My Life

Tax Season is My Dementor: Who Needs a Soul and a Savings Account?

Today is tax day. It is also also known as “the day when I’m so unable to CAN that I refuse to CAN and my accountant already knows so she filed an extension for me.” I hate tax season with the intensity of 1,000 papercuts. HATE HATE HATE.

This is me every year after paying my taxes.

Help me poor gif

Ever since I started working for myself full-time (2010), tax season has been the Voldemort in my life. It is my boogeyman. It is the monster in my closet. It is the edges I’m afraid of losing. It’s the thought of flying roaches or giant rats. It petrifies me every year. It is also the only time I wish I had kids already. They’d be great write-offs.

In my W2 life, I got taxes taken out each check. It means I never really SAW the money I was losing, unless I peeped the statement I got. Which, I didn’t. Now in this 1099 life, you get lured into a false sense of baller status, getting every check without anything removed. So every April, IRS shows up talmbout “so run me my coins.” And then you hit a giant *Wall Slide* because just when you thought your savings account was doing something, you get your tax bill.

It is one of those necessary evils. There are few things that are guaranteed in this here life, and that is taxes and death. I know better than to avoid taxes, because we all know that the IRS will get theirs, come hell or high water. They are the ULTIMATE kings of the shakedown. They get theirs against all odds. People have gotten off for heinous crimes like murder, money laundering, and being professional criminals only to be caught up by the IRS for tax evasion and end up behind bars anyway (See: Al Capone).

pay yo taxes gif

SO I KNOW. And I take them seriously. My longtime accountant (who is so dope) knows how much I dread this necessity, because she gets to listen to my whining. She hits me with that “Let me know when you’re in a good mood” text and I immediately slide off the chair I’m sitting on, laying on the ground for a few minutes. Every time.

Last year, I made more money than I ever had. Because: book deal. And brand stuff. I was like YEAHHHH BOYYYYYY. But like the Great Philosopher BIGGIEocrates said: “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” It is a life truth.

I got my tax bill back and I was like “Oh cool. this isn’t bad.” My accountant goes “multiply that by four because what I sent you is how much you will owe quarterly.” I LEGIT hollered. One of those soul wails. Jesus wept with me. I owe HOW MUCH??? IS THAT AMERICAN DOLLARS? TELL ME IT’S PESOS. OR THAI MONEY. Jesu Kristi Olugbala on that cross, what is life? This was me:

lay down gif

You wanna talk about sticker shock? Yo. And yes, she got all my deductions and even still. Here I am. She goes: “But remember the days when you used to be happy because you’d get a little $750 refund? You have come so far! You’ve literally started from the bottom now you’re here.”

For real. She’s right. She has literally seen my glow up in numbers. She remembers the times when what I made TOTAL for the year is what I owe back this year.

Still, that won’t make writing this check easy. Savings account gon be echoing like the Chamber of Secrets.

If y’all need me, I’ll be figuring out how to make my ass clap so I can make some extra coins on the side. “Where’s Luvvie?” “On a pole.” “Why?” “Because taxes.” “Oh I understand. What’s her stage name?” etc etc

IRS BBHMM

Who was it that said “Tax time is the only time Democrats become Republicans?” Accurate!

It’s ok. I’ll pay what I owe as an upstanding citizen who wants to contribute to the greater good. BUT I WILL COMPLAIN THE ENTIRE TIME. Every year. Like clockwork.

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28 Comments

  1. Shay DeShade
    April 18, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    “ass clap”

    I just HOLLERED! LOL!

    “Don’t do it Miss Luvvie! It ain’t worth it!”

  2. Petty Crocker
    April 18, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    I totally understand. Taxes make you wanna holla for a dolla…

  3. RCooper
    April 18, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    This year with my new job, in my highest tax bracket so far, my taxes had me like, well maybe Trump does have a point and we should really hear him out….. Maybe I could just hide all my cash under that orange rug on his head and hope the IRS can’t see ’em. I am looking at my out of work niece and her 4 kids, who will be getting back what I owe and asking myself, did you really need to get that graduate degree? Luvvie gets my struggle!!! I am waiting until the very last minute to drop this check off in the mail because it pains me to part with it. Like Tyga looking at Black Chyna across the table at next year’s Thanksgiving dinner, I feel some type of way about these here taxes!

    • S. P.
      April 18, 2016 at 12:32 pm

      @RCooper – I died laughing. True words. Every last one of them.

    • Caroline
      April 18, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      “Like Tyga looking at Black Chyna across the table at next year’s Thanksgiving dinner” stop.stop.stop. I legit hollered at the visual.

    • Tonia
      April 18, 2016 at 5:29 pm

      @RCooper you and Luvvie have me hollering!!! I too enjoy the money I make from my graduate degree but the IRS is the thorn in my Azz every year! And then I get that reminder from my employer of MY responsibility to file/pay my taxes (which means we will be checking to make sure u filed) thanks for the laugh as I stroke this check!✌🏽️😡😡😡😩😩😩

  4. April 18, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    Oh ok, so it wasn’t just me that thought the amount didn’t look bad only to realize there were FOUR GAHTDAMB vouchers!!!!

    True story: Leslie choked on her lunch when I told her that I was waiting for the Mami strip club to open so I can make the tax coins. This is why we go together!!!!!

    Come wall slide with me. I’m typing this from the floor…

  5. Kim
    April 18, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Oop. I inherited some $ from my dad a few years back.
    PAID more in taxes for two years than I had ever MADE in a regular year. OWE. Socialist democracy tho. Part of living here. Still hurts.

