The Bible, As Told in 2053. Or Through Blogs

[ 38 ] July 5, 2011 |

I was bored so I started thinking of what would happen if they came out with the new Bible in like 2053. Or maybe even today. How would the stories be told differently? How it would be covered by blogosphere and others.

2053 Bible is probably gon say Jonah got swallowed by the Fail Whale.

Joseph’s brothers were jealous of him. So they went on Twitter and subtweeted about how technicolor coats are lame. Then somebody’s gon say “At or Dap Joseph #doe.” Then his brothers gon log off for hours and come back saying “We can’t find Joseph!” And then, they gon tweet: “All we saw was that coat Pops made him.” And then folks gon RT it 100x. Yup.

But the story of Jesus would be soooo interesting (and reported SO messily) if it happened today.

First, Judas gon come on Twitter subtweeting talmbout “Savior deez. Folks always wanna make themselves higher than they are.” And then someone random is gon tweet “I just saw a mob with a cross.”

And then TMZ gon publish a story bout how they learned Jesus died. And no one will believe them. And then everyone will go through the 5 Stages of Celebrity Grief on Twitter.

And then Jesus gon tweet after 3 days “Hey. My Father rose me up.” And I’ma RT it because Jesus is my savior. YES LAWD!!! It’ll be awesome.

Snoop at the Last Supper

This has nothing to do with anything but it cracked me up.

Sandra Rose gon write a blogpost to slander Jesus, calling him all types of names but the child of God (see what I did there? YOU SEE IT!). She gon publish a story talmbout “How did Jesus really die? Was it that mystery disease?” for pageviews. And He will smite her.

RT @LDCTax: when does Media takeout come in talkin about Mary don’t know who her baby daddy is??

Then Bossip gon print a story talmbout the other disciples jumped Judas after they found out he sold Jesus out. With pics of Judas” beat up face.

And then YBF gon print an “Exclusive” story saying Jesus was ratted out, two hours after everyone else had the story.

Then MediaTakeOut gon print pics from 4 years before of Mary Magdalene in a compromising position. Then we gon figure out they photoshopped it. Cuz they ain’t bout that life.

And then Huffington Post will print a story that links back to AOL talmbout “What happened after the Last Supper?”

And WorldStarHipHop will have a video of Judas freestyling bout how he brought down the Savior. And the vid of the disciples fighting him.

And then ABC News gon ask the local crackhead bout the resurrection. “Man I was just standing there and that rock moved. I WAS LIKE WOW. So what had happened was… this man wearing in white comes out. And he was all bright. And I was like ‘Who is you?’ And he just smiled and walked away.”

And then TMZ gon post a story talmbout “We heard He was resurrected. Our sources told us.” And errone gon be like “We don’t believe you.” Not knowing that TMZ was standing outside the cave as He rolled the rock away. Or they paid that crackhead to be on the lookout.

And then Google’s gon change their logo to an interactive game of Jesus tryna roll the rock away from the cave. And we’ll all play it for days.

And then the people on Tumblr will create a “Forever Risen” gif with that creepy black and white cartoon guy and reblog it 143,214 times.

And then Mychal Smith will write a post for The Root talmbout “Why won’t they respect Jesus as a Black man?”

And then Jamilah Lemieux will write a post talmbout how Mary Magdalene got a bad wrap because of the patriarchal structure of the Bible. #SheRight

And then KanyeBreast gon recreate the meal she thinks they had at the Last Supper and post the recipe to tumblr. And it’ll be yummy.

And I’ma write a blogpost asking where Jesus got them sandals He rocked because they were soooo dope. Are those Jeffrey Campbells?? And The Fashion Bomb will say yes, and write a post on where folks can get similar ones. And Air Christs will be a HIT and the newest IT shoes to have.

And Afrobella gon post on how Jesus’ hair of wool is so soft and emollient, and what products He uses on it to achieve that amazing coiffure.

And then Beyonce Stans gon be all “BUT JESUS AIN’T BEYSUS!!! All he did was Rise. Ain’t like he recorded ’4′!”

And then CNN gon pick up the story 3 days later and cite that original mob tweet as their story.

Oh and I forgot the part where Tyrese will make a painting based on all of this.

It’ll be a mess.

Any other new aged stories in the 2053 Bible? Y’all can share and add to this foolery.

