TV

Nene Reads Kenya and Bravo Shades Porsha on RHOA’s Season Finale

Last night was the Real Housewives of Atlanta season finale and I watched the first 10 minutes and the last 10. I only watched enough to see Tommy from “Martin” working with Kenya, thus confirming that he STILL ain’t got no job. The more things change…

Phaedra is trying to get into the stun gun business. I ain’t mad at her for tryna get her money but DAMB. What happened to the funeral business she was so passionate about last season? And then the workout video. Is she still a lawyer in between all this stuff? Chile…

Ennehweighs, the part of the finale that really mattered was Kenya’s costume party. She decided to have a “Forever Relevant: Iconic Black Women in Hollywood” costume party, inviting all the girls and telling them who she wanted them to be dressed at. Let’s not mention how Kenya herself ain’t forever relevant and she chose that title. (-_-)

Kandi was Tina Turner from “What’s Love Gotta Do With It.” Cynthia was Diana Ross from “Mahogany.” Phaedra was Eartha Kitt in “Catwoman.” Nene was Grace Jones as Strangé. And she requested that Porsha be Halle Berry from “BAPS.”

In case you forgot what that looked like, here:

BAPS

O___O

That is shade. Halle’s in “BAPS” is not iconic. NAWL! To request that for Porsha is nothing short of the biggest cup of shadeful earl grey tea and Kenya knows it.

Wells, Porsha decided she was gonna be Halle Berry in “Dorothy Dandridge” and she walked in the party looking AMAZING in this #sequence gold jumpsuit that fit her like a glove. And the moment Kenya saw her, she flipped out.

Kenya was Pam Grier in “Foxy Brown” and rocked the finest in the cheapest lycra/polyurethane jumpsuit she could find. With a terrible afro and bad makeup. She was HEATED when Porsha walked in looking like MONEY. She was clearly outshined and not pleased about it. And instead of just dealing, she tells her to leave for disrespecting her wishes and her party.

Left: new money. Right: coins.

So she kicked Porsha and Kordell out the party, telling her ginormous bodyguards to tell them to leave. It was utterly ridiculous and the rest of the ladies agreed and walked out too. How do you kick someone out your party because they didn’t have on the costume you wanted them to wear? Kenya was just MAD AS HELL that Porsha came to her party looking like something you could sop up with a biscuit.

As they’re all standing outside the party, shocked that Kenya’s petty had reached all time highs of wack, Porsha’s says Kenya has “malice content.” Malice. Content. Not intent, but content. Bless her simple heart. And Peter was like “fuck her. fuck her party.” YES, UNCLE BEN!!!

Nene shows up looking SNATCHED into her Grace Jones persona, and I am LIVING!

nene-grace-jones

YES MA’AM!

And when Leakes found out about Kenya’s stunt, she was NOT pleased! They all roll back inside and she pulls her to the side IMMEJATELY and reads her for dirt, filth and garbage!

She gives it to her straight that she can’t be going around acting a fool to everyone and think she’s gonna go far. “DON’T BURN BRIDGES!!!” Come on and speak, DEACONESS LENETHIA!!!

nene Read Hunny gif

Nene really was giving her Leakes LifeClass, because she managed to go from most hated to most liked and it’s taken her further than she could imagine. Now she’s making that REAL tv money being on Glee and The New Normal. She ain’t get there just by being a crazy villain. She had to clean up her act and get nicer to get here. Shoutout to Nene’s PR team, by the way. I’m here for new Nene.

So yeah, if Kenya wants to keep collecting these checks, she gon need to dial down the crazy and pay attention to the wisdom of the read she just received.

Anywho, as the episode comes to a close, Bravo captions each person with updates on what they’re up to. Porsha was first and all they put was “Kordell filed for divorce.” That was it. That was all. That was SHADE. For Phaedra, they tell us that she’s expecting her 2nd child and “This time she knows the due date.” So messy.

They do show us previews of the RHOA reunion, which starts next Sunday (there are 3 parts) and it’s gon be SPILLED TEA left, right and all around.

My Body Is Ready Snape gif

I will be tuning in to that and livetweeting it (@Luvvie. Follow a goon) so YESSSS!

