My 10 Thoughts About the 2013 Golden Globe Awards
I was really excited to watch the Golden Globe Awards this year because my comedy sheros Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hosting. You cannot get a more perfect pairing than those two and I figured it’d be a good show with them at the helm. So I sat through 3 hours of the penguin show. For them. That’s love.
I have 10 thoughts on the Golden Globes. Like to hear them? Here they go.
1. The show was REALLY white. Like super. It’s not like it was surprising but my goodness that show was mostly monochromatic. It was a bunch of white folks, Don Cheadle, Ang Lee, Denzel Washington and Kerry (no relation). IT’s really jarring how in 2013, Hollywood is still this un-diverse. It’s like y’all ain’t e’em trying much, huh?
2. This show was SUPER boring. Like extra. The only reason I watched all 3 hours is because I didn’t wanna be a quitter at life. I wanted to finish what I started. But by hour 2, I was ready for it to be over. I started going to the kitchen more often and tuning it out because it was just DRAGGING. All those awards that were handed out and all the people who gave long, bland speeches has my attention span on “NAWL” with a side of “Be done already.” But the show didn’t have to be this boring. Which is why I’m disappointed. This brings me to my next point.
3. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were the only things interesting about the Golden Globes. In fact the only time the show wasn’t boring was when they were on stage. No lie. Those two WERE the show and it’s crazy how underused they were. I expected to see a lot more of them. Instead, they were onstage maybe 6 or 7 times. What gives??? They shoulda let Tina and Amy do more and present more awards. The times they were onstage, they had me cracking up non-stop. The people who say women aren’t funny should go gag on a chip because these ladies rip that idea to shreds!
“Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s AMAZING in it.” – Amy Poehler
“You know what, Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son.” – Tina Fey
YESSS! I am ALWAYS here for Swift shade. ALLATAHM!
4. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I’m SO glad she didn’t win tonight, and Adele did instead. I was not looking forward to seeing her terrible fake “OMG DID I WIN ANOTHER AWARD?” face. But let’s talk about the look on her face when Adele was called. Homegirl was saltier than a bag of Lay’s potato chips. TUCK IN YOUR SALTY, TAYLOR!
5. Lena Dunham is the most awkward child. And didn’t anyone tell her to put a little bit of effort into her look? She was at the awards looking like she smelled like day old bread. Plus, she couldn’t walk in her heels. She shoulda just put on some Chucks like she know she wanted to. But it seems that the entire cast of Girls musta made a pact to come to the awards looking as average as the possibly can. When they were all on stage together, I was all “But yall looking like you’re going down to Walgreens, not the Golden Globes.” But hey. They’re award winners so who gon check them?
6. Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig were the best presenters. In a show full of awkward dialogues between presenters and terrible chemistry between pairs, Will and Kristen stood out. They were hilarity personified. Those two got on stage and slayed everyone for 4 minutes and I loved it! In fact, they should have them host it next year. And actually use them. O_O
7. Jodie Foster’s speech was confusing. At the end of it, I thought she came out, said she loved her mama and retired from acting. According to people, she didn’t come out as much as tell folks that the important people in her life already knew. And apparently, she didn’t really retire from acting. She was just saying she was taking a step back. I THINK. I don’t damb know. Jodie got on that stage and rambled for 5 minutes and left me feeling like she just spoke French and my Rosetta Stone copy was lost. Alls I know is, she moved half of folks and the other half she confused terribly. I was part of group 2. I really blame this on the fact that Jodie had more than her share of spirits to drink. This is the perfect transition to my next point.
8. Everyone was DRONK. Not drunk but DRONK. That good free never-ending open bar at the Golden Globes clearly had folks feeling right. You’da thought the group drunkenness woulda made it a better show. But nay. NAY. All it did was make everyone super hyper yet slow. Meh.
9. The over-40 crowd was SLAYING all the young’ins. In terms of fashion and overall look, the folks over 40 brought their true A-game. Dame Helen Mirren (67) was looking amazing. Jodie Foster (50) looked dope. Halle Berry (47) looked like angels licked her face this morning. Just physically flawless! And the men? Chile listen. All those silver foxes in the house were giving me what I need. E’em Bill “Bubba” Clinton was in the house, looking like a bag of money and peace of mind. WERK! The younger crowd could not measure up. *looks at Lena Dunham again* Girl… O__o
10. Chile, I’m done. I just didn’t wanna end at 9 because that seems incomplete and random.
Oh yeah. Can we talk about Tommy Lee Jones’ not impressed face? When did he become the cranky old man? When Kristen and Will were on stage and everyone was cracking up, Tommy was in his seat looking like a stone.
He probably chases folks off his lawn. Tommy, sir. Why so serious??
Anywho, what did you think of the awards? Did you have any highlights or was it a 3 hour lowlight for you?