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10 Things That Happened at the 2011 VMAs

Many things happened during the 3-hour 2011 MTV VMAs. Many things. Very few of them was interesting. Most of the time I was watching it was spent yelling at the TV like “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?” I think I knew 49.2% of the people present, which let me know that I may be outgrowing MTV. That, and I’m out of the loop with current music.

But there was ONE highlight of the night. And yes, you already guessed it.

1. Beyonce’s Belly Rub. Unless you’re living under a rock, or in an Amish community, you’ve heard that Beyoncé is pregnant by now. And the way she revealed it on the VMAs was nothing short of dope. First, she came on the red carpet and said she had a surprise. She held her tummy and the world lost its’ collective mind. At least on Twitter anyway.

THEN she came onstage to perform. She started with “I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside of me” and I ain’t gon lie. My thug went “SCREECH!” AAWWWWWW!!! Then she proceeded to SLAY in a performance of “Love on Top” that felt so joyful. And she sounded all good and stuff. Pregnancy coated Bey’s throat with ambrosia and nectar of awesome. I was all “Aight, come thoo and GIVE then Queen Yawnce!” And as she finished, she opened up her #sequence jacket and:

Beyonce Belly Rub

#ThatBellyRub

YESSSSSS LAWDDDD!!! Bish you better get up there and ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PREGNANCY IN THE BEST WAY EVER!!!!

*kicks down chair*
*runs around the living room*
*hollers like I won money*

YES YOU EPIC HEFFA, YOU!!!

And the camera panned to Jay-Z and he was SO GEEKED! And my thug bust out a *wall slide* in the name of love.

Jay-Z Happy GIF

Kanye congratulating Jay-Z.

Seriously. The look on Jay-Z’s face was EVERYTHING I needed. It was what pure joy looks like. It was BEAUTIFUL to see him light up. He was giddy as a schoolgirl and his face looked like Christmas came early. I loved every bit of it. His “I got Beyoncé pregnant” swag is on a hundred thousand trillion. Jay-Z, GOOD LOOKING ON THAT YOUNG INSEMINATION!!! YOU DEED THAT!!! #Shourrout to the Royal Knowles-Carter UTERUS!!!

Baby Knowles-Carter is gon come out and cry unicorn tears and piss glitter into the doctor’s hands! We can start fasting NOW that it looks like Bey though. COME ON, JESUS!

I am a Beyoncé fan, not a stan. I don’t wake up and clock in at the House of Dereon. BUT, I’ll be dambed if she ain’t try (and lowkey succeed) in converting me last night. I fell in love with her. That showing was too epic not to. As the world holds its breath for this ROYAL BABY, lemme say this to everyone: JUST BECAUSE BEYONCE IS PREGNANT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO BE.

I’ma just leave that right there.

Moving on to incredibly LESSER moments…

P.S. I stopped giving a single Iota of a damb about the rest of the show after Bey performed. They shoulda just been like “WELP, looks like we’re done here. Goodnight, everyone!” But alas, they kept going. And I went to the kitchen for the next hour. Thankfully before that happened…

Adele at 2011 MTV VMAs

YAASSSSS!!!

2. Adele came thoo and SANG. As she is always expected to. Y’all know I love me some Adele. That plump Brit don’t need nothing else but that mic, that piano, her Grandma’s old dress, her ratchet side ponytail and AIR. She slays hoes effortlessly with that voice. She sang one of my favorite songs of hers “Someone Like You” and showed folks that you’ont need fireworks or autotune to GIVE. I just love her so murch. Her performance was the only other one that I was excited about. And the only other thing about the whole show that I’m giving positive reviews on.

Everything else that happened annoyed me to pieces. And this is in no particular order. Like…

3. Lady Gaga was dressed like Justin Bieber a dude all night and was bad at it. She opened up the show with her performance, which started with what felt like a 15-minute monologue. I AIN’T COME FOR THIS FAKE ASS WEST SIDE STORY/GREASE INTRO! I was too annoyed to give a damb about what she said. She was dressed as some dude named Joe. And apparently, dude was drunk all night because anytime Gaga brought her ass on stage, she looked and acted like she just did a Jagerbomb shot.

