TV

Why Am I Here for Joseline Now? My Love and Hip Hop ATL Recap

LAWD, Love and Hip Hop ATL somehow ups its’ ratchetness quotient EVERY week. That takes skill from a show whose first three episodes included abortions and beatings. Anywho, last night’s ep gave me what I needed.

Love and Hip Hop Atlanta

Why is Mimi always talking tough to Stevie but her actions never back it up? While on a “family outing” to the park, Mimi barks at Steebie for the umpteenth time but negates all of that quickly. He opens his raggelly mouth to say he wants Joseline to join them in therapy, and her GOOFASS says she’ll think about it. You want your side chick to come to counseling with your baby mama??? iCan’t.

Why does Karlie feel like she needs Joseline’s permission to work with Stevie? She invites Joseline out and is shocked when RihaNAWL gives her the green light to work with him since she’s no longer tied to his squirrel face. The subject turns to Karlie being with Benzino, and Joseline catches her blushing and accuses her of being in love with him. Lawd…

Why does Scrappy talk like he’s perpetually chewing on marshmallows? Ew. Anywho, Shay joins him in the studio while rocking her best Rainbow Romper and doing a booty twerk to his trap music when Rasheeda arrives. As Buckey walks out, she kisses Scrappy in the yuckmouth and ‘Sheeda realizes she’s Scrappy’s new dip. When she calls him out on his crap and says Erica was crying about him, it shocks him. Apparently, Erica never cried in front of him to show him it was real. Aawww hood affection rules are so different.

Why is Karlie having a promotional photoshoot when she has nothing to promote? Seems that Benzino set it up and she says “It’s hard for a man to help a woman w/ her career 100%.” WHAT CAREER, MA’AM??? Tryna book Stevie J for studio time is NOT a “career” but I digress. She thanks him by giving him one of those BFF half puzzle piece necklaces from Claire’s that we all gave our BFFs in 8th grade. O_O Meanwhile, Benzino’s on screen looking like he has morning breath at 5pm. No one is here for that.

Benzino neck bone

Why am I here for Erica’s thug tears? After a night at Scrappy’s showcase of hollering unintelligible words to mediocre beats, K.Michelle meets up with Erica to give her tea on the Shay-Scrappy situation. She had no clue and is understandably hurt that the tatted up trollop she had a baby with has moved on to another woman without telling her. Erica says she’s done and I truly hope so because Scrappy is not about that life.

Why does Mimi always think her stupid choices with Stevie are wins? She talks to Ariane about going to therapy with Stevie and Joseline. Ariane pulls her logical wig and asks her why and Mimi talmbout she’s trying to keep her family together. MA’AM, what family are you tryna keep together??? Is it the one that includes the guy who bought you a house in the suburbs so you won’t be able to get to him easily? The one with the guy who got RihanNAWL pregnant? Oh. (-__-) Then she says therapy will be good because “everything will come out.” Girl…

You sure about that gif

Why did I keep calling Mimi’s brother Obadele Shakur? Probably because I’m a jerk and it amused me. But Mimi and her afrocentric brother (and his dashiki) take their mother’s ashes to throw in water because those were her last wishes before she died 10 years ago. It was sweet to see her pay respect to a mother who abandoned her when she was 13 years old to practice Scientology. The moral of this story is that Scientology is the enemy.

Why is Benzino getting Karlie jewelry when they’ve known each other for 2.5 days? Scrappy has worn draws for more consecutive days than the length of Benzino and Karlie’s relationship and this fool is thinking bout buying her a ring. Team bad decisions sponsors this show.

Why did I not realize that the woman with bass in her voice and the blond Dumb n Dumber haircut was Waka Flocka’s mama until folks told me? Waka got his eyes from Deb Antney for sure. Take this as you wish. When she started hollering at Rasheeda’s husband, I wanted to give her my last piece of cornbread, lest she come at me next. She is that intimidating. It was a bit bogus that Rasheeda just sat there as her hubby was verbally castrated for not having her career in better shape. Kirk’s only retort was that she “sells more records today than she ever has in her career.” So she used to sell 100, now she sells 150? Nice. O__O But I might not argue with a woman who looks like she could eat Momma Dee up for breakfast either. ALL puns intended. Kirk needs to say stuff with his chest, not his wrist. Maybe then, he’d be taken more serious.

