Hello Kitty is Not a Cat and Sanrio Has Ruined Childhood
We all just got news that the cultural icon (it is one, whether you wanna admit it or not) and object of desire by overgrown hipsters everywhere Hello Kitty is in fact NOT a cat. I repeat. Hello Kitty is NOT A FELINE!
According to Hello Kitty scholar (because in our world, we need one of these. Ay dios mio) Christine Yano, she is human, her name is Kitty White, she’s British and she’s forever in the 3rd grade. SO SHE’S NOT EVEN JAPANESE?!? NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!
She said she got clarification from the folks at Sanrio when putting together an exhibit for the Japanese American National Museum.
“Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty.” – LA Times
Yes. Because that clarifies why we are all confused and have been for 40 years. >______>
So this entire time, this cat-like creature is in fact not a cat? They’re talmbout she’s never been on all fours. SO WHAT?!? Is Mickey Mouse a kangaroo? Is Goofy actually Michael Richards aka Kramer? Is Miss Piggy in fact a Pig or is she REALLY Charo? What is going on? Why is the world topsy turvy? Her not being on all fours doesn’t tell us anything. Her compadres stand up too.
We don’t care that she owns a cat of her own. Goofy owns pluto and we deal with that weird conundrum. Daffy Duck doesn’t wear pants but wears a towel when he’s out the shower and we stopped questioning that.
Why does she have whiskers? Are those smile lines? Did her #eyelatch fall off and paste themselves to her cheeks? Are those tribal marks? And the cat ears. Are those just fancy headphones she wears permanently? What is this foolishery?
Also, I’m a bit disturbed that this supposed human doesn’t have a mouth. As a cat, I could deal. But forwhycome Kitty can’t speak? I’m not buying what they’re selling here. Not even if it’s on red dot clearance.
Sanrio is ruining all our childhoods. We need Disney to make a statement affirming the identity of Mickey ASAP. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m feeling really vulnerable and questioning everything and everyone.
* Is Arthur really an Aardvark?
* Are the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles really turtles?
* Is Simba really a lion?
* What about Bugs Bunny? Is he a goat?
* And Winnie the Pooh?
I need reassurance.
We can confirm, Snoopy IS a dog.