CulturePolitics

A Handy Guide to Disrespecting Cheeto Satan From Inauguration and Beyond

In 2 days, the mascot of white supremacy and proof that God sometimes rushes through the creation process, Donald Trump, will be sworn in as president of the United States. And the four horsemen of the apocalypse will ride in as Jesus emerges behind them with a whip and proceeds to beat his ass (like they beat Kunta Kinte) before putting us all out of our misery.

Well, one of those things is likely. The latter is too kind a result. We don’t deserve the rapture. We gotta sit here and live in a world where our leader is a guy who shouldn’t even run on a treadmill, let alone run a country. And every day since November 8, I’ve had gagging episodes where I feel sick to my stomach and heave when I realize that this is really happening.

Right, Morgan.

It has not gotten easier, as every day ushers in new fuckshit from the Trump Dump. Either way, now I’m in survival mode.

The 45th president of the United States happens to be a man who has the intellect and temperament of a spoiled toddler. This poor excuse for a breathing specimen also happens to be a racist, misogynist, xenophobe and arguably, a rapist. ANDDDD he has the nerve to have spent the last 8 years disrespecting the hell out of our current president, Barack Obama.

I know that Empress Duchess Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama, Queen of my heart, said “when they go low, we go high.” But see? I’m going to act like she followed that up with a silent “except when it comes for Donald Trump, then all bets are off.” I need that, because that dude goes so low that I feel like we have no choice but to go gutter.

So, gotta give it right back. I already told y’all I am not playing nice with him. I am committing to disrespecting that thing that is about to be ruling our country, for my own shits and giggles. Especially when we all know he’s the most sensitive summabish this side of the Equator. Him and this fast ass Twitter fingers.

I never knew that the POTUS could be such a whiny little Twitter ho. Anything is possible.

Bruh gotta get these jokes and this work. And usually, I have limits when it comes to what I make fun of about a person (I stay away from jokes about someone’s body usually) but with Cheeto Satan, I’m thinking most things are fair game.

For ease and for the culture, I’m presenting you with this necessary petty manual so we can all get in FUCKTHISDUDE formation:

A Handy Guide to Disrespecting Donald Trump.

Don’t watch his inauguration

There is nothing that Satan’s mentee loves more than attention, and ratings. I am a fan of hate-watching things, and tweeting it. But on January 20, I will not be watching no damb inauguration, and I hope you don’t too. For one, it’s full of the entertainment rejects since everyone with sense who was invited said “Nah I’ll be too busy washing my hair at that time.” More importantly, Mein Trumpf needs to know that we are REALLY not here for him. And we need to give him less things to brag about.

I’ve been getting the messages about making sure our TVs are on so rating shares can show most people were watching television but just not his shit show. But I haven’t been able to fact check that so I can’t vouch for it. All I know is *I* will not be watching.

Make fun of his credentials

We gotta constantly remind Donald that he ain’t shit and never will be shit, no matter how much money he got because he didn’t earn any of it. He’s a reality TV star with many failed businesses in his wake. His resume is full of shoddy dealings and he has not one person who isn’t on his payroll or his kin who can speak kindly of him.

Donald don’t even go to this school

Marmalade Mussolini can’t even run his own businesses well, filing bankruptcy 6 times for his ventures. He is so damb raggedy and the ONLY reason he’s ever gotten anywhere is because he was born with a platinum spoon in his mouth. I call him the mascot of white supremacy because ain’t no long con like the idea that white people are superior.

There is no other person who has served the office of POTUS who is this unqualified. He’s the first to have held no other public offices, and the first to be part chip (he gotta be AT LEAST 15% Dorito).

Make fun of his hair

Ain’t no way in hell you should be this rich and walking around with hair that looks like piss-flavored cotton candy. Like when you walk by him, he gives off the aura of porta potty.

A portrait.

Lord knows. Nobody should ever speak directly to him. How do you do business with someone who is wearing a squirrel on his scalp? Why does his hair look like that sponge our mom’s been using for 3 years and it’s now a shadow of its former self but she loves it so much because it scrubs the pots really well? His hair up there looking like Lucy from Charlie Brown dyed her bangs blonde. On a little cartoon girl, it is acceptable. On a troglodyte with the face for radio, it is horrendous.

So this is low hanging roast fruit. Get to it. Come up with the best hair jokes of your life. Make me proud.