Gaga performed as Joe and I was all “OHHHH! I get now why she wears all the crazy costumes and meat. Because without them, she’s an average performer. I got it.” MEH. She’s talented and can sing but MEH.

And after her opening performance, Joe/Gaga made an appearance onstage to present or win an award like 10 times. I was pretty much OVER IT before the show was even halfway. GERROFF the stage, GAGA! I just wanted her to go have a seat. And stay there. Ugh.

4. While Lady Gaga was dressed like Justin Bieber, Justine (-___-) was dressed like a militant Ellen DeGeneres and Nicki Minaj was dressed like Lady Gaga’s Alien Stepcousin. WHY WAS EVERYONE DOING THE MOST WITH THEIR #ALPHETS?!?

Nicki Minaj 2011 at the MTV VMAs

Girl, go take a nap.

According to Sinnamon’s Couture:

“Nicki’s outfit consisted of an Amato Couture pink corset, Shojotomo Japan shorts, thigh highs and critter socks, Tsimori Chisato stockings, an Onch Movement ice cream necklace, Fifi and Romeo plastic cuffs and Duepunti rings.”

I can’t e’em pronounce most of that stuff, but together, she looked like what an acid trip MUST be like. If I wanted to go down that path, I’d go to a rave, Nicki! DAMB! Can we put Nicki Minaj into the spaceship she WISHES she came to Earth in? Mars is looking for citizens. I can’t stand Nicki Minaj. Her and Will.I.Am need to volunteer for the space program so we can leave them on the moon. EXTRA ASS.

And Justin Bieber wore Malcolm X’s glasses. And looked like Plymouth Rock landed next to him and asked me “Kind Ma’am, can you show me the people I’m ‘posed to land on?” He’s so pretty #doe. The boy is sooo pretty!

Justin Bieber at 2011 MTV VMAs

Him so pretty!

Random but can I say that when I saw him and Selena Gomez kiss, I went “ew?” Those two have about as much sexual chemistry as Woody and Buzz Lightyear. They’re both just so… asexual to me.

Also related: Selena Gomez stole my avatar’s ALPHET!

Selena Gomez Luvvie at 2011 MTV VMAs

Who rocked it better???

I’d like the record to show that I had on my #alphet at 3:30pm CST. Selena stole my goth swag! It’s aight #doe. I ain’t bitter (-__-).

5. Chris Brown performed as a Hood Angel. This fool came dressed in an all white suit, looking like St. Michael’s hood assistant, or Diddy from the “I’ll be missing you” video. Same difference. Then her proceeded to dance like it was his last chance. The boy ain’t got the sense God gave a remedial goat with ADHD but he sure can dance. HOWEVER, he ain’t sing a lick. That mic on his head was just there for decoration and nothing else.

And to further prove that Heaven does indeed have a ghetto, Breezy flew over the crowd and somersaulted. I was all “Ummm… ok.” I guess. I ain’t got much to say about/to Chris nowadays. He’s getting more tats though. Maybe in an attempt to not be so light-skint. IDK.

Moving on…

Tyler the Creator at 2011 MTV VMAs6. Dude in the tie dyed t-shirt (and his mama) showed out. It started at the preshow when this dude who y’all told me was named Tyler The Creator (Iunno that stranger bish) came on acting a complete fool. Like he ain’t never been nowhere before. Then the show started and he continued to act like he ain’t got good sense. He came onstage with the Beastie Boys and his cooning crew. And the moment he did the Harlem Shake was when I was pretty through.

Then he won an award and his mother hopped out her seat like the holy ghost hops out Juanita Bynum’s fingers on Facebook. I ain’t gon fault her too murch though. Her lame hipster son won “Best New Artist” and she clearly had to do a jig for Jesus.

Mama Tyler the Creator at 2011 MTV VMAs

Mama Tyler giving glory to HER Lawd!

