Famous folksLetter

Dear Kim Kardashian, Divorce Already, Huh?

According to TMZ.com, the neighborhood gossip who is rarely wrong, Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce, 72 days after getting married. This is an obvious choice for a sternly-worded letter.

Dear Kim Kardashian,

You really just filed for divorce two and a half months after you said “I do.” This is the wedding that was hyped up like the gahtdamb SuperBowl and the ish cost just about as much at $10 million. You e’em wore 3 Vera Wang dresses and all’at. We all thought you needed more people but we let you cook anyway. But whatevs.

Wedding pictures came out and it didn’t help that the magazine cover only had you on it. You ain’t e’em bother to put Kris on with you. He was clearly a “non-mufucking factor,” word to Evelyn “Boo Boo” Lozada.

And then, story came out a coupla days ago saying that E! coordinated the whole you getting married thing. And Kris Humphries was the 2nd choice because the first dude they approached didn’t want to do reality tv. And the sham was outted. And then you file for divorce today. Ma’am, you’re rude, because you’re basically confirming that it was all a stunt.

Kim Kardashian Divorce

TMZ.com got some of the tea

For one, your soon-to-be ex-husband Kris humphries never curled all the way over, anyway. There’s something about him that just ain’t all there. Plus, he has about as much personality as a chewed cashew. Y’all had about as much sexual chemistry as Snow White had with them dwarves. It was awkward at best. But 72 days? I didn’t e’em think you’d give up so quickly. And I know you not returning all them gifts you got. If I were a guest who brought you something nice, I’d be pissed right now.

The following things last longer than your marriage did:

  • That boring ass sex tape (or so I heard. From a friend. O_O)
  • The pain after a papercut
  • A cold sore
  • The aftertaste of diet Coke

As if you weren’t already trilfing. Then I saw this tweet:

Well DAMB.

Your level of triflingness is a bit much, even for you. You wonder why you get slandered so much all the time. You give us no other choice but to give you perpetual side-eyes.  Maybe if you went and got a discernible talent, you wouldn’t resort to foolishness like this to get attention and remain relevant. Go learn a skill or a trade. And wearing painted on bandage dresses to show off the ass you may or may not have bought is neither. Also, talking with the voice of a 5-year old is also not a talent. In fact, just stop that altogether because it’s not cute. You’re too grown to sound like my little niece. Even Paris Hilton dropped that raggelly baby voice she used to use.

In all of this though, I put some blame on your mama. All I want for Christmas is that one day, Kris Jenner, will stop pimping you and your siblings out in the name of brand management. And for y’all to get off her teat and go do your own thing. I think Khloe will be the first one to chuck her the deuces. I like Khloe the best. The rest of y’all? NAWL.

Anywho, your attention whoredom is showing. Kindly tuck it in, Kim!









TMZ got a copy of the divorce papers Kim filed today. They be on it!

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47 Comments

  1. October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm — Reply

    Let me say that Khloe called it! And Kimmy has business sense but what she’s selling, don’t no body know!

    And Kris definitely did not “curl alla way ovah.” He just looked so happy to be doing SOMETHING. Did anyone see that awkward hug btwn him and Rob on the wedding day? Not that I watched the show.

    Kim, it’s ok to be 31 and not married. Slow your roll, girl.

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm — Reply

      Kim has been engaged like 5 times at this point. Married twice. She needs to sat and be by herself for 1 second. DAMB!

  2. bronxgirl1
    October 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm — Reply

    Welp! I guess since she can no longer get attention from being married, she will just have to get inseminated and give birth to multiple babies from different nationalities.

    I am sorry but I hate Kim and I wish we could just stop hearing about her. Luvvie, I say that we use your site to start a petition to put Kim and her family in a time capsule that we can launch into orbit. Naturally, we will add a clause in the petition which states that they can’t return to earth unless they are coming back as space junk to be dropped in an undisclosed location.

    • October 31, 2011 at 7:58 pm — Reply

      Why you wanna pollute space further? The ozone layer is already messed up.

      But I’d watch that launch if it happened, tho. Munching on popcorn, jujubes and a diet coke.

      Kris Jenner, Pimp of the Millenium! She needs that cup chalice thingy that only the best pimps have.

      • November 1, 2011 at 2:17 pm — Reply

        She sho’ll do. Bishop Dan Juan an’ em need tips from Mama Kardashian.

