Anything that postpones Scandal for a week better be worth the while, and lemme tells ya… the vice-president debate was certainly worth it. Folks were looking forward to this showdown after the less-than-exciting Presidential one, and it didn’t disappoint. I missed the first 20 minutes of it though. I actually came in right as Joe Biden was talmbout “that’s a bunch of malarkey.” I put my bag down, went “OOP!” and got myself ready for another hour of the rumble. So let’s get into it.
Upon sitting down, something dawned on me IMMEJATELY. Paul Ryan’s outchea looking like Dobby the House Elf! I mean, my GOODNESS it’s uncanny. They got the same big watery eyes and I wondered if Joe handed him a sock, would he be free? “Harry Potter is Dobby’s FRIEND!” face. I’m rude. But you know I’m right! And right after I tweeted that, @LondonBloke11 sent me this picture and all was well in the world:
You can’t sit up there and say I’m lying. YOU CAN’T! I’m rude, yes. But lying? No. (-_-)
Ennehweighs, Joe Biden spent most of the first half of the debate guffawing AT Paul Ryan’s answers and showing off his pearly whites. He also threw countless side-eyes and made it known that he wasn’t there to show couth. And I was here for it. He STAYED snatching Ryan’s wigs for spewing nonsense and made him look like a little boy who was tryna play dodgeball with the 8th graders.
Uncle Joe was straight PWNING Paul. He kept on referring to him as “my friend” which seemed to be a thinly veiled way to say “this fool here…” One of my favorite lines of his were “This recession didn’t fall from the sky. Ryan created it by voting to put two wars on a credit card.” WELPY MCWELPINGTON III! There were many times when Joe wanted to say “THE DEVIL IS A LAH!” soooo bad to Paul! I saw it in his spirit. Those times, he just cackled and smiled at the camera like “are y’all hearing this nonsense?” We heard it, Proposition Joe. We sure did.
But I gotta pay ALL THE #AMISH to Martha Raddatz, the moderator. She was the anti-Jim Lehrer and she came to play and win. And she did. She was like “I’m not gon let y’all punk me like you did Jim.” And she meant it. At one point, Joe and Paul just kept interrupting each other and finally she had enough and interrupted them both. But Paul didn’t feel like he was done so he gon say “Can I…?” and Martha was basically like “NAWL!” iHOLLERED. I’ma need her to moderate the Presidential debate. She held this one DOWN.
Poor Paul. He prolly went home and turned off all the lights to have a GOOD cry afterwards. His eyes were all watery on that stage. But maybe that’s because he was drinking water like he was in an invisible contest. I mean DAMB! Why was Paulie so parched last night? I KNOW he had run to the bathroom afterwards.
Joe and Paul’s performances can really be broken down to the last 10 minutes of the debate when Martha Raddatz outright asked them how their faiths affects their beliefs about abortion. She turned to Paul Ryan first and he actually gulped, paused and looked like Bambi when his mama died. He was LOST in the sauce. And in that moment, I thought “is he surprised he was asked this? Didn’t they tell him it was a major issue?” Paul was NOT ready to answer it. Over there sweating like Christina Aguilera as she squeezes herself into one of those bodycon dresses that are no longer her size. He looked like he wanted to disappear for a second. Like:
So he talked about how he’s pro-life because of “science.” And I like cupcakes because they’re delicious. WHAT are you talmbout, sir??? Bless his heart as he stumbled all up through the question. All I got out of it was that him and his wife nicknamed their first born “Bean” because she was in that shape when they went for their first ultrasound. “Bean” is better than “embryo” so I’ll take it. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China, Paul???
When Joe answered the question, he talked about how his Catholic faith is important to him but he can’t impose those pro-life beliefs on anyone. Deacon Biden took the moment to PREACH about how he doesn’t think government should be telling women what to do with their bodies. I wanted to throw my white usher board glove at the TV. SPEAK ON IT! Hear that, people without uteri (and the state of Arizona)??? Stay out of the wombs of women! Sincerely, the Legion of Women Everywhere.
Paul Ryan brought a mechanical pencil to a battle of wits when Joe Biden brought an AK-47. You don’t come to a war of wisdom with cotton balls when your opponent brought hand grenades.
Paul prolly went and got a lacefront last night after this debate because Joe don snatched ALL. HIS. EDGES. Damb.
Yup. Joe Biden is 69 years old and doesn’t have any dambs left to give about folks’ feelings. And I’m here for him.
After the debate, some folks were talmbout how Joe Biden was being too aggressive for interrupting Paul Ryan and laughing at him. PSHT! Mitt Romney did the same thing to President Obama and folks called that being “assertive.” NAWL. No country for these semantics. Joe DID THAT! And anybody who says it was a draw is a foolass fool who uses Pink Oil Lotion on their eyebrows. (-__-)
So whatcha’ll think of the debates?
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