  6. Marie
    April 18, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    I was so proud of myself for getting my taxes done early. I had enough time to come up with the amount I owed (more than ever). Taxes filed, payments scheduled. Done. AND THEN. A rogue 1099-MISC that I was not expecting turned up in my mail, and I had to file tax amendments and pay MORE. That just felt like the most unfairest of them all, and I threw a little tantrum in my mind before I put on my I don’t want to get audited pants and did what I had to do.

  7. April 18, 2016 at 12:50 pm

    The IRS “is the hell and high water.”

    And this:
    Great Philosopher BIGGIEocrates

  8. April 18, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    My husband and I did our taxes jointly this year and it’s the first time I’ve ever considered divorce. He’s an entrepreneur. Which means my would-be refund was credited to him. To which I stomped in the living room like WHAT YOU MEAN I’M NOT GETTING NO REFUND?!

    Legit almost cried.

    • M
      April 18, 2016 at 2:06 pm

      Ain’t that what married filing separately is for? My father tried that mess once. After reviewing the numbers my mom promptly tore the forms in half (this was long before e-filing) and prepared her own for the rest of his life.

      • April 19, 2016 at 9:55 am

        Point is definitely noted and lesson learned!

    • Barbara
      April 18, 2016 at 4:06 pm

      I feel you! That’s why me and my husband file separately! The accountant was like ya’ll still owe….
      Me: Who’s ya’ll? I’m confused….I get a refund EVERY time! That’s why I work for the government!
      He told me that he makes too much money and….did even finish the sentence before I said, his money is my money, my money is my money but during time time, his taxes are his taxes and told him to prepare another return.

      • April 18, 2016 at 7:02 pm

        I’m on the couch laughing my head off because you sound like my husband. His refund disappeared into my owe-age.

  9. Cherie Matlock
    April 18, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    I am cry laughing at this post and yall comments.

  10. S Emm
    April 18, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    Girl!! My parents just cashed in their 401K and moved to the Carib after retiring and the IRS was like word? income…. great, now you owe us an entire entry level yearly salary. I was like wayment, can we write off my dog or nah? because she’s expensive. it sucks. But my parents moved back home to the Carib, so they’re surprisingly unbothered by all this. meanwhile I’m over here trying to figure out what “clubs” are hiring or if there’s ways I can legally become a king pin. SMH…

    • Kenyatta
      April 18, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      If you find that secret box to write off the dog please let a sista know cuz I have four and surely there is some relief for people who got a new puppy and had to buy new shoes and pannies before the puppy learned her place. Thanks in advance

  11. BeOnIt
    April 18, 2016 at 2:23 pm

    I feel you. I legit cursed out loud when I saw my tax bill. And I either have no deductions or have passed the income threshold. My wall slide became a floor side became curled in the fetal position mumbling 7:52. I have to lean mightily on the Lord to remember I’m blessed cuz IRS has snatched my wallet, my edges, my soul, and all the red & pink starburst

  12. Rini
    April 18, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    “Savings account gon be echoing like the Chamber of Secrets.”

    i seriously lol & then snorted @ this. i ALWAYS told my auntie that HP references can be used in every day conversations. thank you for proving my point.

  13. LDC Tax
    April 18, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    #TrueStory #AllofIt #ButILoveyouThough

  14. Quitha
    April 18, 2016 at 10:25 pm

    The IRS said, “and let’s be clear, I am the hell and the high water.” Lmao. Shout out to Papa Pope for that nugget of pure read.

  15. notconvincedgranny
    April 19, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    What is this Savings Account thing of which you speak? Money myth? Urban legend? The rainbow ass end of a unicorn is more common.

  16. Ashley
    April 20, 2016 at 11:13 am

    For the last few years my refund turned into a letter in the mail (two weeks later) stating that my refund went towards student loans.

    Uhm, excurse me (as my student says). that’s MY money and if I choose to pay off student loans that’s MY decision.

    Can someone help me? Figure out how to not let that happen or how to change it, something? Thanks in advance.

    Oh, and this year? I owe one damn dollar and almost fell out my chair. Are they serious? One dollar? There should be a minimum owe-age amount that must be paid and anything under $10 you should be able to keep.

    I know that’s not a lot of money but for real? You want me to write you a check (or buy a money order) for ONE DAMN DOLLAR?

    In my Kain Carter (aka Youtube’s Hotdamnirock) voice “you bunch of motherfuckers”

  17. April 20, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Harriet Tubman on the $20 AND Ri-Ri on the $100?!?
    That’s progress!

  18. April 20, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    The simple fact that I started a new career path and that I have gone in 12 months from making probably $50K total in the past TEN years to making $52K THIS year… and I’m a 1099 employee, basically working for myself???
    Next year, imma be on the floor JUST LIKE YOU!!!

  19. Jojo
    April 21, 2016 at 3:42 am

    Girl, I feel you on this so hard. I have no kids and very few deductions and I moved up a tax bracket this year and I live in NYC. The Feds had pity on me and gave me a small refund but NYS was like, “Girl, quit playing and send me three figures,” to which I promptly send a money order. Like the sage Big Worm said, “Three things I don’t mess with: the I, the R and the S.”

  20. Maxine Shaw, attorney-at-LOL
    April 26, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    I had a time when I was going through some SERIOUS troubles. Was living off my credit cards and making minimum payments until the bank called me a liability and cut me off. Did I mention I was actually making the payments? Charge ’em off, I sez. To hell with it.

    How ’bout the IRS considers charged off debt to be INCOME? I had to pay taxes on the money I couldn’t afford to pay to begin with! Talmbout a wall slide? A floor slide? Sheeeeeeeeet, I almost did a off-the-balcony slide!!!!