TV

I Watched Honey Boo Boo on TLC and It’s Awesomely Ratchet.

I was peer pressured into watching TLC’s newest show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo featuring standout girl Alana from Toddlers and Tiaras and her family. And let me tell you I AM GLAD I  WATCHED!

Let me tell you about Honey Boo Boo. She’s 5 years old and a non-winning pageant queen. As in she’s always a bridesmaid runner-up never a bride winner. Her family lives in Georgia and they take the word “country” to a whole new level.

Honey Boo Boo Family

The Honey Boo Boo Family

Her mama is June and she calls her hubby/boo/baby daddy “Sugar Bear.” June gives so little dambs about couth and Sugar Bear might have a vitamin D deficiency. I’m concerned about him. He looks all jaundiced and pale. They have four girls, and they are Chickadee, Chubbs, Pumpkin and Honey Boo Boo. No these aren’t their gubment names but they’re consistent. Surely, you didn’t expect them to go by stuff like “Jessica” did you?

Since they share just one bathroom, they often wash up by rinsing their hair in the kitchen sink, in lieu of a shower. We found that fun fact out within the first couple of minutes of the show. I can only imagine how unfresh they all smell on that hygiene regimen. Together, they must reek of must, musk, feet, old deodorant and terrible. That’s when I knew I was in for a ratchet 30 minutes. And I was right. And excited.

The ladies of the family then eat a hearty breakfast of generic brand cheeseballs from a clear gallon tub. I don’t know why they live like this but I’m amused and appalled by it at the same. I’m pretty sure they got a tab at WalMart. They’re probably like Norm from “Cheers” when they go in there. HONEY BOO BOOS!!! must come over the loud speaker when they walk in.

Honey Boo Boo likes to use her stomach as a puppet as she talks. And TLC blesses us with subtitles so we can understand her and the rest of her family members. You’d think English wasn’t their first language but it shockingly is.

Honey boo boo chile gif

Anywho, the family is interviewed together and one of them goes “Yes, we’re rednecks.” Some of them disagree. And then they all go to an annual tradition called the “Redneck Games.” What is it? Well June tells us “The redneck games is like the Olympics. Just with a lot of missing teeth.” That is to say that it’s NOTHING like the Olympics. Only thing both events have in common is people sweating. DASSIT. But iHollered though.

Activities at the Redneck Games included bobbing for raw pig feet and mud belly flopping competitions. It was everything I expected to see and then more. There was even a confederate flag, to put it over the top of ridiculous. Just in case you forgot you were in rural Southern Georgia. Chile, iCan’t.

The girls want to join others to swim in a pond after the games but June won’t let them because apparently, it’s a “redneck bathtub” and there might be flesh-eating bacteria. She is a CARING parent, y’all. And then they all go home and snack on cheese balls some more. Oh. O_O This prompts Chubbs to talk about how she wants to go on a diet so they all decide to weigh themselves on the bathroom scale. The results were sad yet hilarious:

Honey Boo Boo weighed 69 lbs. She’s 5.

Chubbs weighed 175 lbs. She’s 15.

June got on the scale and that joint said “ERROR.” GAHTDAMB dawg. She had to try it again before it told her she was 309 lbs.

Their round the clock diet of cheese balls is probably not helping here but I like to state the obvious. Before 5 camera minutes go past, Chubbs is eating cake and Alana tells at her with “YOU ON A DAHT. GIMME DAT FAT KIAKE.” Oh Honey Boo Boo. Always so helpful. O_O

This episode was just an introduction to the family’s dysfunctional ways and I didn’t think I could watch another 30 minutes so soon but my remote control was across the room so laziness made me watch episode 2.

I wasn’t paying attention for most of the 2nd episode but I do know the family got a pet baby pig. They’re so consistently cliché. I appreciate them for that. Also, Chickadee, the oldest daughter of June and Sugar Bear is pregnant. At 17. That was… expected. So #HoneyBooBoo’s mama is bout to be a grandmother at 32 years old. Yes, THIRTY-TWO. She had Chickadee at 15, and Sugar Bear was 23. We won’t talk about how that’s statutory because I don’t have time but… Ladies and gentlemen, this ain’t what success looks like. Or maybe it is, because they got a show now so…

Edit: So it seems Sugar Bear is just the father of Honey Boo Boo, and not of the other girls. June has other baby daddies. 

Anywho, this family is 100% hoodrat and I am here for them. They belong on “King of the Hill.”

Yes, I’ll be tuning into Honey Boo Boo and her family shenanigans next week. I’m so glad this show exists. It’ll help balance out the foolery of everything on VH1 that makes me say my skinfolk ain’t my kinfolk. Read: I’m so glad white folks got a show to facepalm about now. No offense. None taken. You get me. *smize*

Who else watched it? Is this show your kind of ratchet?

