No Country for Janky Relationship Experts. EVER.

[ 93 ] September 30, 2012 |

I’m bout up to HERE *puts hand next to my neck* with so-called “relationship experts.” ESPECIALLY when they’re men, and all they do is tell women what they do wrong and why they’re single.

It’s clear that there’s a HUGE demand for relationship experts, as one of the more successful ones just got a show on OWN. This business of tryna fix women’s singlehood is BOOMING and everyone’s jumping in feet first.

Folks are tweeting bad advice and others are writing terrible slideshow articles with pictures of women in despair to accompany it. Every time an article called “10 reasons why you’re still single” is written, an angel loses her temper and tells you to STFU. And then she throws her harp at you.

This was all brought to my spirit today because while I was minding other people’s my business on Facebook, I saw a status that one of my friends liked and it was so dumb that I wanted to fight my keyboard. I went to the page (which belonged to some dude who called himself a ‘lationship expert) and scrolled some more and read equally stupid ones. And my blood pressha went SKY HIGH. Below are three of em:

“Note To Men: The best gift you can give a woman is your last name. Stand behind your word and Show her you Truly Love Her!”

“Note To Women: A man has done nothing for you till he has you walk down the aisle and become his wife. Stop idolizing boyfriends!”

“Note To Men: Buy a woman a car = 15k-40k, Buy her a house = 100k-500k, Give her your last name = Priceless.”

Fucking Kidding Me gif

The theme is obvious. Ladies, you ain’t got SHIT if you aren’t carrying a man’s last name. And men, you need to stop being so selfish and BLESS women with your last name because it is clearly what we’re on this Earth for and nothing will bring us as much joy. O_O

First of all. Marriage is a part of life, not the POINT of it. And it seems homeboy thinks it’s all that matters. My dude, there are some people who actually don’t wanna get married. Does that make them empty? Whatever. I don’t e’em wanna go down that line of debate.

Second of GAHTDAMB ALL, sir. Yes, folks can get married but some people choose not to take their husband’s last name for whatever reason. WHAT IF I DON’T WANT IT??? What if his last name is IVANAPEA? Besides, a last name can’t make me wealthy unless I’m a Kennedy. I will gladly take the house! Thanks!

Third of mufugging all. He talmbout stop idolizing boyfriends. NAWL, DUDE! Don’t idolize a GAHTDAMB person. I’ont care if they are your husband. But to be all “he ain’t did shit unless…” Sooooooo signing a piece of paper and walking down an aisle is the only thing that matters? Chile STAHP.

Most importantly. PLEASE HAVE A GAHTDAMB SEAT, WITH YOUR SIMPLE ASS. I could go into all types of intelligent discourse of the role of patriarchy in this stupidity but I’ont feel like it. And I’ma leave that for Kimberly N. Foster if she chooses. I’ma just snatch his wig for saying stupid stuff instead.

And who is the non-genius behind this terrible advice? This dude:

Terry Bams

This is Terry Bams, ladies and gentlemen. “Author, Relationship expert and motivational speaker.” Giver of piss poor advice, taker of himself too seriously, and owner of a website that looks like it was created in Geocities. Y’all better peep his serious look and his hand in hand pose. He wants you to know he means BUSINESS! And I want him to know he needs to go jump off a first floor balcony into thirsty grass.

The pose of douchebags who give bad advice is the black outfit, intense glare and hands or arms close to the body. Don’t believe me? See Tyrese’s book cover:

Tyrese Book Cover

He totally swagger-jacked Jody.

But you see what’s wrong with this? Terry came out with book, y’all. He’s putting his empty words in PRINT so we know it’s real. This is the synopsis:

“Ever made love to over 100 women? Have you attempted sex with 26 women at once? Have you ever been in love with a person who met the criteria of your dreams, but you could never reach a place of commitment? I never thought this would become my life, but it did. From fitting 10 women into one day, to hiding another woman’s car so my mistress would not see it…This may not have been your life, but I openly invite you to walk through the story of mine. I welcome you into The Mind of A Womanizer.”

O_____________________________________O <— avatar blank stare.