Did y’all watch last night’s finale? Whatchu think of Kenya’s pordee?

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32 Comments

  1. TajMahal
    April 1, 2013 at 1:25 pm — Reply

    I see why Kenya was mad that Porsha didn’t show up wearing what she asked, but she didn’t have to throw her out like that. She could have re-arranged the program. This is NOT the Grammys where people have to really scramble to make program changes. It’s a damn costume party! And BAPS?! Come on, now! That was surely shade. Surely.

    Also, Kordell didn’t have to jump in the assistant’s face and insult him like that. Hell, he could have let Porsha fight her own battle in general. He was only correct in snatching Porsha from the bodyguards. That was too much for her to have the bodyguards flank her like that. I would have been through!

    Messed up how they did Porsha at the end, though. For that to be the first thing on the screen that Kordell divorced her…and nothing else…that was a steamy sauna mess. Palm tree shade.

  2. Elle
    April 1, 2013 at 1:27 pm — Reply

    Porsha is young and pruned
    Kenya old and dusty

    a la: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m23ces1gyG1qjdbzao1_500.png

  3. April 1, 2013 at 1:27 pm — Reply

    I love Porsha with her confuzzled confessionals. She was looking GOR-JUS and you know Ms. Kenya could not deal, so she resorted to what she knows best…BATSHIT CRAZY! I sniggled so loudly I almost woke the baby when she was talking into the walkie talkie about canceling the BAPS portion, Ms. Mam, just no!

    As for Bravo being shady with the closing credits I almost died when they put Kordell filed for divorce. I wish that the reunion was taped after he filed because THAT would have been a show. But the reunion still looks like it will be awesome and I hope someone breaks Ms. Kenya’s fan she kept snapping in the previews.

    Once again, iLive for your recaps!

  4. April 1, 2013 at 1:29 pm — Reply

    Girl! The shade that Bravo dispensed upon Porsha with that one-liner still has me scratching my head. What did she DO to those producers?

    Like, what were they going to put before he filed for divorce? Was there nothing else relevant?

    I am all there for the finale. All three parts. All of it!

    • missjai
      April 5, 2013 at 11:51 am — Reply

      YES!!!!!!! Those producers are salty about something because that was thee shadiest one liner EVER

  5. Keli
    April 1, 2013 at 1:30 pm — Reply

    I LOVE ‘pordee’. That is all.

  6. Justlikehoney1
    April 1, 2013 at 1:33 pm — Reply

    I swear ‘fo Lawd my immediate response after seeing Porsha’s update was “I NEED Luvvie to blog about this adequately thrown shade”. My shondo thanks you for not failing me. NeNe told Kenya’s goofy ass just right. Grow up & stop looking for ways to be dramatic in every single occasion. Damn. It’s like if she can’t “act” in a movie or play she has to put on mini-productions in real life. E-nough! And her sidekick Yes Man, Brandon, was ’bout to catch a Petey Thomas island beat down, mon!

    Lastly, can we talk about Fashion Quuens? AWFUL. Couldn’t last past a few minutes. Bevy Smith’s speech impediment, though? I am not here for her Daffy Duck ass sufferin’ succotash mouf. Her tongue is dead. Fix that!

    • nishad
      April 1, 2013 at 1:46 pm — Reply

      Huntee! I am dead over here after the bevy smith comment, lol!!

      • missjai
        April 5, 2013 at 11:52 am — Reply

        Bwahahaha @FASHION QUEENS commentary

    • JozieGyrl
      April 1, 2013 at 8:09 pm — Reply

      @Justlikehoney1, I LOL’d *loud* on the train at the Fashion Queens comment. That show is a hot mess. I wanted to throw my crochet footie at the TV. We deserve better!

  7. shadgg02
    April 1, 2013 at 1:37 pm — Reply

    smdh….that “my body is ready” gif??? iCackled and now iDed.

