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The 2013 Grammy Awards Were Decent. Or Maybe Twitter Tricked Me

The Grammys were relatively lowkey this year compared to previous ones. Because 2 out of the last 4 years, something MAJORLY tragic has happened before it. Thankfully, nothing crazy of note happened. WE TANK GAWD.

Anywho, my thoughts on the show are about everything but the award giving itself. You’re all used to this by now though so, it’s cool. Right? Right.

The Outfits

The Grammy Awards felt it was necessary to have a dress code this year that basically instructed folks to pt on clothes and stop having their Love Pockets on display for all. This doesn’t mean everyone looked good though. Some came looking FAHN DINNAMUG while others came looking like Lupe Fiasco did.

Lupe Fiasco brought himself to these awards rocking what looked like windbreaker pants, a tall jersey and an oversized blazer. Dude was looking like confusion and self-importance. His locs looked like they ain’t seen oil since 2010 and his clothes probably get washed when he walks by a fountain. WOMP.

Lupe Fiasco Grammys

Y’all know Adele is my boo. MAH BOO! But she was at the Grammys dressed like everyone’s granny’s couch. I still ove her though, dressed like furniture or not.

Amber Rose looked GORGEOUS, even though she’s about 13 months pregnant and ain’t quitting her love for lycra. It must be the about to be a new mommy glow. Even Wiz Khalifa stepped on the red carpet looking like he took a bath. Y’all put your hands together for him. WERK, WIZ!

Jennifer Lopez showed up rocking someone’s high school home ec project dress. It looked terrible and cheap and her thigh was the only thing appealing about it.

Beyoncé said she was gon come in an a Contempo Casuals jumpsuit and y’all will deal. She slapped her hair in a ponytail and showed up looking better than most there. Plus her yansh was SITTING in that romper. Beyonce’s yansh should win a Grammy. “Best Body Part Performance.”

Rihanna came to the Grammys dressed like herself from 2008, before rebellion and millions. And looking as high as gas prices. This girl… where is Iyanla to call her “Beloved” and fix it?

Rihanna Kelly Beyonce JLo Grammys

Pic from NecoleBitchie.com

Katie Perry looked like a sexy plant in all green.

Ne-yo was rocking a blazer made with the finest of Reynold’s Aluminum foil.

But the person who slayed everyone was Kelly Rowland, who was looking like a tall drink of delicuous chocolate milk. SO PRETTY!

The Show

Taylor Swift opened up the show with some Alice the Wonderland-like thing. I really can’t wait until everyone else gets as sick of her as I am. Plus she was singing in the key of “what’s a key?” GO AWAY!

LL Cool J hosted the Grammys in a face that looked lighter than usual.He gotta tell them to chill on the Fashion Fair foundation that they insisted on using on him. And who dressed him? His blazer was Olivia Pope winter white and his shirt was President Ghost stark white. They don’t go together! And I must say he annoyed THE HELL outta me, constantly mentioning Twitter and “hashtag.” HASHTAG STFU AND HAVE A SEAT, LL! Ugh.

Fun. performed and I went to the kitchen for snacks. I came back and saw it was raining on stage. Now someone gotta go get a swiffer for the stage cuz these fools wanted to sing in the rain. I wish they had sang “We are young” though. I enjoy that song. It makes me wanna not pay my bills to go to Coachella to be dirty for a week.

Miguel reminded us that he has a great voice in a quick performance. I forget sometimes due to his conk. Wiz Khalifa performed with him while dressed as wallpaper.

Wiz Khalifa Miguel Grammys

Pic from Popdust.com

Johnny Depp came to present looking like they disturbed his plans of scratching his scalp for the evening. He barely mumbled his two assigned sentences.

Justin Timberlake performed looking…I don’t know… different. Maybe he’s aging. But his hair was also straightened and y’all know he got curly hair. That joint was getting frizzier by the second as he performed ans sweated. I thought he was gon have his Jew-fro by the time he was finished. And Jay-Z hopped on stage to do his part in “Suit & Ties” and went to sit right back down. HA!

Alicia Keys won’t let us all forget that she’s on FIYAHHHHHH!!! Someone put her out already so she can stop singing it allatahm!

Kelly Clarkson won an award, and like everyone’s favorite drunk auntie, was the most charming person in the room. And she said to Miguel “I don’t know who the hell you are but we need to sing together.” I love drunk people.

I was looking forward to seeing Rihanna pon de dutty wine but she sang this very lovely song. She didn’t sound bad but I wanted twerking Rihanna not emoting one. Also, was she high?

Jay-Z, Frank Ocean and The Dream won an award. The Dream was dressed like a hoodrat oompa loompa and I was looking ridiculous. So when it was Jay-Z’s turn to speak and he said “I’d like to thank the swap meet for his hat” I hollered LOUDLY! YESSSSS, JAY! He won the evening. Everyone shoulda just gone home then.

Dream JayZ Grammys

Then Kelly Clarkson came and sang the house DOWN! They shoulda had Kelly sing at Whitney’s funeral. I’da be tornado rolling down the aisles. I want a Kelly and Adele duet to happen. YES, GAWD!

Bruno Mars kicked off the Bob Marley tribute with one of his songs. And then Sting came out and I got hyped because that’s the OG right there and he’s dope. But still, they didn’t sing a Bob song. THEN Ziggy and Damian Marley came out with Rihanna and they call sang “Could you be loved?” and I was jamming. And I couldn’t WAIT to see what song they’d perform next.

Sting, Bruno Mars, Ziggy Marley, Rihanna

Pic from VH1.com

Except that was it for the tribute. There weren’t any more songs. Y’all sang ONE Bob song and called that a tribute? No Stir It Up? Redemption song? Turn Your Lights Down Low? No Woman No Cry? Y’all had STING up there. Can you imagine Sting singing “No Woman No Cry?” That woulda been AMAZING! Chile… my feelings are hurt. Don’t tell me they didn’t have enough time for a proper Marley tribute. Skip the Bruno Mars song and do an extra Bob song. BOOM! Ugh. Womp. It wasn’t bad. Just not enough.

Carrie Underwood performed dressed like a silver Hershey’s and of course she sang for her LIFE. And then the dress was used as a screen to project stuff on and it was awesome. She doesn’t disappoint.

Prince came to present an award while dressed as a stud. Dude had on a hood and was so pretty my eyes hurt when I looked directly at him. WERK, Pocket Purple One.

The group Alabama Shakes came through and also gave everyone tea for their fever, with their lead singer giving me Dorothy Zbornak swag. I wasn’t mad at it!

Frank Ocean performed and sounded like a whining cat. Who needs to be able to actually sing on key? WHO!?! O___O He sounded terrible, had no energy and no charisma. And then he finised it by whistling and I threw my house shoe at the TV. BOOOOOOOO!!!!

Boo This Man gif

I understand the statement Frank Ocean made. I get it. He’s brave and courageous. But he has crappy stage presence and tepid vocals. And people are very protective of Frank, as if he’s some toddler. Folks roasted Alicia for sounding terrible. Frank sounded much worse. Yall don’t give AKeys any cookage but Frank Ocean’s bad performance was just “stage jitters.” Chile boom. He’s a professional? Come correct. Or is he too into his feelings to practice and get vocal coaching and learn to perform. Your lyrics mean nothing if I can’t pay attention. Either way, super womp!

And the show closed out with a performance with LL Cool J and Chuck D. LL’s agent must have forced their hand because on my list of performers I wanted to se, he wouldn’t be on Top 15. I’m so not seeing it for him anymore and I used to think he was UBER sexy. Methinks he lost it all tonight, tryna be that cool ass unc. Meanwhile, LL and Chuck were hopping around that stage and I thought they were gonna need Judge Verna’s oxygen tank backstage. All that jumping. They know they knees bad.

Anyway, it was a decent show. A bit heavy on the country music tip but whatevs. Or MAYBE Twitter tricked me into having a decent time because of the group roast session. Whatcha’ll think? What were your favorite performances? Who should fire their stylist? Let a G know.

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27 Comments

  1. Manda
    February 11, 2013 at 7:12 am — Reply

    It was blah at best. I kept turning and fell asleep before the end.

    • Lexi
      February 11, 2013 at 10:57 am — Reply

      Miguel reminded me he could really sang

      Ms.Rowland has Nas speechless, did ya’ll notice him saying damn when before he went to the mic with her to present. I said YAAAASSSS werk CHOCOLATE BROWN LADY WERRRRRRRRK! I just love her!

      lol me too!!! I was really expecting more for the bob marley tribute, I truly was whining mi waistline and got ready for more then it ended and I was like what?!

      Now Kelly Clarkson kept my attention with her tribute, I was like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS THIS IS WHY YOU WON AI GIRL!

      Everything else was eh and I fell asleep right after Kelly sang and gave me life.

  2. February 11, 2013 at 7:19 am — Reply

    Thanks for letting me know that I didn’t miss much. Oh but I did see JT and he did look off. Hope that wasent intentional

  3. February 11, 2013 at 7:23 am — Reply

    First and foremost I want to thank Sean Carter for calling out The Dream…. hallelujah!!! shhhooulldaaabottaaahuunndddaa!!! Im telling you….that was nothing but the Looorddd! That wrap up music stopped when Jay-Z took the mike. It was divine intervention. Don’t do it again Dream!

    Out of all da damn songs lil black drummer boy could have sang, he wanna sing “Forest Gump”???? I had to contain myself at the end because this fool got the whistling dixie…Dear God…build a fence over his entire life right now. I enjoyed his album like everyone else, but please…we get it! You are timid and bisexual and got your heart broken by a down low brotha…you still sad? NEXT PLEASE!

    Ok…so ummm. Taylor Swift. I changed the channel once the second beat dropped, but what was the most annoying about her was her audience presence. Too hyped while off beat for me…you hyped about everything and nothing.

    Justin Timberlake, got traded in the draft a while back to be black. When he became a free agent he left to be white. You got dropped from the team and now wanna come back to be a blue eye soul singa?? Naw boo boo…that takes time. Poor dudes steps and dance moves were a little forced. I wanted it so bad for him, but he looked like a broke down version of Robin Thicke. I will give him time to find himself.

    Kelly Clarkson, drunk, messy and still sang like she was calling someone home to meet da savior! Love her!

    I can’t mess with you Luvvie for the Adele couch fabric! LMAOOO dear lord up above so high!!!! why she do that????? and yes I agree from the red carpet through these two fools in love: chris and rihanna were in fact high as a kite! LOL

    • Elle
      February 13, 2013 at 6:26 pm — Reply

      THANK YOU for this JT comment Desiree! Accurate.

  4. KathyMo
    February 11, 2013 at 7:27 am — Reply

    This is spot on. I thought Jennifer Lopez’s dress was getting caught in her panties when she walked until I realized it was a hole and not a split. I had to take a bathroom break on Frank Ocean’s performance. Was he singing a love song to Forest Gump? The world is not ready for a Kelly C./Adele collabo! Katy Perry’s dress was nice, but if one more dude posted a TV screenshot of her tittie window. I swear they were acting like 12 y/o boys. John Mayer looked like Willie Wonka went on a drinking binge and came out of the chocolate factory. Did you see the post Grammy pic of Jay Z drinking liquor out of his Grammy? What was the 2nd tragic act on 4 years? All in all the show was good, a

  5. February 11, 2013 at 7:37 am — Reply

    I demand a refund on life for the many times we’ve been forced to listen to that damb ”girl on fire song”. It’s some kind of anthem, yet… I don’t feel inspired after hearing it, just stabby. I wish the audience hadn’t given them a standing ovation; such actions only encourage it. I think everyone was just confused. ”Let’s all act like we like it!”

    As always, Luvvie, your recaps have me rolling, espec that Frank Ocean fail-to-tune and LL as errybody’s ”Im still with it!” uncle!

  6. zionsmama
    February 11, 2013 at 7:39 am — Reply

    the alabama shakes part was actually a tribute to all the music people who died. and it was also mavis staples, Elton John, and the lead singer from mumford and sons among others.

  7. milaxx
    February 11, 2013 at 7:40 am — Reply

    Adele and Kelly both need to fire their stylist.

    Adele is 23 years old and the first time she’s not dressed like she’s going to a funeral, she’s wearing an alphet made from my nana’s sofa & curtains.

    Kelly Clarkson seems like a cool chick, but that hair and the dresses that never fit have got to go.

    Both ladies deserve better.

    I no longer need to hear Aliica on fiyah, Taylor never,ever, or Frank Ocean anything.

  8. GloBug
    February 11, 2013 at 8:17 am — Reply

    Adele’s dress was a bit Mrs. Doubtfire-ish, wasn’t it?

  9. February 11, 2013 at 8:23 am — Reply

    I am still mad about that sorry excuse for a Bob Marley tribute. Bruno Mars is aiight, and I love me some Sting, but couldn’t they sing a Bob song? We got half of “Could You Be Loved” and that’s it?

    In fashion, LOVED Kelly Rowland’s dress with all the peekaboos in the right places. But Kelly Clarkson and Adele need to find new stylists immediately!

  10. Jctrez
    February 11, 2013 at 8:32 am — Reply

    I’m going to say Frank Ocean needs a new stylist the most … That first outfit; The turtleneck under that blue scrub suit, looking like he was going to his second job as a medical assistant when he left the Grammys. Then that second outfit change, I get he was trying to match the yellow lines in the road but I kept waiting for him to get hit with a dodge ball. I know it was the headband.

  11. Clotel
    February 11, 2013 at 8:34 am — Reply

    Frank Ocean CAN’T sing! Thanks Gawd you said it! He is really brave for putting his personal life out there like that, but he can’t sing and he’s boring.

    • MimiLuvs
      February 11, 2013 at 7:38 pm — Reply

      I keep telling people that Frank’s voice reminds me of a dog whistle. But, everybody wants to label him as an artist who makes brilliant music.

    • Just one mo messy opinion
      February 11, 2013 at 8:30 pm — Reply

      Right but did they CREATE a category just to give him a Grammy?

      Why? He doesn’t move me

  12. TajMahal
    February 11, 2013 at 8:47 am — Reply

    People I now like after watching the Grammys:

    Rihanna – Brrrap, brrrap, brrrrap…she couldn’t help it. Yes, island gal! She said I’m gon’ be with Chris and figure my life out, and if ya don’t like it…! And she looked purty and put together that night.

    Jack White – His crew was letting them guitars and drums HAVE IT! With his pseudo-mariachi outfit. I loved it!

    Aunty Mavis (Staples) – Already loved her, but awww, snap! She showed up, and my love has been renewed.

    Alabama Shakes – That lead singer Brittany was giving me the air in my lungs with that voice. I am now a fan.

    Kelly Rowland – Always liked her better than her hollering beige counterpart, but she showed up looking damn good in her gown. Looking like a goddess. I need to revisit her music.

    • February 11, 2013 at 10:45 am — Reply

      Yasss @ Kelly Rowland…I feel and have always felt the same way. She SLAYED last night!

    • MimiLuvs
      February 12, 2013 at 9:28 pm — Reply

      I have a hunch that there are going to ratchet renditions of Ms. Rowland’s dress at this year’s proms, in ghetto bridal parties, baby showers, graduation parties, quiceneiras, Sweet 16s…

  13. February 11, 2013 at 10:33 am — Reply

    By hour two, I went to sleep. I didn’t even make it to Frank’s performance, but I’ve seen him before and it couldn’t have been any better than the other bad ones. I didn’t enjoy the Grammys, but I wouldn’t say that they were terrible.

  14. Christie
    February 11, 2013 at 11:47 am — Reply

    Is Lupe wearing those shoes with the built in toes?

  15. Angela
    February 11, 2013 at 12:27 pm — Reply

    The irony of this line
    “His blazer was Olivia Pope winter white and his shirt was President Ghost stark white.They don’t go together.” Had me laughing & crying at the same time.

    The use of The Sound of Music Mountains during Frank Oceans performance was just an abombination.

    Justin Timberlake’s performance,meh Robin Thicke did the act better.

    I’m surprised the CBS censors didn’t blur Rihanna’s Isis tatoo underboob while she was doing the Marley tribute.

    When is Janelle Monae going to have a style intervention?

  16. Terri
    February 11, 2013 at 12:48 pm — Reply

    Holup. Wayment. Wth happened to Lupe Fiasco?! When did this abomination…I mean transformation occur. iCant.

  17. Kisha
    February 11, 2013 at 6:43 pm — Reply

    “Plus her yansh was SITTING in that romper. Beyonce’s yansh should win a Grammy. “Best Body Part Performance.”

    This is why I keep coming back… #murked

  18. Sparkle T
    February 11, 2013 at 8:23 pm — Reply

    Taylor should have Swiftly exited stage anywhere.

    Somebody give Alicia a fire extinguisher. Or some antibiotics. And then hand her ass a flame resistant seat.

    Apparently someone locked away the “key” because quite a few of the artists couldn’t find it.

    Prince gave me Rachel Marron “Queen of the Night” swag.

    Who was the older lady in the bedazzled choir robe and dollar store wig?

  19. nichole
    February 12, 2013 at 12:58 am — Reply

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention anything about Rick Ross in his tux. He got the memo and wasn’t showing any under-boob.

    I guess they keep having the same performers to keep viewers but I can really do without seeing another performance from Taylor Swift and Rihanna. I fast forward through Alicia Keys. I thought she was set to break another record for longest song sung and I didn’t have time for that.

    The Bob Marley tribute was a disappoint with only one song. WTH! Also, it should be Grammy rules that a performer only performs once in show (Rihanna).

    Best of the night was Jay-Z, sitting in the front row like royalty, sipping cognac, and walking up from the audience not backstage to perform.

  20. February 12, 2013 at 1:20 am — Reply

    I didn’t watch because it was tape-delayed on the West Coast and I was SALTY about it. The worst part was, I thought they were streaming on the grammy website. They only streamed the red carpet. Anywho, I watched Frank Ocean, Miguel + Wiz, and Taylor Swift online. Frank needs to find a key, Wiz needs to find a shirt, and Taylor needs to quit. Did she really dis that One Direction dude she dated for like a week in the middle of her performance? Kanye shoulda crashed

  21. Rizzy
    February 18, 2013 at 11:43 am — Reply

    The phrase ‘Hoodrat Oompa Loompa’ has had me laughing like a loon for the last 20 minutes!

    I stumbled onto your blog just recently, and it’s definitely become one of my favorites, thanks for your awesome and hilarious insight!

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