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Beyonce, Shade and More: Thoughts on the 2013 Super Bowl

So ya know the Super Bowl was last night. GO *insert team name who won here*! You fought a good fight against *name of other team here*! I knew you’d win at the end! O_O Yes, and all that good stuff.

As you can tell, I didn’t really care about the game. All I was here for were the tweets about the game, the commercials, and of course the Beyoncé concert. It was indeed the BeyonceBowl.

Beyonce Bowl gif

J-Hud and the Sandy Hook babies

I loved seeing the babies of Sandy Hook Elementary at the Super Bowl, singing “Oh Beautiful.” That was one moment when my thug almost laid down on the grass and quit. Those beautiful kids. And then Jennifer Hudson came thoo looking amazing. I loved her alphet, with the white pencil skirt and black turtleneck. Slay, J-Hud. Also, she definitely did her best to keep her voice volume down. That was the quietest I’ve heard her in a bit. All was well there.

Alicia Keys sang the National Anthem. Slowly.

Alicia took her time. And sang the National Anthem. This is my entire comment. The end.

Once the game started, I tuned out.

Really. I can’t tell you anything about what happened during the game. All I can say is that these hard-bodied men in tight capri leggings were great to look at. Also, this guy’s (Jacoby Jones) touchdown dance was awesome:

Jacoby Jones touchdown dance gif

I must hit my Jacoby now for celebrations. It’s not Brother Franklin but this will do for quickie dances.

I barely even watched the commercials.

But I saw the GoDaddy one “kiss” one and I almost lost my lunch and a future dinner. GoDaddy must always remind us about why they’re subpar as a company. That creepy ass commercial’s only point was to get us to have some sort of strong reaction and they succeeded there. Because surely, Bob from Marketing didn’t think that commercial would make me wanna buy more URLs. Speaking of, I need to start the process of moving my URLs AWAY from them. But I’m lazy. Dang it.

The Beyonce Bowl

Finally, what we were all waiting for happened. Beyoncé slayed the halftime show. SLAYED. I mean she twerked for her life! And had holograms of herself doing the dutty wine.

Beyonce Superbowl Hologram gif

YESSSSS MA’AM!!! Outchea doing Rihanna’s ONE move better than she can. Werk. And had a bad ass female guitarist whose instrument shot fireworks. And she wore this amazing leather onesie with lace peplum. I was loving it all!

And then Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams joined her onstage.

Kelly KILLED her landing on that stage and looked AMAZING! And Michelle…

Michelle Superbowl gif

Well, she looked lowkey surprised to be there herself. She tried. Bless her heart. It ain’t her fault that “fierce” doesn’t come easy for her.

And I couldn’t help but notice how thick Kelly had become. LOOK AT THEM THIGHS!!! Her and Beyonce are neck and neck in thickness and I am HERE FOR IT! Just look:

DestinysChildSingleLadies

Yes, Kelendria for this newfound BAWDY! Do tell a fellow skinny. How did you achieve it? YES GAWDDD! I love it.

And it’s after this that Kelly and Michelle got to do mini solos. Too bad we couldn’t hear Michelle because her mic was basically turned ALLA WAY down. Talk about the utmost of shade. Like they said “Not you, Fat Jesus” to her voice. Y’all gon stop treating Tenitra like Destiny’s Stepchild with lice. It ain’t right but it’s ok.

Destinys Child Superbowl Mic

Yup. SHADE.

And after a quick jig, Bey dismissed the others to continue. WELP. Anywho, Beyonce did that. She’s an amazing performer so that was typical Bey. And since she was done, I was done with the Superbowl. So I changed the channel so fast I hit myself in the chin with the remote control.

Until…

The lights went out in the stadium

Tweets started going out talmbout there was a blackout in the superdome. So naturally, I changed it back because this was ample material for jokes and roast. There’s no light in the stadium? Lawd, Beyonce’s special effects made ConEd shut shit off talmbout “the bill is ALREADY overdue.” But what was crazy was that there REALLY wasn’t a plan B plan for if stadium lights go out at the SuperBowl. No one thought this was possible? Chile… They needed to go to every CVS in NOLA and get some Christmas lights and keep the pordee going. Or ask everyone to use their iFlashlight apps.

Meanwhile, Twitter exploded and everyone had me cackling. Even brands got in the action.

