The Golden Globe Awards was the usual formal 3-hour thing but this year, it didn’t bore me to pieces. Maybe because the liquor was flowing and people were guzzling champagne. It certainly made for a spirited show (well as spirited as you can get on NBC primetime). So I’m here to ask questions about it. And none of them really have to do with who won what. I’m here to talk about the outfits, the fun people and the shade. You know, the important things.
Oh, by the way, I missed the first 20 minutes of the show because my extended blink (read: nap) ran longer than I planned.
* Why was Rob Lowe‘s skin looking extra leathery? All that tanning, sir.
* Is it ever NOT awkward when that “You gotta go!” music starts playing when people are accepting their awards? The answer is no.
* I love Melissa McCarthy but did they have to put her in a muu-muu? They stay putting plus-size women in tents!
* Jimmy Fallon has been eating good, huh? That NBC money will do that to you!
* Why do Madonna‘s arms look like muscular baby legs? I was so perturbed by them.
* Did y’ all see Sir Elton John‘s shade face when Madonna was called by Ricky Gervais? I love that Queen! He ain’t there for Madonna and the shade he threw made them find more lamps to lighten up the room with.
* Why is Idris Elba so FAHN all his life??? Got on that stage wearing a double-breasted tuxedo that looked like God’s seamstress put him in it! YESSSS IDRISSA! *leyomi drops*
* Why do I feel like Angelina Jolie sucked the life out of Brad Pitt? In every way. He always looks so tired and rundown now. Well, their gaggle of kids probably run him ragged too.
* Why did Michelle Williams look so adorabo? Her #alphet worked for her and the Twiggy haircut was so cute!
* Why did Ricky Gervais have a different drink in his hand every time he came on stgae? That Globes Open Bar musta been TOO nice! Ricky was lit!
* Why do I love Tina Fey and Jane Lynch so much? Them presenting together was hilarious!
* And why is Tina so doggone funny??? Check out her photobombing Amy Poehler when they called her for being nominated.
* Why was I so happy to see Octavia Spencer win the Golden Globe award for “Best Supporting Actress” in The Help? I liked that movie! And she looked beautiful. The dress she had on complemented her well too!
* Why did I see Sidney Poitier on that stage and almost lose my mind? Yall better GIVE THAT LEGEND A STANDING OVATION! And he was giving the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award to Morgan Freeman? I feel like God is somewhere like “YOU SEE MY HOMIES???”
Morgan was over there looking like he holds the key of life and has all the answers to our questions. One legend honoring another. Listening to Sidney Poitier speak is like live cinema. He should narrate the new testament because that diction is impeccable! But how amazing is Morgan Freeman’s film career? What he has done, be a Black man in Hollywood with a career that is half a century long, is AWESOME.
“If you do what you love, then you’ll never work a day in your life. If that’s true, then I haven’t worked in the past 45 yrs.” – Morgan Freeman
* If Morgan Freeman and Sidney Poitier starred in a movie together, would it end with book of Revelations? Those two are in a league of their own and it’s really inspiring.
* Why is Helen Mirren so beautiful??? She’s older than everything but still looks fierce! I love it. And that accent? Glory.
* Why was Sophia Vergara talking like she just got done doing something unholy? She was all breathless and whatnot. I like her though. I don’t even mind that she’s a caricature of a spicy Latina.
* Who told Jessica Biel to rock a onesie with her granny’s lace curtains over it and step out the house? I was not impressed.
* Why do I love Queen Latifah so much? She stays fierce on these awards! Her stylists be having her looking like a tall glass of chocolate milk without lactose. WERK, KING LATIFAH!
* Who is gonna show me some receipts that Tilda Swinson is not a ghost? Someone’s gotta show her shaking a hand or something. She always freaks me out. Looking like she belongs in “The Others.”
* Do people still have hope of winning an award when they go against Meryl Streep? I wanted Viola Davis to win but I’m not surprised. Meryl is a BEAST in this acting game so I’m not e’em mad.
* Why did Meryl get on that stage to make her acceptance speech and take her GOOD time? She was up there for way longer than other winners were allowed. She was all “I won. EFF YALL! Lemme tell you bout when I was 5…” She was up there telling stories bout the time she went to the grocery store. “You gotta go” music be dambed. Meryl gave no dambs AT ALL.
* Why was Jane Fonda onstage looking all nice and fierce? And she had on the dress Jessica Biel shoulda worn. WERK.
* How does George Clooney stay so fine??? And who was surprised he won? Not nobody. Yes, I used a double negative and you will deal.
Anywho, that is all. Did y’all watch the Golden Globe awards? What did you think?