7. MTV did a janky tribute to Britney spears. It was all of like 3 minutes, and Britney looked like she half forgot that she actually did all that stuff. Iunno what happened to her but she looked like a shell. And Gaga’s ass was the person who presented her the award.

And bless their hearts for making her introduce Beyoncé as part of her thank you speech. That’s how you know you have lost. They honor YOU and half your speech is about how the NEXT performer is awesome and kinda greater than you. WOMP.

Britney Lady Gaga at 2011 MTV VMAs

Britney was not tryna have anything Gaga was offering. #DoNotWant

8. Lil Wayne wore snow leopard pajama jeans. And performed with autotune. And it sucked. The end.

Lil Wayne at the 20011 MTV VMAs

9. The MTV Award show writers dropped the ball. In a major way. Every single dialogue between presenters was AWKWARD as all to be. So awkward that watching some of them was kinda painful and uncomfortable. The banter was all stilted. I know that a lot of celebs aren’t GREAT at reading teleprompters and that was some of it. HOWEVER, the script was just not good. All these talented writers EVERYWHERE and MTV wants to hire the ones who make folks sound like the doggone Tin Man for award shows. Womp! Whoever MTV’s head writers are need to be put on probation. THSE DIALOGUES WERE AWFUL.

I mean, they could hire ME to do this stuff for them. But I’m just saying. (-___-) I really wish award show conversations didn’t make me wanna jump off my bed unto soft carpet.

Meanwhile…

10. Tom Cruise let Katie Holmes leave the house by herself and not only attend the show, but present. That was momentous. Y’all know that’s his robot. He needs her at his side at all times, otherwise she might escape. Katie was looking like she got freshly brainwashed by Scientology in the limo on the way to the awards though. She ain’t been right since she got with Tom Cruise. She always looks like she wants to tell us a secret but is afraid to speak. I feel like Tom took Katie’s soul, put it in a jar and hid it in his shoe lifts. I’ont trust that pocket scientologist.

Other things happened but I’m done.

Did you enjoy the show? Did you scream yourself into a headache bout #ThatBellyRub like I did? Did you know most of those stranger bishes on stage? What did y’all think of the show overall? Tell a G.

More great coverage of the 2011 VMAs is at: MissJia.com, The Cynical Ones, Sinnamon’s Couture.

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50 Comments

  1. August 29, 2011 at 10:13 am — Reply

    “JUST BECAUSE BEYONCE IS PREGNANT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO BE.” — Preach!!

    • lexi
      August 29, 2011 at 12:12 pm — Reply

      I CONCURR!!!THANK YOU FOR THE PSA LUVVIE!!! U KNOW HOW THIS MIGHT BECOME MORE RAMPANT THAN IT ALREADY IS BECAUSE KING B BE WITH CHILD SMH!!! BUT I WAS SO OVERJOYED!!

      • August 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm — Reply

        I just hope folks don’t try to get preggo too JUST b/c Bey is. You know we’re all impressionable. WOMP.

  2. August 29, 2011 at 10:21 am — Reply

    iDied. Love it! I’m more excited about Beyonces baby than almost anything….and I’m not even ashamed to admit it.

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:47 pm — Reply

      Gurl, same here! No shame in my excitement game after seeing last night’s display of awesome!

  3. August 29, 2011 at 10:23 am — Reply

    Oh wait, have to move from my iPhone to the desktop so that I can leave a real comment:

    Adele…That plump Brit don’t need nothing else but that mic, that piano, her Grandma’s old dress – Tears streaming down my face

    Chris Brown …The boy ain’t got the sense God gave a remedial goat with ADHD… – ROFL

    Tyler The Creator (Iunno that stranger bish) came on acting a complete fool. Like he ain’t never been nowhere before…Then he won an award and his mother hopped out her seat like the holy ghost hops out Juanita Bynum’s fingers on Facebook. – ROFL with tears streaming down my face.