So he was a supreme hoe before and now he’s married and wants to tell everyone how he did it? Oh. Ok. So you CAN turn a hoe into a husband. Good to know, Terry O___O.

Surely you’d think there’s no way this dude has an audience. And you’d be wrong. He has almost 14,000 LIKES on Facebook, 52,000 followers on Twitter, and one of those dumb ass statuses above had over 7,000 likes. Who are these lost souls who are listening to all this nonsense, rubbish and idiocy??? We need to pray for them and throw them in a pool of holy water. In fact, I kinda blame them. I’m supremely annoyed as hell that women are co-signing it by the droves.

I blame the lonely women who sop up this bad advice like cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster. I blame them for being willing audiences to relationship experts and their raggelly ass advice that ain’t worth a damb. I really do. All up through Terry’s FB fan page are women commenting about how amazing his advice is and how much they’ve learned from him. And after every one of them that I saw, I was driven to fight the air like the Matron Saint of Bad Decisions, Fantasia.

Fantasia Fights Air gif

I FEEL YOU, TASIA MAE!!!

Women who aren’t happy with their relationship status have made themselves the victims to these people who have no credentials or reason to be giving out advice. And people who love to prey on this vulnerability are doing it and making mad monies from it. I’m SUPER over it.

Terry Bams and his counterparts all need to quit playing these bald-headed games. And ladies, don’t let them feed you this lonely girl propaganda. We’re better than this.

Also, friends don’t let friends fall for the okey doke of these stranger bishes who wanna dole out bad tips. No country for janky relationship experts. No zip code municipality or city council. NONE.

That is all. Whatcha’ll gotta say?

P.S. Feel free to pass this post along to that friend you have. You know the one who’s always buying relationship advice books and subscribes to every relationship blog on the web? Yes. Send it to her.

Related post: I’m Still Not Here for These Relationship Experts

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Comments (93)

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  1. onlychyld says:

    Just wait til Tyrese and Rev Run’s book “Manology” comes out. You might spontaneously combust.

  2. Vera says:

    Lmao Luvvie..you’re so right. I’d like to think the women are so lonely that their friends don’t want to deal with them so they look toward these scams of relationship experts for advice.

  3. meadowgirl says:

    yes, yes, yes. i’m fightin’ the air witchu girl, yes. OMFG PATRIARCHY IN A BLOG POST! i wanna run around shakin’ folks & telling them to read this.

  4. Joanndith says:

    I….can’t…breave! I lost my mind on the Tasia gif!! LMBO!

  5. alysimone says:

    omg that gif! tasia mae! lololol

  6. F_Mlicious says:

    Everytime I think of someone offering women bad advice, I always think Steve Harvey’s whack ass. Just imagine for under $30, they can tell you about your love life (or lack thereof) GTFOWTB

  7. and the fact that.these experts are.former womanizers or, man hoes really doesn’t help the single life struggle. They are merely creating this advice for the thirsty and desperate women they seem to attract and for the women who want.what they really don’t need. How come.we have to be.subjected to assholes and dog ass men to give relationship advice on how to attract and maintain a good man when they never were?

    • Kekanu says:

      “How come.we have to be.subjected to assholes and dog ass men to give relationship advice on how to attract and maintain a good man when they never were?”
      This was so worth “repeating” to me. That is all…

  8. Kay says:

    I see he went to the Jaden School of Modeling…I’m so sick of these Negroes trying to tell Black women they aint about shit unless they have some man’s name attached to the end of theirs…I’m one of those women you talked about Luvvie, I’m single and I dont see it for marriage…I’m here for doing what I want, when I want, how I want and with whoever I want! Negro, have a whole stadium of seats with your tired ass…Dirty dick ass mutha f*&^%…He done pushed me off my already crooked walk with Jesus with his foolishness…and dont get me started on Tyrese’s forever needing a Speak ‘n Spell ass…

  9. BAngeeB says:

    HALLELUJAH! I saw the “stop ionizing boyfriends” one on someone’s fb page and wanted to instantly fight her.

  10. Kay says:

    I say we ladies get together and write a book on how the Black man aint shit…see how much they march in the streets and call us whores, and helping the media to put them down….

