Many things happened during the 3-hour 2011 MTV VMAs. Many things. Very few of them was interesting. Most of the time I was watching it was spent yelling at the TV like “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?” I think I knew 49.2% of the people present, which let me know that I may be outgrowing MTV. That, and I’m out of the loop with current music.
But there was ONE highlight of the night. And yes, you already guessed it.
1. Beyonce’s Belly Rub. Unless you’re living under a rock, or in an Amish community, you’ve heard that Beyoncé is pregnant by now. And the way she revealed it on the VMAs was nothing short of dope. First, she came on the red carpet and said she had a surprise. She held her tummy and the world lost its’ collective mind. At least on Twitter anyway.
THEN she came onstage to perform. She started with “I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside of me” and I ain’t gon lie. My thug went “SCREECH!” AAWWWWWW!!! Then she proceeded to SLAY in a performance of “Love on Top” that felt so joyful. And she sounded all good and stuff. Pregnancy coated Bey’s throat with ambrosia and nectar of awesome. I was all “Aight, come thoo and GIVE then Queen Yawnce!” And as she finished, she opened up her #sequence jacket and:
YESSSSSS LAWDDDD!!! Bish you better get up there and ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PREGNANCY IN THE BEST WAY EVER!!!!
*kicks down chair*
*runs around the living room*
*hollers like I won money*
YES YOU EPIC HEFFA, YOU!!!
And the camera panned to Jay-Z and he was SO GEEKED! And my thug bust out a *wall slide* in the name of love.
Seriously. The look on Jay-Z’s face was EVERYTHING I needed. It was what pure joy looks like. It was BEAUTIFUL to see him light up. He was giddy as a schoolgirl and his face looked like Christmas came early. I loved every bit of it. His “I got Beyoncé pregnant” swag is on a hundred thousand trillion. Jay-Z, GOOD LOOKING ON THAT YOUNG INSEMINATION!!! YOU DEED THAT!!! #Shourrout to the Royal Knowles-Carter UTERUS!!!
Baby Knowles-Carter is gon come out and cry unicorn tears and piss glitter into the doctor’s hands! We can start fasting NOW that it looks like Bey though. COME ON, JESUS!
I am a Beyoncé fan, not a stan. I don’t wake up and clock in at the House of Dereon. BUT, I’ll be dambed if she ain’t try (and lowkey succeed) in converting me last night. I fell in love with her. That showing was too epic not to. As the world holds its breath for this ROYAL BABY, lemme say this to everyone: JUST BECAUSE BEYONCE IS PREGNANT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO BE.
I’ma just leave that right there.
Moving on to incredibly LESSER moments…
P.S. I stopped giving a single Iota of a damb about the rest of the show after Bey performed. They shoulda just been like “WELP, looks like we’re done here. Goodnight, everyone!” But alas, they kept going. And I went to the kitchen for the next hour. Thankfully before that happened…
2. Adele came thoo and SANG. As she is always expected to. Y’all know I love me some Adele. That plump Brit don’t need nothing else but that mic, that piano, her Grandma’s old dress, her ratchet side ponytail and AIR. She slays hoes effortlessly with that voice. She sang one of my favorite songs of hers “Someone Like You” and showed folks that you’ont need fireworks or autotune to GIVE. I just love her so murch. Her performance was the only other one that I was excited about. And the only other thing about the whole show that I’m giving positive reviews on.
Everything else that happened annoyed me to pieces. And this is in no particular order. Like…
3. Lady Gaga was dressed like
Justin Bieber a dude all night and was bad at it. She opened up the show with her performance, which started with what felt like a 15-minute monologue. I AIN’T COME FOR THIS FAKE ASS WEST SIDE STORY/GREASE INTRO! I was too annoyed to give a damb about what she said. She was dressed as some dude named Joe. And apparently, dude was drunk all night because anytime Gaga brought her ass on stage, she looked and acted like she just did a Jagerbomb shot.
Gaga performed as Joe and I was all “OHHHH! I get now why she wears all the crazy costumes and meat. Because without them, she’s an average performer. I got it.” MEH. She’s talented and can sing but MEH.
And after her opening performance, Joe/Gaga made an appearance onstage to present or win an award like 10 times. I was pretty much OVER IT before the show was even halfway. GERROFF the stage, GAGA! I just wanted her to go have a seat. And stay there. Ugh.
4. While Lady Gaga was dressed like Justin Bieber, Justine (-___-) was dressed like a militant Ellen DeGeneres and Nicki Minaj was dressed like Lady Gaga’s Alien Stepcousin. WHY WAS EVERYONE DOING THE MOST WITH THEIR #ALPHETS?!?