  8. Dinasty
    April 1, 2013 at 3:00 pm — Reply

    I get why Kenya was mad; she had planned a party around certain characters. But in true drama queen fashion, she did the most. And to say assigning her BAPS wasn’t shade was a lie. Though Halle was charasmatic in the role, there are 100s better to choose from. You are 40+ years old ma’am, stop with the dramatics. (But the shade of Nene saying you are a group of one and shouldn’t kick people out… LA anyone? Bueller?)

    As for the one line about Porsha, it could be one of two reasons:
    – Bravo originally had something else positive about their marriage there, but given recent events, changed it at the last minute.
    – Or, like I said on another board, Kordell likely wanted to file for divorce a while ago, but due to the show not airing yet, Bravo asked him to wait. Because their entire story arc wouldn’t have made sense if we knew at the top of the show they were getting a divorce.

    I am READY for this reunion and Kenya’s fan of shade. And the husbands are invited this time! (Greg is the 7th housewife. I have lived for Greg’s corniness this season.) And Kim and her wig are back; I saw you Kandi. #lawsuit

  9. Rachael
    April 1, 2013 at 3:02 pm — Reply

    I’m mad at you Luvvie, talking about Phaedra’s jobs. I was just chatting with my Nigerian sistern/coworker and we were like Africans always got a side hustle going on. Phaedra is just tapping into her roots!

    Kenya is trash, a hater, and jealous of Porsha. She needs to get over it and let it go, because its ugly on her. There was no real ‘program’ so stop being petty.

    And what the hell is with Kandi and these outfits? I realize last night was a costume, but seriously?? I just can’t anymore. She needs to make an appearance on What Not to Wear and learn how to dress for her thickness. Enough is enough.

  10. Danni
    April 1, 2013 at 3:12 pm — Reply

    Thank you for another hilarious review!

    I thought the Bravo updates were MAD shadeful and I said so to my Mom (as we conferenced over the phone—this is a new guilty pleasure for her to gasp and clutch her Southern pearls at!). I mean “Kordell filed for divorce” <—shade all day! I still love Porsha! She's a foolish, rich, black Barbie and I LOVE IT! We need diversity in the black women we see on TV and she is our Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde/Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. LOVES IT!

    Nene is the queen. If Kim was half of a "right kinda bitch" she would have taken lessons and come up too! Kenya needs to pay attention and take notes.

  11. CJ
    April 1, 2013 at 3:24 pm — Reply

    I thought Porsha left the show and is not returning for another season which explained the shade of it all at the end. Not justifies it, just explains. it.

  12. Elita
    April 1, 2013 at 3:36 pm — Reply

    I literally cannot stop laughing at that BAPS gif. Like, real tears are rolling down my face. I am LIVING for the reunion.

  13. Teefah
    April 1, 2013 at 4:53 pm — Reply

    Yoooooooo
    This review gave me so much life
    I live in Nigeria so can only download this a day after y’all have watched it, but i don’t see this review as a spoiler.
    That 1 liner bravo threw at porscha was the ultimate shade of life. Poor girl
    I saw Kandi’s Tina Turner get up on another blog and I have to say she looked a bloody mess, Tina on her worst days didn’t look like that. Kandi always looks messy, all that money and she can’t even put herself together. How about hiring a stylist Kandi? But I have to say I admire her business sense.
    This season I don’t like Phaedra, she comes off as fake and phony and the many side hustles make her appear thirsty for a buck. sigh
    I’m here for the drama the husbands brought this season, almost as bad as the ladies.
    I wish Kenya and her lumpy silicone ass would roll back under the rock of oblivion she crawled out from, she does too much.
    I need them to bring on a housewife who won’t be scared to give it to Nene, cos all these ladies are acting like nene’s the one cutting their bravo cheques.

  14. cmt
    April 1, 2013 at 4:56 pm — Reply

    *takes a big bite of food* *Reads “YES, UNCLE BEN!!!* *spits food out onto computer* *Bills Luvvie for a new laptop *

  15. Sisi_Atl
    April 1, 2013 at 5:15 pm — Reply

    *slain* that Prof. Snape gif did it for me. Luvvie!

  16. Yadi
    April 1, 2013 at 5:26 pm — Reply

    I am over here rolllling! So much, too much to say. Kenya is out there but people are a tad hard on her IMO. Porsha is dim-witted however that does equal innocence….and Bravo betnot stretch that reunion over 3 weeks or they shall receive a sternly worded letter from me.

