Dear Eddie Long, You’re a King? iRebuke It

[ 65 ] February 2, 2012 |

Yesterday, I was alerted to the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since… well the day before. Let me give you the cliffnotes on what happened.

This past Sunday, some Jewish Rabbi (or so he says) named Ralph Messer went to New Birth Missionary Baptist Church to crown Bishop Eddie Long as “King.” He used some ritual that he said the Jews use, involving what he claims to be this historical Torah Scroll to ordain Long as King. During the random ceremony, he wrapped Eddie and his wig into the Torah and covered him with “the blood of Jesus.” To cap it off, Eddie was made to sit in a chair and carried around the stage for all to behold.

Yes. This happened. And it is even more ridiculous than it sounds when you watch it, which you can below. So, this week’s sternly-worded letter goes to Bishop Eddie Long, he who does not know when to stop. The devil is clearly doing the wop at New Birth.

Dear Eddie Long,

You are not Simba and Ralph Messer is nobody’s Rafiki. You really had people declare you as king and carry your hapless ass around stage in some “Circle of Life” ceremony like a fool. You are a ridicule to any and every person who stands behind a pulpit and your ego is bigger than any sense you might have.

You managed to retain your title as the head of New Birth even after semi sorta maybe kinda admitting guilt in the sexual misconduct case involving 5 young men by settling out of court. Then you arrogantly addressed your congregation using the biggest batch of bullshit and they applauded you and blindly continued to support you. It’s a case of the blind, deaf and mute leading the blind, and it’s truly appalling.

Somehow, some of the has dust settled, but you clearly must love the attention. Now you’ve been crowned king by some diet Rabbi in a bad suit, and paraded around like the heir to a raggelly throne only you and him know about. That random ritual that has no basis in Judaism or anything else, according to this Huffington Post piece by a Jewish scholar. Ain’t no receipts to be shown. This was all a farce in the name of honor.

Eddie Long King

Seriously?

Eddie Long, you got the nerve, the balls and the unmitigated gall to position yourself as royalty, especially in the biblical sense. You’re a false prophet who has raised himself to be a false idol and preach false gospel to people looking for truth. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

I just need Jesus to know that I do not support this or your blasphemous ways. “Holy” men like you are why many of us frown on organized religion.In that Bible that you hold so near and dear and say you know so well, doesn’t it make it clear that false idols don’t make God happy? Wasn’t Charlton Heston Moses mad when he saw the Israelites worshipping idols of gold and silver when he came down from the mountain? Shoo… I’m sure the man wanted to take a nap and eat after his trek up that rock but he came back to see his people paying #amish to some steel God and he was NOT PLEASED! You’ve turned yourself into that, and Jesus ain’t gon be happy with that.

Eddie Long Crowned King

Through all of this, the people in your congregation stayed. Not only did they stay, but they stood on their feet and applauded this. No one questioned it and that’s the scary part. You’re not a shepherd or a man of God, but a cult leader. You’re Jim Jones of Jonestown (not the rapper) with extra melanin, a suit with many buttons, and a bad wig. You’ve created a community of brain-washed people who seem to have forgotten that they’re not actually supposed to be worshipping you. Basically, you’ve turned New Birth into your own Jonestown, and your poison of choice is idolatry.

My only KING is Christ, and He got hair of wool. Your hairhat, meanwhile, seems to be made of dust bunnies dyed black, and placed on your dome lackadaisically. Or those silver pot scrubbers dipped in tar. That wig is just A MESS! When you put it on, did you actually think it looked good? I’m sure you did. You seem to live in a fantasy world where you actually think you deserve worship and glorification. So of course, your wig is busted and you’re not aware of it.

Sir, you’re knee-deep in hypocrisy and shoulder-deep in proverbial self-fellating. I’d love if you’d get your head out your own yansh. Both you and that Ralph Messer character need to be dropkicked through the goalposts of logic. The only kind of king you are is the king of crooks and possibly king of older men with bad toupées. Besides that, NAWL!

Seriously. Shame on you Eddie Long. You’re great proof of everything that’s wrong with the church and you’re a gahtdamb disgrace.

Luvvie

Did y’all watch the video? Whatchu think?

