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My 12 Thoughts on the 2014 Soul Train Awards

Soul-Train-Awards-2014-Logo

Last night was the airing of the 2014 Soul Train Awards, which taped last month. How did we know? Because pictures got out and we all saw Devante from Jodeci rocking a meatball on his head. I don’t know how I’m supposed to have peace when he’s walking around like that. But y’all know I already roasted him at length. Read that, if you missed it.

Moving on, here’s 12 thoughts I had during the Soul Train Awards.

1. Wendy Williams was SNATCHED TO THE POWER OF ZEUS! Those boobs were sitting so high that I’m sure her chin grazed them. Her waist was cinched to within an inch of her life and she probably had to breathe all shallow for the entire taping. Whew. The price of drag beauty. Werk, Wendy.

2. Trey Songz was wearing a jacket with a giant collar and looked so ridiculous in it. Gordon Gartrelle was somewhere like “they remixed my design and didn’t give me no props.” I know, sir. Disrespectful.

trey-songz-2014-soul-train-awards

3. The Soul Train Awards had to so much ad placement that I started keeping count and then I lost count and quit. Individual awards and performances throughout the show were sponsored by specific brands. The performance of Norwegian duo Nico and Vinz was sponsored by Twix, because both of them are chocolate and caramel. CHILE… O__O Someone really thought that was going to be a hella clever association too. And then there was a Twix screen behind them as they 2-stepped on stage. Oh and MetroPCS was a sponsor too.

And then there were so many commercial breaks that Dora the Explorer’s question pause seems downright quick. The show was 2.5 hours long and it felt like 1.5 of those hours were ads. We gon have to KickStarter funds for them next year.

4. Kem performed and first I was going to go watch paint dry. Bu I stuck around and I figured out an occasion that his music is perfect for. Kem’s music is great for a long roadtrip where you can think through on life’s decisions without distractions. You know that music that will almost put you in a trance so you can focus but you’re still aware of your surroundings? All this time, I was having time meditating. All I had to do was Spotify a Kem album and I coulda found Nirvana. None of y’all told me. I coulda been enlightened if only I had just listened to him and his drone music.

5. Beyonce won an award that Michelle Williams and Boris Kodjoe presented. Bey didn’t even record an acceptance speech or act like she gave a damb. She was like “I had to clean my tub today. I couldn’t make it.” Which makes sense because at certain portions of the night, Bill Bellamy was the most famous person on stage. And well… yeah.

6. Sheryl Underwood presented the commercial break at one point, and she hollered into the microphone for the entire minute she was speaking. Why didn’t nobody tell her that she ain’t gotta yell? Who was supposed to tell her that she didn’t have to do the microphone’s job? Lawdt. There was NO inside voice to be found.

7. Jodeci’s performance had the 90s girl in me squealing but they were breathing all hard, even though they were lip syching. They couldn’t get their steps together too, looking like half of them were changing their mind mid-step to do something else. My standards have been lowered so much that I was still swaying side to side. Again? THIS GAHTDAMB QTIP ON DEVANTE’S HEAD!!! How am I supposed to know peace?!?

Devante Jodeci

When they did “Forever My Lady” I got my life, doe. Even if I kept singing FOREVER SHENENEH! Martin has ruined that song for me. iSweafoLAWD. I couldn’t even help it.

8. The Winan brothers showed up to SANG during the “In Memoriam” section and they, of course, killed it.

I didn’t know who anybody was. I don’t… do I just not listen to Spotify enough? Why don’t I know anybody? Bebe Winans had on a gold blazer and looked like a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and I was so here for it. I wanna be Young, Fly and Flashy too. LOVE IT.

9. Doug E. Fresh showed up (like he does at many award shows) to perform a tribute to Kool and the Gang and I shoulda been hyped but at that point, it was 2 hours into the show and I was ready to slide off my couch from boredom. You know when you wanna pick up a toddler and they go limp? That was me. But guess who joined Doug E.? Mase! And he was rocking royal blue leather culottes. Bless that damb mess.

10. Kool and the Gang accepted their award and I love old people because they take their time at the mic. It ain’t because they forget what they’re gonna say. They’re just not in a rush for anything and ain’t nobody gon check em! I wish you WOULD tell an old person to hurry up with their story/comment. They’d cuss you, your ancestors and your progeny OUT.

