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I Have Questions About the 2016 VMAs: My Recap

For those of you who were born after 1998, get off my lawn you might not know that MTV actually stands for Music Television. And these things called VMAs stand for Video Music Awards. You are welcome for that drop of knowledge. Please leave now because I can’t believe that you were born after Lauryn Hill dropped Miseducation.

This is relevant because there was a time when I had MTV programmed in my TV as one of my favorite channels. Between Real World episodes and TRL and that summer when they gave Sisqo his own dance show and I watched it religiously. Now, there’s a lot of non-music shows on there and I haven’t watched the channel in years. Related: I don’t listen to the radio so when I was told the VMAs was last night, I was shocked. I had heard nothing about it.

mtv-vma-nyc-msg-2016-1

That is when I realized that I’ve aged out completely. I knew I would not know 87.4% of the people presenting or up for awards. I watched anyway, because FOMO (fear of missing out) is real and peer pressure is a thing.

Also, I felt like talmbout people. So I saw the first 2 hours and tapped out after Britney Spear’s “performance.” I have a bunch of questions about the show so let’s get into it.

* Did God just hit copy + paste on Jay-Z’s face to make Blue’s? LAWDT she looks just like her doggone daddeh. That little precious, adorable one. He spit her out, ain’t he?

Blue Ivy VMAs

And some folks keep saying Beyoncé was getting her together on the white carpet. NAWL. I think she was checking on her. All those cameras and people yelling. I’d wanna run away NOW, let alone if I was 4 years old.

* Why was Cassie dressed like a post-apocalyptic robot? She really does try to be edgy against all odds.

* Was Rihanna bored by her own opening performance? Because she sure looked it and I surely was. She threw on her “Pon de Replay” high ponytail and performed with a set that looked like what I imagine Cam’ron’s house does. It was so bubblegum pink.

Rihanna VMAs 2

* Why was everyone HOLLERING? All the hosts and correspondents kept screaming into the mics, like they didn’t do soundcheck. I wanted folks to use their inside voice so bad. The producers musta said “give us energy” and they heard “scream every line.” Nicole Byers had me ready to turn down my whole TV because every time she was on screen, I wanted to say “sis. Please bring it down 4 notches.” And Jay Pharaoh was acting like if he wasn’t being loud, they might fire him before the show was over.

* How adorable is Chance the Rapper? He showed up in overalls, looking like a character from “Arthur.” Or the Black Mario Brother. He is so freaking cute!

Chance Rapper 1 Chance Rapper 2

I LOVE HIM!

* What happened to Key and Peele’s funny? Them hosting the show in character as Twitter-obsessed folks had potential to be funny but it had me blank-staring my TV for most of the night.

* Did Alicia Keys volunteer as tribute? Was she gonna be representing District 9? I wanted her to spin around to see if her dress would start flaming on the bottom. I love her, doe. And this commitment to no makeup. I, AT LEAST, need my red lip. I can go makeup-less otherwise.

* Did Ariana Grande’s stylists sign an unbreakable oath that forbids them from letting her do anything but a long ponytail? I just wanna see her rock another look. Related: why does she always look like she’s playing in someone else’s clothes? Maybe it’s because they want her to be sexy but she’s just too adorable and I wanna say “aawwww” instead.

Ariana Grande

* Why won’t Future finish chewing whatever is in his mouth? When he was performing, I kept wondering why he wouldn’t finish words. ENUNCIATE, my dude. The only thing I understood was his reiteration of “100,000.” This is why I do not listen to the radio. I don’t have time to be solving the riddles of your lyrics. Also, why was he rocking at least 5 different shades of red? He looked like a Twizzler that was spoiling.

* Why didn’t Kim Kardashian let her hair finish drying before she left the house? It was a stringy mess, which I think was on purpose.

Kanye Kim

* Why, Kanye? Just why? That man got on stage and embarrassed me, like I was the one who came with him and gotta explain to people why he ain’t got no behavior. He stood on that VMAs stage and ranted about I DON’T EVEN KNOW for a good five minutes. You could see that his brain goes way faster than his mouth can keep up so he jumps from topic to topic without any link.