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:26 pm — Reply

      That is the one thing she hasn’t tried. I hope her ass doesn’t get pregnant soon on some “wow guys. im gonna be a mummy. sooooo you wanna watch the birth?” She’s tacky enough to do it too. LMAOO @ launching them into space. Can we keep Khloe here though?

  3. Nonya
    October 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm — Reply

    But it whadneva a real marriage to begin with tho’. I think it was all planned, from whom to date, when to get hitched, right down to when to file divorce.

    Give a trashy vajayjay (Kim) a few inches of d*ck on camera, & she’ll try to vaccuum in an entire country into her black hole o’ bullshit!

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm — Reply

      It WAS all planned! E! even found Kris for her. SMH

    • Nonya
      November 1, 2011 at 11:57 pm — Reply

      Yep, when read about them scouting out men for her, I was surprised, but didn’t think it’d be show over in 72days. But now I figure Kris probably just pretending to be shocked/hurt as well.

      Only way he can redeem himself & not look like such a dummy would be if he got a good ass lawyer, challenged that prenup and make her *pay! That’ll teach her, LOL.

  4. Serenity
    October 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm — Reply

    Not that I need to say this… but folks need to stop supporting this foolishness. If folks boycott her and the rest of the clan then they can’t continue because they have no talent

    • Lilly
      October 31, 2011 at 4:49 pm — Reply

      I agree. Lets gets this $%$%^ excuse of a woman of camera..

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm — Reply

      We need a Kardashian TV ban.

  5. Kina
    October 31, 2011 at 2:51 pm — Reply

    So this woman can get married for a total of 72 days for some damn publicity but Gay’s and Lesbians are not allowed to get married even if they love each other? Pure ratchedness!

    • AS
      October 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm — Reply

      That’s exactly what I was saying. These two old ladies who have been together for more than 20 years wanted to get married and got arrested for applying for a marriage license, but Kim can be a stunt queen bride and get paid to do it! It’s a huge slap in the face to people who just want hospital and inheritance rights to see these celebrities getting paid for sham marriages when they get treated like second class citizens. I want all of these “sanctity of marriage” mouth breathers to push for legislation forcing people to be married for life/limiting a person to one marriage per living spouse OR to eat some Shut The Hell Up Cereal and take a nap.

      • November 1, 2011 at 2:19 pm — Reply

        And that’s a shame. a REAL shame. Folks keep saying gay marriage will ruin the institution. Meanwhile, attention whores of the utmost level are already doing that. Backwards ass system.

    • keisha brown
      October 31, 2011 at 7:37 pm — Reply

      +1000000000000000000000000000000
      i cannot co-sign this enough.
      as a wedding planner, she made a mockery of the entire industry AND the institution (as decimated as it is) of marriage.
      ugh.

      • November 1, 2011 at 2:18 pm — Reply

        She sure did make a mockery of any sanctity e’em related to marriage. Her ass shoulda just thrown a party if she wanted instead of weaving vows into it.

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm — Reply

      Right. WTF society????

      • Kina
        November 3, 2011 at 1:10 pm — Reply

        EXACTLY

  6. naturalista88
    October 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm — Reply

    Well damn, thought they would last @ least 6 months.

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm — Reply

      We all thought she’d keep up appearances for like 6 months. Who’da thunk it? She musta cashed the last check E! sent her for the wedding.

  7. October 31, 2011 at 4:31 pm — Reply

    This chick and THIS family is just flucking nuts! Dont make no damn sense! smh

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm — Reply

      They do the most.

  8. Dee
    October 31, 2011 at 6:09 pm — Reply

    I was hoping you’d written her a letter; I logged on today just to check!

    To say I’m disgusted would be to imply that I thought it was real in the first place.

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:20 pm — Reply

      Yes indeed! I had to write her a letter for being so damb ridiculous.

  9. AS
    October 31, 2011 at 6:22 pm — Reply

    Well, we all knew this was coming. The only thing about this about which I would be surprised is if Kris actually didn’t see this coming. I had him pegged as a little dim, but not flat EEG stupid!

    I’m mad at Kim because I had money that her marriage would last at least one season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I can’t hate on Kim because she made $18 million for 72 days of work. By my calculations, that means she earned $10,358.82 per hour to be married to a doofus. Kim has a pre-nup, she’s demanding he pay for his own lawyers, and he’s in no position to demand spousal support. He might try a tell-all, but Kris Jenner’s pimp hand is skrong so maybe no one will buy it. As Mr. Knowles told us, you can’t knock the hustle!