11. The highlight of the night was the performance of “Ladies Night” with Lil Kim, Missy and Da Brat (Tat Tat). Kim looking like Mulan won’t ever sit right in my spirit but I enjoyed her part. Missy came through in a #sequence jacket. And Brat is forever trill and I love her.

12. I am getting old because I knew maybe 10% of the folks at the Soul Train Awards. I just kept saying WHO?? It’s not my fault. You know I still got mostly 90s R&B on my iPod and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Oh and Chris Brown won some awards and apparently did a tribute to himself. I missed that part.

By the end of the show, I was so bored that I just wanted to slide off my chair.

chair slide gif

But yes, did y’all watch? Share your thoughts.

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34 Comments

  1. A Mar
    December 1, 2014 at 9:25 am — Reply

    Why come Trey pants look like he needs his diaper changed? Badly. That baby gon have all the diaper rashes.

  2. Tracey
    December 1, 2014 at 9:27 am — Reply

    Everything on BET falls in line with the Debra Levil’s plan. “The destruction of Black people is not happening fast enough.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frNxrg3ePvE

  3. Marcus Sun
    December 1, 2014 at 9:31 am — Reply

    I guess it’s only fair that since you got to reminiscence and sing along to 90’s favs that Trey Songz got to salute the PowerRangers pajamas he wore as a kid.

    • A Mar
      December 1, 2014 at 9:34 am — Reply

      Hahaha! Good damb day!! He was like imma kill em with my black power rangers set. Imma pay hella #amish

  4. December 1, 2014 at 9:33 am — Reply

    I only watched to see my Jamaica girl Tessanne Chin present with Wolf Blitzer and sing with Liv Warfield for like 15 seconds in the Kool and the Gang tribute. I stuck around for Ladies Night afterwards and got my life. Lol! Come THUUUUUUU, 90s lady rappers! *Pours one out for Left Eye*

  5. Alicia
    December 1, 2014 at 9:55 am — Reply

    Can we please address the damn hyper arse chihuahua imitation Tamar gave during the pre-show? I had her on mute and could STILL hear her.

    • December 1, 2014 at 10:18 am — Reply

      Tamar was being extra even for her! Did you peep Wendy shading her and calling her extra animated in that pre-show moment?

      Her outfit was crazy, she was swinging that awful weave to and fro like those beaded curtains from the 70’s and over-using her catchphrases. She was trying real hard bless her heart,.

    • Chandrapete
      December 1, 2014 at 4:50 pm — Reply

      Yes!! Look like she was wearing the couture version of hunting camo. She was doing soooooo much I was at the max of my unable!!

    • Purple Dove
      December 1, 2014 at 7:44 pm — Reply

      Yeeeessssssss! Her entire vocabulary during her hosting gig was “Yeeesssssss” and “hunty” the whole time. Exactly who was she trying to impress and WHY?

      And her part in the Kool and the Gang tribute was tragic. She sounded JUST. LIKE. TONI and sounded so off key. I really want her to know that she’s got more musical talent in her left finger and she doesn’t have to try to be like anybody else. She’s always talking about “Won’t He do it?” (talking about the Lawd) and yet God did it for her but she don’t walk in her gift. The Bible says your gift will make room for you but she’s not using her gift and so she has to perform these antics to get attention. Use your gift, Tamar!

      Thanks for letting me get that out, everybody!

  6. Charlene
    December 1, 2014 at 9:57 am — Reply

    It was great to see MC Lyte, Total and Lady of Rage share the stage with Kim, Missy and Brat.

    “Kim looking like Mulan won’t ever sit right in my spirit”…..I.just.can’t with you……

  7. December 1, 2014 at 10:21 am — Reply

    That show was so low budget that I was waiting for them to pass a collection plate, and what was with all those skits that Wendell, er, Wendy was doing?

    Where the heck did they find Pastor Mase? Shouldn’t he be baptizing babies and out visiting the sick and shut in? I was expecting Diddy to show up in a shiny suit yelling “Take that Take That!” lol

    • Nina
      December 1, 2014 at 1:20 pm — Reply

      iSnickered @ Wendell

  8. CLH
    December 1, 2014 at 11:15 am — Reply

    I did not watch it, but after reading this I am glad I did not waste my time

  9. December 1, 2014 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    I had to turn the channel for awhile when Tamar started sucking her teeth and clicking her tongue like she had 7 Now and Later candies in her mouth. Worst Cita impression ever.

