The 2013 Grammy Awards Were Decent. Or Maybe Twitter Tricked Me
The Grammys were relatively lowkey this year compared to previous ones. Because 2 out of the last 4 years, something MAJORLY tragic has happened before it. Thankfully, nothing crazy of note happened. WE TANK GAWD.
Anywho, my thoughts on the show are about everything but the award giving itself. You’re all used to this by now though so, it’s cool. Right? Right.
The Grammy Awards felt it was necessary to have a dress code this year that basically instructed folks to pt on clothes and stop having their Love Pockets on display for all. This doesn’t mean everyone looked good though. Some came looking FAHN DINNAMUG while others came looking like Lupe Fiasco did.
Lupe Fiasco brought himself to these awards rocking what looked like windbreaker pants, a tall jersey and an oversized blazer. Dude was looking like confusion and self-importance. His locs looked like they ain’t seen oil since 2010 and his clothes probably get washed when he walks by a fountain. WOMP.
Y’all know Adele is my boo. MAH BOO! But she was at the Grammys dressed like everyone’s granny’s couch. I still ove her though, dressed like furniture or not.
Amber Rose looked GORGEOUS, even though she’s about 13 months pregnant and ain’t quitting her love for lycra. It must be the about to be a new mommy glow. Even Wiz Khalifa stepped on the red carpet looking like he took a bath. Y’all put your hands together for him. WERK, WIZ!
Jennifer Lopez showed up rocking someone’s high school home ec project dress. It looked terrible and cheap and her thigh was the only thing appealing about it.
Beyoncé said she was gon come in an a Contempo Casuals jumpsuit and y’all will deal. She slapped her hair in a ponytail and showed up looking better than most there. Plus her yansh was SITTING in that romper. Beyonce’s yansh should win a Grammy. “Best Body Part Performance.”
Rihanna came to the Grammys dressed like herself from 2008, before rebellion and millions. And looking as high as gas prices. This girl… where is Iyanla to call her “Beloved” and fix it?
Katie Perry looked like a sexy plant in all green.
Ne-yo was rocking a blazer made with the finest of Reynold’s Aluminum foil.
But the person who slayed everyone was Kelly Rowland, who was looking like a tall drink of delicuous chocolate milk. SO PRETTY!
Taylor Swift opened up the show with some Alice the Wonderland-like thing. I really can’t wait until everyone else gets as sick of her as I am. Plus she was singing in the key of “what’s a key?” GO AWAY!
LL Cool J hosted the Grammys in a face that looked lighter than usual.He gotta tell them to chill on the Fashion Fair foundation that they insisted on using on him. And who dressed him? His blazer was Olivia Pope winter white and his shirt was President Ghost stark white. They don’t go together! And I must say he annoyed THE HELL outta me, constantly mentioning Twitter and “hashtag.” HASHTAG STFU AND HAVE A SEAT, LL! Ugh.
Fun. performed and I went to the kitchen for snacks. I came back and saw it was raining on stage. Now someone gotta go get a swiffer for the stage cuz these fools wanted to sing in the rain. I wish they had sang “We are young” though. I enjoy that song. It makes me wanna not pay my bills to go to Coachella to be dirty for a week.
Miguel reminded us that he has a great voice in a quick performance. I forget sometimes due to his conk. Wiz Khalifa performed with him while dressed as wallpaper.
Johnny Depp came to present looking like they disturbed his plans of scratching his scalp for the evening. He barely mumbled his two assigned sentences.
Justin Timberlake performed looking…I don’t know… different. Maybe he’s aging. But his hair was also straightened and y’all know he got curly hair. That joint was getting frizzier by the second as he performed ans sweated. I thought he was gon have his Jew-fro by the time he was finished. And Jay-Z hopped on stage to do his part in “Suit & Ties” and went to sit right back down. HA!
Alicia Keys won’t let us all forget that she’s on FIYAHHHHHH!!! Someone put her out already so she can stop singing it allatahm!
Kelly Clarkson won an award, and like everyone’s favorite drunk auntie, was the most charming person in the room. And she said to Miguel “I don’t know who the hell you are but we need to sing together.” I love drunk people.
I was looking forward to seeing Rihanna pon de dutty wine but she sang this very lovely song. She didn’t sound bad but I wanted twerking Rihanna not emoting one. Also, was she high?
Jay-Z, Frank Ocean and The Dream won an award. The Dream was dressed like a hoodrat oompa loompa and I was looking ridiculous. So when it was Jay-Z’s turn to speak and he said “I’d like to thank the swap meet for his hat” I hollered LOUDLY! YESSSSS, JAY! He won the evening. Everyone shoulda just gone home then.
Then Kelly Clarkson came and sang the house DOWN! They shoulda had Kelly sing at Whitney’s funeral. I’da be tornado rolling down the aisles. I want a Kelly and Adele duet to happen. YES, GAWD!
Bruno Mars kicked off the Bob Marley tribute with one of his songs. And then Sting came out and I got hyped because that’s the OG right there and he’s dope. But still, they didn’t sing a Bob song. THEN Ziggy and Damian Marley came out with Rihanna and they call sang “Could you be loved?” and I was jamming. And I couldn’t WAIT to see what song they’d perform next.
Except that was it for the tribute. There weren’t any more songs. Y’all sang ONE Bob song and called that a tribute? No Stir It Up? Redemption song? Turn Your Lights Down Low? No Woman No Cry? Y’all had STING up there. Can you imagine Sting singing “No Woman No Cry?” That woulda been AMAZING! Chile… my feelings are hurt. Don’t tell me they didn’t have enough time for a proper Marley tribute. Skip the Bruno Mars song and do an extra Bob song. BOOM! Ugh. Womp. It wasn’t bad. Just not enough.
Carrie Underwood performed dressed like a silver Hershey’s and of course she sang for her LIFE. And then the dress was used as a screen to project stuff on and it was awesome. She doesn’t disappoint.
Prince came to present an award while dressed as a stud. Dude had on a hood and was so pretty my eyes hurt when I looked directly at him. WERK, Pocket Purple One.
The group Alabama Shakes came through and also gave everyone tea for their fever, with their lead singer giving me Dorothy Zbornak swag. I wasn’t mad at it!
Frank Ocean performed and sounded like a whining cat. Who needs to be able to actually sing on key? WHO!?! O___O He sounded terrible, had no energy and no charisma. And then he finised it by whistling and I threw my house shoe at the TV. BOOOOOOOO!!!!
I understand the statement Frank Ocean made. I get it. He’s brave and courageous. But he has crappy stage presence and tepid vocals. And people are very protective of Frank, as if he’s some toddler. Folks roasted Alicia for sounding terrible. Frank sounded much worse. Yall don’t give AKeys any cookage but Frank Ocean’s bad performance was just “stage jitters.” Chile boom. He’s a professional? Come correct. Or is he too into his feelings to practice and get vocal coaching and learn to perform. Your lyrics mean nothing if I can’t pay attention. Either way, super womp!
And the show closed out with a performance with LL Cool J and Chuck D. LL’s agent must have forced their hand because on my list of performers I wanted to se, he wouldn’t be on Top 15. I’m so not seeing it for him anymore and I used to think he was UBER sexy. Methinks he lost it all tonight, tryna be that cool ass unc. Meanwhile, LL and Chuck were hopping around that stage and I thought they were gonna need Judge Verna’s oxygen tank backstage. All that jumping. They know they knees bad.
Anyway, it was a decent show. A bit heavy on the country music tip but whatevs. Or MAYBE Twitter tricked me into having a decent time because of the group roast session. Whatcha’ll think? What were your favorite performances? Who should fire their stylist? Let a G know.