    I saw these two old ladies who wanted to get married because after 20 damn years of being together, they wanted their rights. They had THEIR receipts and got denied, but Kim can be married twice by the age of 31 for 72 days. How come these “sanctity of marriage” types aren’t jumping on made for television marriages by celebrities hustling for relevance and coins? Oh, I think I got it: Legislating grown folks’ business is for when it’s gay people. Until there’s a ban on divorce, these basic-ass hypocrites can rent out the Staples Center and have courtside seats.

  10. October 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm — Reply

    That hand is skronger than skrong! hee hee!

  11. November 1, 2011 at 1:29 am — Reply

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But that picture is so romantic and loving and in no way forced. He totally doesn’t have the ‘don’t shortchange me on my cut if the E! royalties’ look on his face. *cries* :-(

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:16 pm — Reply

      E! entertainment should be slightly embarrassed that they orchestrated this whole thing for views. It’s like the Truman Show, except Truman was in on it the whole time.

  12. November 1, 2011 at 8:46 am — Reply

    I mean 72 days though? 72 gahtdamb days?! Folks got new jobs that won’t let you have health insurance til you been committed for at least 90 days!! This sham of a marriage wouldn’t have eeeem passed the corporate sniff test.

    Khloe did call it and while I was uncomfortable as a mug watchin her question him, I knew it had to be done. Somebody didn’t tell Khloe it was for pretend. & poor Kris he shouldve made Kim tatt his name on her so he know it’s real. LMAO.

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:16 pm — Reply

      LMAOOO!! Right! She couldn’t e’em have benefits if this was a new job. Khloe be telling truths for real.

  13. November 1, 2011 at 9:48 am — Reply

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOO WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! *wall slide with runny mascara*

    Honestly – I said from the jump it wasn’t real. She didn’t have that *look* when she was gazing at him like she had when she was gazing at…oh, I don’t know…REGGIE BUSH! He seemed to be the only one in it to win it. Him and his family.

    Think about it:

    1. The 2 million dollar engagement ring was one she already had from earlier pictures. Kris didn’t make 2 million after taxes his whole time in the NBA.

    2. He was totally clueless about who she was. You couldn’t act that clueless. He was shocked she was married before (did he NOT ever have internet access?). WHAAAA….? O__o I cannot believe none of his teammates never told him about Ray J or anything else.

    3. He was already cast as this outsider doofus who was made fun of by her sisters and his family was almost never mentioned. Almost as if he was born in a pod or something.

    4. Even on the wedding day, the Kardashians were treated like royalty, and yet, Kris’ family was left figuring out how they were going to get to the wedding. Kim’s mom’s reaction – Oooopps? Did I do that?

    5. For every picture publicized of Kris and Kim, there were 85 pictures of just Kim, or Kim and her sisters or Kim and her momma ‘n ‘em. How many pictures of Kris’ family? I think maybe 7. How many people knew his sister was a bridesmaid? And when she took a pic with them, she was placed on the end like an afterthought.

    Nothing is cute about this whole situation. Kim wanted a multi-million dollar wedding, and she wanted to be treated like a fairytale princess. E! provided the platform and her momma was the conductor. I wonder how they will treat the “divorce”. They are already setting Kris up as a desperate loser. Poor doofus guy…

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm — Reply

      ALL OF THE POINTS!!! Yes, you hit all the nails on the head. I don’t think anyone is surprised but I guess we expected her to keep the charade going for longer than 72 days. She’s become as ridiculous as she can and it’s a doggone shame. For real. And Kris IS a doofus.

      • November 1, 2011 at 2:25 pm — Reply

        Even if he did make more, why for he gonna spend 2 mill on an engagement ring? You hear about him crying about couple hundred thousand he lost in an investment scam from one of the wedding guests?

        Worst. Wedding. Guest. Ever.

