It’s no secret that America’s fat. The country survives on a diet of sugar with a side of carbs and dessert of deep fried butter (I’m looking at you, Paula Deen). And chicken. That part is important. We musn’t forget about chicken.
Now, this slow death brought to us by our food is something most folks seem to accept sitting down. Literally sitting down. We’re also clearly not exercising much. I mean really. The fattier the food, the better. So I was kinda happy when I heard that there might be a pork shortage happening soon. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of looking out for us as a people. Maybe the Earth is all “listen. I’ma intervene by somehow having less pigs to these folks will stuff themselves less.” Aww Mother Earth be caring sometimes.
But a lot of that is probably because I don’t eat pork so I’m not a baconhead. I recognize this bias in me. Because if there was a chicken shortage, do believe I’d be somewhere crying into my couch.
Yes! You better cry into them cushions and lament the thought of no chicken! Shoo.
Anyway. Bacon doe. Here’s the thing. I’m not opposed to folks loving bacon. What I’m against is folks doing the most ratchet things with bacon. Because apparently, it’s way too awesome to stand alone, fried and full of salt. NAWL. BACON GOTTA BE WRAPPED AROUND THINGS! Like corn dogs. And whole chickens. We also need to put it on ice cream because it’s just not fatty enough by itself! And after we’re done, we need to put bacon bits in our pasta. And drink bacon milkshakes!
I thought those were bad enough. Until I saw:
Bacon fried cinnamon rolls. BACON. FRIED. CINNAMON. ROLLS.
PEOPLE. STOP THE MADNESS. Just retire it. WUT? Who was the person who thought of this? Y’all were roasting me for wanting red velvet fried chicken (sharrap! that sounds delicious) but this takes the cake and the icing. Bacon wrapped around cinnamon rolls and then deep fried??? That is a heart attack in a bowl!
On a scale of 0 to Rick Rawse, how many calories is that? Whooo… I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at this picture. I’ma go take a sip of water and hope none of youse goes to eat it. If so, I’m snitching on you with Erika of Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss. She’s the Fairy Godmother of Snatching Wigs for Terrible Foods.
Let’s not do this to our bodies, y’all. This is nassy.
So are any of you gon make some? If you are, can I call your doctor and snitch on you? Cuz… O_______O