Why am I now a Joseline fan? The therapy session begins and Stevie is smugly sitting there while Mimi gives him her meaningless evil eye. Dr. Jeff starts asking questions and as Joseline answers, Stevie wipes sweat off her nose with a tissue. If Mimi wondered if he gave ANY damb about her feelings, she got a very strong answer there again. Then Mimi tells Joseline that her and Stevie are living together again. The moment Stevie confirmed it, Joseline PUT THEM PAWS ON HIM!!!

PUT. THEM. PAWS. ON. HIM. She went Mike Tyson on Stevie and it took like 4 security men to pull her off him. Just like that, I AM HERE FOR JOSELINE HERNANDEZ, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

I was rooting for Mimi before but how she gon win when she ain’t right within? She can’t so I’m kinda here for Joseline now. Sidechicks are winning in 2012.

Did y’all watch this ep? Are you also a Joseline fan now?

Note: my recaps will be appearing here only henceforth so govern your read accordingly

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28 Comments

  1. Kia
    August 7, 2012 at 9:24 am — Reply

    I HATE YOU FOR THIS!!! I can NOT stop laughing. I’m gonna get fired. But why you didn’t see Scrappy still has the round theft sensor on his shorts???? iCan’t!!!!

  2. August 7, 2012 at 9:41 am — Reply

    Gosh Luvvie,

    Can’t nobody match your ratchet commentary.

    Anyways, I am Team Joseline now.
    As always, you see two women fighting each other over a man who has lied to them both.

    Well Joseline went after the right one to put the Paws on because Stevie J is a disgusting snake and I hope she left marks on his dumb lying stanking ass.

  3. August 7, 2012 at 9:44 am — Reply

    Yeah, I started coming around for Joseline 1.5 episodes ago. She’s done her fair share of ho sh*t but there’s something endearing about her O_o

    Plus, her weave is off the chain now! LBS

  4. August 7, 2012 at 9:45 am — Reply

    I.got.my.life.with.this.recap. Thank you! I am in a training and I am laughing out loud at this foolishness!!!! I want my unemployment checks forwarded to your house because Imma live witchu when I’m put out!

  5. Zake
    August 7, 2012 at 9:56 am — Reply

    “…how she gon win when she ain’t right within?” What??? Girl, you are too much! LMAO!

    I was Team Joseline when she realized Steebie wasn’t sh*t after the abortion. She played along with him, but started making moves and calling ish out like it was. She put the paws on Stevie better than Scrappy!!!

    I adore her.

    Mimi needs to a real therapist to get right within for real.

    I’m also Team Luvvie. You make my day with your posts! :)

  6. Dupe
    August 7, 2012 at 9:57 am — Reply

    I can honestly admit that Jose has grown on me. When he was attempting 2 tear Stebie’s face off a little part of me wanted him to accidently crack MiMi as well since she didnt feel it necessary 2 get her ass up til security moved her!! A fool!!! And I wholeheartedly feel security should have let Jose & Stebie box it out like the men they r!!

  7. Chanel
    August 7, 2012 at 10:23 am — Reply

    #RainbowRomper #unintelligiblewordstomediocrebeats …

    I’m a fan… Of Joseline AND you. There’s a maturity about Joseline that keeps her in her place as a hoe, but she still demands respect, and I respect her for that… More than I respect Mimi, actually.

  8. August 7, 2012 at 10:30 am — Reply

    Okay Scappy and the marshmallow—I am going to be laughing at that one for days.

  9. August 7, 2012 at 10:58 am — Reply

    Did Benzino kick Karlie out leaving her homelss? Did Shay hit Lil Scrappy at the reunion after he proposed to Erica (and she accepted)? Did this hitting happen after Scrappy told Shay he was sorry for using her? You have connections. Find out if any of this is true.

    I low-key appreciated that Joseph went for Stebbie instead of MiMi. That’s a real hood twist right their because their rule book clearly states that all physical retribution should be directed to the woman.

  10. August 7, 2012 at 11:06 am — Reply

    I can’t…I can’t. @luvvie you are going to get me fired!! This was hilarious. “When she started hollering at Rasheeda’s husband, I wanted to give her my last piece of cornbread, lest she come at me next.” this was sooo funny!! You said everything perfectly. I can’t add anything else.

  11. vanitaapplebum
    August 7, 2012 at 11:16 am — Reply

    *SCREAMING LAUGHTER* I.Caint.Breeve.

