Stages of Twitter Dealing with a Beyoncé Event

[ 67 ] March 25, 2013 |

Beyoncé is the world’s biggest popstar right now and whether you love her or not, it’s hard to argue this fact. Based purely on her numbers and accomplishments and current popularity, she is. Every move of hers is clocked and folks act a fool at the sound of her name. Especially the people on Twitter, who are already pre-disposed to senselessness. When Beyonce is thrown in the mix, chaos ensues EVERY TIME. For hours. And sometimes, for days.

I brought you the Stages of Twitter Grief of Celebrity Deaths and the Stages of Twitter Celebrity Roast and Wig Snatch. Now, I present:

Stages of Twitter Dealing with a Beyonce Event

And you know I got a cheap chart to go with it. Because charts make everything more awesome.

Beyonce Cycle on Twitter

Stage 1: Beyonce sneezes, coughs, swings her hair, takes a picture, releases a single, performs

It doesn’t matter what Beyonce does but when she does it, it starts a cycle of chaos that doesn’t stop until it’s run its course. A lot of times, we have previous notice of whatever it is. But sometimes, she goes and does something out of the blue to keep everyone on their toes. And because she feels like it and can do it. So she’ll post a picture of herself on Instagram meanmugging us all. Or updates her website with a handwritten note. Or she’ll drop a song called “Bow Down” telling all the bitches and haters to kiss her ass. OR sometimes, it’s not even anything she does, and someone just mentions her name.

Stage 2: The BeyHive (her stans) lose their minds

This is immediately following the release of whatever it is that Beyonce did. Stans lose their entire minds and spend hours going YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS and WERRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and SHE DID THATTTTTTTTT. Imagine 3-4 hours of this:

YYASSSSSSSSSSSS gif

It’s actually quite comical. I just picture folks doing collective leyomi drops wherever they are in jubilation that she has blessed them. I’m sure some are in tears because they can’t express their joy well enough that the aunty/sis/bff they’ve never met just threw something else in their lives. The stans who are bloggers have already pressed “publish” on the posts announcing the news and it’s only been out for 43 seconds. It is declared the “BEST ___________ EVER.” It’s just a euphoric time for the BeyHive, as they thank Beysus for her goodness and glory.

Yassss Beyonce

By the way, the word “stans” is for super fans. Remember that Eminem song “Stan” where he rapped about a crazy fan who was obsessed with him? Yeah. That’s where the usage of “stans” comes from. Or some say it’s a mashup for “stalker” and “fans.” The more you know. *shooting star behind K-list celebrity*

Stage 3: Illuminati accusations

As stans celebrate, conspiracy theorists and overall dumbasses insist on telling us all that whatever Bey just did is connected to her devil worshipping and further proof that she is a firm member of the Illuminati (or as some of the especially idiotic say “alomunati”). Because surely, there’s no way she could be that successful without having sold her soul to someone. O__O

Illuminati Beyonce

Girl SHARRAP!

They’ll tell us there’s a triangle reflecting from her eyeball in the picture. Or that smirk she has is to her fellow evil illuminati members. Or if you slow down the track, you’ll hear her saying 666 in the lost language of NAWLLatin. They are so sincere about their wacky theories that you just know they have to trip on air because they’re so foolish. They just need to have damb seat.

Stage 4: Debates on quality of Beyonce’s latest whatever

This is when people talk about how good or bad Beyonce’s new picture/burp/song is. Some people really talk about it from a grounded place, saying what parts were solid, what could have been done better and all that. Meanwhile, stans aren’t trying to hear anything besides “IT WAS EVERYTHING AND LIFE AND YOU WILL GAG.”

Folks will talk about the musicality of the song, whether the picture was photoshopped or if the gap between her thighs really exist and anything else. It’s where some stans, who follow her CLOSELY will break it down to you why it was so good. They’ll tell you what keys she was singing the first verse in and how she changed it in verse 2 effortlessly. They’ll also tell you that this is especially brilliant because it draws from *random pop culture reference here*. It’s quite impressive for one to store so much info about someone else in their brainspace.