Edit: Just read THIS ARTICLE saying that Ralph Messer isn’t even Jewish. As if this wasn’t already a huge mess. Messer is messy.


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  1. 7 Things My Grown Ass Has Learned This Year « From Ashy to Classy | February 17, 2012
  1. Patrice says:

    that whole clip is a hot mess and I can’t believed the church when along with it….

  2. I agree. I’m upset more than anything that Eddie hasn’t taken a seat in the many many seats/pews/lawn chairs we the people have sat out. I’m not judging. I’d never do that (openly) but earnestly and sincerely I really wish he would go far…far…away.

  3. Ms. Williams says:

    Jesus take the wheel and steer me away from this mess….smh. Fraudulent, sinful, misleading king is more like it. I can’t believe they’d wrap him in such a sacred work.

    I mean um….wow. That’s all I’m gonna say. :|

  4. king eddie long. false prophet & egomaniacal ruler of naught.

    • ladyscellz says:

      ok…..WTF WAS THAT BS?! im mad i watched it now….that was the biggest crock of ish i ever did see!!! i know that i too have sinned and fell short of the glory of God but uh….this guy?! he deserves everything coming to him…unless of course he repents and make it right. smmfh!!

    • Luvvie says:

      Basically. BTW, love your work, sir! I’ve been reading your site for years.

  5. mochazina says:

    amen.

  6. Renisha J. says:

    *sigh*

    I am deeply disturbed by this ridiculous display of foolishness. To me, no one can be crowned King of anything except Jesus Christ himself. For this “Rabbi” to take over and force Eddie Long’s congregation to partake in this coronation is inconsiderate and ignorant. But I will say this… (and this is NOT in defense of Eddie Long whatsoever) if you pay attention to his body language, facial expressions and just overall demeanor, Eddie Long was extremely uncomfortable with the whole ordeal. You could see it in his eyes. He didn’t see it coming at all. I’m sure the rabbi guy didn’t tell Eddie Long that he was going to crown him king before the service. To me, it seemed to start out as “educational”. Teaching the congregation about these aspects of the Jewish roots in Christianity, then it turned into nonsense.

    Eddie Long is broken, confused man at the end of his rope. The people in his congregation don’t know any better and were also subjected to this foolishness. I feel absolutely sorry for him and the folks still following him. They’re lost.

    • Marsha S. Haneiph says:

      My Pastor doesn’t even like to get gifts for his anniversary on the platform because it takes away from the service and nobody can ‘do’ anything to him like that. Mr. Long should have known better. He’s supposed to be in charge.

      • Luvvie says:

        THANK YOU, MARSHA!!! That is recognition of the fact that he’s not to be worshipped. Eddie should know better. But he should also know not to make sexual advances at little boys so… YEAH I SAID IT!

    • Luvvie says:

      Hmmm… I don’t know, man. I can’t say I believe that Eddie didn’t know anything about this. I HIGHLY doubt that people would be standing on his stage holding a huge thing in velvet casing and he won’t inquire as to why it’s there. I also highly doubt that “rabbi” dude would just spring this on Eddie. HIGHLY. TRULY. HE didn’t even go “This is a surprise to Bishop Long.” Nawl, G. I won’t accept that.

      What you saw as him looking uncomfortable is what I saw as fake humility. And yes, the people of that church need prayer. They need something because what they’re giving praises to the wrong person.

      • RozB says:

        What I saw was a man who was afraid the three big dudes carrying his ass in that chair was going to slip in the oil from his oily yarmulke-shaped toupee and drop him out that chair.

        When he “emerged” from the scrolls trying to muster up a humble look, I wanted to just punch him and that fake rabbi in the thoat – yes, thoat.

      • Brandi says:

        I also tried to legitimatize the argument that maybe he knew nothing of this. However, even if he didn’t know anything about it in advance, anybody who disagreed to being seen or lifted up as a king would have stopped it right then and there and said, “In my church, only God is King”… PERIOD! I’ve heard of numerous pastors who disagree with “tithing lines” and have stopped guest ministers in their tracks for trying to form one in their churches… it’s the same principle; you don’t allow “guests” to do something in your church if you disagree with it… you put a stop to it. I usually try not to speak about preachers because it’s a slippery subject, but if this video is what it appears to be, then it’s a HOTT MESS! God is the only King… of the Church and of the Throne!!

