocket.” I mean, I just gotta let certain someone in my life know that it’s all for the cameras. And I gotta notify my Nigerian family, lest they see me acting line a trollop and promptly disown me and erase me from the family tree. Is that what I gotta do to make it??? Am I hustling backwards? Somebody let me know!

Someone get Tyrese to make a painting of Snooki tutoring Maya Angelou in English and classical literature so I can TRULY be murked!

I’m such a hater but sometimes… O__o

Tyrese got a book coming out in April. Snooki’s a NYTimes best-selling author. Lil Kim is an Asian Drag Queen. This is why the birds died.

Lemme quit hating on Snooki’s boogie. I ain’t mad at her hustle #doe. Make that money. Don’t let that spray tan make you. Congrats, girl.

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28 Comments

  1. Nana
    January 20, 2011 at 8:38 am — Reply

    Luvvie, I feel your pain. I can’t believe we have sunk so low that Snookie is a best selling author… I agree, this is why the birds died, the cows too.

  2. Curvy Jones
    January 20, 2011 at 8:41 am — Reply

    I needt to just go on ahead and write my book.

  3. blackladyblue
    January 20, 2011 at 8:50 am — Reply

    Can “For the Love of Luvvie’s Love Pocket” be a real show please? Because I would love to watch you just roast the men that tried to step to you until you found your one true love. Speaking of which, how goes your search for a picture of Black Velvet Napoleon?

    • Starita34
      January 20, 2011 at 4:11 pm — Reply

      I second this motion!

  4. flamingyoung
    January 20, 2011 at 9:09 am — Reply

    Woah, wait. So education ISN’T the answer??!
    *withdraws from college*
    I QUIT. >=|
    Where’s my damn Hennessy?

    • Starita34
      January 20, 2011 at 4:13 pm — Reply

      NOT Flaming Young doh!

      *lays in the bed with the old couple in Titanic and just lets the cold water take us to Glory*

    • January 20, 2011 at 10:33 pm — Reply

      Right! So all the money I used (and now owe back in student loans) was a waste? lol

      • FlamingYoung
        January 21, 2011 at 12:26 pm — Reply

        yes. Unfortunately- I do believe it was. I guess a mind is a #waist if it CAN create. O_o
        *deep sigh*

        Now, Excuse me while I go get a Gucci tat…
        (<3•_•)

  5. January 20, 2011 at 9:30 am — Reply

    *throws self off 1st floor balcony into soft pile of snow*
    *wipes snow off coat*
    *jumps off curb unto deserted street*
    *wall slides down the side of a parked car*

    THAT. Right there, kilt me. Because I see myself doing just that. iCan’t bring myself to watch Jersey Shore.

    iRose again at Lil Kim is an Asian Drag Queen. This is why the birds died.

    iQuit you, Luvvie. I can no longer be kicked through the goalposts of life.

  6. Curvy Jones
    January 20, 2011 at 9:31 am — Reply

    You know what? Ima need Snooks to show me where, on the NYT Bestsellers list, she might show up. Did she mean the New York POST bestsellers? The New York Gazette? The New York Avenue one sided sheet of paper with the name of her book on it?

  7. January 20, 2011 at 9:31 am — Reply

    I guess anything is possible if Superhead can be a best selling author. If you had a reality show I would tune in each and every week.

  8. paintgurl40
    January 20, 2011 at 10:18 am — Reply

    damn! i got an “aha moment” when i read the “hustlin backwards”! and that ladies and gentlemen is what’s up. it has nothing to do with talent anymore, just how crazy and/or stupid people can be

  9. Constance
    January 20, 2011 at 10:39 am — Reply

    Dead @”Lil Kim is an Asian Drag Queen.”