This stage can be productive because it can have some intelligent conversation. And it shows that some stans are capable of engaging in healthy conversation about Bey. Until the simpletons ruin it. This is the shortest stage, and often doesn’t last more than 15 minutes before hell breaks loose.

Stage 4.5: People express apathy or extreme dislike at whatever Beyonce just released

Here is where some people declare that whatever it is that Beyonce just did is overrated and they talk about how they’re not really impressed by it. They aren’t Beyonce stans or fans, but they are also not irrational in their hate for her. These middle grounders are folks I kinda appreciate because they are usually level-headed and not extreme in how they feel about her (good or bad).

Then there are the ones who think whatever she just does is garbage.

ScreenShot2013-03-19at124620AM_zps731ec65d

They’ll say that the record/picture/onesie is the worst thing they ever saw or say some ridiculous thing like “Rihanna is better than Beyonce.” You mean she’s better at being more terrible? That must be it. The statements that happen here can ALMOST justify how spastic the BeyHive is, because people aren’t partial at all and are blinded by their annoyance of Mrs. Carter. Like how a picture of her holding Blue Ivy caused an eStorm of some people saying the girl she’s holding couldn’t be Blue because she was too tall. Some folks REALLY try it.

But this stage goes seamlessly into the next, which is when shit really hits the fan.

Stage 5: Stans go AWF on anyone who thinks it ISN’T the best thing ever

Outside of the people who just proclaim anything Beyonce does as horrible, there are some people who have legitimate reasons for not liking her music and they will articulate them without cussing her and her mama out. These folks unfortunately get lumped in with the fools up top. And when they talk about their indifference for Beyonce, the stans go IN on them!

Because only clinical insanity can be the reason for folks not to like her. O_O

Because only clinical insanity can be the reason for folks not to like her. O_O

How dare you to think Beyonce doesn’t wake up and piss excellence? HOW DARE YOU? Also, you’re just a haterbitch who ain’t never did shit in your life and will never do anything which is why you open your mouth and criticize the King Queen Earl Knight Knowles. BELEEDAT. Anyone who even utters a word against Beyonce is proclaimed the world’s biggest failure, who is only jealous of all her accomplishments.

The BeyHive is ruthless and they make it a point to search for her name on Twitter just to find people to drag. They snatch wigs like they’re getting paid for it and I have to believe most of them are 14-year olds who really have nothing better to do. Because who does that??

And the worst part is that this is the stage that goes on the longest. If the BeyHive is anything, it’s persistent. They got endurance to snatch wigs for DAYS. To them, it’s a full time job. Allow me to quote myself when I say:

“It never ceases to amaze me how passionate they are about repping for someone who doesn’t even know they exist. While Beyonce’s on stage running the world, you’re sitting on your computer in your mama’s basement cursing everyone who doesn’t call her their savior. She’s somewhere not giving a damb about you but you’re going to bat for her like she died for you on a cross.”

Stage 6 – Dragging of faves, other celebrities and/or former rivals of Beyonce

The stans must remind us all that other celebrities we love do not measure up to the glory of Mrs. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. So in this stage, they spend their time dragging famous people who aren’t on her level. And they even drag some who are just because they aren’t Bey. They must remind us of how inadequate our faves are.

Your Fave Beyonce

You don’t like Beyonce but you like *insert another singer here*? You’re an idiot and that is a fact that no one can argyue. Not according to the BeyHive, anyway.

This is also where any celebrities who are not vocal supporters and fans of Beyonce better log off and shut the hell up. Otherwise, anything they say can and will be used against them in the court of draggage. And sometimes, it’s completely unrelated to her and sometimes it’s shade. But folks are looking to drag them no matter what. So they better be careful. Celebrities need to make sure that is not the time they tweet something like “People who are at the top get arrogant.” Even if they’re not talking about Bey, folks will assume they are and drag them accordingly.

