Politics

Joe Biden Shaded and Paul Ryan Drank Lotsa Water: VP Debate Recap

Anything that postpones Scandal for a week better be worth the while, and lemme tells ya… the vice-president debate was certainly worth it. Folks were looking forward to this showdown after the less-than-exciting Presidential one, and it didn’t disappoint. I missed the first 20 minutes of it though. I actually came in right as Joe Biden was talmbout “that’s a bunch of malarkey.” I put my bag down, went “OOP!” and got myself ready for another hour of the rumble. So let’s get into it.

Upon sitting down, something dawned on me IMMEJATELY. Paul Ryan’s outchea looking like Dobby the House Elf! I mean, my GOODNESS it’s uncanny. They got the same big watery eyes and I wondered if Joe handed him a sock, would he be free? “Harry Potter is Dobby’s FRIEND!” face. I’m rude. But you know I’m right! And right after I tweeted that, @LondonBloke11 sent me this picture and all was well in the world:

Paul Ryan Dobby from Harry Potter

You can’t sit up there and say I’m lying. YOU CAN’T! I’m rude, yes. But lying? No. (-_-)

Ennehweighs, Joe Biden spent most of the first half of the debate guffawing AT Paul Ryan’s answers and showing off his pearly whites. He also threw countless side-eyes and made it known that he wasn’t there to show couth. And I was here for it. He STAYED snatching Ryan’s wigs for spewing nonsense and made him look like a little boy who was tryna play dodgeball with the 8th graders.

Uncle Joe was straight PWNING Paul. He kept on referring to him as “my friend” which seemed to be a thinly veiled way to say “this fool here…” One of my favorite lines of his were “This recession didn’t fall from the sky. Ryan created it by voting to put two wars on a credit card.” WELPY MCWELPINGTON III! There were many times when Joe wanted to say “THE DEVIL IS A LAH!” soooo bad to Paul! I saw it in his spirit. Those times, he just cackled and smiled at the camera like “are y’all hearing this nonsense?” We heard it, Proposition Joe. We sure did.

Paul Ryan Joe Biden VP Debate

HA!!!

But I gotta pay ALL THE #AMISH to Martha Raddatz, the moderator. She was the anti-Jim Lehrer and she came to play and win. And she did. She was like “I’m not gon let y’all punk me like you did Jim.” And she meant it. At one point, Joe and Paul just kept interrupting each other and finally she had enough and interrupted them both. But Paul didn’t feel like he was done so he gon say “Can I…?” and Martha was basically like “NAWL!” iHOLLERED. I’ma need her to moderate the Presidential debate. She held this one DOWN.

Poor Paul. He prolly went home and turned off all the lights to have a GOOD cry afterwards. His eyes were all watery on that stage. But maybe that’s because he was drinking water like he was in an invisible contest. I mean DAMB! Why was Paulie so parched last night? I KNOW he had run to the bathroom afterwards.

Joe and Paul’s performances can really be broken down to the last 10 minutes of the debate when Martha Raddatz outright asked them how their faiths affects their beliefs about abortion. She turned to Paul Ryan first and he actually gulped, paused and looked like Bambi when his mama died. He was LOST in the sauce. And in that moment, I thought “is he surprised he was asked this? Didn’t they tell him it was a major issue?” Paul was NOT ready to answer it. Over there sweating like Christina Aguilera as she squeezes herself into one of those bodycon dresses that are no longer her size. He looked like he wanted to disappear for a second. Like:

Hiding homer bush gif

So he talked about how he’s pro-life because of “science.” And I like cupcakes because they’re delicious. WHAT are you talmbout, sir??? Bless his heart as he stumbled all up through the question. All I got out of it was that him and his wife nicknamed their first born “Bean” because she was in that shape when they went for their first ultrasound. “Bean” is better than “embryo” so I’ll take it. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China, Paul???

When Joe answered the question, he talked about how his Catholic faith is important to him but he can’t impose those pro-life beliefs on anyone. Deacon Biden took the moment to PREACH about how he doesn’t think government should be telling women what to do with their bodies. I wanted to throw my white usher board glove at the TV. SPEAK ON IT! Hear that, people without uteri (and the state of Arizona)??? Stay out of the wombs of women! Sincerely, the Legion of Women Everywhere.

