AwardsTV

My 10 Thoughts About the 2013 Golden Globe Awards

I was really excited to watch the Golden Globe Awards this year because my comedy sheros Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hosting. You cannot get a more perfect pairing than those two and I figured it’d be a good show with them at the helm. So I sat through 3 hours of the penguin show. For them. That’s love.

Golden Globes Tina Fey Amy Poehler

I have 10 thoughts on the Golden Globes. Like to hear them? Here they go.

1. The show was REALLY white. Like super. It’s not like it was surprising but my goodness that show was mostly monochromatic. It was a bunch of white folks, Don Cheadle, Ang Lee, Denzel Washington and Kerry (no relation). IT’s really jarring how in 2013, Hollywood is still this un-diverse. It’s like y’all ain’t e’em trying much, huh?

2. This show was SUPER boring. Like extra. The only reason I watched all 3 hours is because I didn’t wanna be a quitter at life. I wanted to finish what I started. But by hour 2, I was ready for it to be over. I started going to the kitchen more often and tuning it out because it was just DRAGGING. All those awards that were handed out and all the people who gave long, bland speeches has my attention span on “NAWL” with a side of “Be done already.” But the show didn’t have to be this boring. Which is why I’m disappointed. This brings me to my next point.

3. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were the only things interesting about the Golden Globes. In fact the only time the show wasn’t boring was when they were on stage. No lie. Those two WERE the show and it’s crazy how underused they were. I expected to see a lot more of them. Instead, they were onstage maybe 6 or 7 times. What gives??? They shoulda let Tina and Amy do more and present more awards. The times they were onstage, they had me cracking up non-stop. The people who say women aren’t funny should go gag on a chip because these ladies rip that idea to shreds!

Tina Fey Amy Poehler High Five gif

“Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s AMAZING in it.” – Amy Poehler

“You know what, Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son.” – Tina Fey

YESSS! I am ALWAYS here for Swift shade. ALLATAHM!

4. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I’m SO glad she didn’t win tonight, and Adele did instead. I was not looking forward to seeing her terrible fake “OMG DID I WIN ANOTHER AWARD?” face. But let’s talk about the look on her face when Adele was called. Homegirl was saltier than a bag of Lay’s potato chips. TUCK IN YOUR SALTY, TAYLOR!

Adele Taylor Swift Golden Globes Gif

5. Lena Dunham is the most awkward child. And didn’t anyone tell her to put a little bit of effort into her look? She was at the awards looking like she smelled like day old bread. Plus, she couldn’t walk in her heels. She shoulda just put on some Chucks like she know she wanted to. But it seems that the entire cast of Girls musta made a pact to come to the awards looking as average as the possibly can. When they were all on stage together, I was all “But yall looking like you’re going down to Walgreens, not the Golden Globes.” But hey. They’re award winners so who gon check them?

6. Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig were the best presenters. In a show full of awkward dialogues between presenters and terrible chemistry between pairs, Will and Kristen stood out. They were hilarity personified. Those two got on stage and slayed everyone for 4 minutes and I loved it! In fact, they should have them host it next year. And actually use them. O_O

Kristen-Wiig-Will-Ferrell-Golden-Globes

7. Jodie Foster’s speech was confusing. At the end of it, I thought she came out, said she loved her mama and retired from acting. According to people, she didn’t come out as much as tell folks that the important people in her life already knew. And apparently, she didn’t really retire from acting. She was just saying she was taking a step back. I THINK. I don’t damb know. Jodie got on that stage and rambled for 5 minutes and left me feeling like she just spoke French and my Rosetta Stone copy was lost. Alls I know is, she moved half of folks and the other half she confused terribly. I was part of group 2. I really blame this on the fact that Jodie had more than her share of spirits to drink. This is the perfect transition to my next point.

8. Everyone was DRONK. Not drunk but DRONK. That good free never-ending open bar at the Golden Globes clearly had folks feeling right. You’da thought the group drunkenness woulda made it a better show. But nay. NAY. All it did was make everyone super hyper yet slow. Meh.

9. The over-40 crowd was SLAYING all the young’ins. In terms of fashion and overall look, the folks over 40 brought their true A-game. Dame Helen Mirren (67) was looking amazing. Jodie Foster (50) looked dope. Halle Berry (47) looked like angels licked her face this morning. Just physically flawless! And the men? Chile listen. All those silver foxes in the house were giving me what I need. E’em Bill “Bubba” Clinton was in the house, looking like a bag of money and peace of mind. WERK! The younger crowd could not measure up. *looks at Lena Dunham again* Girl… O__o

10. Chile, I’m done. I just didn’t wanna end at 9 because that seems incomplete and random.

Oh yeah. Can we talk about Tommy Lee Jones’ not impressed face? When did he become the cranky old man? When Kristen and Will were on stage and everyone was cracking up, Tommy was in his seat looking like a stone.

