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Chris Rock Shouldn’t Boycott the Oscars. I Wrote Some #OscarsSoWhite Jokes For Him

The pressure for Black celebrities to boycott the Oscars is here, yet Chris Rock was hired to host this year’s show. Even Tyrese threw his hat in the ring, publicly asking Chris to step down as host. Sir, were you even invited? Did you even get a ticket? How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.

I don’t think Chris Rock should boycott the Oscars. He should fulfill his duties as host and go SO HARD about how white the room is onstage.

Oscars-Chris-Rock

He should make so many “this room is so white” jokes that everyone in the room is uncomfortable, shifting in their seats and chuckling nervously all night. Chris Rock as the host of an award show that has boldly excluded Black people is a great visual. There’s SO MANY jokes he could tell, because he’d be like one of five Black people there.

I’m boycotting watching the Oscars this year because it’s boring, not because it’s another year of white out. That’s EVERY year, and I was THERE in 2012. I did press coverage on the 2012 Academy Awards red carpet and backstage.

Luvvie Oscars 2012

Me. Feeling myself next to Oscar.

I was backstage during the show eating all the shrimp and cupcakes because they had Wolfgang Puck cater. I literally spent the entire time by the food, as other journalists filed their stories. They had CHOCOLATE oscars! Read: Journey to the Academy Awards: My Epic Oscar Day Recap.

ENNEHWEIGHS, Chris shouldn’t step down. I wrote him a few jokes he could use.

This Oscars is so white, I need an Instagram filter to look at this audience without squinting. We need to hit this place with a Hefe filter or something.”

Dang. This room is so white, the wifi password is “PRIVILEGE.” All caps.

If this room got any whiter, no one would need to use flash photography tonight. 

This room is so white that I want to ski through the aisles. So much snow.

Even the NY Post got in on the action,

Even the NY Post got in on the action,

This room is so white that it is has one Black friend. That’s me.”

This room is so white that *insert known addict here* would like to snort it.

This room is so white they told me not to touch anything.

This room is so white, that Donald Trump doesn’t want to deport it.

This room is so white, the cops you see are actually here to serve and protect.

Chris Brown Oscars

Anywho, if anyone can do this mission justice, it is Chris Rock. He is the perfect man for the job because he has never been shy about pointing out the absurdity of racism in his standups. He doesn’t need me to write him some jokes but if he wants, my petty is for hire and my shade is for lease. I’m just saying.

I’ll be sure to watch clips of his jokes online the day after the show, though. I wanna hear the quips he comes with.

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19 Comments

  1. MsD
    January 22, 2016 at 10:50 am — Reply

    I am ecstatic CR is hosting He pulls no punches and I have every confidence he will GO IN. The Oscars knew exactly who they hired to host.

  2. Milaxx
    January 22, 2016 at 11:16 am — Reply

    I want Chris Rock to be like Ricky Gervais was the first year he hosted the Golden Globes and had everybody feelings getting hurt. I’m not watching, not doing my annual try to watch all the nominated films thing, and not watching the RC shows. I’m just not supporting in any way. I don’t care if others do or don’t.

  3. T Mac
    January 22, 2016 at 11:17 am — Reply

    This room is so white, it looks like a GOP convention. This room is so white, LA grocery stores are having a cracker shortage.

    • Jacque Michelle Golden-Raines
      January 22, 2016 at 12:12 pm — Reply

      Winner!!!!!!

  4. January 22, 2016 at 11:31 am — Reply

    Agreed! I wonder if all the ppl sayin’ Chris Rock should boycott cuz the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ saw the movie he wrote and directed.. Ya’ll better let that black man work! smh.

  5. Nikki Butler
    January 22, 2016 at 11:44 am — Reply

    I read those all in Chris Rock’s voice. Good stuff.