This is also why he shouldn’t do shit unscripted. It makes him look like the poster child for ADHD. And then he kept on saying “Bro. BRO. Bruh.” And everyone in the audience (but Kim) had permanent WTF looks on their faces. Sandman Sam was a valuable member of society. He needed to get on that stage to pull Kanye off it.

Kanye West apologists are gonna write 1,200 word essays on “How genius he is” and to them, I say a hearty “STOP.”

* Why is Kanye still so obsessed with Amber Rose? The man STAYS with her name in his mouth and it should be appalling to Kim.

WTF Kanye

Someone who cannot stop talking about his ex might still be in love with her. When he name-checked her and the camera panned to her, she kept her best “This fucknugget” poker face on. I love her. Meanwhile, Kim is in her seat clapping like a dizzy seal, not realizing that her husband is a fuckboi.

* Was Teyana Taylor one of the top three winners of the night? Yes she was. Kanye’s “FADE” video starred her in this cropped top and thong as she danced the gym away. And people everywhere watched mouth agape as the closest thing to a perfect body made us all realize that we need to get into the gym and work out intensely. But then, most folks still can’t get that body because that is straight genetics.

Teyana Taylor FADE

Teyana has a 9 month old baby, y’all. That body is God’s gift. So thanks, Kanye. I don’t know what the video is about but watching her was a gift. If I had that girl’s body, I would be a terror and I would not be a good person. Jesus be knowing.

And now, magazines with white staff are wondering who this woman is. She ain’t “new” and she isn’t just being “discovered.” Ol’ Columbus asses. Just because you just found out about the existence of something or someone doesn’t mean it’s new. UGH.

TEYANA BEEN ON! Get familiar!

* Why was Rihanna’s 2nd set the party we all wanna attend?

Rihanna: I want 200 of my friends on stage with me dutty wining
MTV: But how will we make that work?
Ri: Figure it out.

And they did. It was so lit! And she had on a durag with a train. Her Blackness is 2Legit2Quit.

Rihanna Twerk VMAs

* WHY IS BEYONCE TRYING TO RECRUIT ME INTO THE BEYHIVE? Who do I send my membership dues? That performance of hers was magnificent for so many reasons. I was like “oh so she just gon make me fall in love with her like this.”

From beginning to end, she gave stunning visuals and the statements she made with them gave me goosebumps. Like when people were falling around her, after what sounded like gunshots, covered in red light. And a hooded Black man stood behind her, like an angel.

Beyonce performance VMAs

That shit made me wanna cry.

And then she turned around and gave us yansh. Her ass was jiggling like the perfect jello mold and I was all “God bless her.” She ended her performance by forming the woman symbol with her dancers. It was glorious and you cannot deny that she is the best entertainer alive right now. If you do, you’re a professional hater.

She basically put on a full LEMONADE concert and I wondered why MTV didn’t just end the show there. Nothing else after was relevant. Closing credits shoulda rolled and we could have all gotten to bed much earlier.

But no. They still had more, because Britney Spears was next.

* Why didn’t Britney Spears say she came down with a sudden bout of nausea and bow out her performance? MTV making her perform after Bey is shade. Total eclipse. Honestly, all I was expecting from Brit was that she would make sure her lips always matched the track that’s playing. If she did that, I’d say she done good. But she barely even.

Britney Spears VMA

She ain’t even attempt to hit ONE live note and her little gyrating in a green onesie made me wanna clap with pity. You don’t wear a onesie right after the Queen. You’ll play yourself.

Watching Britney perform after Beyonce is like watching a kiddie recital after you see the Alvin Ailey dancers. It’s cute but… nah.

I was done with the show at this point because it had been 2 hours and I wanted to go do something else. According to the internet, I missed out on some massive roast when Drake gave Rihanna her Vanguard award.

So I found the clip.

* Why is Drake the definition of the friend zone? Drake proclaimed that he’s been in love with Rihanna since he was 22. And the hug he got on TV was the “Bless your heart” church hug. And the entire world went “aawwww. Drake.”