  7. Scorpiona says:

    Even my Jewish friends are giving this the side-eye, and they’re generally VERY accepting; there was no fallout when I began dating a German, but THIS … we no likey!

  8. Marsha S. Haneiph says:

    I second that they need to be “dropkicked through the goalposts of logic”

  9. Udee says:

    Eywo! Luvvie said yansh! O serious!

  10. NicoleLisa says:

    This letter gave me life!
    It was everything I wanted to say.

    Eddie Long really is trying too hard. I went to that church back in the late 90′s. He had no hair on the top of his head. Where did this New Growth come from? Lol.

  11. Yvonne says:

    At some point, I think I saw the Rev. try to keep a straight face and not chuckle as he was lifted up in the chair…

  12. Tory says:

    I would’ve walked clean up out that mug…bump that, I wouldn’t have even been up in there after that whole scandal with them boys. That is just too much!! The level of inappropriateness that has gone on under his leadership (and I use that term loosely) is absolutely sickening. God is NOT pleased!!

  13. Gray Livin' says:

    Kudos Luvvie, that letter was long overdue. Bishop “Eddie Wrong” needs to go down into the church basement and grab one of them folding chairs and have a seat.

  14. la mala says:

    “The devil is clearly doing the wop at New Birth.”

    iCackled

  15. Anna Renee says:

    This is vile, on so many levels. It’s satanic!! I’m praying that the congregants didn’t know this was going down, and are just being respectful since they’re sitting there.

    I hope that when the thang was over, hundreds more tended their resignations from that hell hole called New Birth! The devil’s lair, his play pen is what that God forsaken place is!!!

    After a while, these deceived “leaders” give themselves away by the depths of their own foolishness. The Emperor has NO CLOTHES!! Even a fool will call this ish foolishness!! SATAN’S henchman! Slave of Satan is what Eddie Long is!

    BASTA YA!!!

  16. ladyscellz says:

    icant/wont.com u r the funniest person i never met i swear! my family cant stand u and neither can the ppl at my job or on public transportation cuz i get to laughing and cant stop

  17. Brett Minor says:

    Our pastor got upset when one of the youth dedicated a song to him during the service. He gently reminded her that everything in the service is to be dedicated to Jesus, not any person.

    He would have stopped this in its tracks if it was happening to him.

  18. MARCELLA says:

    OMG!! ALL I WANNA KNOW IS HOW MUCH DID HE PAY MESSER TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS MESS, NON SENSE. HE TRIED TO 1 UP ON GOD AND THE BATTLE IS ON NOW. JUST AS JESUS CAST SATAN OUT OF HEAVEN FOR TRYING TO RUN THINGS AND BE BIGGER THAN HIM, SO SHALL HE BREAK HIM DOWN. WHAT’S REALLY SCARY IS THAT HE HAS CONVINCED HIMSELF THAT THE MESS HE SPEAKS IS THE GOSPEL TRUTH. WELL HERE’S MY TESTIMONY, YOU’RE A LIE AND THE TRUTH AIN’T IN YA!! YOU’RE JUST AS FAKE AS THAT BAD RUG REMNANT THAT WAS BADLY PLACED ON YOUR SCALP!!! YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!

  19. CaliGirlED says:

    I love this letter! It is filled with both humor and truth, two things that I love! Thank you so much for your comparison to this and Moses coming down from the mountain. I can’t be believe this man nor his congregation. He will definitely be held accountable because he is supposed to be shepherding God’s sheep. But those “sheep” will also be held accountable because we are supposed to study to show ourselves approved. Hell is getting more and more crowded! I pray that these people have time to pray and repent before God calls them for judgement. And don’t get me wrong, we have all sinned and come short, but God is merciful and forgiving to those who believe and worship Him!

  20. Ashley says:

    LOVED your post. So… this scroll is 312 years old, has survived the Holocaust through a miracle, and he uses it to “crown” this chester!

  21. Jaeda Laurez (@DarthJaeda) says:

    now I know our Jewish brethren are not co-signing this mess. That’s what happens when you let University of Phoenix start a yeshiva.

