Hey Tech Support, America’s Loading Slow
It feels like the United States is going through some things right now. Between this election season’s straight buffoonery, spurred on by the GOP cirque du idiots and the Dems ripping each other apart, things are rough around here.
It also doesn’t help that state legislatures are obsessed with regulating the bodies of women, instead of minding the business of actually being useful. And people in our own country are being poisoned by their water. It’s all too damb much.
How do we fix it? Someone on Twitter suggested the first rule of tech support. Me and my friends had other suggestions. We go full nerd, too.
Luvvie: Or blowing in the cartridge?
Charlie: We need to update the OS or something.
Nick: still won’t print.
Charlie: At a minimum, the antivirus software is out of date.
Amber: Has someone called IT?
Elisa: We need to escalate to second tier support.
Amber: Do they offer a online chat??
Luvvie: We should unplug it for 20 seconds and then plug it back in. AND THEN boot it up.
Elisa: If only I could remember my password.
Charlie: This is some internet explorer/Windows Vista/ME shit.
Amber: 404 ERROR
Luvvie: Is the warranty expired? Can we get it replaced? Or the broken part fixed?
Elisa: Apparently we only paid for 240 years of AmericaCare, soooo sorry.
Charlie: Did people forget to do bug testing on this democracy version?
Luvvie: Have we tried to reboot it in Safe Mode?
Elisa: Well, it’s a Land-of-the-Free app, what do you expect?
Luvvie: Damb. Maybe the last developers messed up some coding somewhere.
Amber: We need to get the kids from “Hackers” in here…
Luvvie: Maybe there’s a compatibility issue with the last software installed
Charlie: Oh man. That one hits a nail on the head.
Elisa: We probably loaded some unauthorized pirate malware or something.
Luvvie: I think we had the Beta version. We shoulda waited til it was ready before installing. Now the hard drive is fried.
Charlie: The Diversity v2.106 patch might help?
Luvvie: We should try upgrading the RAM. And the logic board.
Elisa: Maybe just a simple restore to factory settings?
Charlie: Let’s just scrap the build and try it in a new language.
Elisa: I hope we can salvage some code. I mean, I know it’s gotten all Frankenstein-y (like a Microsoft OS), but there was good work once.
Charlie: some of it is super outdated and just using resources for no reason.
Elisa: yes, I’ve noticed some severe memory leaks.
Charlie: bad kernels, especially in the optics and security settings.
Elisa: And perhaps we need a faster processor, so we can react more quickly to address unexpected resource drains.
Charlie: This is the nerdiest conversation about politics, race and domestic policy I’ve ever seen, and it makes me so happy.
Luvvie: SERIOUSLY. My heart is swooning right now. I have a mind crush on all of you.
Elisa: I’m pretty happy too. But that doesn’t compute in this America!
Luvvie: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, Elisa!
My friends are such nerds. This is why they’re my tribe. This is why we go together.
My Facebook fam got a hold of this post and added their own nerdery to continue the conversation.
Malaika: We needed the extended warranty for America, but we were too cheap to get it lol
Luvvie: Now we have regrets. ALWAYS GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY
Aleece: Have we tried more duct tape or soaking in rice?
Nikki: My cousin Daryl learned word processing the penitentiary. Maybe he can help.
Charlie: If you find Tech Support, lemme know because this country is about to be a blue screen error code.
Clarice: We need to check if Uncle Sam has a cat. Most of my computer problems stem from one Cheeseball stomping all over the the keyboard which causes all kinds of havoc. I bet there’s a cat somewhere looking very pleased with itself as we all run around in a panic.
Safiya: Tell Elisa, we CANNOT go back to factory settings. LOL
Elisa: GOOD POINT!!!
Safiya: It’s a trick. It really just gives you the “make America great again” virus. LOL
Elisa: Safiya Ah LOL! OMG, you’re right!!!
Ebony: Well, part of the issue was we installed a faulty system onto a motherboard with another operating system on it. It was bound to crash sooner or later. We could only run AV software and patch up so many times
Jessica: It all started with that missing W on the keyboard. Ain’t been right since.
Sherri: Attach a hanger and some foil then bang the side….HARD
April: Did you clear cache? That usually helps.
Jessica: We’re seriously on Dial up with an AOL email address
Janet: The original coders hastily released the documents (Declaration of Independence and Constitution) knowing they had bugs, but wrote in provisions for fixes. The problem is we have no coders willing enough and capable enough to fix said bugs. Thus the current mess.
Spring: We need to defrag, clear out our temp files and unused programs. Restart, and PRAY that works.
Mimi: Ok…who replied to the phishing email?
Des: Perhaps we could get ANONYMOUS to help us get rid of this virus.
Ten: Who installed Vistas ?