Make fun of his color

White, Black, Yellow? Sure. Orange? No. WHY ARE YOU THE COLOR OF A UNHEALTHY SNACKS?!?

BHET WHY.

Why is your spray tan unable to even so it odds? And why does he always miss the circle around his eyes, so he looks a creamsicle that someone bit so you can see the vanilla on the inside? It’s offensive, how terrible he looks.

The key to these jokes working is to figure out things that are orange-y in color and evil, and use them to create parallels. Sooooo Cheeto Satan. Tangerine Voldemort. Persimmon Hitler. Get creative, and go nuts. Do your best!

Make fun of his baby hands

For someone who is constantly writing checks his mouth can’t cash, Sunkist Stalin can’t even put his hands on folks to back himself up if it came to it.

Donald Trump baby hands

His hands prolly got dimples on them. You know like how babies’ hands are before they develop knuckle joints.

He was on that tape talmbout how he wanted to grab a woman by her pussy. WITH WHOSE HANDS, DONALD?? Those tiny hands can maybe grab one labia, but not both at the same time. Arms and hands too short to box with God. Hell, they’re too short to palm a volleyball. I guess that God felt like amusing Himself and when He was putting the Nacho Nazi together, He gave him hands that would stay 12 years old as the rest of him grew. Grown AF with pre-teen phalanges.

That asshole can get this work!

Call him everything but his name.

Now comes the REALLY fun part. We’ve started doing this but we need to get really intentional about it. This might be the last time I actually type Donald Trump because henceforth, he must not be given the honor of being called his birth name. We must come together in impertinence and call this dimwit the monikers that really fit him.

I have made note of all the names I’ve heard folks call him across the internet and made us a list to refer back to. I am only taking credit for the first 2. The others? Found and dreamed of by the great minds across Twitter, Facebook and more.

Squirrelwig McRacistPants. Cheeto Satan. Coral Babyhands. Fanta Fascist. Dreamsicle Demon. Orange Menace. El Hombre de Tang. Marmalade Mussolini. Orange Anusmouth. Don the Con. Hair Gropenfuhrer. Sunkist Stalin. Habañero Hitler. Mandarin Orange Mugabe. The Orange Peel. Trumplethinskin. Orange is the new Splat. Tangerine Nutsack. Angry Creamsicle. Human-toupee hybrid. Agent Orange. Fuckface von Clownstick. Cheetolini. The Orange Shitweasel. President Tang. Persimmon Toddler. Kim Jong Orange. Pantone Beelzebub. Hair Gropenfuhrer. Minute Maid Mao. Clueless Orange Julius. Papaya Batista. Sweet Potato Saddam. Doorknob Trundlefuck. Tropicana Mussolini. Mangled Apricot Hellbeast. Twitler. Pumpkin Pinochet. Cheeze Wiz. Lemonhead Elect. Peach Nehi President. Trump Brulée. Short Fingered Vulgarian. Orange Foolius. Pumpkin Spice Satan. Tang Tyrant. Mandarin Manchurian Candidate. Sunburned Stalin. Babyhands McCheetodick. Cheeto-in-Chief. Salmon Voldemort. Candy Corn Kremlin. The Nacho Nazi. Toupée Fiasco. PEEOTUS.

New additions to this list: Dolt45. The Angry Yam. Tangerine Palpatine. Tangerine Turd Tumbler. Orange Kumquat. Yam Vader. Genghis Con. Cantaloupe Caillou.

And now, for the ultimate form of disrespect to Twitler (and the one that matters the most):

FIGHT and RESIST

We are in uncharted territories right now. He won on a platform of bigotry, he’s supremely unqualified and he is the walking embodiment of the seven deadly sins. He is packing his administration with equally dreadful people who shouldn’t even be door greeters at your local Piggly Wiggly, let alone in high positions of power in government. President Tang is the leader of the Republican Party, which now controls every branch of government. They have all the power they need to wreck everything good about this country. In fact, they’ve already started taking steps to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Basically, they are enemies of progress.

What we need to make sure we’re doing is fighting them every step of the way. That we resist their agenda to “Make America Great Again” which is dog-whistle for “put white power back on the map.” We should not allow the normalization of discrimination that is so overt that you think we’re back in the 1920s. Swastikas have made a comeback, hate crimes have spiked and the racists have been emboldened. The KKK basically took off their hoods and said “come at me, bro.”

