Hey Tech Support, America’s Loading Slow

It feels like the United States is going through some things right now. Between this election season’s straight buffoonery, spurred on by the GOP cirque du idiots and the Dems ripping each other apart, things are rough around here.

It also doesn’t help that state legislatures are obsessed with regulating the bodies of women, instead of minding the business of actually being useful. And people in our own country are being poisoned by their water. It’s all too damb much.

How do we fix it? Someone on Twitter suggested the first rule of tech support. Me and my friends had other suggestions. We go full nerd, too.

Turn America Off

Luvvie: Or blowing in the cartridge?

Charlie: We need to update the OS or something.

Nick: still won’t print.

Charlie: At a minimum, the antivirus software is out of date.

Amber: Has someone called IT?

Elisa: We need to escalate to second tier support.

Amber: Do they offer a online chat??

Luvvie: We should unplug it for 20 seconds and then plug it back in. AND THEN boot it up.

Elisa: If only I could remember my password.

Charlie: This is some internet explorer/Windows Vista/ME shit.

Amber: 404 ERROR

Luvvie: Is the warranty expired? Can we get it replaced? Or the broken part fixed?

Elisa: Apparently we only paid for 240 years of AmericaCare, soooo sorry.

Charlie: Did people forget to do bug testing on this democracy version?

Luvvie: Have we tried to reboot it in Safe Mode?

Elisa: Well, it’s a Land-of-the-Free app, what do you expect?

Luvvie: Damb. Maybe the last developers messed up some coding somewhere.

Amber: We need to get the kids from “Hackers” in here…

Luvvie: Maybe there’s a compatibility issue with the last software installed

Charlie: Oh man. That one hits a nail on the head.

Elisa: We probably loaded some unauthorized pirate malware or something.

Luvvie: I think we had the Beta version. We shoulda waited til it was ready before installing. Now the hard drive is fried.

Charlie: The Diversity v2.106 patch might help?

Luvvie: We should try upgrading the RAM. And the logic board.

Elisa: Maybe just a simple restore to factory settings?

Burn it gif

Charlie: Let’s just scrap the build and try it in a new language.

Elisa: I hope we can salvage some code. I mean, I know it’s gotten all Frankenstein-y (like a Microsoft OS), but there was good work once.

Charlie: some of it is super outdated and just using resources for no reason.

Elisa: yes, I’ve noticed some severe memory leaks.

Charlie: bad kernels, especially in the optics and security settings.

Elisa: And perhaps we need a faster processor, so we can react more quickly to address unexpected resource drains.

Charlie: This is the nerdiest conversation about politics, race and domestic policy I’ve ever seen, and it makes me so happy.

Luvvie: SERIOUSLY. My heart is swooning right now. I have a mind crush on all of you.

Elisa: I’m pretty happy too. But that doesn’t compute in this America!


My friends are such nerds. This is why they’re my tribe. This is why we go together.

nerd rage gif

My Facebook fam got a hold of this post and added their own nerdery to continue the conversation.

Malaika: We needed the extended warranty for America, but we were too cheap to get it lol

Luvvie: Now we have regrets. ALWAYS GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY

Aleece: Have we tried more duct tape or soaking in rice?

Nikki: My cousin Daryl learned word processing the penitentiary. Maybe he can help.

Charlie: If you find Tech Support, lemme know because this country is about to be a blue screen error code.

Clarice: We need to check if Uncle Sam has a cat. Most of my computer problems stem from one Cheeseball stomping all over the the keyboard which causes all kinds of havoc. I bet there’s a cat somewhere looking very pleased with itself as we all run around in a panic.

Safiya: Tell Elisa, we CANNOT go back to factory settings. LOL

Elisa: GOOD POINT!!!

Safiya: It’s a trick. It really just gives you the “make America great again” virus. LOL

Elisa: Safiya Ah LOL! OMG, you’re right!!!

Ebony: Well, part of the issue was we installed a faulty system onto a motherboard with another operating system on it. It was bound to crash sooner or later. We could only run AV software and patch up so many times

Jessica: It all started with that missing W on the keyboard. Ain’t been right since.

Sherri: Attach a hanger and some foil then bang the side….HARD

April: Did you clear cache? That usually helps.

Jessica: We’re seriously on Dial up with an AOL email address

Janet: The original coders hastily released the documents (Declaration of Independence and Constitution) knowing they had bugs, but wrote in provisions for fixes. The problem is we have no coders willing enough and capable enough to fix said bugs. Thus the current mess.

Nerd proud gif

Spring: We need to defrag, clear out our temp files and unused programs. Restart, and PRAY that works.

Mimi: Ok…who replied to the phishing email?

Des: Perhaps we could get ANONYMOUS to help us get rid of this virus.

Ten: Who installed Vistas ?

