Guest Blog

Everyone Has a Teenie In Their Family

Remember back in December, when I had my eBoothang, the Cephus to my Reesie, Cloud10LV, come through to grace my eCrib with stories of his Crunk Grandmama? Wells, he’s back. We were having a conversation on gchat, and we somehow got in the subject of how every family has a Teenie. What’s a Teenie? Well, it comes from Teenie Barrino, who is Fantasia’s little brother. We got to know him when her reality tv show was on VH1, and even though he’s older than Tasia Mae, she takes care of him, as he goes around doing hoodrat things and just not growing up.

EVERY family has a Teenie. If yours doesn’t, CONGRATS. Or you might be your family’s Teenie. I’m just saying. I can’t write bout my Teenie, since my whole famo reads this blog. So I asked LV to come through and tell us bout the Adderley’s deadbeat. lol

*BEGIN LV’s post here*

Everyone Has a Teenie In Their Family

So I’m sure a lot of you have been curious to know what exactly goes into classifying your member as Teenie Barrinoesque? Well I’ll break down the factors that make my own uncle (whom I mentioned in my last post ‘My Granny is a Thug’) really isn’t about that grown man life at all…

So Uncle Teenie as I refer to him (he’s my mom’s baby brother), may be a cousin, brother, father and/or uncle. #Anywaydoe where was I going with this diatribe? Oh right, yeah my Uncle Teenie just turned 40, 40 years worth of aint-shitness! No one can really pinpoint exactly what is wrong with my Uncle but if you care to wish that nukka a Happy Belated Negro Please Birthday then…

Fact that at 40 he’s still living in a tiny ass bedroom in the back of my grandmother’s house and refuses to pay for even a roll of toilet paper. Yeah that’s my uncle…starting to sound familiar for you as yet? Seeing any parallels?

My uncle is the type who really could not muster 5 shillings worth of a damb to give about anyone including his own mother and siblings. So why would he be phased by my Granny’s constant throat yokings she does at his #SelfofSteam’s expense? People who couldn’t care less about their own #SelfofSteam worry the entire 6’2 fucks out of me yo. Like you gonna stay in a house (where you’re tolerated at best) where every time you request a plate of food, you get blasted out so hard your hairline creeps back a smidgen? Man I know God and King Jesus are laughing at the fact that when its all said and done, I will be calling Uncle Teenie… Uncle Stevie ina few years. That nigga doesn’t give a gram of a fugg!!

If being shit has a value, Uncle Teenie would be worth about 19 gold dubloons (WAYMENT gold dubloons might actually be worth something…hmm how about 19 pence?). Anyway this is the person I have to deal with over the holidays. His idea of a conversation involves channeling the spirit of James Brown in his vocal chords. It means if you’re lucky, you may be able to piece together 5-7 words to get a whole sentence. Ole mumbling ass, word gargling mofo.

Uncle Teenie has hobbies; that negro shole does do shit besides be another piece of furniture in my granny’s house. Yup, he’s quite the Junkanoo (Read about Junkanoo HERE) aficianado, I think Junkanoo is his one shining moment of positive #ADDITUDE and #SelfofSteam, an activity where by my family (myself included) is actually somewhat, kinda proud to claim him as one of us. Junkanoo only takes place twice a year doe..the other 363 days of the year.

His other hobby is recording numbers from his dreams so that he can fill in what we call a Dream Book (my Caribbean, African connects can relate). Any and all numbers are recorded in this book. I swear to King Jesus in the Kangol fitted and Versace silk shirt, I break out in a small seizure watching this fool post up at my granny’s table concentrating like a muffugging accountant crunching them numbers into a winning combination. Could ya get a real hobby nigga and how about when you do win you break my granny off a grip? He’s also taken to hogging the house computer (which belongs to my little cousin) to gamble on there. Who the fugg taught you how to use a computer? You can’t use the computer in piece because he’s hovering like an usher in a black church. I be ready to walk through his chest like Jesus walked through Nazareth (my old man’s favorite threat)

Last but not least Uncle Teenie got a job… FINALLY (does a jig). Doing security though, the premiere career choice of Ain’t Shit male family members worldwide. What Jimmy doing now… Oh he just got a security job… Man its something though. From what I’ve heard that ninja be ‘securing’ the bank hunched over with his leg posted up on a block, chilling harder dinna a mug. Just straight posing like he got his foot on a 79 El Camino. That’s how you properly ensure the bank is ‘secure’??

Does this sound like somebody you know? If yes that person may be your very own Teenie Barrino. This is my story, this is my life.

-drops mic, slams laptop-

LV

Do you have a Teenie in your family? Is he your Uncle/Brother/Nephew? Do share tales.

Follow LV on Twitter (@Cloud10LV) and check out his eCrib at Cloud10LV.com.

