Welcome, my *pause* brethren and sisthren! It is Black History Month, 28 days of reminiscing about the colorful past of us melanin-blessed individuals. This is the time where kids get to see Frederick Douglass’ afro side-part in class. The children get to learn about gun-toting Harriet, who told folks to either be free or die. “I have a dream” will be recited to PIECES in these next 4 weeks. Even Martin Luther King be giving the *side-eye* from up above like “Dang! Y’all know how to wear something into the ground.”
In honor of this month of ours, my avatar has decided to pay homage to her ancestor. The one who came before her to pave the way for where we are today. Yes, you got it. Queen Latifah circa UNITY.
Overbusy Dashiki? Check. Oversized kufi? Double check. Distrust of The Establishment? Did you even have to ask? All she’s missing is the leather Africa medallion. Not pictured: ‘Shiki Fierce is wearing the finest hemp birkenstock sandals made in the most remote villages of Korea. #GetJealous
For the rest of the month, I’d like yall to refer to me as ‘Shiki Fierce. Fly. Afro. Kente. is my tagline. *curtsies* *Yells “HARAMBE!”*
Anybody who’s hating on my Avatar’s Dashiki, turban and beaded cornrows is a plain ol’ hater. So what if she looks like she bathes in kente oil and bargain shops for cowrie shells and shea butter at every African fest? She may even have an Ankh tramp stamp tattoo. That don’t mean you gotta judge her. ‘Shiki Fierce probably goes home at night and massages her man’s scalp while listening to Common’s “Like Water for Chocolate.”
My homie Geo told me that my avatar looked like it just finished cleaning Prince Akeem’s royal parts. The old, new, and present me pretty much DAHD instantly! LMAO! My avatar is the Kween of Zamunda. She is the heir to the Jaffy Joffer fortune, which was built on the trading of elephant tusks. *sings* SHEEEZ YO KWEENN TO BEEE! FREEE FROM INFECTIIIIOON TO USE AT YO DISCRETION TO KWENCH YO ROYAL DESIIRRESS.
I’m a terrible African for making these jokes. But I ain’t gon stop so… *shrugs*. Let me quit. But before I do, shoutout to everyone who thinks they’re conscious just because they have an Ankh tattoo, but don’t know the real meaning. Also, shoutout to the fake conscious ppl who don’t wear deodorant, and think Essence of Colored smells anything less than failure and must.
- DMX: 1st Black man to have a cellblock mattress named after him. Bobby Brown was the 2nd.
- OJ Simpson: 1st Black person to do something, get away with it and get put in for something dumber. Oh wait… No he ain’t. But, he may have been the 1st Black person to abuse the concept of Double Jeopardy but later get put away for stealing his own shit
- Flava Flav: 1st Black person to be more roach than human. We don’t know how it happened. We have theories though. Lil Wayne is 2nd. This is FACT.
- M-I-S-T-E-R: 1st Black person to almost get killed with a blade but get saved by Shug at the last minute
- The Color Purple: 1st Black classic film directed by a Jewish man but hated on by the Academy Awards for no reason even though it was clearly the best movie ever.
- Lil Kim: 1st Black woman to turn into a mermaid right before our eyes. Poor unfortunate soul.
I just dropped that KNOWLEDGE on y’all, didn’t I?
Now that I done pissed off any uber-conscious, kente-oil loving Black folks who read this blog, I’mo go. I will leave you with this. My *pause* brothas and SISTAS! I was walking through the WHITE snow today and I wondered why the ROAD was… BLACK. Is it me *pause* or is it a conspiraCEE??? *squints and nods like what I just said made any sense*
P.S. *FIST UP*
*Reads this post* I’m stoopid.
*acts like I ain’t just repost this from last year*