The Bible, As Told in 2053. Or Through Blogs
I was bored so I started thinking of what would happen if they came out with the new Bible in like 2053. Or maybe even today. How would the stories be told differently? How it would be covered by blogosphere and others.
2053 Bible is probably gon say Jonah got swallowed by the Fail Whale.
Joseph’s brothers were jealous of him. So they went on Twitter and subtweeted about how technicolor coats are lame. Then somebody’s gon say “At or Dap Joseph #doe.” Then his brothers gon log off for hours and come back saying “We can’t find Joseph!” And then, they gon tweet: “All we saw was that coat Pops made him.” And then folks gon RT it 100x. Yup.
But the story of Jesus would be soooo interesting (and reported SO messily) if it happened today.
First, Judas gon come on Twitter subtweeting talmbout “Savior deez. Folks always wanna make themselves higher than they are.” And then someone random is gon tweet “I just saw a mob with a cross.”
And then TMZ gon publish a story bout how they learned Jesus died. And no one will believe them. And then everyone will go through the 5 Stages of Celebrity Grief on Twitter.
And then Jesus gon tweet after 3 days “Hey. My Father rose me up.” And I’ma RT it because Jesus is my savior. YES LAWD!!! It’ll be awesome.
Sandra Rose gon write a blogpost to slander Jesus, calling him all types of names but the child of God (see what I did there? YOU SEE IT!). She gon publish a story talmbout “How did Jesus really die? Was it that mystery disease?” for pageviews. And He will smite her.
RT @LDCTax: when does Media takeout come in talkin about Mary don’t know who her baby daddy is??
Then Bossip gon print a story talmbout the other disciples jumped Judas after they found out he sold Jesus out. With pics of Judas” beat up face.
And then YBF gon print an “Exclusive” story saying Jesus was ratted out, two hours after everyone else had the story.
Then MediaTakeOut gon print pics from 4 years before of Mary Magdalene in a compromising position. Then we gon figure out they photoshopped it. Cuz they ain’t bout that life.
And then Huffington Post will print a story that links back to AOL talmbout “What happened after the Last Supper?”
And WorldStarHipHop will have a video of Judas freestyling bout how he brought down the Savior. And the vid of the disciples fighting him.
And then ABC News gon ask the local crackhead bout the resurrection. “Man I was just standing there and that rock moved. I WAS LIKE WOW. So what had happened was… this man wearing in white comes out. And he was all bright. And I was like ‘Who is you?’ And he just smiled and walked away.”
And then TMZ gon post a story talmbout “We heard He was resurrected. Our sources told us.” And errone gon be like “We don’t believe you.” Not knowing that TMZ was standing outside the cave as He rolled the rock away. Or they paid that crackhead to be on the lookout.
And then Google’s gon change their logo to an interactive game of Jesus tryna roll the rock away from the cave. And we’ll all play it for days.
And then the people on Tumblr will create a “Forever Risen” gif with that creepy black and white cartoon guy and reblog it 143,214 times.
And then Mychal Smith will write a post for The Root talmbout “Why won’t they respect Jesus as a Black man?”
And then Jamilah Lemieux will write a post talmbout how Mary Magdalene got a bad wrap because of the patriarchal structure of the Bible. #SheRight
And then KanyeBreast gon recreate the meal she thinks they had at the Last Supper and post the recipe to tumblr. And it’ll be yummy.
And I’ma write a blogpost asking where Jesus got them sandals He rocked because they were soooo dope. Are those Jeffrey Campbells?? And The Fashion Bomb will say yes, and write a post on where folks can get similar ones. And Air Christs will be a HIT and the newest IT shoes to have.
And Afrobella gon post on how Jesus’ hair of wool is so soft and emollient, and what products He uses on it to achieve that amazing coiffure.
And then Beyonce Stans gon be all “BUT JESUS AIN’T BEYSUS!!! All he did was Rise. Ain’t like he recorded ‘4’!”
And then CNN gon pick up the story 3 days later and cite that original mob tweet as their story.
Oh and I forgot the part where Tyrese will make a painting based on all of this.
It’ll be a mess.
Any other new aged stories in the 2053 Bible? Y’all can share and add to this foolery.