Day 1 of Republican National Convention Was An Assemblage of Supreme Fuckshit
Y’all, what in the lowest realm of hell is wrong with the leadership of the Republican National Convention? And how did they manage to start it off so wrong that I’m already tired of their shit? You can’t even make any of this shit up. The fuckery that has already ensued could not have been written by the best comedic writers of our time.
The Fuckshit Headquarters of the World
It’s actually tragic because while we’re waiting to see Ashton Kutcher pop up from behind a dumpster whole rocking a Von Dutch Trucker Hat, these shitgibbons are actually running this country, and their Overlord, the Tangerine Douchecanoe is threatening to open the gates of hell if he becomes President.
IT WAS JUST DAY 1, y’all. DAY GAHTDAMN ONE and things have already hit the fan. I could have written 5 separate posts about the highlights of the lowlights but I decided to do a round-up instead, of 5 of the craziest, most mind-numbing, “We are all in trouble” moments. My sympathies to all the Republicans who have enough sense to be embarrassed right now. The three of you are in my thoughts.
Chaos on the Floor
This drama is like Game of Thrones, politics edition, already. And we watched people try to prevent the Mad King from taking the Iron Throne. The people of Westeros lost their minds, chanting for a roll call vote. But Squad Targaryen basically used their podium power to ignore them. What I mean is, when the #NeverTrump folks started chanting “NO” they were shut down by the folks with the gavel, talmbout “the Ayes have it.”
“In the opinion of the chair, the ayes have it.” Like hell they do. This is insane. This video is the “no’s.” pic.twitter.com/SwqYAPqJWz
— AnonymousDelegate (@UnknownDelegate) July 18, 2016
The delegation from Colorado ended up walking out, they had to shut down comments on the chat system from anti-Semites and racists using slurs, and at one point, media was escorted off the floor. MEDIA. The folks credentialed to tell us what is happening from there.
They Went Full Racist
The men at the top of the GOP food chain have gone straight white hoods. Their racism is officially KKK-style and it’s fascinating because when did it become okay to be this boldly racist? Since when the nincompoop running for the highest office of the land made it okay to be so.
Rudy Guiliani got on the podium and said: “The only one who understands what Muslim terrorists shout before attacks is Obama!” Why? Because he is insane and he has lost his rabid ass racist ass raggedy ass mind. Who says that???
And then Iowa representative Steve King had an interview on MSNBC where he said: “I’d ask you to go back through history and figure out, where have these contributions been made by these other categories of people that you’re talking about? Where did any other sub-group of people contribute more to civilization?”
*jaw drop* WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH THIS RAGING ASSHAT? He called other folks “sub-groups” yo. I can’t. If we BLAXIT, the only thing that’ll be left that white people “contributed” would be mayonnaise and country music.
Seriously. The Republicans have officially become the KKK. This is both appalling and telling of where we are right now. White men are desperate because they’re losing power and numbers, and this is their Hail Mary. Go full on white supremacist to try to save what’s left of your broken ego.
The Terrible Benediction
The Republicans made sure to trot out as many Black folks as they knew. All FOUR of their Black friends were in the building, including “Pastor” Mark Burns from South Carolina. He was the one who was charged with giving the benediction. Amy Sullivan did us all the solid of transcribing it and as a lifelong Christian, I cringed as I watched the video of Uncle Ruckus.
1/ I’ve heard a lot of prayers by religious leaders of different faiths at RNCs & DNCs. But nothing like this. pic.twitter.com/RYfpn58TNi
— Amy Sullivan (@sullivanamy) July 18, 2016
Some prayers seem to be more like curses, and this man has claimed that the enemy is Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party. No, numbnut. Your enemy is common sense and decency. And then he straight up lies that “we are grateful for the life of Donald Trump.” Sir, who is WE and was this sentiment voted on? Because I would like to call eternal bullshit on that.
And then he talked about the “conservative party under God.” I’m pretty sure that God is now offended and angry about that slander. Jesus probably flipped a table like “Don’t lie on my daddy!”
These pignuts can’t even do right in prayer. Even their appeals to God are full of rubbish.
Melania’s Trump Stolen Speech
And then Donald Trump the Dim-witted came on to introduce his wife, Melania Trump. And she did her best and read the teleprompter really well and people applauded her. But the entire time, I was wondering where her off switch is, because I’m still not convinced she’s not a robot.
