Famous folks

So FLOTUS and POTUS Are Just Gonna Steal My Heart on the Cover of ESSENCE. Ok.

Listen here. I’m already in my feelings about a variety of things. And then ESSENCE Magazine came and dropped their latest cover, featuring President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. Now I don’t know how to act because the 21st Century Love Jones couple got me all verklempt from their beauty.

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Behold. Malia and Sasha’s parents. Michelle LaVaughn and Barack Hussein. Looking like excellence and the reason for terrible artwork you see at the dollar store. Or on an “arabesque” novel.” Out here looking like the ONLY time I’d say “relationship goals.”

I wanna write a sappy poem about them. The type of poem where I will have to wear a black turtleneck and beat on bongos. And make every single sentence rhyme and when I can’t find a word to rhyme with a previous sentence, I just repeat it slowly. And people would snap their fingers to agree. I’d sway behind a lit candle and Periscope all of it. And I’d sell kente oil afterwards to the crowd: because come up.

LAWD this picture, yo. COME ON, BEAUTIFUL BLACK. Just… comme des fackons, FLOTUS and POTUS. Her hair is laid (by the hands of the gifted Johnny Wright) and his lining is crisp. His barber never disappoints. You ain’t gon catch Barack outchea with anything but a glorious cut.

HeyBooHeySkunk

They are just a really nice looking couple. ESSENCE wasn’t lying with this “Grace & Power.” I just love them.

Do you understand how much my heart is gonna hurt when they leave that White House? Do you realize that I might take to my bed for a week of mourning when they make their exit? When is the next time we’re gonna see a First Family like this? Do we really get how what we’re seeing may not happen again for whoknowshowlong?

We don’t.

This cover got me all reflective and missing them even though they’re still here.

Besides that. Please forgive me for how I’m about to objectify our First Lady but…

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CHISOS KRISTI ON THAT CROSS. FLOTUS did not come here to play with you. Chei. See ikebe. See yansh of life. See the reason why I need to pass out doing squats. I’m not even worthy and you aren’t either. When she said “When they go low, we go high” now I see what she REALLY means. That thing there is SITTING high.

People have been asking where she’s been hiding all of that. She hasn’t. We just haven’t paid attention. OUR BAD. We were slipping.

It’s just not fair to be this amazing as a person and then be this beautiful and then have your body look like the sculpture of perfection. MICHELLE. Can you leave some things for the rest of us? I mean. She’s so petty in her perfection.

Again, sorry but I had to have a moment.

*deep sigh* I love them so much.

I’m just waiting for this issue to arrive in my mailbox so I can cherish it forever. I keep stacking up saved issues of ESSENCE, because they’ve been KILLING every cover lately. I’ma become a hoarder messing with them.


If you loved this post, you’ll love my new book (I’m Judging You: The Do-Better Manual).

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26 Comments

  1. Nikki
    September 8, 2016 at 9:50 am — Reply

    I have said it before and I’ll say it again….POTUS’s barber is the real MVP. That line is always on FLEEK! Those clippers need to be bronzed and put on display in the Smithsonian one day. I almost think his barber must be threading or something because it’s so perfect.

    • September 13, 2016 at 5:46 pm — Reply

      Sooo,
      you’re his barber?
      But I keed, unless it’s true.

  2. Ette Bread
    September 8, 2016 at 10:03 am — Reply

    Chineke! Nna dat yansh! Nothin fit hide am! Chei! I just wan sl… Mayne! DAT A…
    Mine eyes doth seen the (full) glory that is FLOTUS’s a…
    I just wan lay mi head down on dat a…
    Mayne! If I’m ever in her presence, though my hands may be cut off, my eyes will not behave…
    Make I stop before Secret Service begin look for me!

    Or rather before wifey sees the slobber on the screen…
    Oops too late!

    Luvvie see wetin you done do!

  3. Acacia
    September 8, 2016 at 11:14 am — Reply

    Every time I think of the Obamas leaving the white house I want to listen to One Last Time from Hamilton and just cry and cry. I’ll probably do exactly that on the last day of his presidency.

    • Joy
      September 10, 2016 at 1:49 am — Reply

      Me too. 🙁 I am already feeling the tears whenever I think about it.

  4. Elizabeth K. Mahon
    September 8, 2016 at 12:44 pm — Reply

    Can Chris Jackson just come to the White House and sing that song as POTUS and FLOTUS are walking out to the helicopter that takes them away? I went to see SOUTHSIDE WITH YOU on Labor Day, and Parker Sawyers, who plays Barack, just kills it. For a moment, I actually I had time-traveled back to Chicago in the late 80’s. I’m going to miss them so bad, although maybe Michelle can over to England for a bit to take Prince Harry in hand.

  5. Renee
    September 8, 2016 at 1:20 pm — Reply

    O.M.G. to the young men who will become the husbands of Malia and Sasha Obama, get yo’ game skraight NOW! Look at they mama, know that that’s what you gon’ get – line your ducks up righ’na!!

    FLOTUS. Ma’am…you. Betta. WERK!!!