Stage 6.5. – Keri Hilson’s draggage

This is where Keri Hilson is guaranteed to get her wig snatched. It does not fail but when Beyoncé gets any praises. Miss Keri Baby will get dragged. Her mentions will look like the war on drugs as the BeyHive swarm in to tell her how “ain’t shit” she is. She could log on and say “hey” and people will lose their minds over it. It all stems from Keri’s perceived hateration of Bey because of one time when she was told to tell her happy birthday and she declined. Now, everyone thinks Keri spends her days with sticking a Bey voodoo doll with pins. As a result, she’s become her archnemesis, according to the folks on Twitter and they don’t let her cook.

WalmartKerry

Every day of her life, a stan will tell Keri Hilson to go jump off a cliff or something similarly awful. Yes, doing the absolute most with the utter least. They treat Keri so damb bad! They even made this graphic.

BowDownKeri

If only they used their powers for good. We might be able to cure cancer and solve world hunger.

Stage 7 – People go off on the stans for being extra

After enduring hours of their acting up, folks get fed up of the behavior of the stans, who have dragged both those deserving and innocent bystanders on their campaign to protect Beyonce. And they don’t seem to have any boundaries as far as the insults they throw out. They never tire of endlessly telling people “kill yourself” and just being painful boils on the ass of the internet. As if they’re getting paid to be jackasses on her behalf. I disapprove of their behavior, like Afro Man below.

Head Shake gif

Beyoncé stans are the worst things about Beyonce. Seriously. Y’all gotta annoy yourselves sometimes. You just must. They swear that it is their birth right to defend her to the grave and I wish they’d get other hobbies.

I like Beyonce. I really like her music. I think she’s an amazing performer. I don’t, however, think she’s the reason for life.

I just wish every time a Beyoncé event happened, Twitter didn’t crumble into a multi-hour messfest. But it does. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. So these are the stages. I’m sure we’re only an hour from the next cycle starting. Brace yourselves. If it helps, filter out her name from your timeline.

Did I miss anything? Is this accurate? What stage is your favorite and least favorite? Tell a G!

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Sites That Link to this Post

  1. A Quick Confession | April 16, 2013
  2. Beyonce: Crazy In Love - Keene Point of View | December 16, 2013
  3. The Top 10 Awesomely Luvvie Posts of 2013 | Awesomely Luvvie | December 30, 2013
  1. LOL @ Late for her shift at Walmart.

    I live for the slays of Keri. She came for me on Twitter so NOPE she gets no love. not nan

    I love this post.

  2. Kim says:

    “Collective leyomi drops” luvvie yoo stoopid this morning! Lmao. Just had to say that now back to reading.

  3. CoCo says:

    Lmao! seems about right. But you missed that the Beyhive hates Keri because she dissed Bey in the remix of “Turnin’ Me On” for NO reason, before she was even anybody at all, and then denied it like a true coward for years once her wig was getting tossed all over the place. That’s what started it. She’s done much when it comes to Bey.

    • Hermonoe says:

      What a lot of people don’t know is that Keri was writing a song for beyonce however beyonce wanted the writing credits Keri wasn’t having that. We all know beyonce takes everything and only claims inspiration once she is caught

  4. KemaB says:

    This is so on point every part of it especially the illuminati bs section that irks me to no end and lmao about Keri Hilson she did it to herself but I agree twitter is not kind to her at all moral of the story it’s a thin line between real Beyonce Fans and psycho Beyhive Stan’s I try never to cross that line I love Bey but i don’t have to worship her.

  5. Em. says:

    “Beyonce is a better…farter…than your fave”

    O_O

  6. jak says:

    Evetything in this post 101% accurste. The BeyHive actially mskes not want to hear Beyonce’s new stuff. As much as I like her and her music, her stans almost make me want to root against her. Almost. They’re like hardcore sports fans whos teams I root against just cuz I dislike them, not the team itself. They do more harm than good.

  7. Butascotch says:

    You slayed with that basic cycle SmartArt….lolol. Very accurate summary of the hot BEYttery mess on Twitter.

  8. Quetta says:

    iLaughed all the way through this post!! LMAO at Keri working at Walmart!