The way to show our contempt for Wiggy Trumpzealea is to call him out on his bullshit, hold our elected officials accountable for our needs, and stand up for those who are even more marginalized than we are. It’s not even disrespect as much as it is our duty. We fight. We resist. We make sure the nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue doesn’t incapacitate us.

What do we do now? We FIGHT like hell. We WRITE our asses off. We make the best ART we can. We PROTECT each other. We LOVE ourselves through it. We STAY STANDING.

Left: By Shepard Fairey. Right: By Ernesto Yerena. Both of these pieces of art are from the Amplifier Foundation’s kickstarter campaign titled “We the People, which I backed enthusiastically.

And we also make fun of him with reckless abandon. You know his hurt feels will spill over in massive twitter rants and at his pay-to-play press conferences.

Let’s do this!

But first, let me go vomit. Toupee Fiasco is really about to have the nuclear codes.

P.S. In case you are wondering what one of the hex code values of his skin was. You know he got about 46 different shades of orange going.

YOU’RE WELCOME!

P.P.S. Get a “The Only Donald We Acknowledge is Glover” tshirt


Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

Previous post

So I Took a Work Break and Now I'm Back!

Next post

Dear Chrisette Michele, So You're Performing at the Inauguration

162 Comments

  1. ZaidahNicole
    January 18, 2017 at 12:57 pm — Reply

    I’ve always called him Cheeto. His wife and kids can get this work, too, since folk felt the need to dis Michelle, Malia, and Sasha.

    • PernRider
      January 19, 2017 at 2:56 pm — Reply

      His wife and kids make it easy. His wife is First Stripper, after all. And his kids? Well which ones? Beavis and Butthead? Queen Incest? Or…that other girl? (Only one I see as off limits is Barron, he’s a minor and has had no part of the campaign aside from occasionally being paraded in front of cameras to his apparent dismay…)

      • Jaye
        January 20, 2017 at 10:03 pm — Reply

        Orange Crushness & the first THOTUS

    • B-squared
      January 19, 2017 at 7:10 pm — Reply

      I can’t call him Cheeto, because I love Cheetos. I go with Stale Cheeto. And it’s not a presidency, it’s the Stale Cheeto Regime.

    • January 19, 2017 at 10:55 pm — Reply

      Dumptruck McHairbeast.

  2. Kim
    January 18, 2017 at 1:03 pm — Reply

    My favorite remains: Carny handed mango man.

    • PernRider
      January 19, 2017 at 3:00 pm — Reply

      My go-to is “the Orange Overlord.” I usually preface it with “All Heil…”

      • Gordon Walker
        January 21, 2017 at 1:18 pm — Reply

        My names for him are very extreme. I cut no slack. BTW, I ride a Bronze.

  3. Diane
    January 18, 2017 at 1:07 pm — Reply

    Luvvie, I have never felt more destined for greatness than at this very moment. I am ready.

    • January 20, 2017 at 1:19 pm — Reply

      You and me both, Diane. I am ready.

  4. Brittany
    January 18, 2017 at 1:21 pm — Reply

    Cheeto Satan, and the God awfulness that is the house and senate were not ready. These people seem to have forgotten that we overcame SLAVERY and SEGREGATION. Did they think we were going to let this one ride?

  5. Deb V.
    January 18, 2017 at 1:45 pm — Reply

    Cheeto Jesus, Sir Orange Tinyhands, and Twitler are my faves. He is abominable and the #Resistance will win.

  6. Barbara Rice
    January 18, 2017 at 1:49 pm — Reply

    My friend calls him the Orange Dumpster Fire.

  7. Renee
    January 18, 2017 at 1:52 pm — Reply

    Just a few nuggets imma hafta glean from this here harvest:
    *piss-colored cotton candy
    *the portrait
    *Nacho Nazi (that got a belly laugh)
    but the one that got me verklempt…. Orange Foolius!!!
    Break. The. Damn. Inanets. Family!!!

  8. Natalie
    January 18, 2017 at 1:52 pm — Reply

    I’ve been referring to him as Shitler. I can’t take credit for that name, my brilliant friend Denise came up with it.

    • Drea
      January 18, 2017 at 4:40 pm — Reply

      I love it! Loll

    • Diahann
      February 12, 2017 at 10:22 pm — Reply

      Stealing this one!

  9. January 18, 2017 at 1:56 pm — Reply

    I’ve been calling him That Horror-Clown, from the German headline after the election: Bitte nicht den Horror-Clown!

