According to TMZ, Kobe Bryant‘s divorce is finalized and he lost more than one. He lost so hard, Google Maps and the map that guides Dora the Explorer couldn’t help him. Vanessa Bryant is walking away with half of Kobe’s assets, worth $75 million, including their three mansions. Kobe’s bank account got Adebisi’ed with NO lube, and I’m not even feeling bad for him. Besides that fact that he’s still rich with the rest of his $75 million, Vanessa has earned the right to take him for half of what he’s worth. However, many people don’t feel the same. Folks (mostly men) are MAD at Vanessa Bryant. And I’m wondering why. I know she’s never shot a basketball before but she has earned this money by sticking through Kobe’s crap.
First of all, people (one again, they’re mostly men) are calling Vanessa Bryant a golddigger. I don’t know Vanessa’s life now or before she took Kobe’s last name but if she was a golddigger, she has put in WORK. She’s been married to the man for 10 years, and according to the state of California, that earns her half of Kobe’s riches. I don’t care if she made sure to wait til 10 years and 1 day. She’s still legally allowed to CLEAN UP. Vanessa is Kobe’s wife and the mother of his 2 daughters. Doesn’t the golddigger label fall by the wayside at one point?
Either way, they didn’t have a prenup, so Kobe left himself really unprotected (clearly in more than 1 way but I’ll get to that later). There’s no reason for folks to be mad at Vanessa for taking him for half of his wealth. NONE.
In fact, let me use this opportunity to address the men who are somewhere talmbout “This is why I’ont wanna get married.” I want them to remember that they don’t have assets. Yes, Kobe Bryant’s wife got half of his riches. But you don’t have half of anything to get. And like I said before, half of zero is still zero, sirs. It’s always the people who don’t have a pot to piss in, a window to throw it out of, or e’em a simple bus pass talmbout golddiggers when they don’t have the right. “Women always tryna come for what their men work for.” Sir, your net worth looks like the national deficit. You need to #OccupyASeat. Here’s one —> \__
If your net worth looks like the temperature of Antarctica, there should be no reason for you to be talmbout golddiggers. You don’t have any gold to dig because you’re worth TIN. Sit this conversation out and stay in your lane. “RENT EM SPOONS” is your big business idea and you talmbout “I can’t have a woman try to come for half.” Go somewhere and slap yourself. “HELL YEAH I’MA MAKE A WOMAN SIGN A PRENUP!” Trust me. I want NO parts of your collection of FUBU t-shirts. Keep that to yourself. (-_-) Every time I see some regular dude get all in his feelings about some celebrity’s divorce settlement, I just wanna do this:
Golddiggers do exist but they’re not some type of bug infestation. Most men worried about them don’t have cause to when they’re worth LINT. The ones who are butthurt on Kobe’s behalf are extrapolating his situation to theirs when they have no reason to. They’re mad at Vanessa and calling her a golddigger because they have delusions of grandeur that some woman might wanna put them in the poor house (which they don’t realize they’re already in). Meanwhile, their credit score looks like someone’s weight and they want a prenup. WOMPINGTON! Just… No. Anyway, lemme leave these these men alone. Like future earning power did. (-__-)
Back to the matter at hand. Another reason why I’m really not mad at Vanessa Bryant for taking Kobe’s coins is because he had the nerve to stick his peen into any Love Pocket in his path. Word on the street is that Kobe cheated with over 100 women. ONE HUNNID LOVE POCKETS BESIDES HIS WIFE’S! *counts 5 multiples by 3 divides by 2 times a 100.* That is 100 women too many! And we won’t even talk about his rape trial. WE WILL NOT!
If a man cheats on me (especially with no protection) and we’ve taken a vow before God and my Naija family (who got clothes custom made for the occasion), I’ll take him for EVERYTHING he owns. Even his socks will be mine. And his favorite basketball shorts that he wears to bed. EVER-REE-THANG. Herpes, AIDS, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea. They are ALL real and let’s be honest. I’m sure Kobe didn’t make it a habit of wrapping up before doing all this hoshit. He wasn’t just being a dog, but he was disregarding Vanessa’s health. putting Vanessa’s life in danger. And science AND math say it’s highly probable that it burned when Kobe peed at least once in these 10 years of infidelity.
So that $75 million that Vanessa’s getting? Let’s call it even for Kobe playing the whacking game with his junior like he was single. Needless to say, I fully support Vanessa Bryant’s settlement. That’s the least Kobe could have given her (and I’m really afraid of the other “gifts” he might have given her). VANESSA, GETCHO MONIES ON GIRL!
Meanwhile, I wonder what Kobe’s doing now that he’s half as rich. He’s probably somewhere listening to Drake songs. But that brother’s gon be just fine. He’s still sitting on $75 million. He’s far from poor. Besides, it even looks like Kobe didn’t try to contest this settlement, which means Vanessa must have more dirt on him than a New Jersey beach.
The moral of this story is:
Getchu a prenup if you’re rich. Keep your peen in your pants. Divorce before year 10. ACT RIGHT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED! It’s cheaper to keep her (happy).
I ain’t got time. But like I said. Fellas. We don’t want half your XBOX or your collection of wheat timbs. This doesn’t apply to you.
My peoples, how do y’all feel? Are you mad at Vanessa or do you think Kobe deserves it all? Tell a G.
P.S. Feel free to drop a link of this post under the many butthurt Facebook statuses you see about this settlement. I’ve seen many already.
Category: Famous folks