This letter to Lil Kim has been a long time coming. And everytime I lose my vigor to write it, something else happens. Sit back. Enjoy.
Dear Lil Kim,
Hey gurl hey. *deep sigh* You know I used to be a fan of yours, right? Your songs went HARD in the gahtdamb paint! “Crush on you” will always be my stuff. “Jump off” was my jam! “How many licks” made me wash out my ears with holy water, but it was catchy. And you were cute as a button. Now, with plastic surgery, you look like an Asian mermaid. But that’s neither here nor there. This ain’t what I’m here for.
Ennehweighs, Kimberly. I’m here to talk about your actions in these past *counts on fingers* 6 or so months. Or whenever it was since you started this beef with Nicki “I do the most ALLA TAHM” Minaj. I lost track of time because I was too busy not giving a damb. So you start this beef about Nicki swagger jacking your steeze and not paying homage. At first, I was all “You know what? Nicki could tip her hat off to you once or twice because she put on the same green wig you had on in the Crush on You video.” I admitted that to myself and others.
THEN, that one interview where you mentioned that turned to 20. Everywhere you went, you made sure to throw massive OVERT shade at Nicki Minaj. And how you were here first. You spread the gospel of her lack of paying homage to you. And how you feel disrespected. EVERY. SINGLE. INTERVIEW. Nicki Minaj tap dances on my last nerve. BUT is she sposed to shout you out and say a prayer to errtime she gets on stage?
GET SOME CLASS ABOUT YOU, LIL KIM! Madonna ain’t on a worldwide press tour pissing on Lady Gaga. Elton John coulda come on stage and snatched Cee-Lo clean off it at the Grammy’s on Sunday. Ellen could EASILY sue Justin Bieber for trying to be her little sister. But you’ont see none of them acting out in this manner. Foxy Brown ain’t asked none of youse that’s walking round with hair that looks perpetually wet to #PayHomage. Just saying…
Lil Kim, you are TOO grown to be acting like someone who got picked last at kickball.
Remember when Jennifer Aniston spent 5 years talmbout how brokenhearted she was bout Brad Pitt leaving her? Yes. That’s you. Like how Latavia was on “Real Housewives of Atlanta” STILL crying bout being kicked outta Destiny’s Child. It’s been 28 years. GET SOME NEW BUSINESS!!! Fool…
I was a FAN too. Until this foolery.
We ain’t e’em gon talk about that interview you did where you came at Faith Evans, talmbout she was stalking you and BIG. THAT WAS HIS WIFE. YOU WERE HIS JUMPOFF. Listen… I don’t have time.
As if all of that wasn’t bad enough. Then you wanna release a mixtape dedicated to dissing Nicki Minaj and calling it “Black Friday” as some sort of shade to Nicki’s “Pink Friday.” Kim, you ain’t had a hit album since Tower Records still existed. Now you want to put all your energy into a diss record? Chile, you got priorities MESSED up. You could DEFINITELY be spending time on releasing a quality album that AIN’T about your archnemesis. GURL…
Then you went and tweeted this last night:
Wait what??? Your mixtape sold HOW many copies WHERE? You release your mixtape on PayPal??? I didn’t know that PayPal had a storefront. Your people couldn’t hook you up with an Etsy or Big Cartel store? They just set you up on PAYPAL? You’re ALREADY losing. Furthermore, you sold 113K copies? Are you REALLY sure about that? I don’t think we believe you. At all. You mean 113,ooo people spent $10 in this recession for a mixtape. From you. Via Paypal. HERE. See? I wasn’t kidding.
AND the mixtape isn’t downloadable. You have to buy it and then you’ll get it shipped to you. Kim! I say KIM! What are you about??? Are you burning individual CDs on Windows Media Player, signing them, licking envelopes and sending them off??? Ma’am, this is not a good look.
Lil Kim, Rihanna’s CD’s available for $3.99 on amazon. And you ‘specting us to buy your raggelly mixtape for $9.95 on Paypal. Ma’am ——> And you talmbout you’re #1 in PayPal sales. When you’re the ONLY, you can be #1. I’m the #1 Luvvie with a Kufi & Dashiki on so… (-___-)
I’ont e’em LIKE Onika. So this pains me to have to tell you to go find a seat and occupy it. Why you so mad #doe, Kim??? You’re too busy looking like a funhouse mirror reflection. Get off Nicki’s annoying proverbial balls and sat. down.
I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME.
Yours in wig snatching,
P.S. I ain’t touch on it murch but seriously. Lose your plastic surgeon’s number. He doesn’t mean you well.
P.P.S. Nicki Minaj went platinum. Your mixtape went to the market and got promptly returned. WELP…