Paul Ryan brought a mechanical pencil to a battle of wits when Joe Biden brought an AK-47. You don’t come to a war of wisdom with cotton balls when your opponent brought hand grenades.
Paul prolly went and got a lacefront last night after this debate because Joe don snatched ALL. HIS. EDGES. Damb.

Frenchie Davis TweetYup. Joe Biden is 69 years old and doesn’t have any dambs left to give about folks’ feelings. And I’m here for him.

After the debate, some folks were talmbout how Joe Biden was being too aggressive for interrupting Paul Ryan and laughing at him. PSHT! Mitt Romney did the same thing to President Obama and folks called that being “assertive.” NAWL. No country for these semantics. Joe DID THAT! And anybody who says it was a draw is a foolass fool who uses Pink Oil Lotion on their eyebrows. (-__-)

So whatcha’ll think of the debates?

—————

BTW, off the topic but I’ve been nominated for a Women’s Media Center social media award! I’m so honored and stuff but I need your help to win. Please vote for a goon HERE!

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41 Comments

  1. October 12, 2012 at 11:13 am — Reply

    I heart you. That is all.

    • Sharon
      October 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm — Reply

      What Raya said, you TOTALLY live up to the name Awsomely and we do heart you, Luvvie. :)

    • October 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm — Reply

      And I heart you both! :-D

  2. October 12, 2012 at 11:17 am — Reply

    But why have I been stalking your site for this post?! Lol…there is no way that the debate was a draw, Joe SLAYED him!

  3. Melody
    October 12, 2012 at 11:21 am — Reply

    “Over there sweating like Christina Aguilera as she squeezes herself into one of those bodycon dresses that are no longer her size.”

    This made me laugh so damn hard

  4. Stephanie
    October 12, 2012 at 11:24 am — Reply

    Welpy McWelpington III!!!! I wish you knew how much you brighten up my day!!

    • Anna
      October 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm — Reply

      YAAAAAS. my new fave phrase.

  5. October 12, 2012 at 11:34 am — Reply

    When it comes to Paul Ryan and his malarkey, Joe Biden will not deal and I am on his team! Not only did he murk, slay, and treat, he also deserves a Colgate endorsement. Go, Joe!

    • Akua
      October 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm — Reply

      Colgate endorsement! Yessss! My friends and I were all discussing how he has the most expressive teeth ever.

  6. October 12, 2012 at 11:36 am — Reply

    The amount of shade Joe threw at Young Ryan should be illegal! I was just waiting for him to turn to Young Ryan and shout… “Now who ‘gon check me boo?!”

    Hugs and Mocha,
    Stesha

  7. BE
    October 12, 2012 at 11:39 am — Reply

    Look here, lady, am gonna need a warning next time you gonna post a picture like that. Lolol. I had planned on going back to bed and everything. You owe me about 2 hours of sleep.

  8. Denise
    October 12, 2012 at 11:51 am — Reply

    How bout I was stalking your page too cause I KNEW we were on the same page with this one. I bought snacks and errythang but the wig snatching was so epic, I couldn’t even stop to open the bag.

  9. Christie
    October 12, 2012 at 11:54 am — Reply

    It’s a good thing I don’t know guys in my real life because you
    make me cackle alla damb times. I talk about Luvvie’s site like I know her ’cause this is all the truths; she says all the stuff you want to say but don’t and I am here for it!

  10. anitra
    October 12, 2012 at 11:55 am — Reply

    Biden is that dude.

  11. Kishan
    October 12, 2012 at 11:56 am — Reply

    Actually I’ve always thought Paul Ryan looks like The Gollum from ROTR… You know, “My PRECIOUSSSSSSSS…”

    • Stace
      October 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm — Reply

      LOL…I thought late night info-mercial host, if this presidential thing doesnt work out. I can definitely see him selling shamwows.