    100% #teamluvvie

  12. August 7, 2012 at 11:20 am — Reply

    ok, ok – i can’t take it anymore – this weekend i am kicking my kids to the curb and locking myself in the office and getting completely caught up on the ratchetry!!! i’ll be taking your blogs with me as notes

  13. August 7, 2012 at 12:06 pm — Reply

    I. CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING.

  14. August 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm — Reply

    Was it me, or did you feel like you were watching a Jerry springer episode where you got the main and the jumpoff sitting in between the ain’t ish guy? Then security had to break up the fight…
    Anyway, I am not here for Mimi and Jose is growing on me too. At least she knows a hoes place and is comfortable fighting for Stevie j crumbs. Mimi on the other hand…..in the history of the game, who let’s the main get upstaged by the side joint?

  15. reap
    August 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm — Reply

    LOL! Love this commentary. Yup, sidechicks are winning in 2012! Goddamn shame.

  16. CheyChey
    August 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm — Reply

    I cant say that I am a joseline fan, but i definitely lost the microscopic respect that i had left for mimi. I mean come onnnnnn!!!! Mimi walk away already!!!!! if she claims she is too classy and this situation is too messy, why are you still all in it? and living with the man for goodness sakes? iCant!!

  17. Dinasty
    August 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm — Reply

    “Kirk needs to say stuff with his chest, not his wrist.” I been saying this since episode 1!! He’s a man, don’t get me wrong, but he definitely seems like a passenger seat beta man. Rasheeda is the alpha in that house, and I has the sads for him. I just want him to grab hold of his balls and say “No, bitch!” just one good time.

    I been Team Joseline the whole time. Why? Because she knows what she is and has been completely unapologetic about it. She has been realer than MiMi has been to herself. And the fact that she attacked Steebie instead of misplacing her anger at “the other woman”.

  18. CaspercutieSTL
    August 7, 2012 at 2:26 pm — Reply

    I was surprised that Joseline went for Stebbie instead of Mimi. That made me like her a little.

  19. August 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm — Reply

    If I hadn’t watched the nuttery and seen all that you seen, I would not have believe this HILARIOUS recap! Every week when the show ends, I’m thinking ‘I need to get that 30 minutes of my life back’. But by the time the next epi rolls around – I can’t wait! Somebody save me from myself! LOL

  20. August 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm — Reply

    THIS!! —> Aawww hood affection rules are so different.

    Made me cry at my desk. iQuit your entire lifespace.

  21. Michele
    August 7, 2012 at 6:49 pm — Reply

    OMG!! I don’t even watch the show…I don’t need to, you give me all that I NEED! (but I may have to do a marathon watch this weekend). Sidechicks are winning in 2012…DEAD!

    So no more Ebony? I loved those recaps as well…a lil tamer but funny as hell!

  22. dmaclee
    August 8, 2012 at 8:18 am — Reply

    Joseline said, “Okay, WHAP!!!!” She slapped the taste outta his mouth like somebody’s mama.

  23. […] been going around the web so you might have seen it by now, but there’s a cartoon spoof of Love and Hip Hop ATL that has murked and slayed me completely! I saw it on RollingOut.com and laughed so hard I […]

  24. rickysyfee
    August 8, 2012 at 11:35 am — Reply

    Karlies laugh when she was talking to joseline…
    NEEDS TO BE MY RINGTONE, LOL

  25. yadi
    August 8, 2012 at 12:15 pm — Reply

    u nail it everytime!!

  26. Tricey
    August 8, 2012 at 7:43 pm — Reply

    I am definitely team Joseline Hernandez baby!!!

  27. Yo Momma!
    August 9, 2012 at 2:57 am — Reply

    Hella. Funny. Mimi puts up with it so she can get a check. No Stebie, no Mimi. If Mimi didn’t go along with Stebie’s shenaningans, she’d be ghost like that Season 1, housewife of Atlanta, that don’t nobody remember that was married to that one basketball dude.

  28. Ambar
    September 2, 2012 at 11:41 pm — Reply

    Did anyone else notice the smug ass look on Mimi’s face when she let Joseline know that they lived together? Like she won or is suddenly better than Joseline? Like no boo boo the fact that his mistress is in your face at a counseling session with all three of y’all present as if your one big happy family shows you just how low on the totem poll you are.

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