Dear Common and Drake, No One Cares About Your Beef
I heard that Common and Drake had some rap beef going on, and word on the street is that it’s over Serena Williams. They’ve earned this week’s sternly-worded letter.
Dear Common and Drake,
Hey Lonnie. Hey Aubrey. I wanted to sit you both down to let you know that don’t nobody give a damb about y’alls beef and diss records. Not one person. For real.
Listen, I might could enjoy a rap beef if it was between 2 rappers who were thugs, or who could at least scare a toddler. But you two? Y’all are about as intimidating as a pink lace underskirt, and any beef between you should be squashed. Besides, ain’t y’all vegetarians anyway? Psht.. I don’t know.
I know this is over Serena Williams, a woman who has ran through both of you and clearly isn’t e’em worried about either of you anymore. Why does n’t she just pick each one of you up and throw you at each other for shits & giggles? I really wish she would. Either way, Serena and her donk of glory ain’t thinking bout y’all.
Besides, don’t you have better things to do? Common, you should be somewhere tryna get your cool back. We still haven’t forgotten how Erykah Badu had you walking around in crocheted kufis, cowrie shells and tie-dyed pants. WE AIN’T FORGOT. And Drake, you should be somewhere ironing your forehead and learning a flow that doesn’t sound like a sleepy kitten’s. And you’re still Wheelchair Jimmy to a lot of us. I am pretty damb sure both of you could be working on other things, instead of diss records.
Y’all need to stick to telling us women how amazing we are and pining for our love. I don’t think you’re “soft” but I do wanna cuddle and spoon when I hear both of your music. I’m just saying…
Also, COME ON, COMMON!!! You’re the adult here. You’re pushing 40 and you’re making diss records about a dude who was like 2 when you got in the business. It’s like an 8-grader tryna talk smack to a preschooler. Don’t be that guy. Besides, I need you to get back to the level of awesome you were at when you came out with Like Water for Chocolate. I need another song like Song for Assata from you, not a diss record about a corny Canadian rapper who makes me wanna nap when I see him.
Ennehweighs, I want y’all to squash this. Not because I want you to take some high moral ground but because your beef is boring and there are other things I’d rather spend my time on. Like:
* Watching Tom & Jerry sip tea gingerly on their porch than see that.
* Watching a marathon of a British comedy that isn’t “The Office”
* Memorizing all 32 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet”
* Signing on to MySpace
* Using AOL dialup
Yes. I would rather do ALL of those than give extra dambs about y’alls raggelly beef. So, I ask that you both please take a couple of seats. And put your feet up. And direct your energy towards writing more rhymes that are white folks safe and conscious. Thank you.
Yours in Fresh Out of GIBBADAMB,
Soooo am I wrong? Do some of you care or do you also want Lonnie and Aubrey to go sit?