    • Mimi
      November 11, 2011 at 8:13 pm — Reply

      Today, on a media website, it reported that her former publicist had put Kim out on blast. He was her publicist for two years (from 2007 until 2009). He was interviewed for a show on a radio station, I believe this morning or yesterday. He stated that Kim (as well as himself) had fabricated some stories and “leaked” them to the media: for example, the rumor that Kim and Reggie were engaged. He also stated that once Reggie had found out about it, he ended the relationship. Also in the interview, her former publicist alluded that she was most likely the one who issued out that sex tape. He said that one) he was hired by Kim, on the exact day that the news broke out that there was a sex tape. and two) her reaction to that bit of news also made him think that she was the one who released it.

  14. Sha Sha
    November 1, 2011 at 10:10 am — Reply

    She thought Reggie was going to come running in to stop the wedding and oops!!, it didn’t happen. Now she has to come up with “make Reggie jealous Plan E”. Somebody please make her go away!

    • November 1, 2011 at 12:33 pm — Reply

      Right, Like he was gonna pull a Dwayne Wayne on her ass, BABY PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!!

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:14 pm — Reply

      Reggie Bush is probably like “WHEW! I dodged a bullet there!”

      • November 1, 2011 at 2:27 pm — Reply

        He did a Matrix move dodging THAT bullet because Kim was definitely aiming for him!

  15. November 1, 2011 at 10:18 am — Reply

    The whole situation is pretty pathetic. I hope Kim takes some time away from the public eye and does a some self-reflection.

    She has to learn that her career is not her man…and real love, and life experiences come from people, not houses, not cars, not 600-thread count comforters.

    • November 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm — Reply

      She really needs to go reassess her life. She’s not doing something right. Yes she’s making $$$ but she can’t be content with all of this.

  16. November 1, 2011 at 3:31 pm — Reply

    this is abysmal! I normally just read on the sidelines Luvvie but I just had to come out and comment on this.

    WHAT?!! If this is true, (I say this because a part of me really wants to believe that nobody can be this callous), Kim Kardashian needs to know that she has just given up the possibility of EVER been taken seriously ever again as well as the possibility of ever having a real marriage in future because no man in his right mind should step in Kris’s shoes.

    I try not to be judgemental and not to knock anybody’s hustle but THIS, this is shameful, period!

    • November 1, 2011 at 4:22 pm — Reply

      Right. I am appalled that she did all this as a stunt. I be hating on folks sometimes but on this one? I’m straight up in SUPER hate mode.

  17. November 3, 2011 at 9:27 am — Reply

    ..and despite all of this..some negro of ambigious or obvious racial characteristics is gonna fall for the ass…and we are gonna have the makings of another wedding all over again. It’s the ass. The ass has it..the ass is like a hyponotists’ watch. Ass wins everytime. I dont get why hoes like this STAY winning. Trust and believe…this marriage will be NOTHING…and some other black muthafugger will fall for the ASS!

    • Mimi
      November 11, 2011 at 8:16 pm — Reply

      I’m glad that I am not the only person who notices that ish.
      And I notice that she dates men who are a few years younger than her. I wonder if that ish is intentional.

  18. Olivia Olivia
    September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm — Reply

    I don’t have any problem with Kim because whatever it is she’s selling, people are buying it! I enjoy the show so the more crazy antics her and her family get up to the better viewing it makes. I even don’t care that she had a fake marriage (if the sources are to be believed) because as an atheist none of that religious stuff means anything to me. But what I can NOT condone, not now and not ever, no matter how much I like Kim is how if you were going to have a (allegedly) fake marriage, you would allow it to be to that vile, rude pig: Kris Humphries. His looks and personality belong in only one place and that’s Easter Island. I never saw a more irritating, annoying, RUDE, selfish not to mention homophobic person anywhere on this earth in my entire life and here’s to hoping I never do. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I don’t even find him remotely attractive! And after Reggie Bush, well, really?

  19. Olivia Olivia
    September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm — Reply

    I wonder if anyone can help me out here, why do black women get so upset about black men dating non-black women? For example I am mixed asian and caucasian and when I see a fellow country person with a black partner my interest is not piqued at all except that the idea of them having pretty kids may briefly cross my mind. If someone in my family or of my race made a crude comment about people that are attracted to black people I would be openly disgusted and disassociate myself from that person. However it seems that in black society it is ok to talk crudely about men/women of other races for dating black people and more so to abuse fellow black people for dating outside the race. These comments are made openly and most people laugh about it and promote it, it would seem few are embarrassed or ashamed by this. I would genuinely like to know why this is and would appreciate feedback from this who indulge in this kind of carefree racism.

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