    Plus, why was Sheryl Underwood wearing the latex leggings and the sequin tank top from Catherine’s? I could not understand.

    Leon came out and said “Hi, I’m Leon.” Dassit. o_O He didn’t introduce a segment, an award, or anything. Just “Hi, I’m Leon”, then commercial.

    Devante needs to quit playing and get rid of that Playstation remote knob on the side of his head.

    • Tray
      December 1, 2014 at 9:28 pm — Reply

      ALL of this ^^^^^!!! LOL

    • Lauryn Trill
      December 19, 2014 at 5:45 am — Reply

      “Worst Cita impression ever…” <<——Where have you been all my life???We need a Sista's night out….beer on me…

  10. December 1, 2014 at 12:44 pm — Reply

    I loved the Ladies Night segment and when my boo thang Leon said” Hi I’m Leon”. I was like “Well yes you are and u still too damb fine!!!!

    • circa1908
      December 1, 2014 at 1:58 pm — Reply

      damb it to hayle I missed Leon…

  11. notconvincedgranny
    December 1, 2014 at 12:48 pm — Reply

    I knew better than to watch this mess. I’d rather scrape and buff a grizzly bear’s toenails.

  12. dmaclee
    December 1, 2014 at 12:57 pm — Reply

    This was theee worst, but I got my life between FB and Twitter clowning it. That chile Tinashe or whatever was doing her best 8th grade pom squad moves trying to sell that sack song. Looking like Ciara in the gym trying to work off the baby weight. Between Luvvie’s foolishness and Lalah Hathaway’s shade on Twitter, my night was made.

  13. Syrich
    December 1, 2014 at 1:04 pm — Reply

    Wow, instead of watching the Soul Train awards, I watched reruns of Psyche, it was the two shows featuring Blackafella, they were very entertaining. Now that I have read the recap and the comments, I feel like I am now equiped to watch the award show in small doses at a time. My only fear is that this recap is more enjoyable than the show. OMG you guys are so funny.

  14. Neenah
    December 1, 2014 at 1:39 pm — Reply

    I felt like I didn’t enjoy this awards show………and I didn’t. I’m so glad someone agreed with me.

  15. circa1908
    December 1, 2014 at 1:44 pm — Reply

    who let Trey out the house without changing his diaper though?

    I didn’t watch except for the very end when they paid tribute to Kool & the Gang (it actually took me that long to find out what channel BET is on my cable since I NEVER watch that station) I was very disappointed that James JT Taylor was not with Kool and the Gang, was he voted off? I went to google and didn’t seem to find an answer.

    Lil Kim has entered some witness protection program where she can be out and public but don’t no one recognize her and she will now forever be mistaken as an extra from any anime film (pick one). Poor thing

    Lastly, can someone please explain how Soul Train has a website, cruise and award show but don’t have a tv show anymore… that is just as bad as Devonte’s struggle pom ponytail. Ok well maybe that is a stretch. But yeah, maybe we need to just Let it go with the soul train awards… that train has left the station already.

    • Sweety B
      December 3, 2014 at 2:45 am — Reply

      I thought it was cold of the not to even mention James ‘JT’ Taylor’s name, as he was really the one who put Kool In The Gang on the map. His voice is so unique, I miss it! The imposter they had replace him 15+ years ago sounds terrible (YouTube them), so I never see them live. JT started performing again this year though. No signs of them getting back together. :-/

      Nick Cannon says he wants to bring back Soul Train… we’ll see.

      • 70s Soul Chikd
        December 3, 2014 at 10:47 pm — Reply

        Ummm, Kool and the Gang were on the map waaaaaaaaaaay before ol’ tired wish-he-was-Donnie-Simpson-adorable JT started gyrating with them. I’m sure wherever he is, he’s happy cuz he’s there with himself. 😛

  16. rose
    December 1, 2014 at 2:48 pm — Reply

    BEST PART OF WHOLE NIGHT hands down….was when Mike Tyson wondered out on stage for no dam reason…he wasn’t giving an award, he wasn’t announcing anyone…he didnt read from the teleprompter…it was like he just thought..”hey. no one is out there…i’m gonna go out there” it was comical

  17. December 1, 2014 at 3:31 pm — Reply

    As an owner of numerous pairs of culottes as a shawty, I NEVER saw the word written out…until today. Three days before I turn 32. What is life? LOL Thanks Luv!