Tommy Lee Jones Not Impressed

He probably chases folks off his lawn. Tommy, sir. Why so serious??

Anywho, what did you think of the awards? Did you have any highlights or was it a 3 hour lowlight for you?

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26 Comments

  1. blaqbird
    January 14, 2013 at 2:53 am — Reply

    LOL @ alla this! How much did I love Adele’s acceptance speech? Tommy Lee Jones oozes “crotchety old man” and i am not here for that! he ain’t even acting no more; it’s just him in the movies. lena dunham annoys me to NO end. i just can’t with her. and i am all for will ferrell and kristen wiig hosting something, preferably the oscars. i don’t even care nothing about no seth mcfarlane. okay i’m tired and i’m ramblin. have an appointment with my pillow.

  2. MrsBillingsley
    January 14, 2013 at 3:00 am — Reply

    I watched solely for Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and to see Adele’s post-baby coming out party. I decided to take a much needed break from 9-10, to watch Revenge, and it sounds like I didn’t miss much! Kinda bummed I missed Kristen & Will but MEH! Overall it was a monotonous Caucasian snooze fest.

  3. January 14, 2013 at 3:13 am — Reply

    Tommy Lee Jones chases folks off his lawn? lol. When Bill Clinton came out my 90 year old grandmother screamed, “OMG! It’s Bill,” through his whole little speech. Tina and Amy were beyond hilarious.

    • January 14, 2013 at 3:11 pm — Reply

      LOL you know Tommy Lee got a stick just for chasing folks off his lawn. YOU KNOW IT!

  4. ab
    January 14, 2013 at 6:02 am — Reply

    I caught highlights of Jodie and a glimpse of Kerry Washington.
    Jodie spoke for 6 minutes! 6 mo’fracking minutes! non non Jodie! N’est Pas! UNE MINUTE, Jodie!
    p.s. you don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Live your life but never give a 5 minute speech again. Thank you

    Why did Kerry look like she was hiding in a corner? she looked elegant, delicate almost too delicate.

    When you said this:
    Halle Berry (47) looked like angels licked her face this morning
    the world suddenly made sense. Yes. This is the secret to Halle’s beauty. Gotta find me an angel.

    • January 14, 2013 at 3:11 pm — Reply

      LOL six WHOLE minutes. At least 3 of which was rambling. Chile. It felt like much longer

  5. Milaxx
    January 14, 2013 at 6:58 am — Reply

    I am an awards show fangirl. I watch every faithfully every year and this was one of the better years. Amy & Tina were awesome. Bonus was Taylor’s salty look and Adele’s loud,cockney laugh. I also loved the audience getting into (or being drunk enough to play along) like DDL making the ET finger and Glenn Close acting crazy in her seat.

    As for Jodie Foster, I Actually had to read the transcript of her speech to get it, but I’mma give her a pass cause I think she was a little over served. Basically, she said; 1)yeah I’m gay, mind ya business, 2)gave permission/said good bye to her momma who has dementia and is very ill, 3)thanked friends,family,and her ex,and 4)said she will probably do more directing, no if any acting and she don’t care if they are small indie films.

    • January 14, 2013 at 3:10 pm — Reply

      Mannn last year’s Golden Globe awards was more entertaining (because I went back and read my recap on it). And thanks for clarifying what Jodie said.

  6. Taj Mahal
    January 14, 2013 at 7:04 am — Reply

    I can never bring myself to watch these boring caucasian mutual masturbation fests. They invite their token black friends (looking at you Halley) to watch the whole thing. A bunch of boring ass people with boring ass speeches for awards for boring ass movies. Sit through whaaat?! 3 hours of that mess?! Nooo thanks!

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:52 pm — Reply

      LOL at “mutual masturbation fests.” Welpers.

  7. Toni
    January 14, 2013 at 8:26 am — Reply

    Ok, am I the only one that was looking all side eye at Jamie Foxx painted hairline?

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:48 pm — Reply

      You were not the only one. I actually mentioned it on Twitter. He should quit using shoe polish on his scalp.