    POTUS – Thank You for being a MAN among men…and foine as errythang, sir!

    P.S. Why come we cain’t have 4 mo’ years of this beautifousness!!!

  6. Syrich
    September 8, 2016 at 1:27 pm — Reply

    No cry my friends. This is America, I have a feeling we will be seeing our most distinguished first family again. President Michelle Obama 2020!!!!!

  7. Syrich
    September 8, 2016 at 1:34 pm — Reply

    High Five Luvvie!!! I co-sign 100% on what you said about FLOTUS: “It’s just not fair to be this amazing as a person and then be this beautiful and then have your body look like the sculpture of perfection. MICHELLE. Can you leave some things for the rest of us? I mean. She’s so petty in her perfection.” I could not have said it better, my only comfort is that I just left the gym squatting for dear life. Looking at this pic I realize it was not nearly enough.

  8. September 8, 2016 at 1:51 pm — Reply

    I love your blog! I just wanted to let you know that we featured you in a list of 100 best Humor blogs. You can find our article at the following link:

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    • notconvincedgranny
      September 8, 2016 at 3:58 pm — Reply

      You betta testify! Knowledge, accompanied by humor.

  9. fishsticks
    September 8, 2016 at 5:49 pm — Reply

    Power Couple so hard, Con Ed pays THEM! thank you, all the deities of all the pantheons that my first election I got to cast a vote for this man, and witness the beauty and grace that was this family in the WH.

  10. Siima
    September 9, 2016 at 2:45 am — Reply

    Lol Luvvie you kill me. ‘See yansh of life.’ But YES!!! I’m not even American and I don’t want Barack and Michelle to leave EVER!! Part of me kinda-but-not-really wishes they could be like some African dictators who just never leave but, democracy. I swear, they are such a gorgeous couple it beggars belief. Also, I’m just sitting here WAITING for my copy of I’m Judging You to arrive, my butt is sore from clenching. Can’t WAIT.

  11. Angie C.
    September 9, 2016 at 8:07 am — Reply

    Lol. .got me rolling this morning on an early wake up before work. I ditto all you say. ..but i really had to agree on thr fact that DAMN. . Yes i been an Essence hoarder. I’ve been threatened by my wife to let it go. So yes. Years of issues. .gone to the trash gawds. So far back as common and erykah Badu. But it was unreal heavy to move.

    But i feel you on this. ..I’m beginning a new boarding cycle; ) lol. Except this issue will NEVER go. .I’m waiting with baited breath on this one too luvvie;)

  12. Angie C.
    September 9, 2016 at 8:08 am — Reply

    *Ugh typo life. .hoarding not boarding!

  13. Maxine Shaw, attorney-at-LOL
    September 9, 2016 at 3:04 pm — Reply

    *sigh* Why couldn’t Michelle run for president? WHY, SWAY!?!?

  14. Drry
    September 9, 2016 at 5:23 pm — Reply

    FLOTUS makes Barbie go, “sitcho azz down'”

    • KDAV
      September 12, 2016 at 1:09 pm — Reply

      #Dead LOL – yep Barbie – have a bunch of \_ |_ \_ \_ \__/ \___/ seats…any one you prefer b/c THIS is BEAUTY fo’ REAL!!

  15. Amina
    September 9, 2016 at 7:50 pm — Reply

    Wait o, do these Americans understand you when you use words like “yansh” and “ikebe”? Got me over here crying LOL

    • Kemi
      September 12, 2016 at 3:08 am — Reply

      Loooooool I was thinking the same thing. ‘Ikebe ati yansh’ seriously cracked me up. See our lingo making sense – God is good oo!!

  16. Mary Burrell
    September 12, 2016 at 7:58 pm — Reply

    They are a gorgeous couple I have been seeing lots of comments on social media and hearing podcasts about FLOTUS derrière. I will miss them when they leave office.

  17. Magatha
    September 13, 2016 at 10:36 am — Reply

    Anybody know if Essence is gonna market this cover (or any of the photos) as posters? Because sign me up, I’m buying at least eleventy dozen of them. Thx Luvvie.

  18. September 17, 2016 at 7:58 am — Reply

    I am so going to miss this classy, classy couple.

    Can’t wait to buy my (at least) 3 copies, when this issue is out over here in England.

  19. Sandy Vaughn-Cooke
    September 19, 2016 at 11:42 am — Reply

    I am rereading these comments and cracking up, but my eyes are actually moist. I remember the emotion in this country, in DC, and on the mall on the day Potus was sworn in, and made history. There were grown men wiping their eyes as he began the walk down that hallway to go to the podium. When everyone realised that it was really happening. The emotion was palpable. I think this is how we will all be in January 2017. The only difference is that in 2008 we only knew what we wanted him to be, but now we know what he is, and what we will be losing. #feelingthelossalready

  20. Stace
    September 21, 2016 at 9:49 am — Reply

    YAAAAAASSS I endorse this statement right here.

  21. Mark
    September 21, 2016 at 3:44 pm — Reply

    I am sooooo going to miss them.

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