  11. key says:

    Omg! I tried reading “think like a man” to see what the hype was about but i could never get past the first chapter! The advice he was trying top give was dated and ridiculous (to say the least).

    • Siddy says:

      Hell I couldn’t even make it through the first 10 pages.. (In my Mohammed Ali voice) Try as I might , my brain put up a good fight {and won}

  12. Christie says:

    “An angel loses her patience and throws her harp” made me howl.
    This man needs to take all the seats…on the first bus outta town!

  13. S.M. says:

    Just realized I was following this dude on Twitter, never paid attention to his tweets, I scrolled right past them. I just unfollowed him. And he has a pic of him and his wife as his twitter avi wearing “I married my best friend” shirts O__O

  14. Ayana says:

    I NEVER thought I could love someone in cyberspace, but chile…Luvie! I’m am OFFICIALLY your NUMERO UNO STAN! If I hear one more single girl I know or don’t know (because I often ear-hustle while riding the train) say some nonsense like she read (enter stupid ‘lationship man’s name here) book and he’s right about a lot of stuff…Imma faint! Just flat out faint! THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I have already forwarded the link and will share this post on FB in the morning when everyone is bright-eyed and ready for Monday!

  15. Laura says:

    Luvvie, I’d like to thank you for providing material for my “Women, Writers, and the Marriage Plot” class. At the end of the semester my students have to do an independent study on “a work of literature about marriage.” I may have to bribe a student to choose this book–except it’s supposed to be a 20-minute presentation and it might be hard to stretch out a “NAWL” for that long.

  16. Terry C. says:

    Hmmmm.
    Bald Head. Got that.
    Black Suit. Got that.
    Dark Chocolate skin. Got That.

    Now I just have to take myself way too seriously and learn how to look constipated in pictures.
    I even have the title for my book.

    HOE NO MO!!
    How to go from the side chick to wifey.

    Time to make that cheddah!!!!

  17. naturalista88 says:

    I’m tired of these “relationship experts” acting like we’re all monolithic & need to act/think/feel the same when it comes to intimate relationships. Naw fam, I ain’t buying what you sellin’.

  18. Sunny says:

    Kay’s right. You & she ought to write a book. I’ll be the first to buy it!

  19. Cheekie says:

    Get this corporate FUBU suit wearing, tryna teach ish he ain’t even AUDIT a class for… OUT OF THE PAINT. Boy, bye.

  20. Shazz says:

    No amount of oxygen or ammonia pellets can resuscitate me from the reference to geocities, Tay Tay flailing in the air, and snatched up wags. *tickled AND dead*

  21. Nett says:

    Amen! I swear all if these men trying to tell women just how “wrong” we are will drive a saint to drink Cold Duck from a flask on Sunday!! Ridiculous! I can’t even begin to pontificate on the women who think this advice is truer than the Bible, Koran and Book of Morman put together.

  22. I love and hate you simultaneously for:

    “And I want him to know he needs to go jump off a first floor balcony into thirsty grass.”

    ROTFLMAO

  23. RozB says:

    First – why would anybody follow someone who poses in front of the club photographer backdrop?

    Second – who even talks to a guy who has the last name “Bams”? Talks to him enough to give him some?

    Third – the fact this ninja is wearing a black suit, black shirt, and red tie looking like one of those ghetto prom pictures should disqualify him from giving even a smidgen of advice to anybody.

    Fif (‘Cause that’s how I think Mr. Bams would pronounce it) – Luvvie has the best GIFs attached to her posts. I can only picture Fantasia fighting air while struggle crying. I am #ruint.

    Finally, I blame Steve Harvey for this hot garbage. Every man who blames women for their shortcomings now wants to give women advice on how to get AND keep them in all their douchebaggery. I am using a replacement referee to throw the flag on their bullshit.