  8. Sarah D.
    January 14, 2013 at 8:30 am — Reply

    I will say I enjoyed the twitterin more than the telecast…The fashion was my highlight and co-sign the salt and pepper generation of mens. The growned ups were suited and booted. J-Lo’s doily was to die (and her boyfriend is to return to sender…he’s not attractive) I speak French and I can assure you that I still am not clear of the path that Jodie took us down but without a PHD to confirm, I think Milaxx bout covered it. And she needs to stop claiming Mel in public. He looked like he was anticipating the crowd to turn at any moment and I was thrilled about it. Anne Hathaway is faker than all the Miss America boob cutlets put together and her husband looks like a store brand Ryan Gosling. Her and Keira Knightley annoy me consistently and Id love it if Hollywood would find some new “theatrical” brunettes. ASAP! Finally, this is why I need our generation of talented diversity to go gangbusters on this damn industry!!! WHERE ARE THE BROWN PEOPLE?????!!!!! Jessica Alba was my best dressed. Thank you. That is all.

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:48 pm — Reply

      Like always, the tweets are better than the show itself. Half the reason folks even watch these award shows now is so they can keep up with what folks on Twitter are talmbout.

      I also loved J.Lo’s dress. She was stunning.

  9. Rachael
    January 14, 2013 at 10:29 am — Reply

    LOL about Tommy Lee! Amy and Tina did their thing, and were the only reason why I watched. And lets be serious for a moment. Did Taylor Swift actually believe that she had a chance at winning? Against Adele? No hon. This is voted on by adults, not tweenager girls.

    I agree about the lack of brown folks. Was I the only one who noticed the camera flashed to Chris Tucker on numerous occasions? Was he nominated for something? Maybe they thought he was Don Cheadle..

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:24 pm — Reply

      They were the ONLY reason. Tina and Amy should be given all the props for any ratings that show gets.

      And yessss. Taylor, this voting is not done by 8 year olds so nawl to her e’em having a chance at winning.

  10. Shevonne
    January 14, 2013 at 10:46 am — Reply

    Tommy reminded me of Mr. Wilson from Denis the Menace. LOLOL! He looked so annoyed by them. Anyway, I’m glad Adele beat out Taylor for the award, and Taylor does not look like a graceful loser at all. Welp!

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:23 pm — Reply

      Yesss Mr Wilson! Taylor’s loser face made me cackle. She was so butthurt.

  11. Tracee
    January 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm — Reply

    Tommy Lee’s face looks like a bad rubber costume, I swear fo’ Gawd! Lena, the chick from Girls could’ve at least worn a bra under that dress! And didn’t understand why they kept panning to Chris Tucker either, saw Diddy in the background as well. JLo’s dress was hawt but her boy is nawt, he looks a little bit funny to me, like a cartoon character that always looks surprised.

    Ok, so Jodie should’ve not even got up there…she looked like she was going to bust out and say: Crack is whack! Just saying….

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:22 pm — Reply

      LOLLL! Tommy Lee’s face looks like the tree from Pocahontas. No shade. And Lena? Girl she was a mess and then some. They had to keep showing Christ Tucker to remind us he was there.

  12. SEMorgan
    January 14, 2013 at 1:16 pm — Reply

    Hilarious recap! My sentiments exactly as I yelled at the screen… shoulda been rockin’ some chucks under that rented ball gown. Color was wrong and the tats were displayed horribly. Fey and Pohler… awwww just give them their own “Fey & Pohler” comedy hour (a la good ol’ variety shows like Carol Burnette & friends)
    Jodie Foster’s speech… I got it (even though we’ve all “known” since way back in the day) but I got misty on her message to her Mom. Yep, she rambled but I guess it was the moment she dreamed of since the movie “Foxes” (1979) so I didn’t judge. If she’s retiring… okay. Many moments, but Jennifer Lawrence’s failed attempt at using a quote from the old film First Wives’ Club… “I beat Meryl” was just that, epic fail! Especially since Meryl wasn’t in the house to humble her with the magnitude of her presence. (magnitude… ok, maybe a bit much, but you get me). BRAVA LUVVIE!

    • January 14, 2013 at 2:02 pm — Reply

      OMG! A Tina and Amy hour would be everything. I’d never miss an episode. Who do we write to make this happen?

  13. Mikkimu
    January 14, 2013 at 1:57 pm — Reply

    I was absolutely there for Tina, Amy, Kristin, Will & Adele….the end. Your live tweets were hilarious :-]

  14. January 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm — Reply

    Agreed. I thought it was just me, but I could barely see an ounce of brown in the audience. I mean is Halle the GO TO black woman? *shrugs*

  15. January 15, 2013 at 3:55 pm — Reply

    THIS: “Halle Berry (47) looked like angels licked her face this morning. Just physically flawless!”

    Lena looked like she forgot the awards were that day and was still half asleep. Like being late to a midterm.

  16. January 16, 2013 at 7:38 am — Reply

    I’m watching it every year just for the fabulous dresses :)

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