 

Previous post

Love and Hip Hop ATL Cartoon Spoof SLAYED Me

Next post

700 Posts and 6 Years Later: It's My Blogversary!

35 Comments

  1. MzPlusModel
    August 9, 2012 at 12:16 am — Reply

    I was also shocked and appalled by what was happening on my television screen and slightly relieved that Love & Hip Hop ATL isn’t the only show on the air currently embarrassing folks from Georgia! I didn’t even realize Sugar Bear was 23 when Mama was 15 and got knocked up….But quite frankly am not surprised. When I saw the BLACK man carrying the confederate flag I almost changed the channel but for some reason I just could NOT. I sadly will be tuning in next week. God Bless America.

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm — Reply

      Georgia is getting a bad rap right now lolol. But yeah Sugar Bear knocked up a 15 year old when he was 23. And I did this. O__________________O

      Oh and I tried to repress the memory of the black man carrying that flag. I TRIED. And here you go bringing it up. Hmph.

      • TeleKendall
        August 27, 2012 at 10:17 pm — Reply

        well. you later learn that Sugar Bear is only Honey Boo Boo’s father. The rest of the girls have different fathers. . .

    • jdawg
      September 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm — Reply

      Sugar Bear is only Alana’ dad. He and June have been together 8 years. Those other kids have different baby daddies.

  2. Jay
    August 9, 2012 at 1:10 am — Reply

    Yep. What she said^^^^ lol I know I shouldn’t like it but I will be tuning in next week. Why?!

  3. carla
    August 9, 2012 at 1:12 am — Reply

    Lol….I have been in like with Honey Boo Boo since I first saw her on T&T. This family keeps it REAL, but it may not be on long cause white ppl don’t want US to know how they really act…lol…like we care. I will be tuning in every week, but I won’t b watching the conjoined twins show that’s a bit much

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm — Reply

      Naw it’ll be on for a good minute b/c this is just good ol’ foolish TV at its best. Or I at least hope so.

  4. August 9, 2012 at 5:59 am — Reply

    Luvvie, you know I love you, but I have to disagree with this statement: “I’m so glad this show exists. It’ll help balance out the foolery of everything on VH1 that makes me say my skinfolk ain’t my kinfolk. Read: I’m so glad white folks got a show to facepalm about now.”

    Do I need to remind you that white folks have:
    The Kardashians
    Jersey Shore
    Snooki and JWow
    The Bachelor
    The Bachelorette
    Big Brother
    Hoarders
    The Virgin Diaries
    Toddlers and Tiaras
    Fox News
    RHONJ/RHONY/RHOOC/RHOBH (sorry, majority rules on RHOATL, although “Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding” counts

    We have plenty to facepalm about. Plenty. Honey Boo Boo need not represent the stupidity of our race. We got it covered. :/

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:47 pm — Reply

      NAWL Christi! Out of all the ones you listed, MAYBE three is ratchet. I’m talmbout the kind of ratchet that makes you wanna step to a mic and tell the world “I don’t claim these people.” lol

      • August 9, 2012 at 1:10 pm — Reply

        You think I want to claim Snooki?? Or anybody on The Virgin Diaries? Or any person on Fox News??? You must think our standards are way higher than they are, lol. I’m just glad you watched Honey Boo Boo so I didn’t have to. Living in Tennessee, that is just a little too much reality for me. I’m trying so hard to break the cycle of the South and this is really working against me!

    • Starita34
      August 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm — Reply

      THE VIRGIN DIARIES WAS EVERYTHING AND YOU ARE NOT A TRUE AMERICAN IF YOU DISAGREE!!!! #AllCapsEverything!! All one episodes of the Virgin Diaries gave all of the life!!!

      *Composes myself and reduces caps and exclamation output*

      This show sounds like a shame and a mess…and very entertaining sadly. #ThisIsWhyICan’tHaveCable …or nice things…like not hastagging on blog posts…bahwell.

  5. Calliepeach
    August 9, 2012 at 6:41 am — Reply

    No one in Ga. is thinking about these random blips of ratchet! L&HHA and Honey Boo Boo doesn’t cancel out all the postive things here.

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm — Reply

      Yes, Georgia is still more than the sum of its ratchet parts. Agreed.

  6. August 9, 2012 at 6:56 am — Reply

    I MUST watch this show!!!!

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm — Reply

      Surely must. At least once.

  7. Monica
    August 9, 2012 at 7:57 am — Reply

    Don’t forget Dance Moms. That ratchetness makes me want to bitchslap the hell out of Abby Lee…chile boo

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm — Reply

      Abby Lee is NUTS! That woman was an overseer in her past lifetime.