  6. Cynthia G
    January 22, 2016 at 12:54 pm — Reply

    I hope he enjoys himself in typical Chris Rock fashion. Just go in! Yes I’ll be watching as I always do (I keep it on in the background while I do shit, like all awards shows). I’m not playing games with Jada & Will because they are mad and want to take their toys and go home. Chris is the kind of person that will not retreat and will stay and force you to defend your actions and possibly change your mind just by being himself in your face. And Tyrese? HAHAHAHAHA why is his illiterate ass talking? Fool you can’t even be the person who refills the toilet paper in the bathrooms at the Oscars. Keep dreaming dummy.

  7. Vonetta
    January 22, 2016 at 3:39 pm — Reply

    How ’bout…”This room is so white, the police won’t shoot it.”
    Ba-dum-dum.

    • DarLai
      January 22, 2016 at 8:14 pm — Reply

      Oh please, PLEASE let him say that!!! Somebody send it to him!

  8. Bronwen
    January 22, 2016 at 4:27 pm — Reply

    “Welcome to the Oscars, sponsored by Clorox.”

  9. Robin
    January 22, 2016 at 4:48 pm — Reply

    I want Chris Rock to go out there and grab the big jugulars in that room, too, but listen. It’s so not about the Oscars or who is voting. It’s about what is getting made. Change the make up of the Academy tomorrow, and you still having nothing to vote for. All the best stuff is on tv, not movies, and it’s more culturally relevant than films. It changed about 15 years ago, yes?

    Viola Davis has been so right about this. There are no roles. And the roles are never cast outside the small li’l itsy bitsy lily white parameters.

    Latinos make up 17% of the population, and Asians 5%. How about them? African Americans make up 13%, but I guarantee you, we can sit here for a half hour naming great amazing black actors and actress who are real stars with real money and real careers. When we play the Latino/Asian version of that game, I can think of maybe four or five… seven maybe…. then crickets.

    And while we are at it… uhm… how about the fact that when it comes to the actual speaking roles, men outnumber women more than two to one? Yep. Forget the pay thing for a sec. Less than 31 per cent of the damn speaking roles go to women. 69 per cent of time it’s the penis-owners mansplaining the plot as the bombs go off.

    Whatever. Ok. Back to work.

  10. notconvincedgranny
    January 22, 2016 at 5:55 pm — Reply

    Once upon a time, even Eddie Murphy talked about the powdery nature of the Oscars (and he was a presenter!). Check him out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtph_KfsoiE

    The more things change, the more they yadda yadda (and no, Seinfeld did NOT invent that).

  11. circa1908
    January 22, 2016 at 7:49 pm — Reply

    This room is so white there’s a Starbucks kiosk in the middle aisle

  12. January 23, 2016 at 5:35 pm — Reply

    Spot on, Luvvie. I ain’t MAD @ Chris Rock.

    Here’s a lone liner for you!

    Welcome to the Oscars, where there’s enough WHITEOUTS for attendees to make as many mistakes writing their acceptance speeches as they need to!

    Oscars so WHITE, Captain Von Trapp sings

    Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every evening you greet me.
    Large and WHITE, clean and BRIGHT, you look happy to meet me.

  13. January 24, 2016 at 3:24 pm — Reply

    The wifi password is PRIVILEGE.
    THE WIFI PASSWORD IS *PRIVILEGE.*

    Girl. Dying.

  14. January 24, 2016 at 11:06 pm — Reply

    Let’s hope he goes as hard as we want him to because as you well know, writers are employed for awards shows, and the Lawd knows that could go really wrong really fast. Let us pray….. lmao!

  15. January 26, 2016 at 11:05 am — Reply

    “Even Tyrese threw his hat in the ring, publicly asking Chris to step down as host. Sir, were you even invited? Did you even get a ticket? How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.”

    THIS is why he’s blocked you from all of his social media! LMAO

  16. DB MacBibb
    February 1, 2016 at 5:32 pm — Reply

    This room is so white, its friends can’t hangout with them after Labor Day.

    The Oscars are so white, a groundhog saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of winter.

  17. Tanya
    March 1, 2016 at 6:31 pm — Reply

    Dammit Luvvie,why didn’t you wrote Chris’s monologue. I laughed more in 2 minutes than I did during the 2 hours I wasted watching the Oscars.

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