Walgreens Superbowl Shade

iLIVE! Retail shade! LOL

And then the lights came back and I changed the channel. I was only there for Beyonce, the drama and the jokes.

Keyshia Cole Got Dragged

I kept seeing Keyshia Cole’s name in my timeline and since this wasn’t 2005, I wondered what was happening. Turns out that she had come for Michelle’s wig, and Twitter went IN on her.

keyshia-michelle superbowl

WELL DAMB, Keyshia! I mean. She ain’t lied ALL the way but yeah, it’s somewhat couthless. So I GET why some people went in on Michelle’s behalf. What I didn’t understand were the people who had said THE SAME THING about Michelle dragging Keyshia for saying this. Chile, I guess.

This foolishness went on for hours. And I bet somewhere, Ms. Coles’ PR person was hitting her head repeatedly on a wall. I hope Michelle Williams doesn’t reply at all or give this shine because she’s at the Super Bowl while Keyshia was probably making runs to Super K-Mart. No shade. Just saying. Still… y’all ain’t have to call her everything but a child of God.

But GO SUPER BOWL!

My favorite part of the Super Bowl was the fact that it was the #SistahBowl (word to @Stepfredla for that hashtag). So many sisthrens in the house! The only thing that surprised me was Kelly’s newfound thickness and the fact that the superdome ain’t have a generator.

Good times. By good times, I mean, great time on Twitter. You all had me cackling like a delirious rabbit. Let’s do it again sometime.

So whatchu think bout the Super Bowl? Any highlights and lowlights? Did you lose money in this game? Let’s talk bout it.

Edit: And because y’all ain’t got sense:

Michelle Superbowl Walker gif

WHICH ONE OF YOU GAVE THIS CHILD A WALKER??? LMAOOO!

32 Comments

  1. Rai
    February 4, 2013 at 12:14 pm — Reply

    I was underwhelmed by Beyonce’s performance. I guess I expected her to walk on water this time, but, alas she disappointed me. I was here for the twerking Beyonce holograms though!!!!

  2. February 4, 2013 at 12:15 pm — Reply

    Thanks so much for this recap! I have little ones so I didn’t get to see it (if I see my baby girl up in her room in her leotard practicing just in case she too must “twerk for her life”, I may not make it.) and this was just enough to let me know what I missed. Hilarious – and I must assume – Acurate!

  3. February 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm — Reply

    accurate *spelling* – oops!

  4. Jabari
    February 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm — Reply

    I can’t stand you for that “Destiny’s Stepchild with lice” remark! I’m still trying to come back down from that.

  5. emti
    February 4, 2013 at 12:19 pm — Reply

    Michelle’s been working out with Jeanette Jenkins (Latifah’s ex)…she’s looking great
    I said to my friend they really went with the black history month theme for the entertainment
    GO RAVENS!

  6. Lauren
    February 4, 2013 at 12:28 pm — Reply

    Jacoby Jones’ touchdown dance was nice but, he was doing his own version of Ray Lewis’ “squirrel” dance. I guess it was sort of a tribute since it was the last game of Ray’s professional career but, he did add his own extra somethin’ somethin’ to it.

    (If you can’t guess, I watch a lot of football.)

  7. Rissa
    February 4, 2013 at 12:39 pm — Reply

    I gave my thoughts last night but I am always here for King Bey. Tenitra is always messing up though and that’s why she can’t have nice things (I still adore her though.)
    Kelly was always my favorite child of destiny.
    But that show: yassssssss!
    Someone at our Beyoncébowl party last night said about the guitar “That doesn’t look safe.” to which I promptly replied “Do you think Beyoncé cares about those peoples’ safety?! This is HER show and she won’t let it go all it’s been paid for and…” then I had to catch myself.

    Then people whining that there should have been more Destiny’s Child. I’m sorry: I’m pretty sure they booked BEYONCÉ and not Destiny’s Child and it’s 2013 and not 2004. Don’t get it twisted- I’m still here for DC and was hoping for “Lose My Breath” but respect and appreciate what we got.

    And that damn electric silhouette is what knocked the power out! lol

    Whatever. I loved it! And the only thing better than one dutty winding Bey is seven. If I were Jay, we’d have those holograms in the bedroom. *kanye shrug*

    • TeeNikki
      February 4, 2013 at 1:27 pm — Reply

      You tryna ensure ALLLLLLLL of destiny’s chil’ren get made. Violet Envy, Turquoise Shade, Chartruse Conqueror and lil Silver Intrepid.