Rihanna Drake Curve VMAs

He laid it all on the line and was peak vulnerable and Rihanna laughed and patted his head.

But yeah. Dassit. Congrats to all the award winners. I don’t know them. Besides Bey and Rihanna.


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20 Comments

  1. Tanya Link
    August 29, 2016 at 1:09 pm — Reply

    Luvvie! Your recap is on point. You perfectly summed up most of the thoughts going through my head while watching the show. I died when you said Kim K was clapping after her hubby was speaking, “… like a dizzy seal, not realizing that her husband is a fuckboi.”. Hollered. I was wondering why her mouth was open the whole time? What is wrong with her? Chance the Rapper was definitely giving me Super Mario (the Black Version) Vibes. Who is his stylist? IJS.

  2. FixItJesus
    August 29, 2016 at 1:09 pm — Reply

    I think ariana said years ago she wore it in a ponytail because it was damaged from all the red dye she use to do for the nickelodeon show. Buy damn that was years ago. She done had time to shave it off and start over several times now.

  3. Berlena
    August 29, 2016 at 1:15 pm — Reply

    Kim is in her seat clapping like a dizzy seal, I cannot continue. Luvvie, Luvvie Luvvie.

  4. HauteForYou
    August 29, 2016 at 1:23 pm — Reply

    I wanna know why Rihanna be acting coy when they ended up partying the whole night together! She ain’t got nan problem rubbing her yansh on Drake when they’re on stage but can’t fathom a peck on the lips. Alright, gworl. I don’t know why I’m so thirsty to see them together… I just think his corniness would be good for her. Dassall.

  5. B
    August 29, 2016 at 1:26 pm — Reply

    Poor Britney was not sharp as she used to be. At one point of her performance I think she took a while to find that guy’s crotch. All of Rihanna’s performances bored me to tears with the exception of the last one. The way she was twitching and singing live, bro, lmao she was really feeling it!

  6. TheItGyrl
    August 29, 2016 at 1:37 pm — Reply

    I want Drake-Anna, ChampagnePap-Rih, to be a thing SO bad. I can’t even explain why. Ever since their first video together, I thought “If I can’t have him, SHE should.” Of course, I’m still QUITE available for Zaddy.

  7. milaxx
    August 29, 2016 at 2:04 pm — Reply

    Poor Brit, Brit. They should have put her on after Ariana. Then we could have said, “Good for her!” and been okay with her 1999 era performance.

  8. Mrs. M
    August 29, 2016 at 2:40 pm — Reply

    Steve jobs, people killed,fun, Anna Wintour, and all the Bro’s ……….. kanye west don kolo shikenan.

  9. Tina
    August 29, 2016 at 2:43 pm — Reply

    I didn’t even watch it cause I don’t know these people for the most part but I did watch some video recaps today. Bey SLAYED and so did RiRi – LOVED them!! As you said Brit was a MAJOR disappointment, I was hoping for better and all over the interwebs today people be saying she slayed…no, no she did not and why is her shape so damb square?? She looked like sponge Bob #JustSayin
    Can we all get together and write letters about Kanye having open mic time?? I mean… he was so all over the place I got an actual headache. He had 4 minutes but took 7 – did this surprise anyone?? #GoHomeAndStayHomeBruh
    I do love Amber Rose tho – girlfriend always looks good and has zero fuck to give.
    I live your recap Luvvie – I live for them always, you give me life gurl.

  10. A. Renee
    August 29, 2016 at 2:50 pm — Reply

    This recap was like a conversation with one of my good girlfriends. I would say that I like this performance of Lemonade live than I did the visual. Sadly the audience who were predominantly white still wont get it, the audience at home wasn’t the right audience to see it. Poor Drake, that whole things was anyone’s worst fears when they are in the friend zone. The day you confess your love and they just give you a pat on the back lmao

  11. Shannyn
    August 29, 2016 at 3:48 pm — Reply

    This “And now, magazines with white staff are wondering who this woman is. She ain’t “new” and she isn’t just being “discovered.” Ol’ Columbus asses. Just because you just found out about the existence of something or someone doesn’t mean it’s new. UGH.