  10. January 18, 2017 at 1:59 pm — Reply

    this is amazing
    malinda
    http://www.malindaknowles.net

  11. Heather
    January 18, 2017 at 2:01 pm — Reply

    *prints list of nicknames*

  12. MissTish
    January 18, 2017 at 2:07 pm — Reply

    His name is Bigly Biatch. I’m gonna embroider pillows with it, and send them to Joe Biden to put in every room in the White House, because we know Joe Bizzy is down with the resistance and he has zero behavior.

  13. Wendy
    January 18, 2017 at 2:12 pm — Reply

    Let’s also add that his wife shall be known as THOTUS!

    • Tip
      January 18, 2017 at 3:59 pm — Reply

      I’m adopting this!

    • Michele
      January 18, 2017 at 4:02 pm — Reply

      I’ve been calling her Slavic Barbie, which was shamelessly stolen from a Tom and Lorenzo commenter, but I like this too.

      • TaintTooProud
        January 26, 2017 at 11:33 pm — Reply

        I’m sorry, thats catchy, but not nearly insulting enough.

    • Portia
      January 18, 2017 at 4:05 pm — Reply

      Yesssssss

    • Farah Chandu
      January 18, 2017 at 4:38 pm — Reply

      I’ve been referring to her as NudePic Nagini. I was gonna leave her out of it, but she just turned her reptilian contempt on the camera and lo! my inner mongoose emerged.

      • Siima
        January 19, 2017 at 6:31 am — Reply

        FARAH!! Your inner mongoose!! I’m at work crying into my laptop and trying to act like that snort-laugh I just did is normal. LMAO!

      • Brian Mooso
        January 20, 2017 at 9:31 pm — Reply

        You went Rikki Tikki Tavi on the slimy Slavi?

    • blackprofessor
      January 18, 2017 at 6:57 pm — Reply

      Love this! I have been calling her First Ho but I have to add this to my list.

      • Nicole
        January 18, 2017 at 9:55 pm — Reply

        First Ho! I was really gonna try not to bring Melania into this, but that just killed me. Calling her that from now on.

    • NiHi
      January 19, 2017 at 6:45 am — Reply

      YEEEESSSSS! White America has just elected THOTUS and BOTUS.

    • Londa
      January 19, 2017 at 10:02 am — Reply

      LOL! Hilarious!

      So, will she also be referred to as “First THOT” instead of “First Lady”?

  14. cj coppola
    January 18, 2017 at 2:18 pm — Reply

    Pumpkin POTUS

  15. Ann
    January 18, 2017 at 2:22 pm — Reply

    While I ABSOLUTELY agree about his insufficient funds when it comes to experience, I have one correction: he is a Reality TV PERSONALITY. NOT a star. I’m so petty, I will not even give him that. As Mr. D. L. Hughley said “Fuck you now and fuck you forever”.

    • MzCafe
      January 19, 2017 at 7:14 am — Reply

      YESS Ann!!

  16. Mosun
    January 18, 2017 at 2:28 pm — Reply

    Loooooooooool! I am so for this!

  17. January 18, 2017 at 2:29 pm — Reply

    I’m a bit of a nerd but I’ve been calling him “Tangerine Palpatine.” Star Wars fans will get it 😉

    • Michelle
      January 18, 2017 at 4:17 pm — Reply

      🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I like that one lmao

  18. Rob Wilson
    January 18, 2017 at 2:33 pm — Reply

    Hate to be THAT guy, but you got Hair Gropenfuhrer on that list twice.

    • Matt
      January 18, 2017 at 4:28 pm — Reply

      It deserved repeating!

      • PernRider
        January 19, 2017 at 3:02 pm — Reply

        I noticed too, and thought the same thing!

  19. rainbeaux
    January 18, 2017 at 2:34 pm — Reply

    This is FANTASTIC! I am certain that I will be referring back to it many times over the next 6 months (if he gets impeached *dear GOD* let him get impeached) to 4 years (again, *dear GOD* let him get impeached before that happens). Thank you for your wit, sarcasm and overall hilarity. <3 I also just purchased your book. 🙂

  20. Katie L.
    January 18, 2017 at 2:36 pm — Reply

    Circus Peanut-chet.