    Britney…bless their hearts for making her introduce Beyoncé as part of her thank you speech. That’s how you know you have lost. They honor YOU and half your speech is about how the NEXT performer is awesome and kinda greater than you. WOMP. – Dead

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:48 pm — Reply

      LOL I’m just saying, Monique! I speak nothing but truths out here.

  4. August 29, 2011 at 10:29 am — Reply

    Clearly I lost by going to sleep and not watching the VMAs. I also lose by having THEMAN at my job ban twitter so I was the ONLY person on Earf that did not know King B was pregnant until this very moment. However, thanks to you Luvvie I can #ack like I was in the know whole time… #preshiateit

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:49 pm — Reply

      I watch so you don’t have to. That’s just the type of person *I* am. And YAYYYYY to me being the one to break the news of Baby Knowles-Carter to you. I thought for sure everyone had heard about it. *cartwheels*

  5. Coqui
    August 29, 2011 at 10:37 am — Reply

    You’re right on target, Luvvie

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:49 pm — Reply

      I be trying. Sometimes. :-)

  6. paintgurl40
    August 29, 2011 at 10:43 am — Reply

    i didn’t watch it because i didn’t know almost 80% of the people there. i saw the clip of beyonce on the news and i thought that was so cute! but it’s michael jackson’s b-day and they are paying homage to him on the radio, and that is what has my attention this morning. (as far as celebrities go)

    i wish i caught adele’s performance, and i rather read your comment on the show. it was entertaining!

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:51 pm — Reply

      I ain’t know most of them stranger bishes myself. But Bey and Adele were my only highlights.

  7. Kay
    August 29, 2011 at 10:54 am — Reply

    Thanks for the recap…I refuse to watch award shows….they are just so damn annoying…ugh, bitch, just ugh….I found out this morning that the Creole Dynasty will live on forever….

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:52 pm — Reply

      You’s welcome! And the ONLY reason I watch these janky award shows now is because of Twitter. The tweets bout the show are way more entertaining then the show itself so…

  8. August 29, 2011 at 10:59 am — Reply

    *snot and tears running all out my face* Why am I crying so damn hard. Your accessment of Adele’s ponytail and Granny’s dress?? LMAO!!! *dead*

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:53 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!! Not the ugly cry laugh! HAAAA!!!

  9. emti
    August 29, 2011 at 11:09 am — Reply

    Jay and Bey’s baby will be born with a wind machine…TRUST ME ON THIS

  10. August 29, 2011 at 11:22 am — Reply

    First, LMAO at emti ^^. AGREED!

    Second, Luvie, girl… Your entiah recap was damn hilarious! Especially, #Tylerthewhatshisface and his Madea! I threw a shoe at my TV while hollin’, “Dude, get your ghetto ass MAMA!” And his speech to “the kids”?

    “BEEP BEEEP you BLEEP BLAP BLEEP possible.” <—Whatchu say ninja?

    Shut my damn mouth!

    Also, here is point 11 for you. The fact that you didn't mention Miss Jessie J can directly be attributed to the atrocity of MTV relegating her to a fade in/fade out item. THAT BITCH CAN BLOW! I GUAR-ON-DAMN-TEE THAT WE MISSED THE BEST PARTS OF THE SHOW!

    Besides Queen B of course…

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm — Reply

      LMAO @ you throwing a shoe at the TV. I was just like “WOWWW!!! Someone come get Mama Tyler!”

      And I LOVVVVEEE Jessie J! But they ain’t do her justice by having her sat there singing songs like “No Scrubs.” I want my “Big White Room” Jessie J!

  11. August 29, 2011 at 11:23 am — Reply

    “That plump Brit don’t need nothing else but that mic, that piano, her Grandma’s old dress, her ratchet side ponytail and AIR.”

    OK, seriously, I just laughed so hard my 3 year old thought I was dying. I’m billing you for his future therapy after rescuing mom from fainting on the couch.

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:22 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!! Can I pay your bill in dereon dollars? Because otherwise, I got nothing.

      • August 29, 2011 at 9:42 pm — Reply

        I am completely fine with this. More Dereon jeans for me!

