I was peer pressured into watching TLC’s newest show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo featuring standout girl Alana from Toddlers and Tiaras and her family. And let me tell you I AM GLAD I WATCHED!
Let me tell you about Honey Boo Boo. She’s 5 years old and a non-winning pageant queen. As in she’s always a
bridesmaid runner-up never a bride winner. Her family lives in Georgia and they take the word “country” to a whole new level.
Her mama is June and she calls her hubby/boo/baby daddy “Sugar Bear.” June gives so little dambs about couth and Sugar Bear might have a vitamin D deficiency. I’m concerned about him. He looks all jaundiced and pale. They have four girls, and they are Chickadee, Chubbs, Pumpkin and Honey Boo Boo. No these aren’t their gubment names but they’re consistent. Surely, you didn’t expect them to go by stuff like “Jessica” did you?
Since they share just one bathroom, they often wash up by rinsing their hair in the kitchen sink, in lieu of a shower. We found that fun fact out within the first couple of minutes of the show. I can only imagine how unfresh they all smell on that hygiene regimen. Together, they must reek of must, musk, feet, old deodorant and terrible. That’s when I knew I was in for a ratchet 30 minutes. And I was right. And excited.
The ladies of the family then eat a hearty breakfast of generic brand cheeseballs from a clear gallon tub. I don’t know why they live like this but I’m amused and appalled by it at the same. I’m pretty sure they got a tab at WalMart. They’re probably like Norm from “Cheers” when they go in there. HONEY BOO BOOS!!! must come over the loud speaker when they walk in.
Honey Boo Boo likes to use her stomach as a puppet as she talks. And TLC blesses us with subtitles so we can understand her and the rest of her family members. You’d think English wasn’t their first language but it shockingly is.
Anywho, the family is interviewed together and one of them goes “Yes, we’re rednecks.” Some of them disagree. And then they all go to an annual tradition called the “Redneck Games.” What is it? Well June tells us “The redneck games is like the Olympics. Just with a lot of missing teeth.” That is to say that it’s NOTHING like the Olympics. Only thing both events have in common is people sweating. DASSIT. But iHollered though.
Activities at the Redneck Games included bobbing for raw pig feet and mud belly flopping competitions. It was everything I expected to see and then more. There was even a confederate flag, to put it over the top of ridiculous. Just in case you forgot you were in rural Southern Georgia. Chile, iCan’t.
The girls want to join others to swim in a pond after the games but June won’t let them because apparently, it’s a “redneck bathtub” and there might be flesh-eating bacteria. She is a CARING parent, y’all. And then they all go home and snack on cheese balls some more. Oh. O_O This prompts Chubbs to talk about how she wants to go on a diet so they all decide to weigh themselves on the bathroom scale. The results were sad yet hilarious:
Honey Boo Boo weighed 69 lbs. She’s 5.
Chubbs weighed 175 lbs. She’s 15.
June got on the scale and that joint said “ERROR.” GAHTDAMB dawg. She had to try it again before it told her she was 309 lbs.
Their round the clock diet of cheese balls is probably not helping here but I like to state the obvious. Before 5 camera minutes go past, Chubbs is eating cake and Alana tells at her with “YOU ON A DAHT. GIMME DAT FAT KIAKE.” Oh Honey Boo Boo. Always so helpful. O_O
This episode was just an introduction to the family’s dysfunctional ways and I didn’t think I could watch another 30 minutes so soon but my remote control was across the room so laziness made me watch episode 2.
I wasn’t paying attention for most of the 2nd episode but I do know the family got a pet baby pig. They’re so consistently cliché. I appreciate them for that. Also, Chickadee, the oldest daughter of June and Sugar Bear is pregnant. At 17. That was… expected. So #HoneyBooBoo’s mama is bout to be a grandmother at 32 years old. Yes, THIRTY-TWO. She had Chickadee at 15, and Sugar Bear was 23. We won’t talk about how that’s statutory because I don’t have time but… Ladies and gentlemen, this ain’t what success looks like. Or maybe it is, because they got a show now so…
Edit: So it seems Sugar Bear is just the father of Honey Boo Boo, and not of the other girls. June has other baby daddies.
Anywho, this family is 100% hoodrat and I am here for them. They belong on “King of the Hill.”
Yes, I’ll be tuning into Honey Boo Boo and her family shenanigans next week. I’m so glad this show exists. It’ll help balance out the foolery of everything on VH1 that makes me say my skinfolk ain’t my kinfolk. Read: I’m so glad white folks got a show to facepalm about now. No offense. None taken. You get me. *smize*
Who else watched it? Is this show your kind of ratchet?