    • Brian Mooso
      January 20, 2017 at 9:33 pm — Reply

      Or, spelled ‘Pee-nut’…

  21. Lolly
    January 18, 2017 at 2:37 pm — Reply

    Luvvie, now you my girl and I love you like a play cousin, but damn it, you ain’t gonna disrespect Doritos up in here! By associating that beloved chip, that Super Bowl darling, with Orange Hitler, you have tarnished it. Oh Woe Is Me! Now I can never eat them again. #Sad

    Also, Wendy, I go with you now cause THOTUS is So Funny and Appropriate!!!!!! LOLOL!!

    • January 20, 2017 at 5:39 pm — Reply

      Oh, Lolly, this made me laugh so hard! #savethedoritos #pleasehaverespectforwhatisgood

      Every single one of these comments is absolutely golden, and not like his hair or his showers. Like pure gold goodness. Never mind. He ruined gold for us, too. #loser

  22. Michele
    January 18, 2017 at 2:39 pm — Reply

    I’m so ready for the petty.

    I have to laugh because a few days ago I downloaded an extension on my Chrome browser that instantly replaces any picture of Sir Ferrethead with those of kittens, so this page is filled with cuddly kitties interspersed with your commentary.

    Best of both worlds.

    • Cherie
      January 18, 2017 at 3:58 pm — Reply

      Michelle, what is the extension that you used? Sharing is caring 🙂

      • Michele
        January 18, 2017 at 4:05 pm — Reply

        Make America Kittens Again

        And what’s cool about it is you can also kitten block Mike Pence and their international neo-nazi pals like Nigel Farage and Marine LaPen

    • DJL
      January 18, 2017 at 6:43 pm — Reply

      There’s also one that changes Trump to Drumpf. GLORIOUS.

  23. Keisha A
    January 18, 2017 at 2:40 pm — Reply

    I call his cry baby ass Cheeto Anti-Christ. Ive been hoping this has all been an episode of Punkd and Ashton Kutcher is gonna come out on Friday and be like GOTCHA! For real Hillary won but we just wanted to scary the shit outta the country so everyone can be grateful of what we have as a country.

  24. Awanda
    January 18, 2017 at 2:41 pm — Reply

    I would say his skin color is like old potted-meat

    • Londa
      January 19, 2017 at 9:58 am — Reply

      So, basically, he’s Spam. Hahahaha!

      “Sir Spam-a-Lot,” (because of his twitter affinity.

  25. Carol
    January 18, 2017 at 2:45 pm — Reply

    Thank you, Luvvie! Our mission – besides ensuring we keep fighting for right – should be to annoy Marmalade Mussolini (LOL!) every damn day of his hopefully short administration.

    My mom came up with this idea, but I think it’s brilliant. We need to create a nickname for him that’ll stick, and use it as a hashtag whenever we mention him on social media. It will frustrate, annoy, and infuriate him.

    Recall his nicknames for opponents during the campaign: “Lyin Ted”, “Little Marco”, etc.

    I propose that the nickname refer to his first name, because y’all know he hates being called Donald.

    #PoorDonald kinda works because he’s probably broke, and also because he’s sad and pathetic. But I’m counting on folks more clever than I to think of something that’ll really get under his skin.

    • Sonia Simone
      January 18, 2017 at 3:40 pm — Reply

      I like #DirtyDon. Covers his personal repulsiveness + his ethics.

    • Denise
      January 18, 2017 at 8:36 pm — Reply

      Or, #FOTUS (fool of the us)

    • Quanda
      January 19, 2017 at 4:42 am — Reply

      I like that! I will be using this until I see something better!! He is not worthy to be called President!!

    • NiHi
      January 19, 2017 at 7:00 am — Reply

      Since he claims to be so smart how about “Dumb Donald”, “Donald The Dumbass” or “UBigDummy”? The days he complains about the media we could use Bill Maher’s “Whinylittlebitch”.

      • Lisa
        January 20, 2017 at 11:05 am — Reply

        I’ve been calling him “Dimwit Don”! Fits perfectly, babbling idiot can’t speak a coherent sentence to save his life. Repeats words, statements over and over. Yeah, fits him to a T!

    • Brian Mooso
      January 20, 2017 at 9:35 pm — Reply

      P-Don?

  26. Awanda
    January 18, 2017 at 2:54 pm — Reply

    Skin color like orange shaggy carpet that has dry rotted in the sun

  27. Awanda
    January 18, 2017 at 2:56 pm — Reply

    I bet he needs arm extensions to wipe his ass with….