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Comments (38)

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  1. Gee_O says:

    You forgot the part where Sarah Palin is going to say that Jesus turned water into Simply Orange and Donald Trump is going to demand to see Mary and Joseph’s citizenship papers. Trump will be trying to find the manger on Google Maps and then check in on 4 square when he goes to look for Jesus’ original birth certificate.

  2. Shana says:

    YASSSSSS, LUVVIE.

  3. Kay says:

    Yo ass is ignant as hell!!!! And I damn near died when I read that YBF exclusive…Lawd, I USED to be a fan back in the day, but nawl, homie, nawl….I can’t with her ass anymore….

  4. MissMaryMack says:

    I would so read this Bible! and Request that it be audio recorded by an all black celebrity cast! You stay winning! *dies @ ‘And WorldStarHipHop will have a video of Judas freestyling bout how he brought down the Savior. And the vid of the disciples fighting him.’* *harakiri*

  5. Jazz says:

    IGNANT. I cant with you.

  6. jayded_peach says:

    i had so come out from “lurk” mode to let you know my soul just went on ahead and 0—< because of this.

    you just made my day and my stomach hurt from trying to hold in the laughs.

  7. Stephanie says:

    Lawd, you are a mess!!! I lost it at the Mychal Smith part! You nailed it!! Still LMAO

  8. adamson says:

    Air Christs???!
    I don’t want to live X____X

  9. DJ Diva says:

    You have officially killed me today. Thanks LMAO!!!

  10. Lainey B says:

    I too have come out of lurkdom to comment on this…I am still at the office WEAK! Good thing there are only 2 ppl besides me here, otherwise I would mos def be getting the major o________O

    Snoop at the last supper! DEADDDDDD…I had to copy/paste it and forward it to some of my friends. Thanks Luvvie..you da bestest!

  11. Nana says:

    Ooh, I’m soo happy I stayed home from work today. I just read this and busted out laughing so hard that I spilled my juice all over the place. This was EPIC!

  12. LB says:

    Yer Mostest Awesomelynessis,
    Pretty funny.
    Ya did miss the part bout Lil’ Wayne’s adaptation of Miss Officer for Pontus Pilate.

    (Nice reference to Sister Toldja. Hadn’t thought about her in too long. Hope she (finally) found her guy!)

    LB

    PS: I’d recommend against a Quran version of this … end up like Salman Rushdie …

  13. keisha brown says:

    i. HATE you for that gif.
    i was innocently scrolling..reading..nodding mah head..
    then SNOOP?
    *dies a thousand deaths.

  14. I think Judas would be on World Star hip Hop saying, “Yeah I snitched n*gga. For thirty G’s n*gga. What n*gga? you ain’t got an iced out chain like this, n*gga! I’m flossin,n*gga. Save DEEZ, n*gga”

  15. Chanel says:

    Luvvie dont forget about Kat Stacks tweeting about how Jesus told her what the deal was in intimate privacy weeks before it all went down cuz u know how she like to pretend she stay IN the loop by way of ratchetness.

    Oh and Queen Oprah will get the first on air post-resurrection interview and somewhere Tyra Banks will re-enroll in journalism 101 and hope all of this happens again so she can get her shot…but in the meantime, she’ll make Mary Magdalene a guest judge on Next Top Model.

    “Someone” (Chris Brown) will leak pics of their peen on twitter and compare it to the mighty rod of Jesus and ignorant, low #selfofsteam women around the world will fall out in unison. Groupies.

    Oh and Soulja Boy will create a dance in His honor called Crunk dat Preacher Man…and it will #fail.

    *I want this bible bound in pink leather*

  16. Massah says:

    life hath been given thhrough this article….especially about tumblr because I’m on there too.

  17. Laik says:

    How about you just slayyed the ENTIRE interwebs right here!! But since this is biblical maybe it will rise again. Not in three day though, only King Jesus has that kind of turn around. Let’s give them a week *waits*

  18. krocka says:

    what about the part where jesus gets his own reality show called ‘yall ain’t about that life – celebrity edition’? each week people will come and defend their lifespace…and jesus will say “you’re smited!” first scheduled guests:

    - soulja boy
    - wacka flocka
    - cast of ANY basketball wives show
    - sarah palin
    - jersey shore cast
    - eddie long <<<—- (yep, i said it)

  19. Max says:

    Long time stan, occasional commenter.

    Luvvie. You have to stop trying to kill me. The shadefulness, the gif, the true facts, all of it. You got folk outchea tryin to breathe and you come with this post trying to make a broad need her inhaler.

    Not cool. Not cool at all.

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