Remember back in December, when I had my eBoothang, the Cephus to my Reesie, Cloud10LV, come through to grace my eCrib with stories of his Crunk Grandmama? Wells, he’s back. We were having a conversation on gchat, and we somehow got in the subject of how every family has a Teenie. What’s a Teenie? Well, it comes from Teenie Barrino, who is Fantasia’s little brother. We got to know him when her reality tv show was on VH1, and even though he’s older than Tasia Mae, she takes care of him, as he goes around doing hoodrat things and just not growing up.
EVERY family has a Teenie. If yours doesn’t, CONGRATS.
Or you might be your family’s Teenie. I’m just saying. I can’t write bout my Teenie, since my whole famo reads this blog. So I asked LV to come through and tell us bout the Adderley’s deadbeat. lol
*BEGIN LV’s post here*
Everyone Has a Teenie In Their Family
So I’m sure a lot of you have been curious to know what exactly goes into classifying your member as Teenie Barrinoesque? Well I’ll break down the factors that make my own uncle (whom I mentioned in my last post ‘My Granny is a Thug’) really isn’t about that grown man life at all…
So Uncle Teenie as I refer to him (he’s my mom’s baby brother), may be a cousin, brother, father and/or uncle. #Anywaydoe where was I going with this diatribe? Oh right, yeah my Uncle Teenie just turned 40, 40 years worth of aint-shitness! No one can really pinpoint exactly what is wrong with my Uncle but if you care to wish that nukka a Happy Belated Negro Please Birthday then…
Fact that at 40 he’s still living in a tiny ass bedroom in the back of my grandmother’s house and refuses to pay for even a roll of toilet paper. Yeah that’s my uncle…starting to sound familiar for you as yet? Seeing any parallels?
My uncle is the type who really could not muster 5 shillings worth of a damb to give about anyone including his own mother and siblings. So why would he be phased by my Granny’s constant throat yokings she does at his #SelfofSteam’s expense? People who couldn’t care less about their own #SelfofSteam worry the entire 6’2 fucks out of me yo. Like you gonna stay in a house (where you’re tolerated at best) where every time you request a plate of food, you get blasted out so hard your hairline creeps back a smidgen? Man I know God and King Jesus are laughing at the fact that when its all said and done, I will be calling Uncle Teenie… Uncle Stevie ina few years. That nigga doesn’t give a gram of a fugg!!
If being shit has a value, Uncle Teenie would be worth about 19 gold dubloons (WAYMENT gold dubloons might actually be worth something…hmm how about 19 pence?). Anyway this is the person I have to deal with over the holidays. His idea of a conversation involves channeling the spirit of James Brown in his vocal chords. It means if you’re lucky, you may be able to piece together 5-7 words to get a whole sentence. Ole mumbling ass, word gargling mofo.
Uncle Teenie has hobbies; that negro shole does do shit besides be another piece of furniture in my granny’s house. Yup, he’s quite the Junkanoo (Read about Junkanoo HERE) aficianado, I think Junkanoo is his one shining moment of positive #ADDITUDE and #SelfofSteam, an activity where by my family (myself included) is actually somewhat, kinda proud to claim him as one of us. Junkanoo only takes place twice a year doe..the other 363 days of the year.
His other hobby is recording numbers from his dreams so that he can fill in what we call a Dream Book (my Caribbean, African connects can relate). Any and all numbers are recorded in this book. I swear to King Jesus in the Kangol fitted and Versace silk shirt, I break out in a small seizure watching this fool post up at my granny’s table concentrating like a muffugging accountant crunching them numbers into a winning combination. Could ya get a real hobby nigga and how about when you do win you break my granny off a grip? He’s also taken to hogging the house computer (which belongs to my little cousin) to gamble on there. Who the fugg taught you how to use a computer? You can’t use the computer in piece because he’s hovering like an usher in a black church. I be ready to walk through his chest like Jesus walked through Nazareth (my old man’s favorite threat)
Last but not least Uncle Teenie got a job… FINALLY (does a jig). Doing security though, the premiere career choice of Ain’t Shit male family members worldwide. What Jimmy doing now… Oh he just got a security job… Man its something though. From what I’ve heard that ninja be ‘securing’ the bank hunched over with his leg posted up on a block, chilling harder dinna a mug. Just straight posing like he got his foot on a 79 El Camino. That’s how you properly ensure the bank is ‘secure’??
Does this sound like somebody you know? If yes that person may be your very own Teenie Barrino. This is my story, this is my life.
-drops mic, slams laptop-
Do you have a Teenie in your family? Is he your Uncle/Brother/Nephew? Do share tales.
Best comment on this post:
Missy said: Sadly, I have a Teenie in my family. He is my 38 year old brother, who stays with my mom in a one bedroom house and sleeps in her walk-in closet. YES, I said her WALK-IN CLOSET. He hasn’t had a job since he was a teenager…I kid you not. My family urges my mom to put him out, but she’s so worried about where he will live. ::sighs::
Category: Guest Blog