Dear Stacey Dash, Who Knew Clueless Was a Biopic?
I have chilled on writing ex-actress and current Faux News mouthpiece Stacey Dash a sternly-worded letter for years, as I verbally chin-checked Raven-Symone. So this is overdue. Besides, so many of y’all asked me to that I was afraid that if I didn’t, you might pitch a tent on my eLawn (aka my Facebook page) until I did.
She has tried it FOR REAL.
Dear Stacey Dash,
You used to be my girlcrush. All I knew about you before 2012 was that your Black refused to crack, because you were pushing forty years old and could still play a college student. I wondered if you swan dove in a fountain of unicorn tears every morning. Your Black was glossy and luxurious as hell. People either wanted to be you or wanted to be with you.
But no. Now I realize that you made a deal with the devil that in exchange for youthfulness, he’d take your ability to be logical. Like how the Little Mermaid exchanged her voice for legs. You exchanged your face aging for senselessness.
You know how folks talk about the “Great White Hope?” You’re the Great Black Disappointment, because every single time you open your mouth, stupidity falls out. You burp idiocy. And it’s either you’re doing it on purpose to troll us OR you were the prototype for the Child Left Behind that Dubya tried to save.
I do not understand how one person could be so out of touch that they’re a caricature of coon. Some of the things you’ve been saying in these last 5 years are so imbecilic that I’m pretty sure you’re the long lost niece of Uncle Ruckus. Self-hate is a summagoat, and you are swimming in it.
First, you endorsed Mitt Romney as president of the United States, against Barack Obama. That’s when I was like “WAYMENT. Stacey Dash ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, huh?” It was my first inkling. Black folks are not a monolith, and we do not all have the same politics and we do not all have to be Liberals. But you’re so far right that your views show contempt for your own skinfolk.
The things you say about race, police brutality, politics are so out of pocket that your family has disowned you for being a dumb ass. Your cousin Damon Dash distanced himself from you. You can’t even use Mrs. Dash seasoning on your chicken. You are no longer allowed. See your life.
When Fox News hired you to be a contributor on their network, I knew it was a wrap then. That’s where sound judgment goes to die.
The latest from you are your remarks about the boycott of the Oscars happening, and you once again talked from the side of your mouth. Here’s the clip:
“Either we want to have segregation or integration. If we don’t want segregation, then we need to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the Image Awards where you’re only awarded if you’re Black. If it were the other way around, we would be up in arms…Just like there shouldn’t be a Black History Month. We’re Americans. Period.”
It IS the other way around, goof!!! These mainstream award shows ARE supposed to be integrated and STILL white people are only awarding other white people. THAT IS THE POINT, dustbucket! How is someone in the skin you’re in so uninformed about the reality of race, systemic exclusion and dynamics of power?
I don’t… I can’t… I won’t… because what you have here is a tool of sinning. You just want me to cuss to high heavens and low hells, because ain’t no way I’m supposed to hear that and the veins in my neck don’t make a cameo.
I want to believe that you are the Troll of the Universe. Because otherwise, you’re just dizzy as fucque. BET shouldn’t exist? Girl, you tried it. Which is why when they clapped back on Twitter, I GUFFAWED. It was perfect and I was proud.
People got shorter memories than goldfish outchea. Who else was giving you checks after Clueless, Stacey? WHO? It surely wasn’t NBC. Your acting career is stale so you’d think you would know better than bite one of the few hands that feeds you. The last “acting” project I remember you in was as the video girl in Kanye West’s “All Falls Down.” Instead, you just continue to show that self-awareness is mad busy.
Let’s not even bring up the fact that you’ve been on the cover of KING Magazine AND Heart & Soul, two Black publications. Vogue ain’t ever invite you to grace their covers. Elle Magazine is probably like “Who is Stacey Dash?” But you wanna talk about how we don’t need “segregation.” These white folks ain’t checking for you for anything but to let you make a fool of yourself on their crappy news network, ma’am.
I don’t understand, and I don’t even have the time to talk about how wrong your statements are. If you and Don Lemon (the high fructose corn syrup of journalism) walk into a room at the same time, the space-time continuum might collapse in itself from peak daftness. Throw in Raven-Symone and y’all might prematurely trigger the apocalypse.
You’ve cemented your place as That Black Person That Cannot Be Invited To The Annual Barbeque Because She Doesn’t Like Being Black. At this point, I’d vouch for Rachel Dolezal the Undercover Sista before I make you my plus one. You can’t sit with us and you surely can’t eat Aunty’s special tater salad. You are no longer welcome.
And we’ve tried to trade you in the racial draft but white folks have told us that they don’t want you either. By white folks, I mean my friend Scott.
So what now? Where do you go, Stacey? You don’t wanna be Black but you surely ain’t white either.
What is sad is that you’re trying to play the Good Black, pandering to Conservatives who aren’t even just right-wingers, but downright racist pricks. When you walk out those rooms after shucking and jiving, they’re probably calling you everything but a child of God. Try as you may, you’ll never be white. Be as respectable as you want, and they can still cut you down to size with one word. Bend over backwards to be the “exception” yet many of them will still see you as one of the things that don’t belong.
And don’t take those natural blessings of melanin for granted. If Harriet, Sojourner, Frederick and them see fit, you might wake up and find some deep crevices in that face. Your Black might crumble one day. Pretty is temporary so whatcha got to take it’s place? Cuz lately, I’ve been seeing your pores on HD and the ancestors might have already started on Operation Pull Her Pretty. I’m just saying.
I just didn’t realize that Clueless was a biopic.
Yours in Head Shaking,
P.S. The new haircut is cute, doe.
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