        Speaking of Dereon, do you think there will be real dereon onesies for the baby? Or just mini versions of what already is in Bey’s closet?

  12. August 29, 2011 at 11:30 am — Reply

    I’m not afraid to admit that Nikki Minaj keeps me going on the elliptical (although the song with her and Eminem makes me want to hug them and send them a balloon… they are really angry…), I also have to wonder why her outfit last night looked like the inside of my 7 month old’s toy box. He has all of those things, but the difference is, he chews on them instead of wearing them.

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:20 pm — Reply

      “I also have to wonder why her outfit last night looked like the inside of my 7 month old’s toy box.”

      Trust, I wonder the same. Nicki needs to not dress like the fantasy of ever 3 year old. She really needs not.

  13. Brianna Leigh
    August 29, 2011 at 12:17 pm — Reply

    I’m a Gaga stan, but I don’t blame Brit for not kissing her…Herpes is forever. >:D

    It’s too bad doctors can’t modify your genes after they do the plastic surgery. I’m worried about what that child will look like. LOL

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm — Reply

      LOL!!! Britney was all “NAWL! Iunno where you mouth’s been, Gaga!”

      • emti
        August 30, 2011 at 8:17 am — Reply

        did y’all see her lips quivering in fear?

  14. PhenomenalWoman
    August 29, 2011 at 12:44 pm — Reply

    Did anyone look closely at the gentlemen in the marvelous gif (he is a clear cousin) in the suit and tie behind the pontificating Deaconess prostrating before the Lord, if he is not encouraging and witnessing that Holy Spirit moment… goodness.
    Also I know it’s good to be proud of your child and what not, and she “caught spirit” so to speak but maybe the next prayer circle meeting should be devoted to your son getting some home training and manners, I’m pretty sure the language he was using was enough to make Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph weep.

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:16 pm — Reply

      LMAO!!! YES! I saw him back there cheering her praise on! Mama Tyler was overjoyed. But yeah she needs to dropkick her son for acting up on national TV

  15. PhenomenalWoman
    August 29, 2011 at 12:50 pm — Reply

    Also Luvvie your recap *Mama Tyler Glory Lord salute* I loooved it:)

  16. nica
    August 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm — Reply

    I’m so happy to be on the West Coast as it relates to awards shows. I can follow it as it runs in the East and then catch all the best talked about features.

    I have to give it to B, she did that. And flaunting her baby bump, too.

    LOVE Adele and wish she would get more exposure and promotion.

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:15 pm — Reply

      You West Coasters get cheated sometimes w/ the viewings of these shows. BUT they live-streamed online this year so that was good.

  17. QueenBee
    August 29, 2011 at 1:06 pm — Reply

    When Bey announced her pregnancy – I had a convo with Jesus and BEGGED him to bring that baby out looking like Bey and NOT JayZ #lawdhammercy

    You summed up the awards show nicely – I agree with every comment you made :P

    • emti
      August 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm — Reply

      I think we need to have weekly prayer circles to ensure that baby comes out looking like Bey…or at least be a boy

      • QueenBee
        August 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm — Reply

        Weekly Prayer Circle – FANTASTIC idea, it sure cant hurt LOL

      • August 29, 2011 at 6:14 pm — Reply

        YESSS!!! We can send up a coupla words to the Big Man in her honor. I approve.

    • August 29, 2011 at 6:14 pm — Reply

      Praying to Jesus bout that baby is importance. Especially for protection against Beyonce stans.

  18. wishabishdid
    August 29, 2011 at 6:22 pm — Reply

    Who was the bum-legged stranga bish singing on the couch? She murdered “Creep”.

    Lil Wayne’s singing part of the show was like a REMAKE of the Best Cry Ever Auto-Tuned (see youtube).

    While everybody else is trying to go “cross over” like Weezy’s rockshit and Nikki’s wanna-be Narauto swag, and Breezy’s club dub, Bey’s “Love on Top” was an earthquake performance– her song’s catchy tempo was nothing but good ol’ rejuvenated jazzy Al Jearu’style AND STILL upstaged every single performance done that night — and what they were planning to do the show after that!

