Beyoncé is the world’s biggest popstar right now and whether you love her or not, it’s hard to argue this fact. Based purely on her numbers and accomplishments and current popularity, she is. Every move of hers is clocked and folks act a fool at the sound of her name. Especially the people on Twitter, who are already pre-disposed to senselessness. When Beyonce is thrown in the mix, chaos ensues EVERY TIME. For hours. And sometimes, for days.
Stages of Twitter Dealing with a Beyonce Event
And you know I got a cheap chart to go with it. Because charts make everything more awesome.
Stage 1: Beyonce sneezes, coughs, swings her hair, takes a picture, releases a single, performs
It doesn’t matter what Beyonce does but when she does it, it starts a cycle of chaos that doesn’t stop until it’s run its course. A lot of times, we have previous notice of whatever it is. But sometimes, she goes and does something out of the blue to keep everyone on their toes. And because she feels like it and can do it. So she’ll post a picture of herself on Instagram meanmugging us all. Or updates her website with a handwritten note. Or she’ll drop a song called “Bow Down” telling all the bitches and haters to kiss her ass. OR sometimes, it’s not even anything she does, and someone just mentions her name.
Stage 2: The BeyHive (her stans) lose their minds
This is immediately following the release of whatever it is that Beyonce did. Stans lose their entire minds and spend hours going YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS and WERRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and SHE DID THATTTTTTTTT. Imagine 3-4 hours of this:
It’s actually quite comical. I just picture folks doing collective leyomi drops wherever they are in jubilation that she has blessed them. I’m sure some are in tears because they can’t express their joy well enough that the aunty/sis/bff they’ve never met just threw something else in their lives. The stans who are bloggers have already pressed “publish” on the posts announcing the news and it’s only been out for 43 seconds. It is declared the “BEST ___________ EVER.” It’s just a euphoric time for the BeyHive, as they thank Beysus for her goodness and glory.
By the way, the word “stans” is for super fans. Remember that Eminem song “Stan” where he rapped about a crazy fan who was obsessed with him? Yeah. That’s where the usage of “stans” comes from. Or some say it’s a mashup for “stalker” and “fans.” The more you know. *shooting star behind K-list celebrity*
Stage 3: Illuminati accusations
As stans celebrate, conspiracy theorists and overall dumbasses insist on telling us all that whatever Bey just did is connected to her devil worshipping and further proof that she is a firm member of the Illuminati (or as some of the especially idiotic say “alomunati”). Because surely, there’s no way she could be that successful without having sold her soul to someone. O__O
They’ll tell us there’s a triangle reflecting from her eyeball in the picture. Or that smirk she has is to her fellow evil illuminati members. Or if you slow down the track, you’ll hear her saying 666 in the lost language of NAWLLatin. They are so sincere about their wacky theories that you just know they have to trip on air because they’re so foolish. They just need to have damb seat.
Stage 4: Debates on quality of Beyonce’s latest whatever
This is when people talk about how good or bad Beyonce’s new picture/burp/song is. Some people really talk about it from a grounded place, saying what parts were solid, what could have been done better and all that. Meanwhile, stans aren’t trying to hear anything besides “IT WAS EVERYTHING AND LIFE AND YOU WILL GAG.”
Folks will talk about the musicality of the song, whether the picture was photoshopped or if the gap between her thighs really exist and anything else. It’s where some stans, who follow her CLOSELY will break it down to you why it was so good. They’ll tell you what keys she was singing the first verse in and how she changed it in verse 2 effortlessly. They’ll also tell you that this is especially brilliant because it draws from *random pop culture reference here*. It’s quite impressive for one to store so much info about someone else in their brainspace.
This stage can be productive because it can have some intelligent conversation. And it shows that some stans are capable of engaging in healthy conversation about Bey. Until the simpletons ruin it. This is the shortest stage, and often doesn’t last more than 15 minutes before hell breaks loose.
Stage 4.5: People express apathy or extreme dislike at whatever Beyonce just released
Here is where some people declare that whatever it is that Beyonce just did is overrated and they talk about how they’re not really impressed by it. They aren’t Beyonce stans or fans, but they are also not irrational in their hate for her. These middle grounders are folks I kinda appreciate because they are usually level-headed and not extreme in how they feel about her (good or bad).
Then there are the ones who think whatever she just does is garbage.
They’ll say that the record/picture/onesie is the worst thing they ever saw or say some ridiculous thing like “Rihanna is better than Beyonce.” You mean she’s better at being more terrible? That must be it. The statements that happen here can ALMOST justify how spastic the BeyHive is, because people aren’t partial at all and are blinded by their annoyance of Mrs. Carter. Like how a picture of her holding Blue Ivy caused an eStorm of some people saying the girl she’s holding couldn’t be Blue because she was too tall. Some folks REALLY try it.