Best comment on this post:

Missy said: Sadly, I have a Teenie in my family. He is my 38 year old brother, who stays with my mom in a one bedroom house and sleeps in her walk-in closet. YES, I said her WALK-IN CLOSET. He hasn’t had a job since he was a teenager…I kid you not. My family urges my mom to put him out, but she’s so worried about where he will live. ::sighs::

iHollered! LMAO!!!

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38 Comments

  1. likeramona
    June 7, 2011 at 7:44 am — Reply

    I interrupt this program to have a cackle fit over “40 years worth of aint-shitness!”…WOOOO LAWD!

    Ok, back to reading I go.

  2. likeramona
    June 7, 2011 at 7:57 am — Reply

    LV, LV, LV, I just can’t w/u & uncle Teenie!!!!! Just as I often quit yo’ eBooThang, I must now quit you!
    BTW, my fam’s Teenie is Uncle Bay Bay.

    • June 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm — Reply

      LOL see? LV ain’t got a lick of sense.

      • Likeramona
        June 7, 2011 at 9:51 pm — Reply

        He surely does not! Yawl are a perfect ematch!

        • June 8, 2011 at 12:40 am — Reply

          I mean, I thought so. lol

  3. Kay
    June 7, 2011 at 9:12 am — Reply

    Yeah, we ALL have a Teeny…And I slowly, but surely see my cousin’s son, turning into one…him and those wack ass rap dreams, be on my nerves!!!! So you did a teeny bobber party, and you about to blow up?? Negro, take yo triffling ass back to JuCo (Junior College), and read a book….*rolls eyes*

    • June 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm — Reply

      LAWD!!! Most Teenies dreamed of being rappers one day. Talk about pipe dreams. GO TO SCHOOL!

  4. Sha Sha
    June 7, 2011 at 11:43 am — Reply

    Lord Jesus thank you Luvvie for exposing this!! My brother is our Teeny and one more thing I’d like to add to the list is when every other week they say ish like “Yea, um, my boy gonna hook me up with a job and ima be makin $25.00 a hour! I’m spose to start Monday.” 0__0 Um yeah, please tell me why Monday never comes… And my moms swears she wants him gone but everybody in the family knows she’s the enabler!!! “heavy sigh”

    • June 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!!! WHY’D YOU COMMENT ON MY LIFE??? Gerrout my window, Sha!!!

      • Sha Sha
        June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm — Reply

        Oh and the final nail in the coffin is he is 33 y/o and my mom still irons his shirts, ok! I’m. Done.

        • June 7, 2011 at 6:42 pm — Reply

          Wait… WUT??? o_____o Chile…

  5. Wendy
    June 7, 2011 at 1:25 pm — Reply

    we have two uncle Teeny’s in my granny’s house
    ages 57 and 55 I think {old enough to know better} neither one of them are worth a damb at least one of them does keep the house clean and cooks for granny, the other one 50+ years old of
    aintshitness. the one that cooks and cleans randomly goes to jail for stealing or drugs or some BS.. OH well

    • June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm — Reply

      Ok I tried not to laugh but I couldn’t help it. How’s he just gon randomly go to jail for drugs? Chile… BLESS TEENIE’s HEART!

  6. Missy
    June 7, 2011 at 8:57 pm — Reply

    ::hangs head in shame:: Sadly, I have a Teenie in my family. He is my 38 year old brother, who stays with my mom in a one bedroom house and sleeps in her walk-in closet. YES, I said her WALK-IN CLOSET. He hasn’t had a job since he was a teenager…I kid you not. My family urges my mom to put him out, but she’s so worried about where he will live. ::sighs::

    • June 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm — Reply

      I. just. howled.. HE DOES NOT SLEEP IN HER WALK IN CLOSET!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OMG! His Aint Shitness is off the charts. Bless him!

    • embraceurcrazy
      June 7, 2011 at 9:13 pm — Reply

      I’m in here SCREAMING AT THE WALK IN CLOSET!!!

    • June 8, 2011 at 8:42 pm — Reply

      LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the walk in closet!!!!! I can’t.

    • June 10, 2011 at 7:14 am — Reply

      Man I wanted to see 27 but that nigga slumbering in the walk in closet sent me UP YE YONDERRRRRRR!!

      I got stories for DAYS bout my Uncle doe.. That nigga’s Aint Shit Status is legendary..

  7. B_Keps
    June 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm — Reply

    Luvvie do I have a Teenie?

    My cousin lives in the attic of his mom’s house. While he does have a job, he has 3 kids by 3 different women and I’m pretty sure he’s working on number 4, while SNEAKING heaux up to his room to drink, smoke weed, bone, etc. Is he a Teenie or am i just hating?

