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Hello Kitty is Not a Cat and Sanrio Has Ruined Childhood

We all just got news that the cultural icon (it is one, whether you wanna admit it or not) and object of desire by overgrown hipsters everywhere Hello Kitty is in fact NOT a cat. I repeat. Hello Kitty is NOT A FELINE!

Hello_Kitty2

According to Hello Kitty scholar (because in our world, we need one of these. Ay dios mio) Christine Yano, she is human, her name is Kitty White, she’s British and she’s forever in the 3rd grade. SO SHE’S NOT EVEN JAPANESE?!? NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!

She said she got clarification from the folks at Sanrio when putting together an exhibit for the Japanese American National Museum.

“Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty.” – LA Times

Yes. Because that clarifies why we are all confused and have been for 40 years. >______>

So this entire time, this cat-like creature is in fact not a cat? They’re talmbout she’s never been on all fours. SO WHAT?!? Is Mickey Mouse a kangaroo? Is Goofy actually Michael Richards aka Kramer? Is Miss Piggy in fact a Pig or is she REALLY Charo? What is going on? Why is the world topsy turvy? Her not being on all fours doesn’t tell us anything. Her compadres stand up too.

We don’t care that she owns a cat of her own. Goofy owns pluto and we deal with that weird conundrum. Daffy Duck doesn’t wear pants but wears a towel when he’s out the shower and we stopped questioning that.

Why does she have whiskers? Are those smile lines? Did her #eyelatch fall off and paste themselves to her cheeks? Are those tribal marks? And the cat ears. Are those just fancy headphones she wears permanently? What is this foolishery?

Cats giving epic side-eye

Me looking at Sanrio

Also, I’m a bit disturbed that this supposed human doesn’t have a mouth. As a cat, I could deal. But forwhycome Kitty can’t speak? I’m not buying what they’re selling here. Not even if it’s on red dot clearance.

Sanrio is ruining all our childhoods. We need Disney to make a statement affirming the identity of Mickey ASAP. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m feeling really vulnerable and questioning everything and everyone.

* Is Arthur really an Aardvark?
* Are the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles really turtles?
* Is Simba really a lion?
* What about Bugs Bunny? Is he a goat?
* And Winnie the Pooh?

I need reassurance.

i cant even gif

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86 Comments

  1. April
    August 27, 2014 at 6:02 pm — Reply

    Tellem luvvie….Hell I’m confused too! >>_____>> we can side eye them together.

  2. Mel B
    August 27, 2014 at 6:03 pm — Reply

    What tomfoolery are they peddling? If those aren’t whiskers, then what a beard? If that isn’t a cat, I am! Le sigh

  3. August 27, 2014 at 6:07 pm — Reply

    So is the Aflac duck a duck? Or the Geico gecko a lizard? Or Lil Wayne a sewer rat? I don’t understand the world right now……

    • Stephanie
      August 27, 2014 at 6:25 pm — Reply

      Is Lil Wayne a sewer rat?!

    • August 27, 2014 at 6:47 pm — Reply

      You just killed me with Lil Wayne!

    • MsZ
      August 27, 2014 at 6:55 pm — Reply

      Lil Wayne a sewer rat?! As in Master Splinter?! I’m so done!!

    • shaleen
      August 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm — Reply

      I thought lil’ Wayne was a crabapple and Pharrell a sewer rat?

    • Vero
      August 28, 2014 at 1:22 am — Reply

      Girl, bye!

    • Christian
      August 28, 2014 at 10:21 am — Reply

      Sewer rat?
      You win the internet today. #bless

    • Dawn Baby
      August 28, 2014 at 11:58 am — Reply

      Bahahah!!!! DEAD!!! Super Dead!!! Like, bury me 8 feet deep type of Dead.. SMH!!!

    • KayMee
      August 28, 2014 at 3:33 pm — Reply

      Actually, Little Wayne was bought from an old Chinese dude and fed after midnight.

      • Boo Radley
        August 29, 2014 at 10:25 am — Reply

        Nah, somebody bought Baby from an old chinese dude, then accidentally got him wet. Wayne is what popped out of his back.