      • Marsha S. Haneiph
        August 9, 2012 at 10:53 pm — Reply

        Oh my goodness, that Abby Lee woman is a nightmare. She rocks her neck in every ad, which makes me want to kick it. If I watch that show my aura might turn black. I’ll pass on that one, Lifetime.

  8. CafeGirlsPress
    August 9, 2012 at 9:30 am — Reply

    Well, VH1, your regrettable oeuvre is enough to put me off my feed.

    OTH, roadkill doesn’t clean itself up. So I guess by putting these…people…on the airwaves VH1 at least scraped them up off the asphalt, saving the Georgia DOT some tax money.

    I’ll notify the Nobel Foundation.

    *shuffles off with no faith left in humanity*

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm — Reply

      LOLLLLLLL

  9. August 9, 2012 at 10:19 am — Reply

    Luvvie, you will not put Honey Boo Boo’s mama in the same age group as me. I won’t stand for it! *stomps foot*

    You mean to tell me this woman is only 32 years of age? I need to see her papers. She needs more people. #YouthSTRUGGLES

    Unfortunately, Honey Boo Boo ain’t my brand of ratchet, but I’m with you on being a little bit happy that this Facepalm-worthy moment didn’t involve black folk. Because, LORD, if Honey Boo Boo was a black show… the internet would have BLOWN THE HELL UP last night. Can you imagine?

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm — Reply

      LOLLL can you imagine??? How does 32 look like THAT? Life ain’t been NO crystal stair for her.

    • Deidra
      September 6, 2012 at 2:21 pm — Reply

      What’s even more heartbreaking is that Sugar Bear is only 40! The man has no teeth and looks like he could be Alana’s grandpa. Working in the chalk mines is a rough life.

  10. Ayana
    August 9, 2012 at 11:01 am — Reply

    I have never heard of this show. But based on your recap, I am now here for them! I will be searching my guide for the next scheduled showing of this full bowl of ratchet foolishness and I will enjoy!

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm — Reply

      Girl I’m sure TLC is gon rerun it to death. You must catch at least the first ep.

  11. Tiffany
    August 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm — Reply

    For 32 she looks all of TERRIBLE!

    • August 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm — Reply

      Girl she looks 32 going on 60. I can’t deal w/ how bad she’s aged.

  12. August 9, 2012 at 2:40 pm — Reply

    THANK YOU for not talking about their use of ‘biscuit.’

    Also: Was Sugar Bear even awake for any of the episodes?

    Third: My 13YO was with me in NYC & got really excited about seeing one of the Dance Moms girls (and her Dance Mom) in the lobby; now she’s proud of her pic with Chloe.

  13. Sarah
    August 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm — Reply

    I watched this in stunned silence for the first half, at least. Then, all I could do was bust out laughing.

    I have never encountered anyone like this! Just wow.

  14. Amelia m
    August 9, 2012 at 8:53 pm — Reply

    I won’t watch this show but if you write about it after it airs every week I’ll tune in here. I think reading your description of the show surely has to be more entertaining than the show it’s self. Also, I read “Chile, ican’t” about 50 times trying to figure out why you can’t eat chile or won’t eat chile or dislike chile in some fashion and then when I got it I laughed so hard. Great fun your blog. I’ll be back.

  15. JessesLaw
    August 9, 2012 at 11:34 pm — Reply

    Thank you for the recap. I laughed till I cried and snorted more reading your recap than I did watching the two shows. I actually worked with this demographic as an academic advisor and survived the experience. Imagine my work week. I can laugh about it now but then…. I’ll be tuning in next week and following your live tweeting.

  16. Danni
    August 12, 2012 at 12:38 pm — Reply

    This was the best spoiler EVA!

    I just watched episode one after reading this and was near death from laughin. These people remind me that my life isn’t so bad. I’m on episode two and I just want to save that ettiquete coach….she didn’t do nothin in life to deserve that assault on her profession.

  17. CHAOTIC_ONE
    August 14, 2012 at 8:50 am — Reply

    I REALLY NEED TO MOVE MY BUTT OUT OF GEORGIA ASAP! I ALREADY HAVE TO GO TO A NEW NAIL SALON AFTER SEEING SHAY BUCKY GHETTO BUTT IN THE SAME SALON I WENT TO.

  18. […] appalled and amazed and I think I love it. TLC’s clearly in the ratchet TV game now, with Honey Boo Boo and now […]

  19. cjxo
    January 30, 2014 at 7:06 pm — Reply

    She is not 5! She isn’t now in 2014, but when the show came out, she was 8 years old.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>