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League Of Celebrities With Piss Poor Style

I’d like to believe there are some secret societies that exist, and I’m not talmbout whichever Illuminati you think Jay-Z belongs to. I’m talmbout leagues that exists for celebrities who have certain things in common. In my head, I’ve created a couple of these leagues for them. They can thank me later. And I am also willing to accept all their membership dues.

The first one is the League Of Celebrities With Piss Poor Style. The folks I’ve chosen for this club are perpetually looking like they dress in the dark, and they couldn’t put together a cute ensemble if they got paid to do it.

And yes, I get that some of them get paid to actually look terrible but that still doesn’t excuse them.

Here are 5 members of the executive board:

Nicki Minaj (President and CEO)

Our favorite Barbie (by favorite I mean the one we have to put up with on TV) clearly enjoys stepping out her house looking like a Sharpie factory exploded. I know she relishes the fact that folks need to put on BluBlockers in order to look directly at her in the daylight. Yet and still, she is on this list firmly as President.

Nicki Minaj Troll

Nicki takes color-blocking to a new level by making sure that 2 things she has on are NEVER the same color. YOU AIN’T DORA THE EXPLORER!!! BOOOOOOO!!!

And the next person on the board is her new archnemesis:

Mariah Carey (Vice-President)

Mariah is everything. Her throat was coated with unicorn tears and was touched by Saint Michael before she left Heaven. However, Mariah thinks she’s Forever 21 when she needs to go find a Rainbow and sit at the end of it (see what I did there? YOU SEE IT). I wish someone would tell Mariah that ankle-length lycra spaghetti strap dresses are for Blossom and Six, not her. She dresses like she still has Lisa Frank notebooks and trapper keepers. Her sense of style is so piss poor!

Mariah Carey Can't Dress

No ma’am.

Ain’t no reason for the tags of ALL of Mariah Carey’s clothes to say “do not iron. 30% Rayon, 40% Lycra, 30% polyurethane.” NO REASON WHATSOEVER, MRS. CANNON. You make too much money for your clothes to be looking so cheap, ma’am! You are too legendary for this!

Aretha Franklin (Parliamentarian)

Aretha is music. She IS soul. YES GAWD, pay amish to the Queen. And I do. BUT… Re-Re loves her some spaghetti strap dresses, much like Mariah. Except that when she puts them on, the straps disappear in her shoulder folds. Jesus invented sleeves so our arms could have proper support.

Aretha Franklin boobs

But her hair is LAID.

But Mama Retha don’t give no dambs. Her arms be out here flying above alla haters in her spags, and she dares folks to check her. But who gon check the Queen of Soul? Clearly not her PR team or the stylist she needs to hire. Bless her heart. Ain’t nobody say legends had to be know how to dress.

Michael Jordan (Secretary)

The man might be the greatest basketball player of all time but he can’t dress for NOTHING. Not if his life depended on it. Not if picking out a nice ensemble would win him a championship. His love of acid wash jeans won’t let him cook at all. And his suits make Steve Harvey’s look demure and classic.

Michael Jordan can't dress

Same way everyone else looked when they saw your #alphet, MJ.

The fact that this jacket is almost touching the floor as MJ is sitting is proof that it’s too damb long. And the man is 6’6. His blazer is bout to mop the floor and no one knows why. And the random olive pants with the jacket? I don’t understand.

Michael Jordan dresses like everyone’s tacky uncle. The one who has a short set w/ a matching bucket hat in every color.

There’s even a Tumblr blog dedicated to Michael Jordan’s piss poor sense of style. It’s called What The F*** is Michael Jordan Wearing? and it rocks my socks. MJ can hit a 3 in the clutch but picking an outfit that makes sense? The clock would run out. WOMP.

“MJ dresses like Malcolm X did before he found Allah.”@ThePBG

LMAO!

Will.I.Am (Treasurer)

This dude went to an awards show looking like a personification of the BP oil spill, so he is necessary on this list. Will.I.Am makes sure he’s extra in everything he does, and his way of dress is not excused from this. In fact, I’m convinced he wakes up with the sole purpose of making people go “Ok WTH is that?” Him AND Nicki, actually. I bet they have dance offs to figure out who’s the tackier dresser. They both lose.

Will.I.Am and Nicki Minaj

Girl. Ok. I guess they both match to the beats of their own wonky drums. O__O

Well, I’m the one losing. All these people got money. Maybe I need to be dressing in the dark and stepping out my house looking like I live in Dora the Explorer’s world. I might be hustling backwards by dressing well. Womp.

Ennehweighs, who else should be invited to the next meeting of League Of Celebrities With Piss Poor Style? Who needs to be on the executive board too? Tell a G.

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33 Comments

  1. Emti
    October 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm — Reply

    What happened to Jaheim?

    • October 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm — Reply

      I said CELEBRITIES! ZING! HIYOOOOO! BadumTSS! :-D

      • Stephanie
        October 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm — Reply

        Welp!!!!!