  12. BE
    October 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    Didn’t see the link to vote

  13. Aisha
    October 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm — Reply

    haha you’re hilarious!

    And that moment when Biden looks at the ceiling as if to say, “AWW LORDY”

  14. Lalarochelle
    October 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm — Reply

    I think Paulie was playing his own drinking game on stage called “drink when you get caught lying”…he probably thought based on the last debate he’d be ok. Little did he know Uncle Joe was the college old head who invented the game

  15. Akua
    October 12, 2012 at 12:15 pm — Reply

    Luvvie, this post was everything. That is all.

  16. CHAOTIC_ONE
    October 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm — Reply

    I just laughed so damn hard at work people ran in my office to see what was funny and was alarmed when i was alone…..The republicans should have known better because Joe let them know ” This is a big F-ing Deal!” and he is not the one to try!

  17. October 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm — Reply

    Speak the truth and shame the devil!!! Gurl you said that! I’m gone to vote for ya right now.

  18. Margaret
    October 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm — Reply

    I just KNEW that Uncle Joe was seconds away from cussing Ryan out lol. I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for it hahahahaha

  19. Charlotte
    October 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm — Reply

    Joe Biden threw so much shade I had to go out and buy 5 new lamps! I was ready to throw a James Brown cape over his shoulders at the end of the debate.

  20. October 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm — Reply

    “He prolly went home and turned off all the lights to have a GOOD cry afterwards.”

    I had to laugh out loud for this one (and that Homer Simpson photo reference). You actually made me forget I was annoyed at having to sit and wait for God knows how long at the hair salon. LOVE the foolery! :)

  21. October 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm — Reply

    The best review I have read. I thought Joey B did that thing. He gave the POTUS impetus to go in on Romney next week.

  22. Elita
    October 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm — Reply

    When Joe reminded Ryan how he sent him a letter begging for a check I about died. Check and Mate. Joe slayed and I was there for all of it.

    • October 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm — Reply

      Yes! That whole part gave me LIFE! Ryan went on for about 30 secs about the stimulus and it 5 secs for Biden to shut it down. lol
      To me, Ryan lost all credibility after that.

    • IfYouEverComeBack
      October 14, 2012 at 12:05 pm — Reply

      Man, listen I laid my burden down on that one.

  23. ac
    October 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm — Reply

    you are my favorite goon so i just voted for you!

    that comment about dobby/ryan “if Joe handed him a sock, would he be free?” got me snorting at work!!! haa haa haa lawd you are funnnnnnny luvvie!

  24. Amber
    October 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm — Reply

    Dear Luvvie,

    I absolutely love you and your site I love it so much its bookmarked lol. I am in literal tears from reading this post! You and these gifs have me laughing, you just know how to find the right ones! You’re like my bff in my head.

  25. Jay
    October 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm — Reply

    I voted but damb that last line… why? Pink lotion on their eyebrows. Why Luvvie why? I will giggle about this all night.

  26. Usually in Poor Taste
    October 12, 2012 at 9:00 pm — Reply

    Great review! AND that Homer Simpson gif talked to me, like lovers do.

  27. Mrs. Whelpy McWhelpington
    October 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm — Reply

    I’m an Awesomely Luvvie stan!!! Another on point post. Makes me LOL with every line. Love the way you string words together. This post gave me my life while sitting in the cold at my son’s anklebitters pep rally. It took me to another place…a happy place. Now Luvvie, where is your post on the 2nd epi of Scandal??? I need it in my life! LOL

    • numbah5
      October 15, 2012 at 7:23 am — Reply

      I second the request for the epi 2 of el Scandal…

      kthxbai!

  28. J. Nelson
    October 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm — Reply

    Mz Luvvie, you make me laugh, love your site almost as much as I love me some Joe!

  29. Crlsweetie
    October 14, 2012 at 5:13 pm — Reply

    Best re-cap ever….count me slayed…lol

  30. October 15, 2012 at 10:00 am — Reply

    You are amazing.

  31. […] Joe Biden Shaded and Paul Ryan Drank Lotsa Water: VP Debate Recap […]

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