  22. Char says:

    I would have run out of the building for fear of being struck by hellfire and brimstone, lightning, hail and an asteroid the size of Texas. God is not mocked. These fools better get a clue.

  23. Now my Jewish coworkers are going to look at me like “please don’t let her ask me about out ceremonies.” It’s the same look I give them the day after the BET Awards

  24. Jen says:

    I got Jesus on the main line ret now and he say he didn’t approve any of this! Imma need Edward to realize that he’s about as relevant as an 8 track. Just when you think he can’t get anymore asinine………

  25. Krista says:

    As a member of New Birth. Honestly, I’m confused myself. Now, I don’t know about the entire situation, therefore I won’t insult him or say much.

    I’m pretty sure there’s something we’re all missing tho…

    I knew I should have gotten up and taken my ass to church sunday .__. I always miss the good stuff!

    • Now see he looking at these scrolls scratching his toupée like… I don’t know what this says… I don’t know a lick of Hebrew and “Oy vey” does not qualify!

      Now when they are wrapping him in that Torah… I am thinking Lawdt please don’t let him get an ounce of Soul Glow on them parchments… still no flames… welp… somebody likes him up there.. and that so called Rabbi..where is his kippah? Ain’t he praying? hmmmpf…and what is up with that yellow stitching on his suit? I have never seen a Rabbi like him before and I see them all the time!

      This sure is a high dollar production…. I like how is claiming that all the people and land of Israel is so-signing this….smh

  26. RozB says:

    Where did he find a “rabbi” trifling enough to be wearing a Steve Harvey suit?

  27. crlsweetie912 says:

    puts $5 in the offering basket and walks out with one church fanga up.

  28. “My only KING is Christ, and He got hair of wool. Your hairhat, meanwhile, seems to be made of dust bunnies dyed black, and placed on your dome lackadaisically…”

    *faints dramatically and does an Aunt Esther church roll*

    Ya know..I am from ATL..born and raised..and for the LIFE OF ME..I do not understand why folks are supporting him. I got coworkers who go HARD for this man..who would go SOFT at the sight of their dusty bunnies. This was a fiasco if I’ve ever seen one. I’m outraged….I want him to go sit down and act like the disrespectful pedophile he’s known to be.*smh*

  29. ROTFL I was wondering if you saw this foolishness!!! I cannot!!! I would tell him to have a seat but he already has….

  30. Tina Hamiel says:

    I wonder what all of his preacher friends (Bishop Jakes, Myles Monroe, Tudor Bismark) feel about him being made King. It would really be nice to hear them come out against this.

  31. Bria says:

    I’m not a believer but this post was talked about on Twitter so i had to check it out. I’m glad i wasn’t the only one disgusted by this display of fuckery. the Mormons have magical underwear, Eddie has a magical, whimsical set of pot scrubbers sewed into one fictitious hair hat lol

    Great post, Luvvie!

  32. Isys says:

    -_- New Birth: You all are being PUNK’D! This is not hate, judgement or false witness… *holding up right hand* I promise! That’s not how it works, there is only ONE prophet crowned a KING and Eddie Long ain’t Him! I will bypass all of that character stuff associated with the teenage boys scandal and go straight to the fact that you are an object of WORSHIP in your “flocks” eyes and that goes against the WORD. Shame on you and “woe to the shepherd who leads his flock astray…”

  33. KayMac says:

    I saw a parody of this “ceremony” last night, on YouTube…..PLEEEEASE tell me ya’ll have seen it!!!! I swear, I died!!!!!

  34. Moyo says:

    Hey Luvvie, in all fairness…I think Eddie Long looked confused when the whole deal was going on.

    I don’t think he was expecting all of that. It unfolded gradually but quickly (don’t know how that makes sense). Watching the video I was lost myself at where the whole deal was going.
    I’ll say let’s cut him some slack. I think he also released a statement apologizing for all that display.

    Much love!

  35. Samson says:

    It’s interesting a lot of people comment on what they don’t understand. Instead of castigating Eddies or the Rabbi why don’t you just show us the ‘right’ way. Wen will all be ready to learn…

    This is what I have to say, history is happening And it’s happening on our watch. Surely, this is a sign to the nations.

    Thanks

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