    • ShawnieShawn
      August 29, 2014 at 9:04 am — Reply

      LMAO @ is Lil Wayne a sewer rat

  4. Lenore
    August 27, 2014 at 6:08 pm — Reply

    Lies, that’s a cat. Those are whiskers. That’s. A. Cat. I don’t accept this announcement because it looks like a cat. I’m thinking Sanrio has long since fired the original artist that drew the CAT and wants to punk us all Ashton Kutcher style.
    THAT
    IS
    A
    CAT.

    • dmcmillian72
      August 29, 2014 at 12:24 pm — Reply

      I wish Luvvie would let me “Like” this comment!!! Lol!

  5. Mrs. Moultrie
    August 27, 2014 at 6:09 pm — Reply

    Hello Kitty is a gaht-damb cat and I refuse to believe otherwise.

    • IfYouEverComeBack
      August 28, 2014 at 6:03 pm — Reply

      Thank you! I refuse to believe that Hello Kitty is neither a cat, nor Japanese. Sanario can miss with that BS!

  6. ke11yred
    August 27, 2014 at 6:16 pm — Reply

    Mmhm…and kale tastes like mac n cheese.

    • Wendyful1
      August 28, 2014 at 11:41 am — Reply

      Perfect!!!

  7. August 27, 2014 at 6:19 pm — Reply

    LOL. And there’s even scholar for Hello Kitty. Dear Lord where is the world going? Besides, Kitty is most definitely not a human (that is known), she’s a cabbit O_O. Nothing makes sense anymore. NOt even my post, lmfao.

    • dmcmillian72
      August 29, 2014 at 12:27 pm — Reply

      Wait… A “cabbit”…? As in a cat/rabbit hybrid…?

      BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! Thank you so much for this, @Carla_Wynker!!!

  8. lexi
    August 27, 2014 at 6:20 pm — Reply

    Hahaha@is bugs bunny a goat!!!

  9. Milaxx
    August 27, 2014 at 6:20 pm — Reply

    @Peanuts tweeted that Snoopy is indeed a dog so all is not lost.

    We can confirm, Snoopy IS a dog.

  10. milaxx
    August 27, 2014 at 6:22 pm — Reply

    correction @Snoopy tweeted that

  11. TiDubb
    August 27, 2014 at 6:22 pm — Reply

    Well hell! Then is Pepe Le Pew really a cat and not a skunk? And what the he’ll is Sylvester or Tom from Tom and Jerry? This is unacceptable!

  12. OyindaMD
    August 27, 2014 at 6:41 pm — Reply

    “What about bugs bunny? Is he a goat?”
    I picture this being said with a thick Naija accent, LOL

    They must think we’re all slow…she’s a definitely a cat, i’m not buying it

  13. Margaret
    August 27, 2014 at 6:41 pm — Reply

    We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled and led astray by Sanrio. This is unacceptable!! What next, Big Bird is not a bird? Gonzo is not a whatever-he-is? Sanrio’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

    PS…I don’t care what anyone says, Tom from Tom & Jerry is a CAT!

  14. Tori D.
    August 27, 2014 at 6:47 pm — Reply

    Three things:

    1. Fugg what Sanrio talmbout; Hello Kitty is a cat. And I thought Charmy Kitty was just her bougie cousin who was too good to do people things.

    2. Didn’t know Authur was an aardvark. My childhood was lacking :-/

    3. How do I become a HK scholar & how much do they get paid?! Asking for a friend, of course o_o

    • Celina
      August 27, 2014 at 10:01 pm — Reply

      Didn’t know Arthur was an Aardvark?!

      Peep this:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOcyzddfvvM

      Now the song will be stuck in your head like it has been in mine for…two decades.

      • IfYouEverComeBack
        August 28, 2014 at 6:42 pm — Reply

        Nope, Nope not clicking. I just got “The Song That Never Ends” out of my head after like three decades. So no.

