Random

This is What I Call Deep-Fried Heart Attack

It’s no secret that America’s fat. The country survives on a diet of sugar with a side of carbs and dessert of deep fried butter (I’m looking at you, Paula Deen). And chicken. That part is important. We musn’t forget about chicken.

Now, this slow death brought to us by our food is something most folks seem to accept sitting down. Literally sitting down. We’re also clearly not exercising much. I mean really. The fattier the food, the better. So I was kinda happy when I heard that there might be a pork shortage happening soon. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of looking out for us as a people. Maybe the Earth is all “listen. I’ma intervene by somehow having less pigs to these folks will stuff themselves less.” Aww Mother Earth be caring sometimes.

But a lot of that is probably because I don’t eat pork so I’m not a baconhead. I recognize this bias in me. Because if there was a chicken shortage, do believe I’d be somewhere crying into my couch.

Couch Cry

Yes! You better cry into them cushions  and lament the thought of no chicken! Shoo.

Anyway. Bacon doe. Here’s the thing. I’m not opposed to folks loving bacon. What I’m against is folks doing the most ratchet things with bacon. Because apparently, it’s way too awesome to stand alone, fried and full of salt. NAWL. BACON GOTTA BE WRAPPED AROUND THINGS! Like corn dogs. And whole chickens. We also need to put it on ice cream because it’s just not fatty enough by itself! And after we’re done, we need to put bacon bits in our pasta. And drink bacon milkshakes!

I thought those were bad enough. Until I saw:

Bacon fried cinnamon rolls

Bacon fried cinnamon rolls. BACON. FRIED. CINNAMON. ROLLS.

PEOPLE. STOP THE MADNESS. Just retire it. WUT? Who was the person who thought of this? Y’all were roasting me for wanting red velvet fried chicken (sharrap! that sounds delicious) but this takes the cake and the icing. Bacon wrapped around cinnamon rolls and then deep fried??? That is a heart attack in a bowl!

On a scale of 0 to Rick Rawse, how many calories is that? Whooo… I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at this picture. I’ma go take a sip of water and hope none of youse goes to eat it. If so, I’m snitching on you with Erika of Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss. She’s the Fairy Godmother of Snatching Wigs for Terrible Foods.

Let’s not do this to our bodies, y’all. This is nassy.

So are any of you gon make some? If you are, can I call your doctor and snitch on you? Cuz… O_______O

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30 Comments

  1. BE
    November 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm — Reply

    Oh my arteries!!! Time to get into the funeral home business. About to start getting buku customers.

  2. November 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm — Reply

    Thought I’d heard it all with bacon-maple donuts. Guess I was wrong. Seriously so.

    • Trina
      November 2, 2012 at 6:35 pm — Reply

      Ha. I just saw this you must have been to Voodoo.

  3. F_Mlicious
    November 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm — Reply

    Hell no. I was watching a documentary on candy (yes I know major side eye), but they interviewed this guy in the UK who deep fried candy bars and a Big Mac

  4. warrior11209
    November 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm — Reply

    What the heck? I am going to have to go for a run after just reading about that mess!!
    People pls get a grip

  5. Toodliscious
    November 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm — Reply

    *licks bacon grease and krispy kreme glaze from fingers*

    Say what now?

  6. Gina
    November 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm — Reply

    oh, if you think this is bad you need to come to the State Fair of Texas. Deep Fried EVERYTHING. Seriously. These cinnamon rolls were featured this year. We also had deep fried jambalaya & deep fried red velvet cupcakes. :/

    • MsZ
      November 1, 2012 at 7:53 pm — Reply

      **hand raised** Um, how does one deep fry jambalaya? Now, I love me some bacon, but not to these extremes. Gimme some bacon on a burger or sammich. Gimme bacon with grits and eggs. Gimme bacon just because, but please do not wrap my bacon around a cinnamon roll. Thank you.

      • Gina
        November 1, 2012 at 8:33 pm — Reply

        *shrugs* I have no idea. They did it. I ate it….and it was good. o_O

  7. Natasha
    November 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm — Reply

    I was watching TV this morning and they showed a clip of Paula Deen making a loaded twice-baked potato (cream cheese, melted butter drizzled lovingly over the top, slices of fried pork chops nestled on top) that she then dropped in the deep fryer!!! I got up and did some exercise right then and there to counteract all the fat that was flowing from the TV to my arteries!

  8. November 1, 2012 at 6:46 pm — Reply

    Ha! I’m not gonna lie; these look dope. Perhaps I’d be a dope to eat them considering I already had a heart attack…….but they look like the perfect combination of sweet, salty, and crunchy. Where can I get a baker’s dozen????

  9. Melissa
    November 1, 2012 at 6:46 pm — Reply

    I can’t even lie to you. I would eat those bacon wrapped cinnamon rolls with all kinds of finger licking and plate licking, then go get on my knees and praise Jesus for bringing such wonderfulness to my life, and also ask him to give me strength to go to the gym the next day.