As her speech ended, some folks realized that parts of it sounded a bit familiar. That’s because we had heard it before, since chunks were lifted from Michelle Obama’s speech 8 years ago at the DNC where Senator Barack Obama officially accepted his nomination for President.
Like… of course this surprised no one, because the Trumps are now synonymous with trash, shortcuts and dishonesty. They couldn’t have integrity if it jumped into their pool and drained it and set up a picnic. Having rectitude and moral fortitude is their kryptonite, so of course Melania would plagiarize and steal her words from the sitting First Lady.
Just because it’s not surprising doesn’t mean she won’t get these jokes. And because we’re living in satire, part of her speech was from a song of Rick Astley’s. She literally said “He will never, ever give up. He will never ever let you down.” LMAO! I must say, y’all. Her speechwriter must have been an undercover Democrat, who infiltrated the GOP lair to avenge us all. And to laugh himself silly. Because how, Sway? Not only that, before the convention, Melania insisted that she wrote her own speech with “as little help as possible.” Oh? Then what do you call this?
WHY YOU LYING? People don’t realize that the theme of this week is RECEIPTS. Everybody got em. Kim Kardashian pulled out hers for Taylor and now Melania’s plagiarism on this final paper is on front street.
She was probably about to be like “When I grew up on the Southside of Chicago… wait. No. That’s not the part I was supposed to say.” Bless her heart, though, because this mess is what kicked off the #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes hashtag, which was the gift that kept on giving on Twitter.
And to top all that off, it was announced that Omarosa has been hired to be Trump’s Director of African American Outreach. That’s like being President of the George W. Bush Genius Club. It does not compute nor does it make sense. How is your dumb ass gon hire a woman that Black people don’t even like to get Black people to like him? Everything is stupid and nothing makes sense.
Oh and Scott Baio and Anthony Sabato Jr. spoke? WHO? Right. It truly was an assemblage of supreme fuckshit.
I’m fully expecting Satan himself to be standing on the podium come Thursday, next to #TrumpPence. This Convention is going to turn into Lord of the Flies and someone is gonna get thrown off a cliff as they blow a conch.
It was only day 1, y’all. WHYYYY????
It is time to write that book. Come into The Book Academy and learn how to go from IDEA to INK.
Related Posts
83 Comments
THANK YOU, LUVVIE for this recap…er…article. I will let it speak for itself. PS – someone already made a RICKROLL (Rick Astley) video with what happened last night – too funny!
Um, they can’t have country music if we #Blaxit. WE created that. They can still have Gregorian chants. But I will contribute one used Milli Vanilli tape for them, no charge.
so true. plus the best country song of the last decade was dropped by none other than beyonce knowles carter, greatest witch of her age.
this RNC business is unbelievable. super entertaining and absolutely terrifying at the same time.
Yes! So much truth here!
Milli Vanilli got some jams though (I still crank up Girl You Know It’s True in the car…don’t judge me).
Instead leave them one of those Kidz Bop CDs where they do cover versions of hip-hop songs.
I was gonna say, we don’t get to claim country music for white folks. Hell, we don’t even get to claim Klezmer for Jews since it’s jazz derived. Folk music maybe, like Peter Paul and Mary style folk?
Yes, indeed. Country music is coming with us because country music is just the blues sung in a twang, and accompanied by a banjo and a fiddle, thank you.
And the banjo is an African instrument! TOOKEN!
Is it wrong that I know the work of Baio (Chachi) and Sabato (Jagger)?
No, you are not wrong, they are.
Right! I was like is that Jagger?? He needs to go find Karen and STFU!! haha!
Nope. I loved both Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi.
I was also a fan of GH when Sabato was on.
They’ve been staunch Republican supporters for years.
It is what it is.
Did uou see how Baio got his ass handed to him by Tamron Hall the other day on live TV ?!? Lol I had to watch it twice.
I couldn’t pick out what part of your article I loved the most! It was ALL gold!
However I do have one correction: If we BLAXIT, the only thing that’ll be left that white people “contributed” would be mayonnaise and country music. CORRECTION AwesomelyLuvvie…Country music has it’s basis in the black culture also…so, even though we don’t really want it, we should take it with us anyways. Why? Because we petty as sh*t! AND, we taking mayonnaise, no potato salad for you!