    • Carin
      January 18, 2017 at 7:47 pm — Reply

      The cackle that came from my mouth! Not arm extensions! 😂

  28. Keleigh Hadley
    January 18, 2017 at 3:01 pm — Reply

    He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Respected
    He-Who-Must-Not-Be-My-President
    The Pixie-Fingered President

  29. Kay
    January 18, 2017 at 3:22 pm — Reply

    Yes! Twitler, Fanta Fascist, Marmalade Mussolini and Toupée Fiasco are my personal favourites lol

  30. […] Trump at every turn, and it is smarter and funnier than anything I could write about the subject, so here–you read this and laugh at it, and I’m gonna go have a snack or […]

  31. Sonia Simone
    January 18, 2017 at 3:38 pm — Reply

    If I have to refer to that nasty creature at all, I’ve been calling him #DirtyDon. Mostly I try to give none of my attention to the whiny little attention whore. Instead I’m harassing my senators and congresswoman. A lot. They’re the only ones that can control this skidmark.

  32. January 18, 2017 at 3:39 pm — Reply

    Supposedly, the ratings will not matter unless you are a part of the Nielson ratings families. I know of some individuals who are and they are not fans of the tantrum prone orange crush toned Tyrannosaurus Trump so they will have their TV on but it will be tuned to some weird channel I’ve never heard of. They even threatened to stay home for the entirety of the event, wasting a vacation day no less, to ensure they can change the channel in case it goes to the inauguration, lololol

  33. Ali
    January 18, 2017 at 3:49 pm — Reply

    OMG, this post. THIS POST! Not only did I laugh so hard I think I herniated a disk, now I have a slew of handy and varied (and *descriptive!*) monikers for the slimy pussy grabber-in-chief.

    And I stand with you – we have no choice but to fight. And we’re fighting for our lives. Cancelling ACA with no plan whatsoever in place is tantamount to class genocide. And these changes being made by old white guys who enjoy universal (and total) healthcare, courtesy of us, the other 98%.

    I’m beginning to understand how Hitler was able to come to power. It’s like we’re on a one-way trip to a dorito-hued dystopia.

    • Michelle
      January 19, 2017 at 2:51 pm — Reply

      Somewhere out there, Germany is shaking their head at the US and sighing,”I told you so…”. It’s completely unreal and amazing that people don’t learn from history.

  34. Tina Patterson
    January 18, 2017 at 3:53 pm — Reply

    What’s his name? #babyhands, #commanderinthief, #commanderinpee.

  35. sparrow
    January 18, 2017 at 4:04 pm — Reply

    I’m sticking with calling him “Now This Muthaf*cker Right Here” because that is what my spirit commands.

    • KDAV
      January 20, 2017 at 12:41 pm — Reply

      This here…LIFE!!! LOLOLOL and AGREED!!!

    • January 24, 2017 at 6:20 pm — Reply

      YESSSSSSSSS…best one yet

  36. nonsoccermom
    January 18, 2017 at 4:16 pm — Reply

    I saw someone on Facebook refer to him as The Angry Yam and right now that’s what I’m going with. All of these are wonderfully appropriate, however.

  37. Lee Allen
    January 18, 2017 at 4:18 pm — Reply

    I’d like to submit this one for your consideration: Naranja Knob.

  38. notconvincedgranny
    January 18, 2017 at 4:19 pm — Reply

    I have always called him Dinky Digits Donald Drumpf. And he got his coiffure from his mama. No, really – he most likely scalped her and put it on. Sew-on weave.

    ‘Cause that’s a mug that not even a mother could love.

    With his Jabba the Hutt-sprayed-with-fluorescent-orange-utility marker-paint-looking self.

    ‘Cause you can stick a straw in his right ear and blow his mind out the left.

  39. notconvincedgranny
    January 18, 2017 at 4:21 pm — Reply

    Oh yeah – did we forget Trumplethinskin?

    • Ann
      January 20, 2017 at 8:46 am — Reply

      I love trumplethinskin!

  40. Coconerdgirl
    January 18, 2017 at 4:22 pm — Reply
  41. It's just Pam Again
    January 18, 2017 at 4:23 pm — Reply

    Currently: The Pestilence-Elect.
    After noon on Friday: just plain The Pestilence.

    And they’ll be selling Hawaiian Shave Ice (green and blue flavour, plz) in Hell before I am watching even one microsecond of the Pestilential Inoculation.

