Because A Dildo With Your Bae’s Ashes is Now a Thing
I don’t understand humanity sometimes, and of course we’re heading for doom. Stephen Hawking said so and now I’m sure of it. I read an article yesterday about a dildo you can order, with your loved one’s ashes inside. Don’t let something like death preclude your boo from having a hand in your pleasure life. DON’T LET IT.
It is called 21 grams, and was created by a dude named Mark Sturkenboom. He put the dildo as part of a package of mementos for your lost love. And it comes in a music box that is opened with a necklace. Behold:
That clear wand with the gold on the inside is the dildo. All the NOPES that ever NOPED in NOPECHESTER at a NOPE Symposium.This is taking Maki Dada (you and me us never part) too damb far. I haz some questions.
* But why? Of all ways to remember those we have loved, why this one? I just wanna know why we’d want the remains of our beloved baes to be inserted into our pleasure wands so we can use them for our Love Pockets? On a level of 0 to Your Next Door Neighbor Broke Into Your House to Watch You Sleep, this is a solid 9 on the creepy scale.
* Is this travel-friendly? Let’s say you’re going somewhere and you’re not checking in your luggage, will be you able to take this through airport security? Will TSA stop you and confiscate your Ash Rabbit? How will that affect your morale, knowing your lover’s remains will spend eternity stuck under an iPad 2 and that Swiss Army knife that the dude forgot he left in his backpack?
* Is this guaranteed to never break? I hope this dildo is sealed REALLY well because if it breaks somehow and powder of the dead ends up in your vaginal walls… talk about traumatic. If this shit breaks, I’d really be on some Valar Morghulis shit. ALL. MEN. MUST. DIE.
* If it does break somehow during use, what do you do? If the dildo breaks, how many days do you have to rock a pantyliner to make sure it all falls out? What do you say to your gynecologist, who is wondering why there’s gray powder all on your uterus? I just have many logistical questions for a worst-case scenario.
* Will Jesus laugh at you if this ends up not going well? You send Jesus a prayer for a new Love Pocket and He gon tell you He ain’t gon fix this because you did too murch. And He’s standing by your loved one whose ashes you used and they’re side-eying you too. All the Archangels gon collectively laugh at us.
This is not what they had in mind when they said “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” I’m pretty sure of it.
Let’s also talk about the fact that the picture on the article is this:
You know what makes a dildo with someone’s ashes in it even more side-eye worthy? When it’s held by someone who looks like she might be the head of the Usher Board. Whose granny is this and why did I just lose everything libido-related? She looks like she’s sitting in the church pew holding on to the dildo instead of a Bible. WHY, LAWD?!?
Because my friends are also the worst, they had their own questions and comments when I posted the article on Facebook.
Luvvie: Humanity is doomed.
Abiola: You mean, humanity, we are fucked.
Keem: WHY WOULD YOU POST THIS LUVVIE?!!?!?!?!?! MY LAPTOP IS A CHRISTIAN LAPTOP, AND YOU’VE VIOLATED IT!
Scott: It’s been 25 years. White people need to stop taking the movie Ghost so seriously.
A’Driane: If it broke, like what could you do? Grab a Dust Buster? What do you tell your GYN? What impact would this have on your emotional, physical, and sexual health?
Briana: Talk about being filled with a spirit
Kat: OMG I would be scarred for fucking three lifetimes if my husband’s ashes were in my vajayjay because of some cheap ass sealing on a dildo. Scarred for several lifetimes.
Denitria: What if you get remarried, and your new hubby is not into your spirit hubby? I mean do you just put it away, or save that for private time? Posthumous menage? I’m trying to be supportive here. Can you get zombie pregnant?
Abiola: “Butt” how does this work for men?
Denitria: That’s exactly how it works, Abiola.
Scott: I’m going to send Mark Sturkenboom these instructions to print on the box: “SPECIAL CARE INSTRUCTIONS: Clean in lukewarm water only. Do not run through dishwasher with Cascade unless properly blessed by a priest/minister/rabbi/shaman/Oprah out of respect for the deceased.”
Li: I’m sorry, but don’t they say your loved ones are never gone because you carry them there inside you? WHY THE JUDGMENT ON THE BODY PART I CHOOSE AS A RECEPTACLE LUVVIE?!?