  9. Dominique says:

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This post is so accurate! But I’m slightly offended. I consider myself a Bey stan but I don’t get into the crazy parts of it. I spend most of my stan moments in a state of YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Rather than going off on everybody. Though I have hopped in Keri’s mentions a couple times, I didn’t wish harm on her. But I’ve changed my ways and haven’t tweeted her since at least the summer. I’d like to think I’ve grown! I usually log off Twitter once the dragging starts. It gets BRUTAL! Oh Beyonce!

    P.S. You forgot that day that girl went off on Necole Bitchie for 20 minutes because she posted about people accusing Beyonce of stealing. After 20 minutes, she found the Necole’s personal twitter page and went on for another hour. Other stans (who DO drag) were telling her to chill. LMAO!

  10. This article nailed my problem with the stans (Beyhive). I’m a fan of Beyonce. I plan to attend her concert later this year. I don’t think that everything she does is perfection, though, because some of it is stolen and some of it isn’t all that great.

    I stan all day long for Mariah and P!nk, though, and even then, I don’t like everything they do.

    Someone should do a Psychology class case study in Beyonce fandom. Seriously. The Beyhive acts like people have slandered their god or something, and they’re the high priests and high priestesses of her temple and they must defend her at all costs. I’m fully convinced that if she told people to punch someone who wasn’t smiling enough at her concerts, they’d do it. I don’t “get” why they’re so far gone over her.

    I’ve had a friend grill me as to why I’m not over the moon with Beyonce. “What has she ever done to you? Why don’t you like her?” I do like her, but she ain’t perfect. “I don’t understand how you can like her and critique her.” -_____-

    I’m not mad at Keri Hilson. If she doesn’t want to wish Beyonce a Happy Birthday or wish Bey and Jay a Happy Anniversary, that’s fine. Why does everyone need to take time out of their own press interviews to shout out people who don’t shout out other people for their special days?

    And Luvvie, we follow and adore some of the same people who are stans exactly as you describe. When Blue Ivy was born, I was kind of sickened. It was like people were happier for her birth than the birth of their own kids. “Sorry if no one was happy for your birth because your parents are ugly and neglected you.” Like…really?

  11. Sommer says:

    Luvvie, this is a great post! I love me some BEY but I’m not for the twitter bashing. I would like to say that some twitter bashing is needed but it does go too far. Otherwise, this cycle is true! LoL

    S/N: THE BeyHive started to snatched Keri only after she dissed BEY on a record. The other stuff kept it going.

  12. quetta says:

    Someone else has the name quetta, wow. This will NOT be getting a RT no one searches beyonce’s name to start dragging. And the hive hasn’t even been dragging keri until recently because she started to have a beyonce breakdown. And the beyhive doesn’t attack, they defend. Learned the deference between the two.

  13. Erin says:

    Hilarious. And OH SO accurate. *waits for an update of how the stans have come for Luvvie for this post*

    Sidenote: Did Keri Hilson ACTUALLY refuse to pick up a magazine with Bey on the cover, or is that one of those Twitter myths?

    • Desi says:

      Also Erin…did Keri actually diss Beyonce, or is it still alleged?

      • She dissed Bey & Ciara (allegedly) on “Turning Me On” by saying that she wrote songs for both of them. I don’t know why she came after them like that.

        Also, Keri refused to wish Jay and Bey a happy anniversary (I believe) while being interviewed on a red carpet for Hollywood News (or something like that – I think they’re a blog?). She asked who was on the cover, saw it, and said, “No. I can’t.”

        I don’t understand why that’s a problem if you’re supposed to talk about yourself at that moment. I wouldn’t wish them one either or I’d say it after I was done talking about my work. Why did anyone need to wish them anything?

        • Dinasty says:

          Because chances are, the interviewer was already aware of Keri’s feelings about Beyonce (and probably was a Beyonce fan), and tried to coax some drama, which it did.

          I don’t blame Keri. If I supposedly have beef with someone, why be fake about it? Plus, why feed into the drama if I’m trying to be positive about my own career? And if she had done it, the stans STILL would’ve gone in about how “she should be so lucky to even hold a magazine with Bey on it.”

        • Mo to tha says:

          *peeks head in and prays to avoid the ridiculous stannage but….*

          “She dissed Bey & Ciara (allegedly) on “Turning Me On” by saying that she wrote songs for both of them. I don’t know why she came after them like that.”