  18. Shay DeShade
    December 1, 2014 at 6:14 pm — Reply

    Trey Songz: Suze Orman called and she wants her jacket back. Dry cleaned and everythang.

  19. Purple Dove
    December 1, 2014 at 7:36 pm — Reply

    Pre-blog reading post:

    I’ve concluded that the 2014 Soul Train Awards might top the list of the most JANKYIEST (ratchet, unprofessional, non-quality) awards show that I’ve ever seen. This year’s show just made me miss REAL MUSIC. I live in a Whitetopia (read: predominantly White city in the mountain west) and I was in some store today and Hall and Oates’ “Sara Smile” was on and hearing that old school music from some “blue-eyed” soul sound 1 MILLION percent better than most of what I heard on the Soul Train Awards. The ONLY things that saved this show was Ken and Ledisi’s duet and the Kool and the Gang tribute. I get that I’ve outgrown the new music but the new music is so bad regardless of age.

    Thanks for letting me rant. Now to read Awesomely’s review.

  20. Purple Dove
    December 1, 2014 at 7:54 pm — Reply

    Ok. Here’s my post-blog reading post. And I’m writing this while watching a rerun of the show on BET. Sigh….

    I’ve laid out my pallet to lay me down to sleep and pray the Lawd my soul to keep after these points:

    1: Devante from Jodeci rocking a meatball on his head. A meatball. Meatball. Meatball.

    2. Ad placement. The giant Metro PCS sign took up most of the screen. We get it. The Soul Train Awards doesn’t even belong to Soul Train–like somebody said upthread. RIP, Don.

    3. Agree with being bored through most of the show. I’m grown but I’m not dead and I appreciate good music but there was nothing good to listen to beyond the old school stuff.

    4. I got fooled for a moment with the Jodeci lip sync. Sigh…. Forever Sheneneh will last forever.

    5. The Kool and the Gang tribute featured at least two SAMPLES of the songs instead of the songs themselves. Sigh….

    6. Hand mics and no standing mics. They could only afford about eight hand mics to use for a two-hour event. Sigh….

    7. 2014 is the year of the non-authentic tributes (Kool and the Gang)/biopics (Aalilyah) and Wendy Williams seems to be the common thread. Hmmmmm…

    I’ll end here as Stephanie Mills is on singing “Home” with no tricks. Just a pure, strong, healthy, in-tune voice. Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing, baby….

  21. Purple Dove
    December 1, 2014 at 7:59 pm — Reply

    Dangit! I forgot to add:

    1. Was it just me or did the Kool and the Gang acceptance speeches remind you of the scene from “The Five Heartbeats” when they won their lifetime awards and a major person was missing or ignored or they were in cahoots? Where was J.T.? LOL!

    2. AL saying Lil’ Kim looked like Mulan…. #noliestold

  22. KeMill
    December 1, 2014 at 11:48 pm — Reply

    Gordon Gartrelle……#dead#

  23. December 3, 2014 at 6:37 pm — Reply

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  24. Wilma
    December 31, 2014 at 1:25 pm — Reply

    I thank God for the machine called “DVR”- yes- it is one of the wonders of this present world! Recently, I get very bored with these awards shows- too many commercials, dry boring jokes by some of the presenters and some unexpected inappropriate outfits- probability of “ wardrobe malfunctions” and racy performances- so to avoid being taken unawares- I record such shows. The reason is because I sometimes watch them with my kids & I can fastfoward rubbish and watch what I want to watch. My main reason for recording was to see 3WB, Erica Campbell, Stephanie Mills & Kool & the Gang. I enjoyed all but I was shocked and disappointed that James JT Taylor whose amazing vocals made the groups classic signature sound was not there and was not recognized. I fastforwarded most of the show to watch what I wanted but after Kool & the Gang- I deleted it. I hope Nick Cannon brings back the show to its former glory!

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