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:43 am — Reply

      He. lives. in. the. attic. I bet he bumps his head on the ceiling daily. DOES HE HAVE NO SHAME??? Well, I guess not. Folks gotta do better.

  8. JaeXBunny
    June 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm — Reply

    STRUMMING MY PAIN WITH YOUR FINGERS

    READING MY LIFE WITH YOUR WORDS

    ….KILLING ME SOFTLY, DAMMIT!

    TEENY = My BUM ass Uncle

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:43 am — Reply

      *cues the Fugees*

  9. minacakes
    June 7, 2011 at 9:24 pm — Reply

    “word gargling mofo” i was done right there!

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:42 am — Reply

      u too??? I hollered!

  10. Nina Mosely
    June 7, 2011 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    I have a Teeny. He’s 27, lives w/ his mother… in b/w leaving to live w/ his girlfriend(s). No job. Dropped out of school… which his mother took out a loan to pay for. GREAT ACTOR!! Will put a guilt trip on you in a minute! Lazy. Doesn’t do yard work. How you got a grown ass man with no job living in your house but you paying somebody else to cut the grass and clean the gutters? What? I pray that when I’m a mother, I never lose sight of the fact that my primary job is to raise children to be self-sufficient.

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:42 am — Reply

      O__________O

      Mothers are every Teenie’s WORST enablers. They got so much love for their sons but that love won’t let those overgrown men ever get their sh*t together. I pray the same thing.

  11. Theonly1
    June 7, 2011 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    My lil brother is a TIT (Teenie In Training)…I just had to email this link to my momma to further shame the BOF of they asses!!!

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:41 am — Reply

      Seeing Teenie tendencies in someone is like watching a train wreck happen before the train even pulls into the station. But LOL @ you for emailing this to your mama.

  12. Margaret
    June 7, 2011 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    Now that you mention it, I DO have an Uncle Teenie (not to be confused with my Drunkle…Drunk Uncle). My Uncle Teenie was a cook in the Army at one point, and one day just showed back up…no explanation. To this day, we don’t know if he’s AWOL or was discharged. We Just know that the Army taught him how to cook…LOTS of food.
    At least your uncle had a job…I’ve NEVER seen mine go to work. I’ve not seen him in years, but I bet he’s STILL sitting on the left end of my ex-grandmother’s plastic covered couch…while a big pot of food is cooking (wearing his 20 yo Army uniform).

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:40 am — Reply

      *flatlines* This WHOLE ENTIRE COMMENT is just…

      LMAOOOO!!! I’ma need him not to be cooking in his army uniform doe.

      • Sha Sha
        June 8, 2011 at 6:55 am — Reply

        ROTFLMAOOOOOO @ Drunkle. I.Just.Died.

    • June 10, 2011 at 7:17 am — Reply

      Just when I was getting comfortable with the thought of purgatory this shit just sent me to meet Pac and Biggie in Heaven’s ghetto..

      GOOD NIGHT! 1985-2011

  13. Kim
    June 7, 2011 at 10:58 pm — Reply

    Yup, we all have a Teenie. I actually have two. The Teenie who’s my dad’s brother is in prison, and apparently the one who is my mother’s brother and got out in November just got picked up today. WOMP WOMP.

    • June 8, 2011 at 12:40 am — Reply

      He got arrested TODAY??? Chile… hot mess.

  14. Lawdamercy
    June 8, 2011 at 8:08 am — Reply

    Unfortunately, the Teenie in my family is my father. He’s the youngest of 7, and acts like the baby even at the age of 56.

    He moved in w/ my granny years ago. She moved 2 states away, he eventually found his way to her. Staying in the living room of her tiny 2-bedroom house (my uncle moved in too, so he’s Uncle Teenie).

    She moved to a senior community (to get away), and he was talking about looking for an apt with my uncle! Why are you 50+ still needing roommates?? He hasn’t worked in at least 15+ years, but collects his unemployment. He moved to FL to stay with my other uncle. All I do is SMH at him

    • bronxgirl1
      June 9, 2011 at 1:00 am — Reply

      Um… How did he manage to collect unemployment for 15 years? I am dying over here knowing that he is stalking relatives.

      • Lawdamercy
        June 21, 2011 at 12:56 pm — Reply

        I have NO clue! It is a sad mess! lol

  15. jk
    December 29, 2012 at 3:40 pm — Reply

    I know I’m super late on this post b post but i HAD to comment! The teenie in my life is my soon-to-be sister in law. She’s older than my fiancee but that means absolutely nothing! Homegirl is 33 years old & refuses to keep a job. All she does is lock herself up in her room all day. Eat their mom’s food, drive her car, & basically take up space. When she was working she refused to pay bills & actually cussed out their mom for telling her that she needed to help out! I told my fiancee that she is never welcome in our house because i will end up sticking my foot up her ass!

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