Why I’m No Longer About That Black Friday Life
Black Friday is upon us, and I am spending it on my couch. The only thing that might make me leave the house today is because I feel like going to IHOP for their incredible caramel hot chocolate. Besides that, catch me in my pajamas. I am over Black Friday and I no longer participate in the madness. I have my reasons and they are below.
Been there. Done that. – I used to be a Black Friday fiend. Yes, I was one of those folks who would check out sales papers weeks in advance and then plot with my friends which stores we need to hit up. One year, me and my girl Kindred decided that we needed to hit up the Aurora Outlet Mall for Black Friday. We wanted ALL the door-busters. She picked me up at 11pm on Thanksgiving night. The mall is one hour away. Wanna guess what time we got there? FOUR A.M. 4am. FOUR IN THE GAHTDAMB MORNING. It took us 5 hours to make a 1 hour trip. Why? Because EVERYONE had the same idea we did. The gridlock on the highway was so tight that some folks decided to get out their cars and walk to the mall. And they made it there faster than we did. O___o
We did this. And when I tell you I don’t e’em remember what I bought, please believe me. What was so serious to warrant this hellish trek? I have no clue. And once we got to the mall, we had to stand in lines. Which leads me to another reason why I’m not about that Black Friday life.
I don’t do lines. – I hate standing in lines. And I mean HATE. I realize that no one is like “I love lines” but I REALLY abhor them. It’s because I don’t have the patience and get bored easily. I am not going to sit in one spot for 12 hours unless I’m on an international flight. And even then, I can get up and walk around. These Black Friday store lines are ridiculous. Some people have secured that space for like 12 hours. I am Sweet Brown to that. Ain’t nobody got TAHM for it!
I don’t do well with cold weather. – It’s November in Chicago. Doing Black Friday means I’ll be in the cold a lot. This lake wind ain’t bout to take me out as I store crawl. NO MA’AM. It’s too cold for all’at. And I can’t imagine the people who are in lines outside in the weather. That is the “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest” level of madness.
I don’t like crowds of people. – I don’t have agoraphobia nor am I claustrophobic. I’m just becoming more of a jerk as I grow up. I don’t like
too many people huge crowds. When I turn around and there are people EVERYWHERE around and I have to plot my way out using Google Maps, I get annoyed. Going into a store on Black Friday is like playing the computer game “Snake.” You try not to run into anyone but it’s hard. It just makes me wanna start windmilling like LEMME OUT! So no. Plus the threat of this:
It’s better for my wallet. – Black Friday’s ONLY point is to get people to spend a lot of money on things they don’t need but think they want. And this money isn’t just $20. NAWL. Black Friday will make you think you REALLY need a 63″ TV just because it’s on sale for the LOW LOW price of $156.76. And of course you need a deep freezer. You could ALWAYS store more meats! Besides, it’s only $204.32! It’s a STEAL! It’s a gadget geek’s wet dream. And I love gadgets. One BF, I bought a printer, 2 webcams, iPod touch and a toaster. All from BestBuy. Just because. O_O
Me refusing to participate in this Black Friday will save me lots of money. Ok well, not really. I’ll be buying stuff online. Speaking of…
Retailers are offering dope deals online (before Cyber Monday). – Going out at midnight to hit Black Friday door buster sales used to be necessary if you want to catch deals. Now? Not so much. A bunch of retailers are offering online Black Friday deals that are the same or comparable as their store sales. And they’re doing free shipping. So why go through all the above hassle when I can just order what I want for the deal while sitting in my pajamas and eating leftovers?
WalMart ruined it. – Let’s face it. WalMart has become the nuisance of Black Friday. The devil hopscotches in their stores across the country. This store was already KNOWN for having some of the most ruthless shoppers. People have DIED shopping there because they’ve been trampled. Babies have had their heads stepped on by people waiting to get that laptop that’s on sale for $358.23. DIED. For deals. If you die at Walmart on Black Friday, you’ll get to Heaven and St. Peter is waiting to shake his head at you. Chile… y’all can have it.
And this year, they’re being the douchiest of bags by having BF start at 8pm on Thanksgiving. So they forced employees to come to work instead of enjoy time with their families. The employees they’re paying about $125 a week. Gahtdamb WalMart.
I’m not about that life at all. If I wanna get trampled, I’d go to the bull run in Spain. But no shade to those who are partaking in Black Friday. Tell me what you bought so I can live vicariously through you! Did y’all do it this year? Why or why not?
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