But this stage goes seamlessly into the next, which is when shit really hits the fan.
Stage 5: Stans go AWF on anyone who thinks it ISN’T the best thing ever
Outside of the people who just proclaim anything Beyonce does as horrible, there are some people who have legitimate reasons for not liking her music and they will articulate them without cussing her and her mama out. These folks unfortunately get lumped in with the fools up top. And when they talk about their indifference for Beyonce, the stans go IN on them!
How dare you to think Beyonce doesn’t wake up and piss excellence? HOW DARE YOU? Also, you’re just a haterbitch who ain’t never did shit in your life and will never do anything which is why you open your mouth and criticize the King Queen Earl Knight Knowles. BELEEDAT. Anyone who even utters a word against Beyonce is proclaimed the world’s biggest failure, who is only jealous of all her accomplishments.
The BeyHive is ruthless and they make it a point to search for her name on Twitter just to find people to drag. They snatch wigs like they’re getting paid for it and I have to believe most of them are 14-year olds who really have nothing better to do. Because who does that??
And the worst part is that this is the stage that goes on the longest. If the BeyHive is anything, it’s persistent. They got endurance to snatch wigs for DAYS. To them, it’s a full time job. Allow me to quote myself when I say:
“It never ceases to amaze me how passionate they are about repping for someone who doesn’t even know they exist. While Beyonce’s on stage running the world, you’re sitting on your computer in your mama’s basement cursing everyone who doesn’t call her their savior. She’s somewhere not giving a damb about you but you’re going to bat for her like she died for you on a cross.”
Stage 6 – Dragging of faves, other celebrities and/or former rivals of Beyonce
The stans must remind us all that other celebrities we love do not measure up to the glory of Mrs. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. So in this stage, they spend their time dragging famous people who aren’t on her level. And they even drag some who are just because they aren’t Bey. They must remind us of how inadequate our faves are.
You don’t like Beyonce but you like *insert another singer here*? You’re an idiot and that is a fact that no one can argyue. Not according to the BeyHive, anyway.
This is also where any celebrities who are not vocal supporters and fans of Beyonce better log off and shut the hell up. Otherwise, anything they say can and will be used against them in the court of draggage. And sometimes, it’s completely unrelated to her and sometimes it’s shade. But folks are looking to drag them no matter what. So they better be careful. Celebrities need to make sure that is not the time they tweet something like “People who are at the top get arrogant.” Even if they’re not talking about Bey, folks will assume they are and drag them accordingly.
Stage 6.5. – Keri Hilson’s draggage
This is where Keri Hilson is guaranteed to get her wig snatched. It does not fail but when Beyoncé gets any praises. Miss Keri Baby will get dragged. Her mentions will look like the war on drugs as the BeyHive swarm in to tell her how “ain’t shit” she is. She could log on and say “hey” and people will lose their minds over it. It all stems from Keri’s perceived hateration of Bey because of one time when she was told to tell her happy birthday and she declined. Now, everyone thinks Keri spends her days with sticking a Bey voodoo doll with pins. As a result, she’s become her archnemesis, according to the folks on Twitter and they don’t let her cook.
Every day of her life, a stan will tell Keri Hilson to go jump off a cliff or something similarly awful. Yes, doing the absolute most with the utter least. They treat Keri so damb bad! They even made this graphic.
If only they used their powers for good. We might be able to cure cancer and solve world hunger.
Stage 7 – People go off on the stans for being extra
After enduring hours of their acting up, folks get fed up of the behavior of the stans, who have dragged both those deserving and innocent bystanders on their campaign to protect Beyonce. And they don’t seem to have any boundaries as far as the insults they throw out. They never tire of endlessly telling people “kill yourself” and just being painful boils on the ass of the internet. As if they’re getting paid to be jackasses on her behalf. I disapprove of their behavior, like Afro Man below.
Beyoncé stans are the worst things about Beyonce. Seriously. Y’all gotta annoy yourselves sometimes. You just must. They swear that it is their birth right to defend her to the grave and I wish they’d get other hobbies.
I like Beyonce. I really like her music. I think she’s an amazing performer. I don’t, however, think she’s the reason for life.
I just wish every time a Beyoncé event happened, Twitter didn’t crumble into a multi-hour messfest. But it does. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. So these are the stages. I’m sure we’re only an hour from the next cycle starting. Brace yourselves. If it helps, filter out her name from your timeline.
Did I miss anything? Is this accurate? What stage is your favorite and least favorite? Tell a G!
Sites That Link to this Post
- Stages of Twitter Dealing with a Beyoncé Event | Comedy Comments | March 30, 2013
- A Quick Confession | April 16, 2013