Please do take the mayonnaise! lolz. But you can’t take haggis away from us.
We’ll gladly let you keep haggis! LOL!
Long time lurker, first time poster. I was watching that mess with my husband last night and when Melania said your word is your bond…I went – wait hold up. She don’t know anything about that. We been saying word is bond out here in these black streets. Low and behold, it I now know. It came directly from Michelle. I keep reading about alleged plagiarism. Say what now? Blatant theft, just disgusting.
OMG, Uncle Ruckus killed me ded, official.
Guh, I couldn’t watch it straight through–just peeked in and out here and there because it was such a disturbing scene. Who are the people who find this inspiring? It didn’t feel real.
I never could figure out how Hitler came into such power….now I know! He had dumb ass people backing him like stumpy, orange haired wig flapping trump, with the white bags under his eyes and yellow/orange/red skin. Seriously…how can a man that can’t even handle his own life run this country? Am I the only one who knows of the multiple marriages to…wait for it….FOREIGN women (this is the man that wants to deport immigrants), where would he send Ivanna or Milenia back to? Is this the same man who committed adultery with Ms Maples and spawned that blow up doll daughter that he is embarrassed to claim? The same man that had a ugly, nasty divorce that played out in New York…did everyone forget that?
The same man that is a slumlord and forced hundreds to find new housing so he could buy their buildings? The same man who filed bankruptcy causing thousand to lose jobs in Atlantic City? Maybe I am thinking of a different donald trump????? Not…….
Stacey Dash, Amarosa, Sheriff Clarke, it must be sad to be white people with black skin
Love your post.
“Milenia” LOL
Saw somebody on twitter calling her Melanoma earlier. Folks got no chill.
Don’t forget the same one who called the Central Park Five guilty and should be executed. Yep. Same one.
You had me at “what in the lowest realm of hell.” Just had to put that out there. Now let me go read the article.
God doesn’t need to give Trump the words, he already has all the best words, remember? Do your homework, Pastor Burns.
Can you imagine all the right wing nuts if Michelle had been accused of plagarism?! We’d NEVER hear the end of it. Ugh.
I was thinking the same thing!
You didn’t mention the black sheriff who defended the cops in Freddie Gray’s death in his “Blue Lives Matters” speech. As anyone with a conscience will admit, the murders of the police in Dallas and Baton Rouge were wrong, wrong, wrong. But to act like there have not been documented and undocumented “murders by cop” across the nation???? Man, bye! Why do we have to try so hard to be accepted by people who aint thinking about us? When we Blaxit, leave all them Ruckuses here! (They’ll be hanging on by their fingernails tryna stay anyway.)
Their rashy asses will try to come along because they’ll be kicked out – then at the first sign of any trouble they will turn into Dathan and try to lead us back into slavery. The weak will follow him, Massa will throw ’em a piece kibble and voila! See how that works? The weak and wimpy will go back, forgotten forever, and the strong can carry on without toting those whiny balls of water.
And the first time THEY turn on em, they’ll be expecting us to come to their rescue, and be tryna sing “We Shall Overcome” all offkey and swaying all funky. Cause we takin all the music and rhythm with us.
Nope, nope, nope! They gonna have to stay here and take their licks for being sooooo stoopid!
The part that got to me was Rudy Giuliani’s speech. Not the crazy parts, the comment about sympathy for the families of victims of police shootings, “some justified, some unjustified” …. and the audience went dead silent. In Cleveland, no less. They can’t even agree that it’s OK to feel bad for Tamir Rice’s family? Fuck those assholes.
No love for Giuliani here, either, but at least the guy had the sense to try not being an asshole about it.
‘That’s like being President of the George W. Bush Genius Club”..yooo, I literally spit out my water!! Love it!
Jesus flipped the table, Don’t lie on my daddy! I am soooo dead hahahaha!
That’s where I busted out laughing too. But is it wrong that I was feeling the same way -LOL why they lying on the Lord?!!
Oh, and Guiliani talmbout “What happened to the time when there was no White America or Black America, just America?” Bruh, when was that? I aint never lived it or heard tell if it.
I know, right!!!???!! I said the same thing!
Then I was looking at Guiliani and actually said out loud, “Damn, so that’s what satan looks like up close. Eewww.”
You heard of it. It was called Native American and Mexican America!