According to Sinnamon’s Couture:
“Nicki’s outfit consisted of an Amato Couture pink corset, Shojotomo Japan shorts, thigh highs and critter socks, Tsimori Chisato stockings, an Onch Movement ice cream necklace, Fifi and Romeo plastic cuffs and Duepunti rings.”
I can’t e’em pronounce most of that stuff, but together, she looked like what an acid trip MUST be like. If I wanted to go down that path, I’d go to a rave, Nicki! DAMB! Can we put Nicki Minaj into the spaceship she WISHES she came to Earth in? Mars is looking for citizens. I can’t stand Nicki Minaj. Her and Will.I.Am need to volunteer for the space program so we can leave them on the moon. EXTRA ASS.
And Justin Bieber wore Malcolm X’s glasses. And looked like Plymouth Rock landed next to him and asked me “Kind Ma’am, can you show me the people I’m ‘posed to land on?” He’s so pretty #doe. The boy is sooo pretty!
Random but can I say that when I saw him and Selena Gomez kiss, I went “ew?” Those two have about as much sexual chemistry as Woody and Buzz Lightyear. They’re both just so… asexual to me.
Also related: Selena Gomez stole my avatar’s ALPHET!
I’d like the record to show that I had on my #alphet at 3:30pm CST. Selena stole my goth swag! It’s aight #doe. I ain’t bitter (-__-).
5. Chris Brown performed as a Hood Angel. This fool came dressed in an all white suit, looking like St. Michael’s hood assistant, or Diddy from the “I’ll be missing you” video. Same difference. Then her proceeded to dance like it was his last chance. The boy ain’t got the sense God gave a remedial goat with ADHD but he sure can dance. HOWEVER, he ain’t sing a lick. That mic on his head was just there for decoration and nothing else.
And to further prove that Heaven does indeed have a ghetto, Breezy flew over the crowd and somersaulted. I was all “Ummm… ok.” I guess. I ain’t got much to say about/to Chris nowadays. He’s getting more tats though. Maybe in an attempt to not be so light-skint. IDK.
6. Dude in the tie dyed t-shirt (and his mama) showed out. It started at the preshow when this dude who y’all told me was named Tyler The Creator (Iunno that stranger bish) came on acting a complete fool. Like he ain’t never been nowhere before. Then the show started and he continued to act like he ain’t got good sense. He came onstage with the Beastie Boys and his cooning crew. And the moment he did the Harlem Shake was when I was pretty through.
Then he won an award and his mother hopped out her seat like the holy ghost hops out Juanita Bynum’s fingers on Facebook. I ain’t gon fault her too murch though. Her lame hipster son won “Best New Artist” and she clearly had to do a jig for Jesus.
7. MTV did a janky tribute to Britney spears. It was all of like 3 minutes, and Britney looked like she half forgot that she actually did all that stuff. Iunno what happened to her but she looked like a shell. And Gaga’s ass was the person who presented her the award.
And bless their hearts for making her introduce Beyoncé as part of her thank you speech. That’s how you know you have lost. They honor YOU and half your speech is about how the NEXT performer is awesome and kinda greater than you. WOMP.
8. Lil Wayne wore snow leopard pajama jeans. And performed with autotune. And it sucked. The end.
9. The MTV Award show writers dropped the ball. In a major way. Every single dialogue between presenters was AWKWARD as all to be. So awkward that watching some of them was kinda painful and uncomfortable. The banter was all stilted. I know that a lot of celebs aren’t GREAT at reading teleprompters and that was some of it. HOWEVER, the script was just not good. All these talented writers EVERYWHERE and MTV wants to hire the ones who make folks sound like the doggone Tin Man for award shows. Womp! Whoever MTV’s head writers are need to be put on probation. THSE DIALOGUES WERE AWFUL.
I mean, they could hire ME to do this stuff for them. But I’m just saying. (-___-) I really wish award show conversations didn’t make me wanna jump off my bed unto soft carpet.
10. Tom Cruise let Katie Holmes leave the house by herself and not only attend the show, but present. That was momentous. Y’all know that’s his robot. He needs her at his side at all times, otherwise she might escape. Katie was looking like she got freshly brainwashed by Scientology in the limo on the way to the awards though. She ain’t been right since she got with Tom Cruise. She always looks like she wants to tell us a secret but is afraid to speak. I feel like Tom took Katie’s soul, put it in a jar and hid it in his shoe lifts. I’ont trust that pocket scientologist.
Other things happened but I’m done.
Did you enjoy the show? Did you scream yourself into a headache bout #ThatBellyRub like I did? Did you know most of those stranger bishes on stage? What did y’all think of the show overall? Tell a G.