  15. Alice Williams
    August 27, 2014 at 6:57 pm — Reply

    Dr. Seuss’ Cat-In-The-Hat throws chair and storms out of the room …

  16. tashez
    August 27, 2014 at 7:02 pm — Reply

    what in the actual hell? I know what it is…hello kitty is actually a secret CAT agent who’s disguising her identity as a human. there is no other rational explanation!

  17. August 27, 2014 at 7:06 pm — Reply

    *do not compute*…

  18. i'm sleep tho...
    August 27, 2014 at 7:22 pm — Reply

    whatever, her name is fucking hello kitty…she’s obviously a cat. she has ears and whiskers ffs; i don’t care what some bougie ass scholar has to say, gtfoh!

    also, arthur was way after my time, so i always assumed he was a mouse, oop. i mean if they’re aardvarks where are the long ass noses?! no puedo.

  19. The Dyv
    August 27, 2014 at 7:46 pm — Reply

    One of those “hipsters” you mentioned would be my mother who waited until retirement to purchase the Hello Kitty PJs she had to have..lol

  20. Erin
    August 27, 2014 at 7:47 pm — Reply

    Madam Scholar, please go back from whence you came. Pointy ears, whiskers, and the name Hello KITTY? I care not what you have to say. She is a cat. Period.

  21. Circa1908
    August 27, 2014 at 7:47 pm — Reply

    I’m afraid to even ask…. Is Scooby Doo a dog?

  22. shaleen
    August 27, 2014 at 8:02 pm — Reply

    I want to hear from Yuko Shimizu (creator of Hello Kitty) herself confirming this bogus news!!! ASAP

  23. Lavinia @SheBeShonuff
    August 27, 2014 at 8:47 pm — Reply

    Nope. I need to see receipts. Hello Kitty is a white British girl. White folks done to the re-characterizing of our greatest non-white people figures. Jesus, Moses, Cleopatra, all of ancient Egyptian royalty and now Hello Freakin’ Kitty. They can’t stand for the most loved and admired figures to not be white people, but this is too much. Can we say narcissists?

    • Christy
      August 28, 2014 at 2:24 pm — Reply

      —————-flat line @White folks done to the re-characterizing of our greatest non-white people figures————————-

  24. JJ
    August 27, 2014 at 8:52 pm — Reply

    Its kind of how like both Goofy and Pluto are dogs but Goofy walks on 2 legs and speaks but Pluto is on all fours and only barks

  25. thasawit
    August 27, 2014 at 9:11 pm — Reply

    What does Jaden Smith say?

    • Celina
      August 27, 2014 at 10:02 pm — Reply

      Ha!

  26. August 27, 2014 at 9:35 pm — Reply

    I can’t deal with you and all this right now, Luvvie. I just ain’t gon belive this shullbit. Hello Kitty is a cat, a freakin cartoon cat! Ears on top of the head, whiskers, no mouth-having CAT! They ain’t just gonna play with my emotions like that after all these years.

  27. Red
    August 27, 2014 at 9:40 pm — Reply

    She a cat.

    Lil Wayne a tree monkey.

    That is all.

  28. Ktaylor
    August 27, 2014 at 10:01 pm — Reply

    So is kerroppi not a frog? That was my dude. I can’t handle him boy being a frog. Sanrio is so wrong for this.

  29. Sweet Jackson
    August 27, 2014 at 10:27 pm — Reply

    According to my scholarly Brony friend:

    #HelloKitty is still a Cat based on reality’s definition of what a cat or Feline is.

    #Sanrio’s point is that in the world of Hello Kitty she serves the role of being a ‘person.’

    Because there are no human beings in her world the fact that she is different from, say, a penguin is much more akin to one persons skin color being different than another’s than it is to a difference of species.

  30. Karima
    August 27, 2014 at 10:29 pm — Reply

    Come on, y’all! Don’t let Sanrio fool you with this “I’m every Hello Kitty–it’s all in meeeeee…” business. Get philosophical. Hello Kitty IS a cat-like entity who transcends the boundaries of human and feline essence. She is ageless and timeless and will forever smell like strawberries and pink lip gloss, tiny colored pencils and plastic purses. She is a fantasy grounded in felicity, and she’s a boss because she hangs with Choco-Cat and Pandapple. Word.