    TEYANA BEEN ON! Get familiar!”

    Columbus asses hahahahhahahahah

  12. Jess
    August 29, 2016 at 4:25 pm — Reply

    Drake will forever be in the friend zone. He is Jorah to her Khaleesi.

  13. Gee
    August 29, 2016 at 4:25 pm — Reply

    Well, Britty been in the gym, but she ain’t have a friend nowhere in Madison Square yesterday. God don’t like ugly, but hitting the stage after Beyonsay was just WRONG! Somebody out for BRITNEY! My Dr. woulda hooked her up with a note excusing her. She went up in flames, slipping away in lemonade.

  14. Victoria
    August 29, 2016 at 7:48 pm — Reply

    I don’t know. I really think Bey was gathering Blue. I’ve been on the receiving end of that whispered reprimand and given it. The look on Blue’s face was like “I can’t wait til I can get my own plane and leave here.”

    Brittney has been dancing like a board ironed with Faultess Starch from the beginning. She’s never hit her cues and her lip syncing was always the worst. That being said, I give her props for convincing her Stans (the “Girl, I Guesses”) buying her tickets.

    • MissKris
      August 30, 2016 at 10:10 am — Reply

      You said “…Faultless starch”!!!!!! Rotflmfao 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 welp, I’m done, goodbye💀💀💀

    • Kymberli
      September 2, 2016 at 1:39 pm — Reply

      I DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your recap of Luvvie’s recap has my head down at my desk!!!! I can’t let them see me fall out like this Lord!!

  15. Choc
    August 30, 2016 at 11:49 am — Reply

    “Ol’ Columbus asses” is right! White people always post-discovering some shit. Go sit y’all tardy, plagiarizing asses down somewhere.

    Kanye, please just staaap it. You my sir, are a lunatic. And your wife is an opportunistic simpleton.

    Speaking of Kim, she looked like a sweaty ho exiting a club early on a Sunday morning after doing God knows what with God knows who. Ol’ walk of shame looking ass.

    To recap: White people, you ain’t found shit. Kanye, shut the hell up. Kim, take a shower.

  16. August 30, 2016 at 4:59 pm — Reply

    Hello! White person here…I have to admit I’ve never heard of this Teyana Taylor before, but I’m sure glad I stumbled upon your blog because OH MY GOD THAT WOMAN!!! soooo fine.

    I read in another VMA recap on The Ringer (i think they have white writers, but not just white writers) that she’s with Iman Shumpert. The dude with the awesome ‘do that just won a ring with LeBron. Yeah, he’s winning at life.

    Anyway, as Jennifer Lawrence once said, Beyonce is queen of the world. Kudos to her for keeping MTV relevant.

    • Mo
      September 1, 2016 at 10:36 am — Reply

      Ha, It’s crazy that people don’t know Teyana. I’m realizing that she really is just prominent and known in the black community. and yep she’s engaged to Iman, the guy in the end of the video with her (and in the shower) and that’s their daughter with them too.

      Every time I see an article like “5 things to know about Teyana” I cringe lol she’s so good at what she does.

  17. Mo
    September 1, 2016 at 10:34 am — Reply

    I haven’t seen an award show since Halle Berry cried on stage at being the first black woman to win an Emmy…..or was it an Oscar….hell if I know but my son was only a few months old then; he’s 14 now.

    Award shows do not exist anymore except for the Tony’s and the CMA’s, they actually are award shows that I still do not watch.

    Kanye is an idiot. I hate him and most deeply, I hate his wife just because.

    Drake and Rihanna milking their relationship to the fullest. We know yall naked spooning, we know he hitting and you cuffing and we don’t care. Like Drake been a lame…except for his money…that’s not lame, but Views was.

    Britney….I’m just happy she’s still around.

    Bey… I will youtube her performance but I know she kilt it…I mean what else would she do. And lil Baby Blue is so damb adorable. She looks just like a cute lil girl version of Jay and I love it.

    Anywho I was waiting for your recap cause it’s the closest I ever get an award show.

    Thanks

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