I’d like to believe there are some secret societies that exist, and I’m not talmbout whichever Illuminati you think Jay-Z belongs to. I’m talmbout leagues that exists for celebrities who have certain things in common. In my head, I’ve created a couple of these leagues for them. They can thank me later. And I am also willing to accept all their membership dues.
The first one is the League Of Celebrities With Piss Poor Style. The folks I’ve chosen for this club are perpetually looking like they dress in the dark, and they couldn’t put together a cute ensemble if they got paid to do it.
And yes, I get that some of them get paid to actually look terrible but that still doesn’t excuse them.
Here are 5 members of the executive board:
Nicki Minaj (President and CEO)
Our favorite Barbie (by favorite I mean the one we have to put up with on TV) clearly enjoys stepping out her house looking like a Sharpie factory exploded. I know she relishes the fact that folks need to put on BluBlockers in order to look directly at her in the daylight. Yet and still, she is on this list firmly as President.
Nicki takes color-blocking to a new level by making sure that 2 things she has on are NEVER the same color. YOU AIN’T DORA THE EXPLORER!!! BOOOOOOO!!!
And the next person on the board is her new archnemesis:
Mariah Carey (Vice-President)
Mariah is everything. Her throat was coated with unicorn tears and was touched by Saint Michael before she left Heaven. However, Mariah thinks she’s Forever 21 when she needs to go find a Rainbow and sit at the end of it (see what I did there? YOU SEE IT). I wish someone would tell Mariah that ankle-length lycra spaghetti strap dresses are for Blossom and Six, not her. She dresses like she still has Lisa Frank notebooks and trapper keepers. Her sense of style is so piss poor!
Ain’t no reason for the tags of ALL of Mariah Carey’s clothes to say “do not iron. 30% Rayon, 40% Lycra, 30% polyurethane.” NO REASON WHATSOEVER, MRS. CANNON. You make too much money for your clothes to be looking so cheap, ma’am! You are too legendary for this!
Aretha Franklin (Parliamentarian)
Aretha is music. She IS soul. YES GAWD, pay amish to the Queen. And I do. BUT… Re-Re loves her some spaghetti strap dresses, much like Mariah. Except that when she puts them on, the straps disappear in her shoulder folds. Jesus invented sleeves so our arms could have proper support.
But Mama Retha don’t give no dambs. Her arms be out here flying above alla haters in her spags, and she dares folks to check her. But who gon check the Queen of Soul? Clearly not her PR team or the stylist she needs to hire. Bless her heart. Ain’t nobody say legends had to be know how to dress.
Michael Jordan (Secretary)
The man might be the greatest basketball player of all time but he can’t dress for NOTHING. Not if his life depended on it. Not if picking out a nice ensemble would win him a championship. His love of acid wash jeans won’t let him cook at all. And his suits make Steve Harvey’s look demure and classic.
The fact that this jacket is almost touching the floor as MJ is sitting is proof that it’s too damb long. And the man is 6’6. His blazer is bout to mop the floor and no one knows why. And the random olive pants with the jacket? I don’t understand.
Michael Jordan dresses like everyone’s tacky uncle. The one who has a short set w/ a matching bucket hat in every color.
There’s even a Tumblr blog dedicated to Michael Jordan’s piss poor sense of style. It’s called What The F*** is Michael Jordan Wearing? and it rocks my socks. MJ can hit a 3 in the clutch but picking an outfit that makes sense? The clock would run out. WOMP.
“MJ dresses like Malcolm X did before he found Allah.” – @ThePBG
This dude went to an awards show looking like a personification of the BP oil spill, so he is necessary on this list. Will.I.Am makes sure he’s extra in everything he does, and his way of dress is not excused from this. In fact, I’m convinced he wakes up with the sole purpose of making people go “Ok WTH is that?” Him AND Nicki, actually. I bet they have dance offs to figure out who’s the tackier dresser. They both lose.
Girl. Ok. I guess they both match to the beats of their own wonky drums. O__O
Well, I’m the one losing. All these people got money. Maybe I need to be dressing in the dark and stepping out my house looking like I live in Dora the Explorer’s world. I might be hustling backwards by dressing well. Womp.
Ennehweighs, who else should be invited to the next meeting of League Of Celebrities With Piss Poor Style? Who needs to be on the executive board too? Tell a G.
Sites That Link to this Post
- Dear Old Rappers: Quit trying to be brand new | I Am Your People | October 24, 2012