Whose Stingy Ponytail is This?

[ 52 ] October 21, 2012 |

Ok look. Everyone ain’t meant to have long flowing, luxurious hair. This is why Jesus invented weave. For those who want long hair without the hassle. Yes, He did. Look in the book of Yakiastes. It’s right there.

But there’s nothing wrong with short hair. Especially when the person who has it knows that. Now, below is someone who does NOT know it. And see what happens when denial takes over.

Stingy Ponytail

O_____________O Ma’am. Madame. Mademoiselle. You sat there and put this 1 inch of hair you had into a ponytail. And when it did end up in the rubberband, she didn’t mind ONE bit that it looks like a paintbrush. Or even better, an eye shadow brush. Is that MAC brush 46? I’m saying. This ponytail is so damb stingy. I bet kids call her “bald-head scallywag” in school. Do kids still say scallywag? Prolly not. O_O

And let’s not e’em talk about how PARCHED the hair is. GAHT! Her coif looks like they hay in the middle of the barn. Just twiggy and dry for life. I wanna spray some extra virgin olive oil on her whole head so she can moisturize her situation. Her segzy is HELLA compromised when she’s walking around with hair that looks like burnt matches.

I know how she got to where she is today though. By perming her hair within an inch of its weak ass life at home without e’em tryna act like there’s instructions on the box. This is what happens when you decide “oh I can do it by myself” or “my mama who is also bald can do it for me.” It pays to go to a licensed cosmetologist, y’all!

So yeah, which one of your cousins is this? And why didn’t one of y’all try to tell her that when your ponytail looks like a paintbrush soaked in nail polish remover, you might wanna chill on it. Chile… WOMP. Homegirl tried it. (-__o)

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Comments (52)

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  1. naturalista88 says:

    The book of Yakiastes? Oh Luvvie, what we gone do w/you girl? *lmao*

  2. Meiqua S. says:

    OMG!!!! I am literally LMAO!!! I shared this with my sister who is also a licensed cosmetologist and I’m sure she would’ve said the exact same thing… #FAIL

  3. MsZ says:

    Girl stop!! Stingy ponytail? Her head look like the dollar store Barbie doll that got a hair cut with the little kid scissors when we were little!! Oooh! Imma go to bed now. Goodnight Madame!

  4. MsBstar says:

    iQUIT you Luvvie!!!! BlackJesus take me home.
    I swear you are my blogging hero!! *puts hand on the book of Yakiastes*

  5. Shannicia says:

    First off, I’m tellin MAC u insulted their brand that way…

    Secondly, Luvvie, we all know this job ain’t take more than her index & thumb….

    she needa take the rest of her fingers, use em to pull out a chair, and have a swift saddown. Cause NO!!! -_-

    • Luvvie says:

      First of all, no snitching Shannicia! Shoo…

      And secondly, you know it took everything in her power to be able to gather her weak strands into this ponytail. lol she was prolly in the mirror for a GOOD 45 mins!

  6. BE says:

    Lmao…two ponies read this, looked at each other and said “chile…our tails DO NOT look like this…so ummm…Yeah”

    But I have questions though. Is her hair *term used veryyyy loosely* transitioning? Is she over due for a perm? Does she need an app to find the nearest salon?

  7. LB says:

    Yer Mostest Awesomelynisess,
    I’m more wonderin’ … why did anyone’s take a digital image of it an’ then post it up somewheres for the whole wlly wonka wide world to see?
    When I did that’s to my baby-girl’s hair I put a hat on it!
    L “Heir Stylist Su-preme” B

  8. LB says:

    That’s “willy”
    as in … “my willy is runnin’ wild an’ free” … OH NEVAMIND!

  9. Missthg says:

    Luvvie….I.am.dead at the book of Yakiastese! I couldn’t read no more. The fit of laughter you sent me into just plain did me in. Good nights ! Closing iPad nah!

  10. Siddy says:

    I have a confession……

    I took a picture of somebody with this same kind of pony, er, tail on the train on my way home tonight. And all while I was taking it I was thinking, wth is that and how badly did your fingers cramp trying to pull that together? o_O

    • Luvvie says:

      People need friends who will tell them the truth. Like “your hair is full of struggle.” If they had honest folks around them, maybe they’ll rethink hair like this.