When “America” meant white folks and they didn’t have to specify, because everyone knew no one else counted as a real American. That’s what he meant, right?
Yooooo! Somebody PLEASE pass me the conch so I can tell Rumple-Haired McLiarPants about himself and the coonery that he’s brought about. I’ve been voting since I was seventeen years old, and NEVER have I been more determined about casting a ballot than I am in this election. The blatant racism, definite plaigarism, and outright lying are beyond #TewMuch. The country is in an uproar over this foolishness, and the staunch “black republicans” supporting it all make me want to throw up in my mouth. A lot.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be helping Mother Cicely Tyson pack her finest undergarments as we prepare for #BLAXIT.
I don’t even think Satan could have dreamed up this foolishness…he sitting back stage like Urkel…”did I do that?”
As well, uhm…did the RNC never read a Roberts Rules of Order? Baby…I have heard more “Ayes” in a Lyfe Jennings song then in that whole arena.
I am so here for this! “I have heard more “Ayes” in a Lyfe Jennings song then in that whole arena.”
Satan “sitting back stage like Urkel…”did I do that?”
This gives my life!!!
Gahtdambit!!!!!! I will NOT be left behind with these assclowns when the #Blaxit goes down!!! I will NOT!!! I will pitch a fit the likes of which you’ve never seen!!! You will have to take me because it will be too embarrassing to leave my grown ass on the floor screaming, crying, etc!!! I’ll burn this bitch down if you make me stay!!!!
I am officially unable to can. iCan’t! Denise, I’m about to fall out of my chair at work laughing at this.
I can’t with you, Denise! I AM CACKLING!!!!
#icant. I just can’t with you, Denise- you just almost cost me a good potato & cheese pierogi with your comment and that summagoat was expensive 🙂
Read “Uncle Ruckus” and spit Pepsi all over my iPad!
Love your writing!!!
It like a more racist, misogynistic, homophobic version of Michael Scott from the office is running for president.
And that is saying a WHOLE lot. When you watch something “in real life” that makes you cringe more than Michael Scott, that is crazy!
LOL! That is a PERFECT description. Michael Scott from The Office was THEE dumbest mofo on television. ROFL!
My first time reading your blog, but not my last. I would also hear your take on Sheriff Tom, because I wanted to jump thru my TV screen and whip his blue ass black. But, we do have Ben “I don’t remember running for President” Carson up tonight, so I look forward to your comments tomorrow.
Per Wikipedia (because I had to look him up and I CITE MY SOURCES, MELANIA):
“Antonio Sabàto Jr. is an American actor, Stripper, Republican Party thought-leader, and underwear ‘model’.”
I mean. “thought-leader” in there with “Stripper” (capital ‘S’, yo).
Ok, I can’t even type “thought-leader” with a straight face.
dafuque is a thought leader?
I’ve seen Antonio on several programs before. Thought does not seem to be his strong suit.
But what’s sad is that I haven’t even read this post because I CAN NOT get past the “Assemblage of Supreme Fuckshit” as the title. Girl. I’m done with you! LMAOOOO!!!
First of all, thank you for watching that hot mess. I can’t, I just can’t
Luvvie the real MVP for that alone.
“People don’t realize that the theme of this week is RECEIPTS. Everybody got em. Kim Kardashian pulled out hers for Taylor and now Melania’s plagiarism on this final paper is on front street.” Dy. Ing. Thank you as ever Luvvie
Yo….
This election is scary, terrifying and hilarious all at once.This post was EVERYTHING. I’mma get my popcorn and wine and be ‘ret TONIGHT for the debauchery!
This drama is like Game of Thrones, politics edition, already. And we watched people try to prevent the Mad King from taking the Iron Throne. The people of Westeros lost their minds, chanting for a roll call vote. But Squad Targaryen basically used their podium power to ignore them. Bwahahahahah! I’m so glad I speak GoT, no translation needed. I died but get me my life back, if only for the rest of this tomfoolery.
At the end of the convention, I expect them to break out in a spirited rendition of “We Shall Overcomb”*.
*borrowed from another post. I’m not quite that clever.
And so…I think it goes without saying (which is why I’m typing it, lol), that we must now add AWL of the fools at the republican convention to the list of new citizens in the Land of Abandoned People that Luvvie started before.