      • Maxine Shaw
        October 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm — Reply

        Well damb!

  2. October 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm — Reply

    So you just NOT gonna add lil Kim & Foxy??? They stay on some WTF shit….

    • October 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm — Reply

      I will CLEARLY need to do a round 2 for them.

  3. October 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm — Reply

    Helena Bonham-Carter
    Lil Wayne
    The Olson Twins
    Coco
    Chris Brown
    Lady GaGa (she is still the blame for Nicki Minaj)

    • bicthandinthatorder
      October 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm — Reply

      I agree and that pic of the queen with her chesticles slayed me. Honarable mention erykah badu.

    • IfYouEverComeBack
      October 9, 2012 at 10:39 am — Reply

      hey leave Helena Bonham-Carter alone, okay. that woman can do no wrong in my book. Also she is married to Tim Burton, so they live in their own little Gothic world, so it works. LMAO! Besides if you add her, then you have to add Johnny Depp too

      • IfYouEverComeBack
        October 9, 2012 at 10:39 am — Reply

        sorry not legally married

  4. October 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm — Reply

    Will.i.am

    Is that negro in blackface???

    • TMaryMack
      October 9, 2012 at 2:13 pm — Reply

      this made me giggle.

  5. MK
    October 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm — Reply

    Lil Wayne needs to be on this list, maybe as Parliamentarian or Sgt-at-Arms.

  6. Ike
    October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm — Reply

    Nobody’s mentioned Lauryn Hill? Or are felons disqualified?

  7. KayMac
    October 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm — Reply

    I know this one isn’t as bad as, say, Will.i.am, but I’ve seen a few pics of Tyson Chandler stepping out in some leather crop pants and some red boots and I’m looking at him like “Chile, come on nah!!!”

  8. AI
    October 8, 2012 at 3:44 pm — Reply

    Azaelia Banks.

    • Dyma
      October 8, 2012 at 5:37 pm — Reply

      Please keep Ms. Banks outta of the No Slander Zone lmao

  9. tayec
    October 8, 2012 at 9:12 pm — Reply

    What about Cee-Lo? He rocks some questionable #alphets sometimes.

  10. larenee10
    October 8, 2012 at 9:14 pm — Reply

    Malcolm X pre-Allah SLAYED… I am weak with laughter.

  11. October 8, 2012 at 10:33 pm — Reply

    Tears. Tears. Tears. *gets pump ’cause I started wheezing* Dead with laugh. @larence10 is right…”weak with laughter”. Dead again.

  12. Tiffany
    October 8, 2012 at 10:46 pm — Reply

    2 Chainz. Clearly he’s been pledging.

    • naturalista88
      October 8, 2012 at 11:23 pm — Reply

      He is such a damn bamma.

  13. Ladycakes
    October 9, 2012 at 6:31 am — Reply

    Those spaghetti straps are under that presidential strain. Lawd Jesus. Speaking of bad dressed celebrities that model Jessica somethingother she dresses TURRIBLE. Always out and about looking like an unfinished fabric pattern.

  14. October 9, 2012 at 6:43 am — Reply

    OH LAWD!!!! #ICANT

  15. That Dude
    October 9, 2012 at 11:44 am — Reply

    ReRe has too much dayum chesticles to be held in by those itty bitty straps — about to cause a wardrobe malfunction AND take out someone’s eye…Lawd

    • emti
      October 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm — Reply

      rere is not in danger of taking out anyone’s eye…her foot maybe but not an eye

  16. Shonte
    October 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm — Reply

    I am probably going to go to hell, but I would like to very RESPECTFULLY and remorsefully have Michael Jackson. I love that man’s dirty drawers, but that shit he used to put on TOP of his drawers??? Uhhhhmmmmm.

    • Shonte
      October 9, 2012 at 2:08 pm — Reply

      *have Michael Jackson added

  17. That Dude
    October 10, 2012 at 8:55 am — Reply

    Why does Michael Jordan not have anything that fits him? He was never 400 pounds, so why is he dressing like a Biggest Loser winner who hasn’t bought a new wardrobe? All that money & can’t find a good tailor?

  18. bee
    October 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm — Reply

    “a personification of the BP oil spill” #DeadandGone.

  19. […] I am your people, and I’m not here for this. Y’all are 40+ years old. Your lyrics are like Mariah Carey’s outfits – 15 years too damb young. Do some grown man stuff. Fat Joe – teach Rick Ross how to […]

  20. July 21, 2013 at 10:51 pm — Reply

    It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button!

    I’d without a doubt donate to this excellent blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
    I look forward to new updates and will talk about this
    blog with my Facebook group. Chat soon!

  21. Demon Jones
    July 26, 2013 at 12:59 pm — Reply

    “YES GAWD, pay amish to the Queen” REALLY! REALLY!

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