I Must Have Missed the Holy Book Signing

[ 35 ] March 20, 2013 |

One of my longtime readers, Caroline, dropped a goodie on my Facebook wall and I shook my head so hard I sued myself for assault. Look:

Signed Holy Bible

It says “signed copy.” *looks around* Ummmm who signed this Bible? Word on the street is that Jesus ain’t back yet so unless I missed something, I’m really perplexed as to the signee. Like completely confused.

Did Jesus have an event at Barnes & Noble that no one told me about? Because that is one newsletter notification I KNOW I didn’t unsubscribe for. Somebody dropped the ball if that was the case. They know I love Christ. I shoulda been first in line for that signature.

Who signed this book and who gave them the right? Was it Morgan Freeman? Cecily Tyson? Barbara Walters? Because those three could sign this book and it’d be justified. Seeing as how they were instrumental in the creation. Barbara typed the book up as Morgan narrated and Cecily was head editor. She made sure no spelling errors were present. If it wasn’t one of this trinity, then I say NAWL!

Maybe it was Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. Either way, I hope they’re sharing the proceeds with Jesus because embezzling Christ’s funds ain’t just gon be jail time but eternal condemnation in Texas at high noon in the middle of summer with no shade and four sweaters on.

So… can someone tell me who signed this copy?

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Comments (35)

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  1. Zandria says:

    *laughing too hard to come up with a witty comment*

  2. Shawn says:

    Luvvie…dont talk about Mama Cecily! You remember what happened the last time you threw some shade her way! Mama Cecily will NOT be fooled with!

  3. Thomas G says:

    It was probably Beyonce. Her stans got her thinkin she can walk in Jesus’ sandals.

  4. isonprize says:

    *blink* *blink*

  5. Jai Jackson says:

    If I had walked into a book store and saw Jesus sitting at a table signing copies of the Holy Bible, I’d turn around to see if it was raining fire and brimstone (O_o).

  6. CafeGirlsPress says:

    I just wonder which one of us is gonna find this purchased, signed copy in their Easter Basket? I know someone’s auntie is gonna be the proud bearer of this gift.

    Also was it signed before or after it was shrink-wrapped?

    • RozB says:

      He is Jesus! He can sign it any whicha way, y’know…

    • Kwan says:

      LISTEN!!!! She is gonna be beaming with pride like she just found the deal of the century at a garage sale. Chile she gone see the child pull out the Bible and she will say “You see I got’chu a signed copy. I don’t even have a signed copy.”

  7. Minacakes says:

    “To All Mankind. With Love”


  8. Kimberly says:

    Clearly Maya Angelou was in on this as well. She is heavenly like the angels and been around FORever

    • Kid says:


  9. Drea says:

    Please stop it, LMBO!!!

  10. YVe says:

    Its Kanye. He is naming his next album is titled “I am God” isn’t he? Oh, he is not? My bad.

  11. RozB says:

    The inside cover said:

    To Luvvie with Love!

    How did I know your name? Whose son am I? Keep the laughter cacklin’ and crackin’!

    Much Love,
    Jesus H. Christ

  12. Say Tan says:

    Okay, okay it was me. I was hoping I could sneak this one past everyone but ya got me. Since this didn’t work out imma just go np back to possessing the soul of Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

    Bill Z. Bub

  13. KeeWee says:

    @RozB and @Jai Jackson….I will be sending you two, along with luvie my pink slip and hospital bil…I literally laughed out loud (at work)…Ya comments done slayed me….and I am unable….

  14. Randomly Jazzy says:

    “Barbara typed the book up as Morgan narrated and Cecily was head editor.” I’m goin up yonder!!! SMH It’s entirely too early to deal with you this morning. I knew better, but I couldn’t help myself.

  15. Remember when Mel Gibson wrote a book based on “The Passion of the Christ?” Coulda been him

  16. Mimi says:

    First, Sister Bernice Jenkins saw Christ in the macaroni & cheese she made on The Rickey Smiley Show. Now there’s a signed copy of the Bible. Man, people be trippin for real!!!!

  17. GENESIS says:

    Throwing holy oil on myself … Luvvie, this is hilarious!!! Jesús signed it … I know, I know I’m going to the corner. #politicallyincorrect

  18. Tia Harrison says:

    Fix it Jesus *in my Phaedra voice*

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