  24. dianthe says:

    i loves my husband and kids from here til the end of the world and wouldn’t trade them for Janet Jackson’s Velvet Rope body – but being single did not suck – my sister (who is single and lives in a house bigger than mine) told me she was broke because she’d just bought 2 Kate Spade bags – uh huh, i was broke because i’d just bought my kids school clothes – please.

    i blame Steve Harvey and his “Think Like A Man” bullshit facade – that negro “found the lawd” and decided his calling was to brag about having been a dog in the name of “educating” the poor single women in the world – boy, have a seat please. you ain’t spouting no wisdom that we didn’t already know – and somehow he’s managed to parlay that crap into a talk show – maybe the Mayans were right because surely this is the end!

  25. The Silent i says:

    I took a look at his site and OMG! Why does dude talk like he’s doing spoken word? I mean, with background music and all,lol!

  26. I am so done with the ‘give her your last name’ bullisht. You know Jack White of the The White Stripes took Meg’s last name?

    BTW, I used to have a huuuuge crush on Jamal from “Ghostwriter” when I was a lil girl. Problem: his real name was Sheldon Turnipseed. I was like, I am NOT about to be Mrs. Turnipseed, I’m keeping my last name.

    Speaking of Ghostwriter, hoo rote Tyrese’s boke?

  27. Fayla says:

    #dead

    Luvvie I am here for everything you do mk?

    co-sign all o’dis!!!

    xo

  28. Kimmy says:

    I agree with Kay, it’s time for women to write a book, about these sorry arse black men! I love the Kristen Wigg gif, that girl is hilarious.

  29. Keisha Brown says:

    I..am speechless.
    But am curious if you put Paul (matchmaker on OWN) in the same category as this dude.

  30. Lexi says:

    This is why i love you lmao!!! I told my Daddy to go ahead and write a book on love and call himself a relationship expert so we could go make so money lol!!! it is that bad out here in these streets!

  31. Eleanor says:

    Girl. I aint gone lie, I went through self pity phase for a minute after getting rid of a long term relationship but never to the point of loosing my damn mind! I sit and watch women all the time settle for any damn thing so they aren’t alone and truly feel that they are not a real woman unless they have something (not someone) at home. I have “friends” that actually feel sorry for me because Im still alive and single lmao. Its sad that in this day and age women are still defining themselves by having a damn man and really believe theres something wrong with NOT having one.

  32. TRW says:

    Lord lord lord.

    Looking at his page 0___o

    And yes I will be posting this somewhere to some women i know…the THIRST sickens me.

    I have a friend writing a book about how to get married…she damn near 40 and still looking to have children and meet mister right. she has settled for this beastly of a guy…

  33. Brownbelle says:

    YES to all of this. *grabs popcorn* More shade, please because I am here for it! You should write a letter to the “pleasantries” dude next. Warning: he’ll probably block you like he did Brokey McPoverty but I think the hilarity would be worth it!

  34. Thank you for the shout out! What’s really frightening is the popularity of these men seems only to be increasing as the years go by. Steve Harvey is now a bajillionaire, and we (black women) made it happen.

    These marginally literate men have found the ultimate hustle. Now we have Facebook ‘lationship experts trying to capitalize. For what? What prize do you get for a status liked by 50 people, sir?

    The prize, of course, is the maintenance of patriarchy in their extremely limited spheres of influence. It’s all just so sad.

    We all gotta stay woke and pray.

  35. AB says:

    How apropos that his name is Bams? Cause he look and sound like a damn bamma.

  36. paintgurl40 says:

    the blind leading the blind….

  37. Blazian2 says:

    So glad somebody is finally addressing this mess. Had to unsubscribe to a person from high school for all their janky “advice” for women. Where the credentials, dammit, other than your janky dating life?! *crickets* Exactly.

  38. Antonio says:

    “BASED ON A TRUE STORY.” ROFLMAO.

    Folks take themselves WAY too seriously.

  39. Jimmy says:

    I’d like to see a picture of you Luvvie, because from the way you type I am pretty sure you’re a hoodrat.

  40. Cap'n Cisco says:

    I couldn’t possibly love this article any more. Preach, Luvvie! Preach!!!