      • Bpurpleb001
        February 4, 2013 at 1:56 pm — Reply

        LMAO at Silver Intrepid.

    • MsZ
      February 5, 2013 at 8:50 pm — Reply

      We were saying the same thing…Bey got pregnant Sunday night—probably in her dressing room!

  8. KemaB
    February 4, 2013 at 12:47 pm — Reply

    The Mic Gif>>>>>>> I can not that is all. After the half a note they let Michelle have Bey was like Nah and then after the quickie performance she was like Security in her Evelyn voice.

    Man listen they dragged Miss Keyshia. The level of non chill was like on a billion and left me weak. I wasnt mad at her till I heard a live performance where she sang the National Anthem with a bad blowout and a harlequin romance novel dress -_- then I was like Pot Kettle left you a voicemail in my luvvie voice..

  9. nichole
    February 4, 2013 at 12:53 pm — Reply

    I watched the Super Bowl until the lights went out. Then I made broccoli cornbread. Overall, it wasn’t bad. I so glad it was the #SistahBowl and the sistas truly did their thing.

    I’m still floored that besides Kelly and Michelle, Beyonce shared the stage with multiple Beyonces. Why invite someone else? I could hear Beyonce saying “I got this!”

  10. Sadaka
    February 4, 2013 at 12:57 pm — Reply

    She did her THANG!!!!! I’m just o_O because I was expecting new music.

  11. TeeNikki
    February 4, 2013 at 1:30 pm — Reply

    That football gif had me cacklin and snortin! I loved the effects. Did yall catch how Bey ji’ like carried Michelle? As Bey was givin Kelly the love, she turned her back on Michelle and left her hangin SMH.

  12. Bpurpleb001
    February 4, 2013 at 2:11 pm — Reply

    I’m amazed at all the shade being thrown at Bey on the ET site. People talkin ’bout she did awful. She didn’t sing live. and the worst comment of all…The halftime show with Madonna was way better! WTH NO. I’m not here for that kind of nonsense. How many deaf people do we have in the world?

    There were even people from England talkin trash, ‘Is that what passes for good entertainment in America?’

    Really? Really! OK.

    Bottom line Bey came, she slayed, and she pulled the plug when she was finished.

  13. keisha brown
    February 4, 2013 at 2:45 pm — Reply

    LOL.
    im a football fan, from a football family. superbowl is a holiday for us.

    -jhud looked great, and sounded good..but.. i coulda done without her. the children needed their own moment and i was weepy all over again.
    -akeys. wanted to make sure that she didnt mess up the words. and she didnt. but..um.. yeah. she looked fan-freakin tastic
    -the game was boring in the 1st half.
    -halftime was what i expected. bey is a great entertainer. song choices was odd. i expected hov.
    -bey was more west indian than rih or nikki minaj. bajans and trinis should rebuke them both.
    -the blackout was the best thing to happen to twitter. 230K+ tweets PER MINUTE!?!?!?
    -the near comeback was great.
    -i’ll be glad to never have to hear from ray lewis again.

    fin.

    • Cleojonz
      February 5, 2013 at 4:56 pm — Reply

      I agree with you on Ray Lewis but I don’t think he’s going anywhere for a long time. Rumor has it he already has his ESPN broadcasting gig lined up.

  14. Serenity
    February 4, 2013 at 2:53 pm — Reply

    Ummm…. It’s America the Beautiful, not Oh Beautiful. With that being said. I get goosebumps when I hear American patriotic songe. IDK why. But I was getting some for JHud. I really wanted her to sang that thang, but for some reason she choose to turn it down a few notches. It was good anyway. But Mrs. Beatz…. Why? She could have sung the national anthem better than that. Hell I could have sung it better than that. I think they were scared of Beyonce….

    I thought since Bey was reuniting and such, and JHud was there… She could have sang a few songs from Dreamgirls… IJS.

    I don’t dislike Mrs. Carter… BUT… All she does is shake her head and twerk. You remove that what’s left? Although I would like to know what kind of glue Miss Tina mixed up to keep that lacefront on and fresh. It HAD to be hot out there and Bey had to be sweating under that thing….