  31. Ella
    August 27, 2014 at 11:30 pm — Reply

    Winnie the Pooh? All bear and had his 100th anniversary lately. So he should have a little more self control… or diabetes, but that’s nothing compared to the no mouth, whisker having, cat woman that is Hello Kitty!

  32. Ella
    August 27, 2014 at 11:31 pm — Reply
  33. August 27, 2014 at 11:54 pm — Reply

    How can Kitty NOT be a cat? This is terrible.

  34. keysha
    August 28, 2014 at 12:27 am — Reply

    I’m in my thirties and still trying to come to grips that Ken is actually Barbie’s brother

    • Erin
      August 28, 2014 at 11:14 am — Reply

      Wait, what????? I must have missed this news. Oh, dear. Barbie and Ken did some TERRIBLY incestuous things in my home.

    • Cynt
      August 28, 2014 at 3:27 pm — Reply

      Wait! ! WHUT? ? ? Are you serious?

    • Stace
      August 28, 2014 at 3:30 pm — Reply

      Wait….WHA!!! I think back to all the house I had them playing and the were R E L A T E D!!!.. Dats it. I QUIT EVERYTHING. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    • i'm sleep tho...
      August 29, 2014 at 12:38 am — Reply

      you a gahtdamb lie…

  35. August 28, 2014 at 1:53 am — Reply

    Gat dambit Luvvie! This is the second time today you’ve injured my belly area and I’ve had to use my pump! I lost my shit at the comparison to Mickey anem…

    I HAVE been asking for some time now why it is that a dog owns a dog. I also would like to know why Winnie has on a midriff top and no drawlz, if Piglet has on a onesie and why Piggy wears clothes but Kermit is naked. #NoTeaForMe #Illtakeanswersplease

    • August 28, 2014 at 11:28 am — Reply

      You just made me cry real tear and my mouth is twitching uncontrollably. I might need to call somebody cuz this whole situation might have me stroking out. SHIT! What day is it cuz I can’t remember?! #DED

    • Tanya bates
      August 28, 2014 at 7:40 pm — Reply

      I’m so unable, I am currently doing a breathing treatment.

  36. AJ
    August 28, 2014 at 5:11 am — Reply

    Listen, Sanrio can miss me with the bull. They need to explain the entire HK World to me then. Kitty White has a friend named Chococat! For all intents and purposes, I thought he was a brown cat! Now I find out he’s just her token black friend? DA FUGG AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT THIS SANRIO?

  37. Kami
    August 28, 2014 at 6:28 am — Reply

    Wait?! Ken is actually Barbie’s brother?! Was there a press conference about that or something?

  38. Amber
    August 28, 2014 at 7:10 am — Reply

    OMG! I am at work CRYING!!! This just gave me EVERYTHING to start my work day.

  39. GG
    August 28, 2014 at 8:26 am — Reply

    Sitting here with stripes on my face where my makeup use to be. O-o
    Ken and Barbie are what?
    Why am I looking for Winnie and his no drawls wearing self. #iCant
    she said Piglet has on a onesie
    and the Lil Wayne references..?? I’m just gonna pray

  40. Mishy
    August 28, 2014 at 9:02 am — Reply

    So I am like this huge HK fan. And my bestie links me to this blasphemous article (not THIS one..but the one you referenced) saying Hello Kitty is NOT a cat. Now I hate cats as much as the next cat hater (I’mma dog person..sue me!), but I think I would know a dang cat when I see one! Mouth missing and all, a cat is hard to mistake! Sanrio ain’t fooling nobody! I don’t believe them..they need more people cuz right now the people are saying, “Hello..Kitty.is..a…cat!”

  41. August 28, 2014 at 9:10 am — Reply

    LIES. ALL. LIES.