          Is it a diss if she really did write songs for them both…methinks that makes it Truth.

          Call me crazy tho….

  14. Yolanda says:

    YASSSS! This. ALL OF THIS!

  15. Desi says:

    LOL! At that Yasssssssssssss!

    I’m just here for the comments….

  16. JazzT says:

    I think the only stans that may be worse than the Beyhive are C Breezy Stans. Reading young girls talk about “he can hit me any day” makes me wanna snatch all they future wigs.

  17. Pakitian says:

    I will say, as stans go, the Beyhive seems to be wittier and more literate than, say, Team Breezy. I actual cackle at some of their draggage. Team Breezy just makes me roll my eyes and wish they didn’t allow internet in schools.

    • JazzT says:

      And the Leader of the Breezy Stan Pack is none other than his momma. Which takes it to a whole new level of Crazy.

  18. Rissa says:

    I am a huge fan of Beyoncé and stans make me ashamed to say it. Especially because my friends make fun of me for things like not believing she lied about being pregnant or constantly sending me/ tagging me on Facebook in anything that has to do with bashing her. The anti-stans are almost as bad but I digress.

    This post was the truth. I’m not going to lie though- I LOVE watching those crazy kids dragging the “lessors” some days like the day before Thanksgiving 2011 when Keri Hilson refused to hold up that magazine (because Bey was on the cover), my dad was in the hospital and reading her crumbled mentions had me laughing so hard and it really took my mind off of things.

    People who are rational can look at this stuff in a different way. I’m a huge fan but I rush to turn “If I Were A Boy” and many other ballads of hers off because I just can’t stand them. And then the other day at work I was polite and sat through a ten minute Beyoncé-Illuminati video (*side eye*). So most of this is just comedy.

    Also: that Wal-Mart comment made me HOLLER!

  19. OnlyDionysus says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “late for her shift at Walmart” lmao! Stans kill me!

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m like that first picture every time Bey comes out with something! Lol I goes all the way in! But it usually passes! LUVVIE, this was well said and spot on!

  20. B says:

    I’m a Beyonce fan. Her last song made me cringed however…but I can understand the Beyhive stans somewhat. I’m a bonafide MJ stan and trust, MJ fans and stans are the wackiest. Beyhive can’t hold a candle to them. If twitter were to exist during the height of MJ’s popularity, the servers would’ve crashed. (You seen what happened to google during the breaking news of his death) I recall KidFury touching on this topic. He’s a stan for Bey but she doesnt pay him to slay everybody who doesn’t acknowledge her “greatness.”

  21. (*_*) says:

    This entire post was on point. I love Be but there is a thin line between being a true fan and a damn fool. Ive seen folks with names like @Beyoncestampon and I heard that Keri Hilson was at an opening movie for Act like a Lady and the stans threw Beyonce Cds at her. When Keisha Cole made that comment about Beyonce she got dragged for adleast 2 weeks,nonstop. Someone said Frankie used to slop knops for free pizza and crack. These little kids have nothing better to do. Blame it on Bush!

  22. GFS says:

    I literally have tears in my eyes! This is all so true! If the Beyhive put their powers to good instead of “slaying”…we could ALL have nice things!

  23. Dinasty says:

    Beyonce’s stans are the most comical thing about her. I just sit back and laugh off their ridiculousness. It used to get under my skin, and make me not even want to bother with Beyonce or her music, but once I separated the two, I can enjoy her as an artist and entertainer. She actually seems like a very pleasant person to be around, which makes me question how she attracts such crazies as fans. They know no bounds.

    I’m a stan for both Jill and Erykah, and never in my life have I seen fans from either side going at each other’s throats. Like, why can’t we all just enjoy the music and leave the bullshit aside?

  24. I’m #CRINE at this post. I’m waiting on Solange’s album tho. And Blue Ivy’s WNBA career

  25. Vera Ezimora says:

    Wait till they read this post, Luvvie. They’re coming after you. Yaaaasssssss!