A’driane: Yea when God talked about two flesh becoming one, I’m pretty damn sure this ain’t what He meant.
Li: I’m not saying I’d do it, I’m just saying if you can’t make them come back from the dead at least the dead can make you come from the back.
Sili: Well, it would give new meaning to the term “fuck this bitch”.
Amara: Would you need consent from the deceased prior to their death? What happens when it breaks? Who would want their “afterlife” to be inside a glass dildo? I’m just so confused.
Sili: Ohhhh! This is all coming together! Petty prayer! There’s a purpose for this after all: May the ashes of your loved one’s dildo bust inside of you and cause you the itch of a thousand vaginas with a yeast infection and sweat pants on a hot summer day.
I hate that I love them. So… whatchu think of the ashes dildo? You gon get one when your bae follows the drinking gourd to our Lord or nah?
It is time to write that book. Come into The Book Academy and learn how to go from IDEA to INK.
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32 Comments
OF COURSE a man created this.
” Li: I’m not saying I’d do it, I’m just saying if you can’t make them come back from the dead at least the dead can make you come from the back” This comment I why I had to clock out and go home for the rest of the day lmao wow
I fell out of my chair on this one too!!!
Lawd I died at that comment!
My legs turned to Jell-o and I hit the floor when I saw that.
I literally CANNOT RIGHT NOW!!!!
but Li’s comment:
“If you can’t make them come back from the dead, at least the dead can make you come from the back.” I’m über dead- I CANNOT!
So, is this thing, like, customisable? Like, os it a standard model or can you order it with the same… dimensions of your dearly departed? Or can you get an upgrade if you so desire.
I’m asking for a friend.
Lmbo
“Till death do us part…”
I guess somebody said, “forget that. This marriage ain’t over till I SAY IT IS”
And I’m not mad at the older lady being the model for this. Golden Girls need that good good lovin too.
When I made cold calls for my former sales job, one of the most interesting conversations I had was with an older lady who wanted to tell me about her deceased husband (who had also been in sales). She knew from the first time they danced together, that she had found…*something* that she was looking for…and went on about how much she missed that.
(insert “alrighty then” gif here)
(cue the music
“…making it hard for me…”)
If Blanche Devereaux was alive she would cremate you…
But, what do guys get?
if they’re straight? a new wife
I bet you some lady is like, “I loved Billy but my Dead Billy BOB is waaaaaaaay more reliable in the sack than he ever was.”
Maybe they’ll make ash fleshlights for the guys.
“He may have been a dirty lowdown cheater when he was here, but he’s all mine now. And I make him work on MY schedule.”
Does it vibrate? If not, does it sound like someone’s shaking maracas when in use?
While working hard for that O, should one play the Ying Yang Twins’ “Salt Shaker” for extra effectiveness?
As deliciously crazy this is, I don’t thik it’s really a vibe.
http://www.marksturkenboom.com/works/21-grams/
Um, what part of “If she wishes she is able to have an intimate night with her sweetheart again” and the way the gran posed with it in the pic did you not understand?
I just wanna be friends with Abiola and Denitria because we go together…
Ash rabbit…*wheezes*
Lmbo
Li….
I am just so confuzzled. Who what and why? Humanity is doomed!
I wish I would have any man’s ashes in my big king.
He’s GONE. He’s moved on the afterlife, I can’t have him standing around blocking Big Willy from spending the night.
hell no.
he better hope i don’t think about something stupid he did and mix him up in the kitty litter.
Oh my gosh
That would be a disturbingly hilarious TV scene.
“All those years he had me fooled!
He was s#!tting on me the whole time!
I’ll show him!”
“Li: I’m not saying I’d do it, I’m just saying if you can’t make them come back from the dead at least the dead can make you come from the back.”
THROWS PHONE AT WALL.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!
Because while unlike the Rolling Stones, I may not be able to “make a dead man cum”, I may still be able to make someone cum when I’m dead…
This one is going in my will!
I do have a question though. Should you be listening to death metal whilst using this vibe? I mean you want to set the right mood and all, right?
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Your husband may be dead but
With our urn he can still thrust – Morticia
THIS is the best of those comments:
“Li: I’m not saying I’d do it, I’m just saying if you can’t make them come back from the dead at least the dead can make you come from the back.”
I freakin’ CHOKED!!! BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
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