Don’t Worry About Malia Obama; Worry About Your Eyebrows
Do we remember the walking messes that were the Bush Twins, Jenna and Barbara? Them two got into so much mayhem that they were basically Mario and Luigi. There’s pics on pics of them falling over themselves, drunk, as their daddy flushed the country’s economy down the toilet. In comparison, the Obama girls have been angels. Even without comparison, those girls have carried themselves with much more grace than they should even know how at this point in life.
I needed to start this there because LEST YE FORGET. Them two didn’t even try that hard to act like they had couth so any critiques of the Obama girls needs to be tempered, because what came before them was that. The Bush Twins did not get lambasted like they could have. And y’all ain’t gon come for the edges of my baes, Malia and Sasha. NO YOU WILL NOT.
Malia Obama, First Daughter, First of Her Name, She of House Obama, Daughter to Barack and Michelle, has been in the news lately. First, for a video that was captured on someone’s phone of her dancing and hiking up her skirt at Lollapalooza. People said she should behave better, and I wanted to tell all those people to shut their mouths wide open.
She was at Lollapalooza, a concert where having behavior is super optional. She was dancing and she had on shorts. She exposed nothing. WHAT is the gahtdamb problem??
Also important, the Obama girls have maintained decorum for so long. I’d wanna shake something too if my every move was monitored by Secret Service and I was basically caged up at the White House for 7 long ass years. I do not wanna hear from the “she should know better” crew. She is 18, and her flipping up her skirt (while wearing shorts underneath) is the least of troubles she could get into.
My only wish for her in that situation was that she had more rhythm. Folks were talmbout she was caught “twerking.” That’s like me saying I’m a gymnast because I did a cartwheel. That was not a twerk. It was a slight butt shimmy. Bless her heart, though. Even if she was twerking… AND SO? Who gives a shit? Girl, dance dance dance and forget your sorrow.
No sooner than the unnecessary hoopla died down, Malia’s name is back in folks’ mouth because a picture was released. It was from some selfie, traitorous summagoat, and it shows her smoking a blunt. It looks like it was from Lollapalooza too. Now, people are really butthurt and slandering Malia.
I. WANT. PEOPLE. TO. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. SO. BAD. Don’t worry about Malia. Worry about your eyebrows!
You mean a teenager is doing things that teenagers do?? You mean she dares to try THE MARIJUANA at the tender age of 18 when some of y’all been toking up since you could cross the street yourself? You mean she smoked weed at a music concert where you often need to be high to have a good time because the music is too damb loud and being drunk is the other alternative? I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED. But no. I am not. If my daddy was running the free world, I might need to take a hit every now and then too.
Let her live. Let her nuts go. LET HER BE FREE.
Besides the japper jaws who are scolding the First Daughter, the folks I’m mad at in both of these situations are her friends. I think she needs better friends, and Blacker ones. The ONLY thing she needs are better friends.
Because you know what I’d do if my bestie was the First Daughter? Snatch phones outta hands the moment they point it towards her when we’re partying. Our crew would form a tight circle around her when it’s time for shenanigans so we are a wall and all prying eyes can see nothing. They need to teach “How to Squad Up for Your Girl” classes at Sidwell Academy because… NAWL.
For real. When your crew includes the most famous teenager in the country, it is your job to protect her. That comes with the friendship bracelet and that is an oath signed in invisible ink. Because of her high profile, you protect her and ensure that she can still have fun. And that she doesn’t get more punished for the same fun you’re having.
You are supposed to have her back AND her front and periphery. All this footage of her being outchea being snapped AND posted? Nah, son. Her crew gotta handle this better. Who is the snitch? They need to be cut out from the friendship circle IMMEJATELY. Because was our girl needs is more loyalty. She needs the kinda girls who know how to get turnt AND move in silence like real Gs in gnome. She needs folks who people talk about like “Don’t mess with Malia. Her friends are crazy.”
Malia seems to be the kind who is chill and not really gonna go against the grain. She seems like such a sweetheart, and grounded. She also seems to be the less turnt Obama sis. To be honest, I’m just waiting on Natasha (Sasha) Obama’s revelry and carefree Black girl-ness. I’ll be here cheering it on.
After this gap year, Malia will be at Harvard. College is a time for true fuckshit, so if folks are mad at these pics now, imagine how mad they’ll be at Undergrad Malia. This is why it is super important that she gets more discerning now about who she surrounds herself with. Who is trustworthy? The last thing she needs are saboteurs and thirst buckets who will rush and post drunk selfies on Instagram and Snapchat. Ain’t gon be no Periscoping our girl after 9pm.
Folks gotta be ready to destroy the phones of those who don’t wanna cooperate with these rules.
We gotta find Malia better friends. Because Black girls and women are scrutinized deeper than others, and we are held to such high standards while being treated like low lifes. We gotta find her SQUAD that is about that life on her behalf. These white girls she’s kicking it with don’t know that she can’t be out here like they can and get away with it like they can. She’s out here being a victim of Becky with the Smartphone. Look at life. She needs more sisthrens around her.
Who shall they be? Where will be find them? Do we need to pray to manifest them in her life? Because like the Nigerian prayer warrior I aspire to be, I am ready at all times.
Dear God, please send angels of advancement to Malia Obama on today. Please show her the snakes that are lying in her grass. Cut the disloyal weeds from Sister Obama’s surroundings and replace them with flowers of devotion. Please break the phones of those who try to get her in trouble, and cover her with your cloth of sanctuary. May the enemies not prosper to squelch this girl’s glory and MAY SHE BE ABLE TO TURN UP IN PEACE.
In Jesus mighty, prosperous and omnipotent name, AMEN.
Eh heh! Enjoy your life, Malia boo. We gotchu.