  41. GoalDigger says:

    Personally, I am a fan of some of the thoughts and comments that Terry has put out there. Reading many of these responses show the caliber of people that we’re dealing with out here. Terry is not bashing, however he is trying to get women to stop settling when they do not have to and “men” to be a man of God. It’s sad that it’s normal to be a baby mother and not a wife.
    Any woman that says she would rather date a man for 10 years, bear his children and does not want to marry that man….is lying to herself. Most often women settle because they are more content being with a man than being that man’s wife. Why? Not because she only desires to be with that man but because she accepts the fact that the man does not want to marry her.

    • Kekanu says:

      You really do not get it, do you? Life for Black women is not limited to wife or tragic baby’s momma yearning to be a wife. A woman’s life is not defined by some guy finally deciding to make her respectable and blessing her with his last name. Does allegedly sleeping with 100+ women make Bams an expert on being a man/woman of God? Seriously, what are his credentials/qualifications?

      I hate to knock his hustle, but all he (and others) are doing are providing hope to pathetic women who believe that a man will complete/fix/fulfill all that is wrong with their lives. They also falsely make men believe that their mere existence is the “end all be all” to every woman’s life without effort or ambition.

      Reality Check…. There is more to life than being a wife. Find joy from within and if you happen upon someone who compliments your life, awesome!!!

  42. Eve says:

    Wait – Geocities?!?!? Why did I come back again just to read that word? LMAO!!!
    I love your posts. That is all.

  43. Tonia says:

    All what you said Luvvie— but wait did you say geocities?

  44. KemaB says:

    Hello!!!!!! I need you to please put everything you said, put it in a bottle and to all the simpletons believing the trash that speed from the mouth of male goes need to wash rinse and repeat the aboveinformation into your misinformed brains.

    The best thing a man can do is love the woman he loves completely, effortlessly and unconditionally. Life is not black and white. We aren’t divided into married and happy and sad and single people there are huge gray areas.

    You need to be emotionally ready for marriage to endure all that comes with it not doing it just to do it or because somebody on the cover of a book says its the right thing.

    Why oh why do these woman give these nuts the time of day. I was with my husband for 4 years and married for 6 yrs and I dish out how to make it work advice let alone did I think to take advice from any of these lames so please have all the seats in the world and STFU forever!

  45. Diva says:

    I fucking love this!!!! Terry and his crew need to have SEVERAL seats. _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ …Reading this brought to mind a conversation I had with an apparently ridiculous individual a few weeks ago who found it UNFATHOMABLE that a woman and man would share each other’s surnames (i.e., the Knowles-Carters). Nooo….that’s not a sexist mentality at all. WOMP. WTF is wrong with these batsh*t crazy dudes?? Having some man’s last name don’t make a woman any more valuable or relevant than she already is. I am leary of ANY dude who spews crazy, sexist bullshit sheisting, YES, SHEISTING gullible folks into thinking he’s a licensed professional of some sort because his nonsense was published and is being “lauded” by silly peons. Any bama who would stoop to attempting to use the past notches on his bedpost as some sort of “evidence” to convince the world that he’s reformed enough to be somebody’s husband is utter HILARITY. PLEASE. #byeho

  46. Seriously says:

    You are absolutely on point. What most of these misguided souls don’t know about this particular fool is that the wife he did finally get, he was cheating on during their engagement. She knew this and chose to marry him anyway. He’s been engaged SEVERAL times and has about two or three kids running around his city. This man, like most of these men has simply figured out how to pimp masses of women as opposed to the few they used to manage when they first started out in their career of manipulating women. I fault women though because if you really want help, stop using the cheap route and go hire a certified counselor. You get what you pay for, this will NEVER not be true. You have officially busted a fraud and you didn’t even know the facts.

  47. Nptexas says:

    Well, first of all, may I just say “oh vomit” to all that nonsense! What is it with people?

    Nowadays women
    1 go to college more than men
    2 graduate college more than men
    3 have better credit (!)
    4 buy 60% of new cars (2009 statistic)
    5. Buy 53% of used cars (also from 2009)

    And the list goes on & on & on. Yes, we still earn less than men in the aggregate. Yes, we need equal pay. Yes, it is satisfying & fulfilling to have a loving husband. BUT, as Luvvie points out, a husband is not a necessity of life. Check the statistics on how many widows of a certain age remarry compared to men.

    I gotta stop or this will be as long as Luvvie’s post

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