      • Rachmo says:

        I was proud of myself as I held it together rather well while reading this post at work. But, “your hair is full of struggle…” yeah I’ll just look for a new job.

  11. Tiffany A says:

    “Look in the book of Yakiastes. It’s right there.” I can’t breathe!!! How you gone stop me from reading the first half paragraph.


    ….Im speechless….

  13. She dead ass gathered that teaspoon of hair and made them bind together with cordssssssss that cannot be broooo – oken.

  14. KayMac says:

    I swear, I almost fell out at each paragraph…hair looking like hay in the middle of the barn, though? LAWDT!!! #Deceased…and lemme go grab some MLK fans as you read from the book of Yakiastes…LMMFAO!!!

  15. Maven says:

    Girl. The book of Yakiastes! Yes GAWD. You did that. Cackling. My coworkers stay wondering what I’m laughing at. A mess! And I love it!

  16. SquarerootZ says:

    I saw what you did right there. You called her hair “Hay in The Middle of the Barn”. Her #strugglelocks are “Crucial Conflict”.

  17. How did she get it in a pony tail. That’s what I want to know.

  18. “hair looking like hay in the middle of the barn”…..tell my mama I love her….

  19. CHAOTIC_ONE says:

    I want to win somebody’s Youtube weave giveaway asap!

  20. paintgurl40 says:

    wow!! that hair looks like it’s thirsty as hell…

    • CHAOTIC_ONE says:

      Ikr….I know using alot of products isnt good but you cant just refuse to use any…and i think she needs so amp up the amount of water she drinks because this has alot to do with the health of your hair

  21. AddieNYC says:

    Hah! I seriously saw ponytails just like this all through high school and always wondered, “Why”?
    I had no idea people were still doing it though…
    poor thing…

  22. RozB says:

    My most urgent question is why does the skin on her neck look like ashy elephant knees?

    Plus, the hair that did not catch just looks so ANGRY!

    Now when I hear “bald-headed reindeer games” I have a visual to place with it.

  23. MimiLuvs says:

    I had to walk away from my laptop after I saw the picture of Sweet Pea. I was so irritated.
    On the long list of my pet peeves, the “Treasure Troll’s Tuft Ponytail” is in my top twenty. It is underneath “Bad B.O. having men” and right above “A**holes waiting at the green light”.
    I hate witnessing that follicle oxymoron and I see it on a day-to-day basis. The worse is when I see the triple-T.P. on a woman at a nightclub/bar/concert/job interview/in public/during the daylight hours. The thought ‘Couldn’t they just utilized a hand brush, some water, a gallon-jar of brown hair gel and make the Helmet? Or a poor attempt at finger waves?’
    Whatever happen to downplaying your weaknesses and highlighting your strengths?

  24. Sunny says:

    Looking at the picture and reading the comments made me a little sad. I usualy enjoy it very much. Yes this woman needs help and knowledge and maybe there isn’t anyone around to give it to her. We are not all born with the cuteness. My aunt wears wigs and she pulls her hair back like this sometimes when she can’t find the skullcap.
    I also know a woman who had all her hair fall out because of cancer treatment. At one point she had it in one of these pixie knots and was proud it had grown so long.
    I can’t judge you or anyone else – hell I’m still figuring out how to work with my own natural hair, but if it was me I would rather hae someone tell me how to fix the problem instead of teasing me about it.

  25. Liz says:

    I laughed soooooo hard at this that I literally cried! I couldn’t finish reading it! I had to read it in two parts because I just cold not finish it the first time….. LAWD this was funny. You are an awesome writer!

  26. makhosi says:

    I really hope that she doesn’t cough*bites fist*

  27. Elle says:

    looks like she needs to just start fresh…

  28. LaShanda says:

    New reader here! Where has this website been all of my life? Luuvie, you sound like you would be my bestest friend eva!!!

    Girl, this post took me back to 1996 when Crucial Conflict smoked on hay in the middle of the barn! You ain’t right, girl! Keep this awesomeness up!!


  29. QueenB says:

    got damn mercy on her soul and her head somebody buy her some do grow cause her hair do need to grow #thestrugglsisreal

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