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  1. Crys
    March 15, 2016 at 10:54 am — Reply

    Yup, someone needs to uninstall and reinstall the drivers, the screen is twitching. (this happened to me today with my laptop, reminded me so much of America!)

  2. Risée
    March 15, 2016 at 11:18 am — Reply

    “Hello tech support? We installed this thing called ‘Trump’ a few years back, it came with the system update and it looked like a comedy app. But it seems to have been a stealth virus and now we can’t find where the uninstall folder is!”

    • Sylvia Classic
      March 16, 2016 at 11:03 am — Reply

      Whose grandpa was looking at the porn sites and clicked the install button? Everyone knows you don’t trust anything PornTube wants you to install. Dammit, grandpa!

    • March 16, 2016 at 9:50 pm — Reply

      Nah. It was some fool Republicans that did that — Trump actually sent one of those spam emails offering them big bucks if they’d just add him to their friends list or something. But he turned out to be malware that effed the whole damn system up.

  3. Serenity
    March 15, 2016 at 11:51 am — Reply

    Be Happy you have an exit strategy, Luvvie. Many of do not…..

  4. […] the Awesomely Luvvie FB page | The post Hey Tech Support, America’s Loading Slow appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly […]

  5. Shavone
    March 15, 2016 at 4:08 pm — Reply

    It was that new Java update… Dambit

  6. Jamina
    March 15, 2016 at 4:26 pm — Reply


    • Ty
      March 16, 2016 at 8:17 am — Reply

      Exactly get to the program task manager and hit end task

  7. Jenny
    March 15, 2016 at 6:59 pm — Reply

    I’ve got some rabbit ears, tin foil, and pliers. Let’s just go UHF and forget the whole thing!

  8. Diva
    March 15, 2016 at 7:10 pm — Reply

    This is what happens when we constantly skip the updates.
    Can we just close the screen or try another system?
    Damn pop ups.

  9. Sherrika Jones
    March 15, 2016 at 7:59 pm — Reply

    Someone clicked on the link in the email!!!!

    • KayMac
      March 16, 2016 at 10:53 am — Reply

      GAH!!!! Them damn popups!!!

  10. Dee Ivery
    March 15, 2016 at 8:42 pm — Reply

    Do we have an appointment with Apple Genius?

  11. Christie
    March 16, 2016 at 6:38 am — Reply

    You forgot the blue screen of death.

  12. KayMac
    March 16, 2016 at 10:53 am — Reply

    Shared your post with some homies on FB. This was one of the comments:

    These old guys are going to be super pissed when they find out they can’t reinstall Racism 4.0 or Slavery 2.5. “What do they mean all programs are created equal? My programs are clearly superior!” And that’s the point where we pull the plug on your internets so as to keep you from spreading that particular virus online. *womp*


  13. Liv Howard
    March 16, 2016 at 1:12 pm — Reply

    I’m afraid common sense exceeded the number of failed attempts and now we are locked out until we contact the one true administrator.

  14. YvMarie
    March 16, 2016 at 8:08 pm — Reply

    Call the Geek Squad!

  15. March 17, 2016 at 6:16 am — Reply

    America is what happens when you have open source software. It’s been modified so much it looks nothing like the original operating system, Britain (not necessarily a bad thing).

    Although you can’t reinstall Racism 4.0 or Slavery 2.5, someone has definitely introduced a Black Lives are Cheap virus which none of the techies seem able to eradicate completely.

    • Melissa
      March 19, 2016 at 6:22 am — Reply

      I agree with you. The original 3/5 Compromise chip was removed by update Amendments 13, 14 and 15 but the programmers neglected to remove the “racist bullshit” coding from the system and now we’re here.

  16. March 17, 2016 at 9:38 am — Reply

    When did we become a Nerdocracy (Nerdocrazy)? And am I a traitor because my spirit says hallelujah?

    If we’re still on hold with tech support, Jesus is on the main line; can we tell Him what we want? Lol

  17. […] system. Oh, right. Strange times. With news of this DoJ letter, I find myself in agreement with Awesomely Luvvie that the country’s operating system is in drastic need of tech support, perhaps even a […]

  18. Lori
    March 18, 2016 at 12:34 am — Reply

    Damb!!! Ya’ll went FULL IN!! 😂😂😂 Lol!!!

  19. D9
    March 19, 2016 at 11:20 am — Reply

    Turning America Off and Back On !, not a bad idea, lol

    I’m guessing, that’s whats they trying to do with Trump,

    Trump being the “Turning Off America” part in that process

  20. March 20, 2016 at 8:01 pm — Reply

    […] Hey Tech Support, America’s Loading Slow, Awesomely Luvvie. “Maybe there’s a compatibility issue with the last software installed.” Truuuuue. […]

  21. Nicole Demands Quenepas
    June 22, 2016 at 12:41 am — Reply

    Error 404: the Politicians in the House and Senate Actually Worth A Damb cannot be displayed.

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