  15. February 4, 2013 at 3:13 pm — Reply

    I think the problem that some people have with Beyonce is similar to what happened to Celine Dion back in the day. Super talented, great entertainer, but people just get tired of looking at you and just want you to go somewhere and SIT DOWN. Take your awards, your cash, and whatever else, and just retire. How much mo’ glory do you need?

  16. The Kid
    February 4, 2013 at 3:13 pm — Reply

    Folks need to leave Tenitra alone. The girl just can’t live. The internet is basically bullying the poor woman, with some justification, she isn’t always on her fierce game. I liked her entrance, I basically loved the little jumps they made when they came on stage. Luvvie, you crack me all the way the hell up.

  17. Trina
    February 4, 2013 at 4:06 pm — Reply

    They say Alisha Keys sang the longest rendition of the Star Spangled Banner EVER!!!!! I just want to know who told her that was ok? I love the old Method man I aint got you Alisha. I dont know what Swizz is doing but this Alisha 2.0 is doing the most with the least.

  18. ac
    February 4, 2013 at 6:00 pm — Reply

    THAT GIF W/THE WALKER! AHHHHHHH HAAAAAA.
    **dead**

  19. tawnya
    February 4, 2013 at 7:26 pm — Reply

    Bey will suffer whiplash and a dislocated hip to entertain you. Fierce.

  20. Scorpiona
    February 4, 2013 at 10:59 pm — Reply

    THAT WALKER!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah *breathe* ahahahahahahahaha!

  21. Em.
    February 5, 2013 at 4:34 am — Reply

    Kelly’s hair even showed up for rehearsal! Those weaves were synchronized!

  22. KDS
    February 5, 2013 at 7:29 am — Reply

    Why they gotta treat Michelle like shoe stole the last piece of chicken from the table?!?!

    • KDS
      February 5, 2013 at 7:30 am — Reply

      Like she not shoe……….too early to be typin’!

  23. inQUETTAble
    February 5, 2013 at 9:46 am — Reply

    iAm dying at this walker y’all done gave Michelle!! Hilarity!!

  24. NeicyRox
    February 5, 2013 at 11:05 am — Reply

    The game was amazing. It went from a potential blowout to a LAWDJESUSWHATSGONNAHAPPEN, down to the last 12 second game. Never underestimate the power of momentum.

    I didn’t realize I was a Beyonce stan until Sunday, so I’m still reeling and finding myself say, “Yass, Mutha!” at the oddest times, so there’s that. Kelly and her bangs were…just…life. Michelle was there.

    In defense of our SuperDome, there WERE backups in place; lights didn’t just go out in the Dome, but the Arena and surrounding areas as well. Entergy (the electriciy company) had nothing to do with it.

    In short, the game was the best one since my beloved Saints slayed in 2010.

    Yasssss, Mutha! (see?..just all the time)

  25. Kenni
    February 5, 2013 at 11:04 pm — Reply

    Lemme tell you the only thing I liked about Bey’s halftime show was the recap you did. That’s just me though.

    People just be treatin that Michelle all kind of ways…. somebody know they wrong for the walker gif

  26. Q
    February 7, 2013 at 2:08 pm — Reply

    -I was happy JHud did not over sing America, the Beautiful….she looked amazing also.

    -Alicia Keys was wrong for that rendition of the National Anthem.

    -Give props to the NFL for letting the Sistahs do all of the game time entertainment. Good looking out.

    -I’m a fan of Bey and all, but I’m getting tired of the same booty shaking routines. It’s time to change it up. I let my daughters watch, and my 7 year old said “mommy, can she do more singing and less shaking?”

    -Destiny’s Child was just a cameo…would have been less of a ‘diss’ if they were not included.

    -the NFL pulled the plug on the Dome because they wanted a better 2nd half. IJS

    -My favorite commerical of the night was the Taco Bell one with the old people. I hollered through the entire commercial…i had to watch it twice to catch everything.

    -Can’t wait for your Scandal recap tomorrow!

  27. Von
    March 14, 2013 at 4:21 pm — Reply

    I hope Michelle Williams doesn’t reply at all or give this shine because she’s at the Super Bowl while Keyshia was probably making runs to Super K-Mart.”

    ANNNDDD….*six feet under.* I mean, dayum. Not Tar-jay or even Wal-Mart…but Super K-Mart, lol. Like, who even still goes there???

    And yeah, even though she had a point…saddown, Keysha. Have a whole food court of seats, already.

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