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:55 pm — Reply

      “Who was the bum-legged stranga bish singing on the couch?”

      Ok THAT made me laugh. But that lady is Jessie J. She’s actually REALLY talented. I’ont like how MTV relegated her to the house band. Hmph.

      And I have nothing to say bout Lil Wayne that hasn’t been said bout *insert any other disastrous award show performance here*

      YES, QUEEN YAWNCE!!!

  19. CK
    August 29, 2011 at 8:27 pm — Reply

    I know you’re a new Adele fan, but I just wanted to let you know that she is 23, not 21. She titles her albums after the age she was when she wrote them. She was 19 when she wrote ’19’, and 21 when she wrote ’21’. Just a helpful little tidbit of information. :)

    • August 29, 2011 at 8:43 pm — Reply

      I know. The folks of Twitter have let me know.

  20. August 29, 2011 at 10:22 pm — Reply

    I didn’t watch the show cuz I aint ever need to watch these ratchet ass award shows. Your tweets always tell me everthang I need to know. Please believe I was checking out your VMAparty & checking #luvVMAs on twitter. I knew the show was gon’ be trash and your comments wont ever fail to slay me…but when I read this..

    ‘Tom Cruise let Katie Holmes leave the house by herself and not only attend the show, but present. That was momentous. Y’all know that’s his robot. He needs her at his side at all times, otherwise she might escape. Katie was looking like she got freshly brainwashed by Scientology in the limo on the way to the awards though. She ain’t been right since she got with Tom Cruise. She always looks like she wants to tell us a secret but is afraid to speak. I feel like Tom took Katie’s soul, put it in a jar and hid it in his shoe lifts. I’ont trust that pocket scientologist.’ – LLMFAOOOOOOOOO. I can’t.

    I really CANNOT. Luvvie you are too much. I just..
    Bye Y’all.

  21. August 30, 2011 at 12:44 am — Reply

    Too funny, I missed the show, but i’m sure it’ll be on again 3 trillion times between now and next week, i’ll catch it…great list!!

  22. gwendella
    September 1, 2011 at 12:58 am — Reply

    Then he won an award and his mother hopped out her seat like the holy ghost hops out Juanita Bynum’s fingers on Facebook. LMAO right on POINT as always.

  23. September 1, 2011 at 8:47 pm — Reply

    Luvvie FTW once more. I can’t imagine awards without you.

    #1: My supervisor is a Ciara stan (stop laughing, I’m no comedian this is the truth) and he was so mad at Beyonce “stealing everyone’s spotlight because her album didn’t do anything” he didn’t know what to do. I was grinning like a little kid and first gave him a “You mad, huh?” then told him to be thankful for the maternity break so that Cici may be able to release an album. He walked away. My inner “Sasha Fierce Support Representative” (I am too damn old to stan) was jigging like a fat kid first in the cake line at a birthday party.

    #2: MTV shaded the hell out of poor Brit-Brit. I was laughing but still felt bad. Then again-she looked like she didn’t even feel like bothering (loved her little #alphet though)

    #3: Speaking of #alphets: Your avi killed Selena. Selena couldn’t mess with those boots!

    #4: Y’all can laugh at me and judge but watching that short clip of Tony and Amy had me wiping my eyes. I’m still messed up over Amy like I knew her personally.

  24. HowlingBanshee
    December 1, 2012 at 7:27 am — Reply

    Once again, here I come decades late to the party like a fool who just foundt this website three days ago and has been perusing the archives for dear life:

    After Bey’s preg announcement, my Facebook newsfeed was filled with delusional Bey-drones talking ’bout “I’m am Beyonce’s baby god-mama!”

    O.O

    You — WHAT???

    Suga bugg, you can’t even afford Beyonce’s nursing bra, how are you going to be that woman’s baby’s godmama? Aren’t you still struggling to get support from your baby’s father?

    Since then I’ve learned the beauty of the “unsubscribe” button so people can still be my friends on FB without my having to see every crazy thought that pops into their head.

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