The 2013 BET Awards Killed TURNUP and Charlie Wilson Brought the House Down
I never miss the BET Awards because even when it’s bad, the tweets make it afun to watch. But this year, it actually wasn’t that bad. And for BET, that means it was a good show.
* Why did Mariah Carey’s performance feel like deja vu? Oh yeah, that’s because I’m pretty sure I saw in 1997, sans Miguel. All that gold light surrounding her was supposed to distract us from the fact that she was doing runs for 4 minutes and it was boring. You better innovate or sing an AMAZING song. You can’t just stand on stage, sing a mediocre song and do nothing else.
* Why did Kevin Hart single-handedly kill the phrase TURN UP??? He got onstage and used it so many times that I am ready to declare the already overused phrase DEAD AND GONE! Like the old T.I. Him being the size of an average 4th grader standing onstage with 6 other men coulda been hilarious if he had stopped yelling in the mic. RIP Turn UP. Rest in past.
Also, why is Quvenzhane gonna be taller than Kevin Hart by next summer? That skit with the 2 of them had me cracking up because he’s so little.
* What was Jamie Foxx talmbout when he said we were living in a world of Djangos? Because I surely didn’t understand that part in his acceptance speech. Also, I laughed when he was getting on the stage and him and Kevin Hart did a shimmy. I would actually watch a movie with those two in it.
Shoutout to Jamie for that Trayvon Martin shirt, doe.
* Why did I get so giddy when I saw the cast of the Best Man Holiday on stage? I’m really looking forward to that movie for nostalgia’s sake. I hope it’s good. I need it to be on point!
* How many accents did Nicki Minaj use in her acceptance speech? We all agreed on 3-4. Also, why do they even have the category when they just need to hand her the award? What other female rapper is actually popular right now? As you wait for the answer, I’ll go make a sammich.
* Why was Miguel’s falsetto killing me softly during his performance? He sounded like a cat when someone steps on its tail at one point. I wanted him to STAHP! Also, who else held their breath when he jumped off the stand he was on? I was like “Please don’t let him land on someone’s head.” Whooo. Miguel got folks out here nervous whenever his feet aren’t on the ground.
* Why did MC Lyte butcher Quvenzhane’s name so bad? She missed an entire syllable when she was announcing her to come onstage. Haven’t we gone through tutorials to learn how to say her name yet?? Related: MC Lyte ain’t gon ever go without a job as long as award shows exist. She’s become the Matron Saint of Announcing.
* Was the BET Awards sponsored by Wilson’s Leather? Why was EVERYONE in hot ass cow hide? Isn’t LA HOT AS HELL DEGREES right now? Chile…
* Why am I petty and refusing to acknowledge Kendrick Lamar as a rapper because his mama named him that for him to be an R&B singer? If you wanna rap, you change your stage name to Yung Kendrick the Don or LIL KEN KEN. Or Kendreezy the Goon.
* Why did India Arie rock a sequins bell bottom and a scarf that looked like it was a cut up old t-shirt during her tribute to Charlie Wilson? I love her granola Mother Earth hug this damb tree and tell it that it is nice as it is self though.
* Who the hell do I cuss out in Stevie Wonder’s team??? Y’all know how I feel all passionate about the fact that Stevie be at EVERY award show. But this damb people put them man in a suit with his own face on the chesticles last night. There were Stevie breasts on Stevie’s suit.
Ok so MAYBE those aren’t Stevie on his chest but… still. Folks said they “put emojis on his shirt and he ain’t e’em know it.” I HOLLERED. I was so mad and I didn’t know who to be mad at. UGH!!! They be treating Stevie Wonder like Molly the Maid. “I don’t talk to the help.” Word to Joseline.
Highlight of the Night – The Charlie Wilson Tribute
* Why was Charlie Wilson’s performance THE BEST of the night?? That geriatric got his lifetime achievement award and then got on stage and gave us ALL our LIVES, with the help of Pharrell, Snoop (Lion) and Justin Timberlake. I spent the entire performance saying “YESSSSSSS UNCAH CHARLIE!!!” He showed the younguns what it’s like to SANG, dance and entertain! Miguel, watch, listen and LEARN!