    And In Conclusion,

    #BankTrumpt

  42. Ginger
    January 18, 2017 at 4:46 pm — Reply

    My favorite goes back to Spy Magazine : Short-fingered Vulgarian. I’ve haven’t stopped calling him that since t he 90’s.

  43. Drea
    January 18, 2017 at 4:55 pm — Reply

    Orange Foolius, Twitler and Agent Orange, my top favs lol!

    Today I heard Nubs McGilicutty, lmao!

    • TxBirdy
      February 13, 2017 at 3:30 pm — Reply

      Orange Foolius. Now you done done it!

      My eyes crossed up on that one. Laughing so hard right now!

  44. Sandra
    January 18, 2017 at 5:15 pm — Reply

    Just a FYI: unless you are a Neilson family what you watch on T.V. Doesn’t count. My family did it about 5 years ago and we did it for two years only. I hope people who do Neilson don’t watch.

  45. Marian
    January 18, 2017 at 5:47 pm — Reply

    My personal favorites: Hair Groppenfuhrer and Orange Foolius. But post-January 20, I think It’s Just Pam Again has hit the weasel on the head: The Pestilence. Don’t dignify him with a concrete noun, just an abstract one – invisible, toxic, and catching if you don’t take stringent precautions to contain it.

  46. Tonia
    January 18, 2017 at 7:34 pm — Reply

    I teach and Inauguration 2009 I shut things down!!! My kindergarten class and I watched the Inauguration all day. This year…..I’m not checking for this travesty. Y’all would be surprised how upset my 2nd graders were the day after Election Day…. I’m not putting myself or them through it.

  47. Rebecca
    January 18, 2017 at 7:39 pm — Reply

    Courtesy of Bob the Wonder Poodle on FB…The Angry Yam.

  48. Tatiana
    January 18, 2017 at 8:08 pm — Reply

    Luv is how about: Tang the Terrible

  49. Denise
    January 18, 2017 at 8:39 pm — Reply

    I’d like to submit #FOTUS for consideration (fool of the us). Fits well with #THOTUS

  50. January 18, 2017 at 8:56 pm — Reply

    I agree that we should in general stay away from body shaming or bullying of any kind BUT Drump and his delicate digits should be mocked as often as he makes it relevant and necessary…which is almost always.
    We cannot be afraid to speak up against the antics of tangerine Voldemort!

  51. MoMo
    January 18, 2017 at 8:56 pm — Reply

    Orange Foolius and Kim Jong Orange deserve a standing ovation. This is all still so painful but thanks for making me laugh through it all.

  52. Pal
    January 18, 2017 at 9:09 pm — Reply

    I call Pence the “Animated Jar of Mayonnaise” which I think I heard on Colbert. I don’t call “It” anything but I am wearing a black armband on Friday.

  53. January 18, 2017 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    My additions to your list (neither of which I can take credit for) are Darth Cheeto and Donasaurus T. Rump.

    Thank you for that straight dope. Definitely necessary and definitely awesome!

    • Brian Mooso
      January 20, 2017 at 9:40 pm — Reply

      I also use ‘Tangerine Turd Tumbler’

  54. January 18, 2017 at 9:42 pm — Reply

    I call him trumpty dumpty…

  55. Paz
    January 18, 2017 at 9:49 pm — Reply

    Faborites of mine were Twitler, Trumplestinskin and Agent Orange. i can add who would be even fitting call him “Zapallo Pinochet” because is how here in Chile call the pumpkins. Or simply The Don´t.
    Agent Orange is brilliant for lots of reasons.

  56. Fifi
    January 18, 2017 at 9:59 pm — Reply

    My favourite nickname for it is Trumplethinskin, closely followed by The Mango Moron, but I’m totally confused by #THOTUS.

    For the slow amongst us, what does it mean?

    • Hima
      January 18, 2017 at 11:26 pm — Reply

      THOTUS– “The Ho of the US” (?) ….Malaria its “wife”.

      • Fifi
        January 19, 2017 at 8:52 pm — Reply

        Thank you Hima! Normally I would condemn going after the family, but she not only married him, she is staying and supporting him, so she’s fair game.

  57. Deena
    January 18, 2017 at 11:10 pm — Reply

    My term for him since the primaries is Tangerine Tornado. As a friend of mine recently said, it captures his hideous skin color and his destructive power.

  58. Hima
    January 18, 2017 at 11:23 pm — Reply

    We should really get #illegitimatepresident trending on Twitter all day on Friday and make sure to tag President Dump/Fuckface Von Clownstick.

