So ya know the Super Bowl was last night. GO *insert team name who won here*! You fought a good fight against *name of other team here*! I knew you’d win at the end! O_O Yes, and all that good stuff.
As you can tell, I didn’t really care about the game. All I was here for were the tweets about the game, the commercials, and of course the Beyoncé concert. It was indeed the BeyonceBowl.
J-Hud and the Sandy Hook babies
I loved seeing the babies of Sandy Hook Elementary at the Super Bowl, singing “Oh Beautiful.” That was one moment when my thug almost laid down on the grass and quit. Those beautiful kids. And then Jennifer Hudson came thoo looking amazing. I loved her alphet, with the white pencil skirt and black turtleneck. Slay, J-Hud. Also, she definitely did her best to keep her voice volume down. That was the quietest I’ve heard her in a bit. All was well there.
Alicia Keys sang the National Anthem. Slowly.
Alicia took her time. And sang the National Anthem. This is my entire comment. The end.
Once the game started, I tuned out.
Really. I can’t tell you anything about what happened during the game. All I can say is that these hard-bodied men in tight capri leggings were great to look at. Also, this guy’s (Jacoby Jones) touchdown dance was awesome:
I must hit my Jacoby now for celebrations. It’s not Brother Franklin but this will do for quickie dances.
I barely even watched the commercials.
But I saw the GoDaddy one “kiss” one and I almost lost my lunch and a future dinner. GoDaddy must always remind us about why they’re subpar as a company. That creepy ass commercial’s only point was to get us to have some sort of strong reaction and they succeeded there. Because surely, Bob from Marketing didn’t think that commercial would make me wanna buy more URLs. Speaking of, I need to start the process of moving my URLs AWAY from them. But I’m lazy. Dang it.
The Beyonce Bowl
Finally, what we were all waiting for happened. Beyoncé slayed the halftime show. SLAYED. I mean she twerked for her life! And had holograms of herself doing the dutty wine.
YESSSSS MA’AM!!! Outchea doing Rihanna’s ONE move better than she can. Werk. And had a bad ass female guitarist whose instrument shot fireworks. And she wore this amazing leather onesie with lace peplum. I was loving it all!
And then Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams joined her onstage.
Kelly KILLED her landing on that stage and looked AMAZING! And Michelle…
Well, she looked lowkey surprised to be there herself. She tried. Bless her heart. It ain’t her fault that “fierce” doesn’t come easy for her.
And I couldn’t help but notice how thick Kelly had become. LOOK AT THEM THIGHS!!! Her and Beyonce are neck and neck in thickness and I am HERE FOR IT! Just look:
Yes, Kelendria for this newfound BAWDY! Do tell a fellow skinny. How did you achieve it? YES GAWDDD! I love it.
And it’s after this that Kelly and Michelle got to do mini solos. Too bad we couldn’t hear Michelle because her mic was basically turned ALLA WAY down. Talk about the utmost of shade. Like they said “Not you, Fat Jesus” to her voice. Y’all gon stop treating Tenitra like Destiny’s Stepchild with lice. It ain’t right but it’s ok.
And after a quick jig, Bey dismissed the others to continue. WELP. Anywho, Beyonce did that. She’s an amazing performer so that was typical Bey. And since she was done, I was done with the Superbowl. So I changed the channel so fast I hit myself in the chin with the remote control.
The lights went out in the stadium
Tweets started going out talmbout there was a blackout in the superdome. So naturally, I changed it back because this was ample material for jokes and roast. There’s no light in the stadium? Lawd, Beyonce’s special effects made ConEd shut shit off talmbout “the bill is ALREADY overdue.” But what was crazy was that there REALLY wasn’t a plan B plan for if stadium lights go out at the SuperBowl. No one thought this was possible? Chile… They needed to go to every CVS in NOLA and get some Christmas lights and keep the pordee going. Or ask everyone to use their iFlashlight apps.
Meanwhile, Twitter exploded and everyone had me cackling. Even brands got in the action.
iLIVE! Retail shade! LOL
And then the lights came back and I changed the channel. I was only there for Beyonce, the drama and the jokes.
Keyshia Cole Got Dragged
I kept seeing Keyshia Cole’s name in my timeline and since this wasn’t 2005, I wondered what was happening. Turns out that she had come for Michelle’s wig, and Twitter went IN on her.
WELL DAMB, Keyshia! I mean. She ain’t lied ALL the way but yeah, it’s somewhat couthless. So I GET why some people went in on Michelle’s behalf. What I didn’t understand were the people who had said THE SAME THING about Michelle dragging Keyshia for saying this. Chile, I guess.
This foolishness went on for hours. And I bet somewhere, Ms. Coles’ PR person was hitting her head repeatedly on a wall. I hope Michelle Williams doesn’t reply at all or give this shine because she’s at the Super Bowl while Keyshia was probably making runs to Super K-Mart. No shade. Just saying. Still… y’all ain’t have to call her everything but a child of God.
But GO SUPER BOWL!
My favorite part of the Super Bowl was the fact that it was the #SistahBowl (word to @Stepfredla for that hashtag). So many sisthrens in the house! The only thing that surprised me was Kelly’s newfound thickness and the fact that the superdome ain’t have a generator.
Good times. By good times, I mean, great time on Twitter. You all had me cackling like a delirious rabbit. Let’s do it again sometime.
So whatchu think bout the Super Bowl? Any highlights and lowlights? Did you lose money in this game? Let’s talk bout it.
Edit: And because y’all ain’t got sense:
WHICH ONE OF YOU GAVE THIS CHILD A WALKER??? LMAOOO!