That includes the Orange Overlord Hitler, Jr., his plagiarizing foreign wife (will he build a wall around her, too?), satan guiliani and all four of the token Black-in-Skin-Only Uncle Ruckus wanna-be folks they trotted out as if to say, “Here’s our collective Black Friend.”
All that was missing was Stephen from Django. But I guess he was still mourning Monsieur Candy’s death. :o\
Great job Luvvie! What gets me are the D-List talent they had on like Sabado jr ( an ex underwear model) and played out Scott Baio and Ralph Macchio. Real RNC ballers would not be caught dead at that convention, so they have to call in the skeleton crew.
Yes! This post was totally on point! Day 1 of the convention was truly like The Gong Show: Satan Take The Wheel/Racists R We Edition.
What a shit show–literally (now that we know tons of delegates were taken away with explosive diarrhea & vomiting.)
I keep saying to myself, “How can it get worse??” I guess I’ll have to tune in tonight to find out.
The political blogs where I hang out went CRAZY yesterday afternoon, grabbing tweets and stories about the insanity happening on the convention floor. I promised myself that I would only follow it on twitter, and the evening did not disappoint. I was on my way to bed when I read the first tweet on Facebook about FLOTUS being plagiarized. Got OUT of bed to get to the computer to see what was up…went to bed after an hour.
Wake up this morning, to see that the Republic of Michelle Obama has GONE OFF on twitter, not letting anyone weasel Melania or the Campaign of Ferret Head off the hook.
I am glad that I was home today, because I would have gotten no work done…
today has been HILARIOUS.
We are taking mayonnaise, too!!! According to Wikiedia it has origins in Spain and . . . well, brown! It’s coming with us!!! And country music is just the stolen version of the freedom songs from slavery. BLAXIT!!!
By the way, did we already take sunshine? They don’t need it because their skin doesn’t hold up well anyway and ours was made for it.
From here on out, Melania is milli (vanilli) trump to me
If you squint, you will see Satan standing beside Trump on Thursday. How the hell else can you explain Trump’s rise to the head of the Republican Party except that he sold his soul to the Devil?
P.S. This was a great post by the way. You are so right when you say that the Republican Party is a straight up White Supremacist organization. Has any Republican Leader called out Rep King on his racist comment? Anyone?
Er — that bit about Omarosa. Is that for real? Because I can no longer tell the difference between reality, nightmare, and satire.
Yep. True.
Love it! Can’t wait for the book.
My daughter just said that country music is derived from rock and roll which was created by BLACK PEOPLE. Sooooo, if we Blaxit, all that will be left of their contributions will mayonnaise, oh and she said “and hate”. Yup that’s ALL their contributions. Ima try to figure out how mayo ain’t theirs either. You know what? WE’RE TAKING IT!!!! Leave them with NUTHIN but their hate!!
Luvie,
You had me @ “The Fuckshit Headquarters of the World”
I think I heard April Ryan say Hold My Mule.
She was about to go in on Sen. King.
I can’t believe how crazy this mess has gotten.
If y’all BLAXIT, this white girl is willing to trade her love of banjos in order to go with you. Get me out of here, PLEASE!
I know Janet Jackson is looking at Antonio like, “I MADE you, motherfucker!!!”
Yes….Antonio most certainly was in her Love Will Never Do video looking fine AF. Who would ever guess back then that he was such a world class douche?!
Antonio AND Djimon Hounsou. God bless Rhythm Nation.
I just spat coffee all over my computer. BRILLIANT!!
As a Canadian, I am begging you all to get out and vote for Hilary. Please. Don’t do it for your country, do it for mine – it is scary living next to you guys lately!!! Good God, the convention is like a live action horror movie!!! Complete with D-listers. Y’all cannot let President Obama be replaced by this orange nightmare and his KKK crew.
Yes, we laugh a bit (actually, we even honk and snort and sometimes spit out whatever we’re eating or drinking when we read this blog). But let me tell you one thing. I just [literally] shudder to think this monster could be the next president of your country. This is every sort of wrong plus a ton more shitfuckery we can’t even have nightmares about.
The world is pretty fucked up already. Take it from a gay Hispanic living in Brazil partnered to a Black guy. I’ve seen a couple of things.
Don’t let this happen!!!
” If we BLAXIT, the only thing that’ll be left that white people “contributed” would be mayonnaise and country music.”
Nope. Country Music was birthed from the Blues. We’re taking that too.