  59. Kimberly Robinson
    January 18, 2017 at 11:38 pm — Reply

    I simply refer to him as El Naranja, which is both accurate and in Spanish, which would piss him off. I will never use his name, ever. El Naranja, por siempre.

  60. Melinda
    January 19, 2017 at 12:50 am — Reply

    We call him the orange hairball. And he does not merit capital letters.

  61. NiHi
    January 19, 2017 at 1:40 am — Reply

    My thing is to N-E-V-A refer to him by his last name because it furthers his brand. This is a man who always speaks in the 3rd person. He questioned President Obama’s legitimacy so his should ALWAYS be questioned. He is NOT President Trump, but Bresident (Bastard President) fill in the blank. Black Twitter should start #Monday. Every Monday Bresident Satan should wake to a hash tag that irritates him so bad he can’t help but respond. He’s heard a million jokes about his hair, but his hands are definitely a sore spot. We want to make HIM as miserable as he tried to make President Obama. Keep asking for his tax returns. What about his college transcript cuz it’s obvious he’s dumb as fluck! Black Twitter should spend the next four years making him miserable. Just talking about him too much makes my stomach hurt … DAMB!

    • Heather
      January 19, 2017 at 10:03 am — Reply

      I’m as white as can be, and I’ve thought about finally joining Twitter specifically to screw with FF Von Clownsticks’s head.

  62. NiHi
    January 19, 2017 at 1:42 am — Reply

    Oh, what about Gobble, Gobble. I thought of it after looking at his turkey neck profile pic.

  63. Raven Dane
    January 19, 2017 at 3:21 am — Reply

    In the UK, the word Trump means fart, a scourge of great amusement. We loathe him so much, we had a huge..or is that yuge petition to parliament wanting him banned from visiting the UK. I call him The Orange Fart. Spread the word. A release of noxious gas is a most appropriate name for this horrible man.

  64. Maxine Shaw, attorney at LOL
    January 19, 2017 at 7:49 am — Reply

    Take tomorrow off, keep your children out of school (most schools I know force students to sit through the inauguration) and take them to see Hidden Figures and/or Fences instead.

  65. January 19, 2017 at 9:01 am — Reply

    […] First, read this: A Handy Guide to Disrespecting Cheeto Satan From Inauguration and Beyond. […]

  66. Heather
    January 19, 2017 at 10:00 am — Reply

    He can only grab one labia!! Coffee almost came out of my nose and my eyes were teared up for a while.

  67. Akilah
    January 19, 2017 at 11:28 am — Reply

    Grown AF with pre-teen phalanges.— This is what took me down!!!

  68. W. A.Thompson
    January 19, 2017 at 11:38 am — Reply

    I had no idea anyone else was using “agent orange” to describe the evil incarnate. Bless you for this letter, you may have saved my soul today! Keep’em coming!

  69. Cindy
    January 19, 2017 at 11:42 am — Reply

    I refuse to give him any capitals in his name as he is such a small schmuck and does not even deserve that! Love me some Obamas!!

  70. January 19, 2017 at 11:56 am — Reply

    I m gonna call him #hashtag…orange kumquat!! I have twitter now, so every morning at 320am I will tweet, so he can respond…. upset his damn day!! lol!!

  71. January 19, 2017 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    dint forget yall, add the ## hashtag since hes a twitter dick!!
    😂

  72. January 19, 2017 at 12:22 pm — Reply

    Great article. Resist. No matter come what may. Resist the Cheeto-Cthulhu.

  73. January 19, 2017 at 12:28 pm — Reply

    and PLEASE! LOOK LOCAL! If your local politicians are pro-Cheeto, work like rented Egyptians mules to get them replaced with Rational Adults. Far too many of us (me, included) focus more on the big, federal elections, while our sheriffs and alderpeople and dogcatchers rape us blind.

    So …remember..LOCAL is an excellent place to start rebuilding.

    xoxoxo

  74. January 19, 2017 at 12:50 pm — Reply

    […] are many more things you can do while you refuse to normalize PE45. Do […]

  75. luthethird
    January 19, 2017 at 1:12 pm — Reply

    I’m a Star Wars fan, so as a proud member of the rebellion, I’ve now taken a liking to calling him “Yam Vader”.

  76. January 19, 2017 at 2:21 pm — Reply

    I call Trump/Pence – