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I Must Have Missed the Holy Book Signing

One of my longtime readers, Caroline, dropped a goodie on my Facebook wall and I shook my head so hard I sued myself for assault. Look:

Signed Holy Bible

It says “signed copy.” *looks around* Ummmm who signed this Bible? Word on the street is that Jesus ain’t back yet so unless I missed something, I’m really perplexed as to the signee. Like completely confused.

Did Jesus have an event at Barnes & Noble that no one told me about? Because that is one newsletter notification I KNOW I didn’t unsubscribe for. Somebody dropped the ball if that was the case. They know I love Christ. I shoulda been first in line for that signature.

Who signed this book and who gave them the right? Was it Morgan Freeman? Cecily Tyson? Barbara Walters? Because those three could sign this book and it’d be justified. Seeing as how they were instrumental in the creation. Barbara typed the book up as Morgan narrated and Cecily was head editor. She made sure no spelling errors were present. If it wasn’t one of this trinity, then I say NAWL!

Maybe it was Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. Either way, I hope they’re sharing the proceeds with Jesus because embezzling Christ’s funds ain’t just gon be jail time but eternal condemnation in Texas at high noon in the middle of summer with no shade and four sweaters on.

So… can someone tell me who signed this copy?

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37 Comments

  1. March 20, 2013 at 10:25 pm — Reply

    *laughing too hard to come up with a witty comment*

  2. Shawn
    March 20, 2013 at 10:30 pm — Reply

    Luvvie…dont talk about Mama Cecily! You remember what happened the last time you threw some shade her way! Mama Cecily will NOT be fooled with!

  3. March 20, 2013 at 10:31 pm — Reply

    iCan’t.

    • March 20, 2013 at 10:36 pm — Reply

      i mean- literally-
      i am unable to tell you
      who signed this bible.

      but, also- figuratively-
      i just simply cannot.

  4. March 20, 2013 at 10:37 pm — Reply

    It was probably Beyonce. Her stans got her thinkin she can walk in Jesus’ sandals.

    • evelyn
      March 21, 2013 at 11:29 am — Reply

      I think you may be right about that..

  5. isonprize
    March 20, 2013 at 10:39 pm — Reply

    *blink* *blink*

  6. Jai Jackson
    March 20, 2013 at 10:45 pm — Reply

    If I had walked into a book store and saw Jesus sitting at a table signing copies of the Holy Bible, I’d turn around to see if it was raining fire and brimstone (O_o).

  7. CafeGirlsPress
    March 21, 2013 at 12:23 am — Reply

    I just wonder which one of us is gonna find this purchased, signed copy in their Easter Basket? I know someone’s auntie is gonna be the proud bearer of this gift.

    Also was it signed before or after it was shrink-wrapped?

    • March 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm — Reply

      He is Jesus! He can sign it any whicha way, y’know…

    • Kwan
      May 14, 2014 at 8:06 pm — Reply

      LISTEN!!!! She is gonna be beaming with pride like she just found the deal of the century at a garage sale. Chile she gone see the child pull out the Bible and she will say “You see I got’chu a signed copy. I don’t even have a signed copy.”

  8. Minacakes
    March 21, 2013 at 1:29 am — Reply

    “To All Mankind. With Love”
    -JC

    O_o

    • Tee
      March 29, 2013 at 12:15 am — Reply

      hilarious!!!

  9. Kimberly
    March 21, 2013 at 4:45 am — Reply

    Clearly Maya Angelou was in on this as well. She is heavenly like the angels and been around FORever

    • Kid
      March 21, 2013 at 12:39 pm — Reply

      OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Excessive but so necessary. I just died. I can’t live anymore!

  10. Drea
    March 21, 2013 at 8:12 am — Reply

    Please stop it, LMBO!!!

  11. YVe
    March 21, 2013 at 9:08 am — Reply

    Its Kanye. He is naming his next album is titled “I am God” isn’t he? Oh, he is not? My bad.

  12. RozB
    March 21, 2013 at 11:18 am — Reply

    The inside cover said:

    To Luvvie with Love!

    How did I know your name? Whose son am I? Keep the laughter cacklin’ and crackin’!

    Much Love,
    Jesus H. Christ

    • LadyT
      March 21, 2013 at 11:35 am — Reply

      What does the H. stand for? Hebrew?

      • Mrs. Roman
        March 21, 2013 at 12:25 pm — Reply

        It stands for Hallowed, apparently. At least, that’s what Christopher Moore said in “Lamb,” but he’s a humor author, so probably not the most trustworthy source.

        • May 14, 2014 at 5:10 pm — Reply

          Actually, my friend the pastors wife heard from her 6 year old daughter that it stands for Howard. As in Jesus Christ, Howard be his name!!

      • RozB
        March 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm — Reply

        Maybe it’s just a letter used so he could complete forms that need a full name, including middle initial.

        No? Okay then… (._.*}

        • RozB
          March 21, 2013 at 12:33 pm — Reply

          Should be ‘He’, not ‘he’.

      • Yoles
        March 21, 2013 at 12:34 pm — Reply

        when i was a lil girl i just knew the H stood for Holy…

        guess not

        • Jai Jackson
          March 21, 2013 at 1:41 pm — Reply

          His full name is Jesus Hallowed-be-thy-name Christ. Facebook Name Game Proper (y’all know He’s black, right O_o).

          • Flyy
            March 21, 2013 at 3:50 pm

            “Facebook Name Game Proper:

            I DIE!! Rise again. And Die.

          • AH
            March 22, 2013 at 12:13 am

            I hope that was a joke. His Biblical name is Jesus Son of Joseph. The word Christ means “the annointed one” and is a representation of his diety as God’s son. It is not his actual birth name.

          • May 14, 2014 at 5:12 pm

            @AH. Lighten up Francis

  13. Say Tan
    March 22, 2013 at 6:09 am — Reply

    Okay, okay it was me. I was hoping I could sneak this one past everyone but ya got me. Since this didn’t work out imma just go np back to possessing the soul of Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

    Deuces.
    Bill Z. Bub

  14. KeeWee
    March 22, 2013 at 11:40 am — Reply

    @RozB and @Jai Jackson….I will be sending you two, along with luvie my pink slip and hospital bil…I literally laughed out loud (at work)…Ya comments done slayed me….and I am unable….

  15. Randomly Jazzy
    March 25, 2013 at 9:27 am — Reply

    “Barbara typed the book up as Morgan narrated and Cecily was head editor.” I’m goin up yonder!!! SMH It’s entirely too early to deal with you this morning. I knew better, but I couldn’t help myself.

  16. March 26, 2013 at 1:18 am — Reply

    Remember when Mel Gibson wrote a book based on “The Passion of the Christ?” Coulda been him

    • December 14, 2014 at 6:54 pm — Reply

      Guh! he can’t even take the wheel necause its broken. Morgan, Cicely and Barbara broke it.

  17. Mimi
    May 14, 2014 at 11:28 am — Reply

    First, Sister Bernice Jenkins saw Christ in the macaroni & cheese she made on The Rickey Smiley Show. Now there’s a signed copy of the Bible. Man, people be trippin for real!!!!

  18. GENESIS
    May 14, 2014 at 11:31 am — Reply

    Throwing holy oil on myself … Luvvie, this is hilarious!!! Jesús signed it … I know, I know I’m going to the corner. #politicallyincorrect

  19. Tia Harrison
    May 14, 2014 at 3:04 pm — Reply

    Fix it Jesus *in my Phaedra voice*

  20. December 14, 2014 at 9:44 am — Reply

    It was Mother Oprah. Signed copies for members of her Highly Favored Book Club.

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