  26. LadyLarke says:

    I had a friend get upset with me one time because I decided to listen to a Lady Gaga song rather than Beyonce. She went on to tell me that Beyonce ALWAYS gets her attention whenever one of her songs comes on the radio. Ma’am, seriously??? Even if it’s a horrible song (because there are some songs in which all she does is scream). And we’re not even gonna talk about inauguration day, when stans everywhere proclaimed Bey’s version on the National Anthem was the best ever in the history of life. Meanwhile I’m looking at them like this O_o going, “What about Whitney Houston? Y’all forgot about her that fast?!”

    I’m not a fan, but I’m also not a hater. She’s one hell of a performer. Anyone who can do what she does on stage in six-inch stilettos deserves credit where it’s due. BUT she’s not the Messiah. The stans need to give it a rest.

  27. Tonia says:

    I’m only here for the GIFs

  28. ChunkyDlyte says:

    LOL, Just read that Beyonce has an IMPORTANT announcement tomorrow at 9AM, so I can’t wait to see this cycle happen AGAIN. And a 5 second teaser has already been leaked, lol. Luvvie, you are my new psychic bff. LOL!

  29. Very funny post. I am afraid to say anything negative about Beyonce. LOL

    But truth is, I used to like her much more than I do now. I don’t care for her message much of the time any more. And when I heard she is remaking Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black with Andre 3000, I felt ill. She clearly doesn’t have any grip on the feeling and meaning behind that song if she turns it into a duet with a dude.

  30. Sheldon says:

    You forgot to add Keyshia Cole to that, right after Keri Hilson lol. Everything about this is true!

  31. Bethanie says:

    To be real, I feel like this applies to all of the major fan bases (Beliebers, Little Monsters, Rihanna Navy, etc.). These people that worship the celebrities go overboard, whether it’s on the trolls or the people that just don’t like their fave(s). I used to be an obsessed fan of the Jonas Brothers, but when you grow up, you grow out of that. People need to learn to start respecting and ignoring the opinions of others though, especially if they’re rude or offensive.

  32. Anne says:

    lol. It’s funny because it’s true! I’m a Beyoncé Stan. I love her to death but I’m not one of those stans who bash other artists and wish them to be killed. lol When it comes to Bey, you can’t control the Hive so better don’t mess with them. They’re actually sweet and funny, just don’t disrespect Bey and everything will be fine. :)

  33. Joody says:

    I am a Beyonce stan. Most of the time though I fake go hard for her just to make those who hate her mad. I don’t take myself seriously most of the time and I don’t think any of my followers who know me in real life take me seriously either.
    I used to drag Keri but I decided to forgive her for her wrongdoing to Beyonce. I feel like it’s what Beyonce would have wanted me to do.
    Anyway Beyonce is amazing! She’s like everything and I live my life with the motto “what would Beyonce do?”
    :)

  34. tia says:

    I wish you would write an article like this about Jay Z.
    There are some friends/stans I can’t talk to about Jay b/c ANY criticism is considered hating on him. Lawd I love some Jay Z music but somethings like the Harry B controversy has me shaking my damb head @ Jay.

  35. a says:

    Luvvie you and bey just stole three minutes from my life i will never get back..**oh wait its my fault. Lol.i think i just got tricked…Bey-gone i promise this is not a hater post but a priorities one. Got stuff to do dont get caught in her web

  36. CaraQ says:

    Woooo!!! Thank ya! Whenever one of them go on that, “Your fave could NEVA” BS, I remind them that they did, HAVE and PAVED THE DAMN WAY for Mrs. Carter… because WHO is coming for Prince and MJ? Case closed. lol

  37. Val B says:

    So on point it ain’t even funny! My behind went to bed right after Scandal. Log onto FB while thinking of excuses to not go to work, and my news feed is ALL BEYONCE & already seeing the stages. You are Ms Cleo

  38. D_Town says:

    The pic for stage two is HILARIOUS! YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS and the mouth full open! Cracking up over here.

  39. Pchezz77 says:

    Right on time. Beacuse it is about Beyonce’ it will never get old. I am just upset because i was sleeping. Apparently Beyonce’ does not so I guess I won’t anymore.

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