It was so good! The vocals were on point, the songs were classics and the dancing from the four of them was just so fun. They looked like they were having just as much fun as the audience was and that put it over the top.
The show could (and should) have ended there. In fact, that performance by itself was enough for me to say the show was actually one of the better ones BET has had.
* Why is J.Cole such a snooze to me? He is so boring that I have nothing else to offer on his performance.
* Why did Tamela Mann take us all to CHU’CH so effortless? I couldn’t e’em tweet during her performance because I was rocking #bagginfoaf like an IKEA table as she SAING the house down. Chile… I love me some Cora.
* Why is this my first time hearing about Curtis Fields? Dude’s voice is hella smooth and his song as actually good. Although I did side-eye him for playing a guitar iPhone app instead of an actual guitar. I was like WAYMENT. Sir, you’re performing on an iPHONE?!? Folks said it’s kinda his thing. Turns out he created his music from an iPhone since he couldn’t afford a studio or instruments. BUT, can’t he find a guitar that costs less than the $500 an iPhone does? Chile… I guess.
* Can they just hire me to write award show dialogues already??? Because the banter between presenters be so AWKWARD that it’s painful to watch sometimes. They had Michael B. Jordan and Forrest Whitaker basically staring at each other at one point. Well, mayne the teleprompter when out.
* Why were Chris Tucker’s jokes so dry? There was a point where they basically told Chris to stall and entertain so he started telling jokes about how the first Black president, Bill Clinton (*rolls eyes*) helped get Barack Obama elected. And the jokes were more tired than I was by 10:30pm CST. TIRED. The audience basically chuckled politely because Chris was bout as funny as calculus.
* Why was most of Nicki Minaj’s performance bleeped out? Do artists not know to chill on the rated-R version of their songs when performing? The poor censors could NOT keep up and more than a couple of 4-letter words slipped through the cracks.
* Why did Ciara get on that stage and bodyroll for her life?!? The girl is a gifted dancer for real, and whenever we’re close to forgetting, she reminds us with a performance like the one she did. I’ont e’em remember her vocals. Getting her Baby Janet on.
If Ciara wasn’t famous, she’d be making twerk vids for youtube. And we’d all watch. So either way, we’d know her. lol
* Did Debra Lee get a new stylist? Because if so, GOOD for her! She looked fantastic last night. I’m sure everyone peeped that she’s on Team Natural Hair now.
* Why did Dwyane Wade’s outfit remind me of the shiny suit era? Well, probably because his jacket looked like tin foil. BUT I give him SUPER props for his work with Wade’s World. Shoutout to him for giving something tangible back to where he came from.
* Why did that entire Reggae set give me what I needed?!?! Beenie Man and Elephant Man kicked it off. But when Chaka Demus & Pliers came out and started with “A pretty face and bad character…” I basically lost my mind bodyrolling backwards. Almost broke my back! I juked something proper and dutty wined like I was getting paid for it. They got me HYPED! Nicki Minaj was getting her entire life too in the front row.
* Why was
2Chokerz 2Chainz onstage dressed like a swamp thing? Again, TOO MUCH LEATHER! And why can I not pick out ASAP Rocky in a lineup even if he had on a tshirt that said “I am ASAP Rocky” on it? Chile… womp. I went to the kitchen and fixed myself a plate during their performance.
* Why was Bow Wow in all white? Looking like a chaperone, if Heaven had a kindergarten. He’s adorabo.
* Why was I too tired to get hyped during the Janelle Monae and Erykah Badu performance? Those two ladies are beasts and they rocked the house but by that time, the show had already gone on 10 minutes longer than I expected and 1 hour longer than it should have. They shoulda cut out a buncha other performances so Janelle and Erykah could get the time and energy they deserved.
Overall, it was a decent show, and this makes two years in a row (because the 2012 BET Awards were surprisingly good)! As always, the tweets made it so much more fun! I don’t know what it’s like to watch award shows without Twitter anymore. It’d be like… 2005. EEK! Next year, I’ll be at the BET Awards reporting live with the tea.
Anywho, what did you think of the awards? Also, anything of note from the first hour? I heard R.Kelly’s performance was dope but I’m too lazy to watch it right now.