The other night on Twitter, I saw folks slandering Jennifer Aniston heavily and wondered why. They informed me that in a list that Men’s Health Magazine released, rating the Hottest Women of All Time, Jennifer Aniston was listed as #1. I asked for a link to it and what met me was a terrible list. It was clearly picked out by people who had NO idea what sexy looks like. Were they the Duggars??? Anyway, I need to write Men’s Health Magazine a sternly-worded letter for their foolishness.
Dear Men’s Health Magazine,
What the hell??? Seriously. This list of your is atrocious. It’s so bad that I kinda wanna ask the government to close you down. I’m even willing to start a petition. First of all, naming Jennifer Aniston the hottest chick of all time is like saying Kool-Aid is the healthiest drink one can have. No shade to Ms. Aniston (which guarantees that this will be full of shade) but she isn’t even the sexiest white chick named Jennifer who was on TV, let alone of all the chicks on EARTH. I think Jennifer is cute so I won’t e’em snatch her wig like others did. I’ma let her cook because her face doesn’t make me frown. But #1? NAWL, B.
But the list said she got there because she’s funny. If that was really the criteria, then someone like Tina Fey would be there. So I don’t understand.
As if that wasn’t ridiculous enough, the rest of the list is even worse. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it’s subjective but your editors’ eyes musta been poked out. I went through the list from 100 to 1 and here are some of my strongest reactions and WTF moments:
* Tina Turner is #99?!?!?! *reports MensHealth Magazine as a virus* I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! So I’ma sit. \___. Tina??? Of the legs that are insured for millions of dollars?? Of the sequined minidresses?? She’s BARELY on your sexiest list? Who smoked too much before these rankings? Point them out!
* Julia Roberts is #95?? Pretty woman?? REALLY? Oh ok. So I HOPE 94 people on this list are way hotter than she is.
* Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly are ranked in the 80s. And Dorothy Dandridge is #88??? This list is LOSING.
* Elizabeth Taylor is #69??? She’s one of the sexiest women EVER. Men fell at her feet ALL HER LIFE. SHE HAD VIOLET EYES, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! I don’t understand how she’d be this low on this list.
* Alicia Silverstone is #66. She got about as much sexual charisma as this pic I just used to get meat out my teeth. I don’t e’em…
* Nicole Schee’fk’egeprgkerpgke of the Pussy Cat Dolls is higher on this list (#65) than Liz Taylor & Tina Turner. This is why we can’t have nice things. Ever.
* Pam Grier is #57. YALL BETTER #PAYCORRECTAMISH to Foxy Brown! I can’t. My blood pressure is sky high. My light bill gon be through the roof!
* Sophia Loren is #47. GTFOH. She should be higher on this list. Sphia SLAYS. That woman is FAHN, even in old age.
* Wait. WAYMENT!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!! Paris Hilton is #46. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Why is she even on this list AT ALL???
* Cindy Crawford is #39. She should be in the top 20. This isn’t up for debate. #SHEFAHN
* Halle Berry is #35. Folks are out here losing. HALLEH BERREH IS TOP 10! I have an attitude. (-__-)
* Beyonce is #33. *goes to sit on Men’s Health Magazine’s lawn* THEY WILL NOT!! Come on! Bey should be top 20. This makes no sense!
* Cameron Diaz is #24. She’s bout as sexy as a plain bagel. But aight. This list is clearly null & ALLAWAY void.
* Angelina Jolie is #10. I guess… y’all must not have wanted to put her too close to Jennifer. We know how J is still salty that she took Brad Pitt. SIX YEARS AGO.
* Madonna is #5. But she looks like a crypt keeper. Aight. (-___-)
* And Jennifer Aniston is #1, which is higher than Marilyn Monroe at #3. Jennifer doesn’t even have a dress that she’s made iconic. She DID have “The Rachael” haircut but no one has tried to replicate that since 1997.
Where is: Iman, Naomi Campbell, Diahann Carroll, Eartha Kitt, Beverly Johnson on this list??? ALL of them are stunning. Tyra Banks made it (#63), as she should have but these other icons should be there. And I ain’t gon be the one to say it. So I’ma say it. Not ONE colored person in the top 10? Now y’all KNOW… where’s Jesse and Al? But not only that, Charlize Theron is nowhere on this list. HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HER??? She’s stunning! And Topanga and her luxurious thick coif?
I WILL NOT LET YOU COOK, MEN’S HEALTH MAGAZINE!!! This list is about as accurate as Dubya was about those weapons of mass destruction. I need y’all to show some receipts on how this list was created. The raggelly ranking is soooo off the charts wack that I wish all your advertisers would give you the side-eye til you make it make sense! This list is rubbish.
Yours in Protest,
Did you see the list? Whatcha think? Who do you think did this ranking?