Lately, the sports world has been giving us the best tea. They might have me caring about who shot what ball over who’s net soon. Or not. But still. You gotta admit that athletes have been in the news more than usual for their off-the-court activities and how it’s affected their performance. And methinks VH1 needs to create the show “Love and Athletes America.” I’ve done the work for them too and figured out who should be on there.
Lance Armstrong – The dude was a cycling legend. He’s won hella Tour de Frances, beat cancer, dated Sheryl Crow and got hella folks rocking yellow rubber bands on their wrists. Lance was the dude. Keyword: WAS. He’s been found guilty of doping up, so all his titles have been stripped. Even his foundation has kicked him off the board, all the folks who signed him for endorsements have cut off his coins. Mr. Armstrong didn’t just fall from grace. NAWL. Dude tumbled and face-planted. So yeah, he must be on this show.
Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll get to see the immediate aftermath of his tarnished reputation, and how he tries to fix it. I imagine sessions with Dr. Drew AND Iyanla, tryna get to the bottom of why he felt like he needed to use drugs to be an amazing athlete.
Tiger Woods – He might could win the title of tragicest mulatto. After cheating with fitty-elemen women, embarrassing his family name, and having his wife divorce him, Tiger is back. He’s tryna win his ex-wife’s love, with a $350 million anti-cheating clause. Wow. Dude needs the threat of a third of a billion dollars to keep his peen in his pants. Chile… womp.
Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll see his attempts at courting his ex-wife, while she plays him to the left repeatedly. I can e’em imagine seeing Tiger do some ugly cries in the name of love, bearing those large teeth of his. I’m here for it.
Kris Humphries – He played the role of Mr. Kardashian unconvincingly for 72 days when he read TMZ and found out that his wife filed for divorce. He found out about his divorce the same way the rest of us did. Over a year later, he’s still in court trying to settle this divorce. The court case itself is about ten times longer than the marriage. How unfortunate.
Why he’ll be good for the show: We need to see what it’s like being Kris, who is more known for being Kim Kardashian’s publicity stunt than for being a basketball player. Also, how does he deal with the ego bruise?
Sammy Sosa – We all got a dark skinned friend who looks like Sammy Sosa. And we have a light skinned friend who looks like Sammy Sosa. The former Cubs player retired from baseball and thought we’d forget he used to be a dark Dominican man. Sammy got his hands on some bleaching cream and went to town on removing the melanin the good Lord blessed him with. Now he looks like Casper Garcia, the unfriendly ghost. Dude looks like he was meant to come haunt us all, along with our hopes and dreams.
Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll get to see his morning routine, which probably involves slathering himself in bleaching cream and standing under the hot sun telling the rays to “come at him, bro.” And then I want Iyanla to ask him what his life is REALLY about.
Chad OchoCinco – Chad got into a relationship with Basketball Wives’ Evelyn Lozada and it quickly went to the altar. They got married last summer and the attention-starved couple live-tweeted it. And then soon after, scandal hits as Chad head butts Ev, sending her to the hospital for multiple stitches. Their marriage was barely two months old when it ended. On top of that, Chad got cut from his NFL team and he got shamed for being a woman beater. His 2012 kinda sucked. But now, him and Ev seem to be reconciling, after she lifted the restraining order she had on him. And then bought him expensive shoes for Christmas. Dysfunction likes company and publicity.
Why he’ll be good for the show: Well, Chad needs to pick up the pieces of his life and I wanna see what that’ll look like. Plus, him and Evelyn dating again will only prove to be drama and fodder for material. It’s too good. He can’t NOT be on there.
And last but not least?
Manti Te’o – I didn’t know who this dude was until yesterday when I found out his Catfish tale. So dude is a college football player who was in a relationship with some chick named Lennay Kay for a year. And then September 11 (or 12, or 14), she died of lymphoma, 8 months after getting into a massive car accident. And he played his game in her honor and was courageous and everyone clapped for him and stuff. GREAT STUFF. Except Lennay didn’t really exist. And everyone’s pointing to Manti’s friend Ronaiah as the person being Lennay. And folks are wondering how Manti didn’t know but there’s a good chance he really did know and it’s all a mess. Long story long, Te’o's currently getting his wig dragged for this. The whole situation is fishier than Triton’s kingdom. When I read the story on DeadSpin, I was like:
Serious WTF? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Why he’ll be good for the show: WHY ASK THIS??? For many reasons! We’ll get to see him try to explain how he had a relationship with someone he’d never met or seen on video for over a year. And then there’s the issue of his friend, who set this whole thing up. We mist see what the interaction between the two of them’s like. MUST. SEE. Because somebody’s LYING dinnamug.
But yeah, this would be an awesome show.
So there ya go. I already have 6 castmembers for Love & Athletes America. Who else should be on this show and why? Also, someone tell VH1 that I want some producing credits when they make this happen. Kthxbai.