    • Yadi
      April 1, 2013 at 5:29 pm — Reply

      *does not

  17. Tony25
    April 1, 2013 at 8:18 pm — Reply

    Of course the final line about Porsha wasn’t ‘shade’.

    That is what has happened to Porsha. It’s the major thing that has happened in her life so everything else will be in limbo.

    There isn’t anything more to say and to include any humorous comments or go ‘…and she’s recording her first single next month’ would be tasteless.

    The irrelevant lives of the housewives is small fry in comparison to that one thing.

  18. April 2, 2013 at 12:26 am — Reply

    Kenya needs some seats. A “program?” Did they rehearse this ahead of time? If so, the Porscha was being shady. But this was a party. Y’all saw Todd (Kandi’s man) didn’t even dress up.

    And as I tweeted earlier -who were those random people at the party if Kenya doesn’t know anyone in ATL? Are those the same people who didn’t spend money at Deshawn Snow’s fundraiser but ate all the shrimp?

  19. Tyson's Mom
    April 2, 2013 at 10:20 am — Reply

    Kenya was all kinda wrongs for putting Porsha out, but did we all forget Nene locking out her “friends” in Vegas? Now if that ain’t the pot calling the kettle black? LOL & SMDH

  20. ASNYC
    April 2, 2013 at 1:34 pm — Reply

    That “Kordell Filed For Divorce” wasn’t just shade, it was a read! Now what’s Porsha’s fallback insult gonna be? If she comes back next season, the lid is off the pot and all those teas about Kordell’s dalliances with men in parks and the domestic violence incident between him and his transsexual lover in Pittsburgh that the Steeler’s organization covered up. Plaxico Buress devoted an entire chapter of his own biography to the gay rumors surrounding Kordell. Kenya will come for Porsha next season with this and now that Kordell is gone, there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Can’t wait.

  21. NeicyRox
    April 2, 2013 at 4:23 pm — Reply

    Listen…. in the length of time it took to move to the next person after Porcha I fried chicken and did Phine Body by Phaedra and Apollo, Vol. I.

    It took 30 minutes. They didn’t say what else was happening in her life.

    Just “Kordell filed for divorce.”

    I laughed for days. Bless her pretty heart.

  22. realisticlady
    April 2, 2013 at 6:59 pm — Reply

    When I viewed episodes 1 thru 4 of RHOA. I didn’t enjoy watching NeNe Leakes. She has morphed into a mature, classy woman. I learned something from Mrs. Leakes while watching her deal with Koo Koo Kenya. I learned to not let someone’s actions dictate my reaction. Never let someone know they’ve angered or upset you. It gives them the power. Thank you Mrs. Leakes!!!!!

  23. Brian Fontana
    April 2, 2013 at 9:24 pm — Reply

    Kenya did not disappoint on the last episode of the season, I thought she should have pulled Porsha aside instead of embarrassing her and kicking her out of the party. Overall, the women looked great, and Nene is the perfect person to play Grace Jones. I was working a new schedule at DISH, and missed this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta when it aired. Luckily, my DISH Hopper was there for me; this DVR can record up to 2,000 hours of my favorite shows, giving me the freedom to record the full season, and the full seasons of my other favorite shows that air the same night. It will be interesting to see what the other women thought of the gala during the reunion show.

    • April 3, 2013 at 9:14 am — Reply

      Brian,

      Did you just plug your product in your comment honey? #DED

      That is all!

      • mz.niecy
        April 4, 2013 at 1:21 pm — Reply

        Yes Lawd, #hammercy he did!!! I was looking for a number or hyperlink at the end of it, lol

  24. rikyrah
    April 5, 2013 at 8:14 am — Reply

    hilarious. thanks for the recap

  25. Ambar
    April 10, 2013 at 10:44 pm — Reply

    I cannot believe you just called Peter, Uncle Ben…and sadly I had no choice but to agree. Damn when you call them out, you are right on the money. LMAO Oh Lord Uncle Ben? Really though!?

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