    • Miss Hope
      November 2, 2012 at 8:26 am — Reply

      with some maple syrup on the side for dipping

      • Melissa
        November 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm — Reply

        Now you’re talking my language!

    • Kate
      November 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm — Reply

      My peoples!!!!

    • Danielle
      July 21, 2014 at 7:34 pm — Reply

      We must be family, because I’m considering this for brunch next Sunday. #yummy #Icanworkitoffatthegym

    • Tish
      July 22, 2014 at 8:45 am — Reply

      Yaaaaaaazz!!! That’s all.

  10. Shaleen
    November 1, 2012 at 7:40 pm — Reply

    I’m blaming Paula Deen for this mess! Wrapping bacon around everything.

  11. November 1, 2012 at 8:05 pm — Reply

    i love bacon – i LOVES it – but that’s it – i don’t want bacon flavored chocolate or bacon wrapped hot dogs (puke.) or bacon flavored cake or any other nastiness – i don’t want bacon crunched up in my salad or tossed in pasta – bacon is meant to be eaten alone – just bacon. now chicken? that’s some nonsense i could do without!

  12. TeeNikki
    November 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm — Reply

    I don’t understand Bacon mixed with sweet stuff. That’s nassy.

  13. Janaye
    November 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm — Reply

    I frantically SEARCHED for the Bacon Fried Cinnamon Rolls at the State Fair of Texas this year. Bacon? Cinnamon rolls? My 2 faves? Together? Oh hellz yeah! I must say that I partook in the foolery, and it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t as good as I had dreamed, because you couldn’t taste the bacon as much, but still good. Also, I got the Fried Jambalaya BOTH times that I went. IDK how it worked or who did it, but it was goodt and I have no shame. I literally don’t eat ANYTHING the day of the Fair so that I can pig out when I get there. As long as you aren’t eating like this daily, aint nothin wrong! I also generally have to detox after the Fair as well…I’m going to look for me a recipe for this Chicken Fried Bacon so I can perfect it at home. Prolly put some thick-cut Hormel around the Grands cinnamon rolls. Who gon check me?!?

    • Trina
      November 2, 2012 at 6:33 pm — Reply

      That looks sooo good, with the dipping sauce on the side, its Saturday morning on a stick. We have a place, Voodoo Doughnuts, and they have a bacon maple bar which is a thick sliced piece of bacon on a maple bar and hunty that is like dipping your bacon in maple syrup and I am here for it. Am I the only person that can make a whole pack of bacon Saturday morning and have it waiting for me to eat a piece at a time till its gone? I know its fat but I rationalize by telling myself it took me 8 hours to eat it. My love for bacon is so sincere that if a heffa ever tried to say turkey before they say bacon Im having a fit. There is no such thing as turkey bacon. That turkey breakfast meat is delish though.

  14. sadiqua
    November 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm — Reply

    I can see if they had sprinkled some bacon on top, like that bacon sundae at Burger King but… Sheesh.

  15. November 4, 2012 at 8:03 am — Reply

    Bacon and cinnamon. Sounds a bit crazy but looks so delicious!

  16. MJones
    November 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm — Reply

    My first thought was WHY?? Then I remembered that IHOP has Cinnastack pancakes, which I’ve eaten with bacon, sometimes even in the same bite. I’m a bit more understanding now.

  17. Lily
    November 8, 2012 at 10:21 pm — Reply

    Living in Australia, I did not know who this Paula Deen was, so I went Googling and was amazed.

    I searched for “Deep fried” in her recipes and look what I got!! Oh my. http://www.pauladeen.com/search/recipe_search/search&keywords=deep%20fried/

    Do people really truly eat that stuff????

  18. pup
    July 21, 2014 at 7:44 pm — Reply

    I would no doubt meet my doctor in line. Neither of us has a damb bit of shame. Nothing a pressha pill won’t fix!!

  19. StarAnise
    July 21, 2014 at 8:06 pm — Reply

    Yum! I wanna try this…just once. With that CinnaBon frosting on the side!? Chile! Judge not, lest ye be judged. Thus said The Lord. If he be without food sin cast the first biscuit! Don’t judge me. I seen somma y’all tommbout slimey snails. I ain’t judge (publicly).

  20. Silk!
    July 22, 2014 at 1:08 am — Reply

    Someone on FB posted unrolling the canned cinnamon rolls, laying in a slice of bacon, then rolling them back up and baking them.

    I did this and brought them to a meeting. They were loved. I was loved. But Frying them? Too much.

  21. FunnieBunnie
    September 19, 2014 at 8:12 pm — Reply

    That looks good to me! Like swirling your bacon in leftover pancake syrup. But then, I have bacon-flavored lip balm. :)

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