  10. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by OluLuvvie AdeRatchet, Darth Kriss, Jacinta @ SprayTan, Big Simba, Big Simba and others. Big Simba said: WTF!!! smh.. I'M OUT! RT @luvvieig: New AweLuv post: Snooki is a NYTimes Bestselling Author. *faints* http://bit.ly/h4XaDD […]

  11. bronxgirl1
    January 20, 2011 at 2:02 pm — Reply

    Dead @ “Someone get Tyrese to make a painting of Snooki tutoring Maya Angelou in English and classical literature so I can TRULY be murked!”

    Oh and where is the pic of the black velvet Napoleon?

  12. Divakattgurl
    January 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm — Reply

    Follows behind Capricorn….. We don’t believe you!!!!

  13. January 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm — Reply

    *Goes to the NY Times to verify such a ridiculous claim*

    • Stacy
      January 20, 2011 at 2:37 pm — Reply

      did you find it. Cause if an is she is I aint seent her book there.

  14. TheBrownBabe
    January 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm — Reply

    I have sworn a blood oath to never entertain the foolish-ocracy that is reality TV…but I would gladly take (whatever the penalty is for violating a blood oath) to tune in religiously to “For the Love of Luvvie’s Love Pocket”

    Yes…I’d sacrifice precious brain cells for you :o)

  15. Crownie
    January 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm — Reply

    A 3D oompa. loompa. THANKS. i just got kicked out of the library.

  16. January 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm — Reply

    Um….let me channel my inner @pinchmycheekie for a moment to say WAYMENT!

    This: “I mean, I just gotta let certain someone in my life know that it’s all for the cameras.”

    Not to get all up in your business but does that mean there’s a Mr. Luvvie??

  17. January 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm — Reply

    I thought I’d died @ “For the Love of Luvvie’s Love Pocket.” But no, you let me linger on life support until you could really kill me dead with “Someone get Tyrese to make a painting of Snooki tutoring Maya Angelou in English and classical literature so I can TRULY be murked!”

    Someone get to chiseling my epitaph PUH-LEESE!

  18. January 20, 2011 at 5:29 pm — Reply

    I saw Snooki on Jimmy Kimmel and the fact that she skirted allllll the way around this one tiny detail:She had a “collaborator”‘!!! Apparently, her idea of “writing a book” consists of telling her ideas to someone and then proofreading it to make sure it was how she wanted things. O_O

    Girl. Just…BYE!! As a book lover I weep at the notion that any drunken Oompa Loompa can get published.

    Here is the interview in case anyone cares(book discussion starts at about 1:34): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idMm5sKaki8

    • January 20, 2011 at 7:12 pm — Reply

      “She had a “collaborator”‘!!! Apparently, her idea of “writing a book” consists of telling her ideas to someone and then proofreading it to make sure it was how she wanted things.”

      LOL, I think this is how a lot of celebs “write” their books actually. Ghostwriters stay making money off them. Kendra (Playmate) did the same thing. I automatically assumed Snooki had one because the alternative is unacceptable to me.

      • January 21, 2011 at 8:16 am — Reply

        “I automatically assumed Snooki had one because the alternative is unacceptable to me.”

        This. I can’t even imagine her writing a coherent paragraph let alone an entire book. I just wish she’d own up to that instead of living in the land of make believe where her being an actual author makes sense.

  19. January 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm — Reply

    Can’t say I’m surprised but something has to give. I’m going to open Notepad and write mine now. Maybe I have shot too

  20. January 23, 2011 at 11:43 am — Reply

    I used to be anti Jersey Shore until I actually watched it and realized it is what it is: pure entertainment & advertising money. Kinda like an Italian Real World. If the media knows that people out there love little meatball Snooki, they will publish her! All you writers out there… show em who’s boss and publish a book! It’s so easy Snooki can do it LOL

  21. […] post: Snooki is a NYTimes Bestselling Author. *faints* | Awesomely Luvvie … http://icsbookstore.com/2011/snooki-is-a-nytimes-bestselling-author-faints-awesomely-luvvie/ […]

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