  42. pup
    August 28, 2014 at 10:49 am — Reply

    Wayment.
    Holeup.
    Hello Kitty ain’t a cat?!?
    What the actual hail?!?
    *makes emergency call to my therapist*

  43. Melia
    August 28, 2014 at 11:03 am — Reply

    One of my student workers told me she thinks Dora the Explorer is mean because she always fusses at Swiper. She feels that we can’t expect much from Swiper because he doesn’t even know to put on pants.

  44. August 28, 2014 at 11:23 am — Reply

    Are they mad at us because we didn’t buy enough Hello Kitty toasters and now they’ve decided to alter our reality as revenge? I REFUTE THE DEVIL and call forth all the powers of the almighty to set this straight!

    In the name of GEEEEEEZUS! Hold on while I go get the church incense and throw some holy water on the dog. Maybe he can tell me what is goingson!

  45. [email protected]
    August 28, 2014 at 11:36 am — Reply

    Is Miss Piggy Charo!!! I Dies!!!!!

  46. Mason's Oreo
    August 28, 2014 at 12:07 pm — Reply

    Hello Kitty is not a cat??? What in the gahtdamb hails is going on? iCan’t! And when did the announcement about Ken and Barbie happen? I has too many confuses!!!!! <___< to Sanrio

  47. Angie
    August 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm — Reply

    It all makes sense to me now…if Hello Kitty is a white girl from England, then Chococst must be her black gay friend because he accessories with scarves and different colored collars.

    Maybe they are into kinky stuff??

    I get it now. I think?

  48. MissTish
    August 28, 2014 at 1:38 pm — Reply

    Ms.Luvvie, Imma need you and errbody to gitcho life-Winnie is not a BEAR, he’s a POOH. A Pooh is a male bear without a penis or testes, who happens to have breasties (hence the loose-fitting crop top).

    You’re welcome.

    • Melia
      August 29, 2014 at 9:41 am — Reply

      Word????? Man…you learn something new every darn day!

    • Boo Radley
      August 29, 2014 at 10:29 am — Reply

      LOOSE FITTING CROP TOP??!

  49. Tiff
    August 28, 2014 at 2:24 pm — Reply

    I’m still confused about Arthur. What happened to his snout?

  50. DLS77
    August 28, 2014 at 3:04 pm — Reply

    And why is her name “Hello Kitty?” (or I guess it’s just “Kitty”) if she’s not a cat?!?

  51. Baleful
    August 28, 2014 at 7:49 pm — Reply

    Has anyone reached out to Mariah Carey?

    First the divorce, now this?

    • August 28, 2014 at 8:36 pm — Reply

      Girl, yes! I forgot that Mariah is Hello Kitty’s Queen Stan. She might need to be supervised for the next few weeks. #DisTewMuch

  52. Natural Soul
    August 28, 2014 at 8:52 pm — Reply

    This post and these comments just made my day. I have tears in my eyes! Love it. Especially the Lil Wayne – sewer rat comment! Flatline———————-

  53. Saveit
    August 28, 2014 at 9:07 pm — Reply

    Hello kitty is lil Kim. That is all. So therefore she is a human woman girl thing.

  54. A. Nicole
    August 28, 2014 at 10:54 pm — Reply

    You know, I didn’t think anything would make me laugh harder than Luvvie’s post & the comments on the Mighty Mouse Swag Brother but THIS! This ish here has had me laughing til my chest hurt, tears streaming down my face and the comments have me fully SLAYED!

  55. August 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm — Reply

    All I have to say is if Hello Kitty is not a cat then why is she a cat? -_-

    Because that is a cat.

    So we’re done here.

  56. Maureen
    August 29, 2014 at 5:08 pm — Reply

    Well hearing that she’s not a cat is better than hearing she’s a demon icon or some Crap that’s why she doesn’t have a mouth…I’ll stick with cat tyvm

  57. […] Image by AwesomelyLuvvie. […]

  58. September 10, 2014 at 8:00 pm — Reply

    Felix is not a cat and Winnie is not a bear too?

  59. September 15, 2014 at 9:08 am — Reply

    […] Image source […]

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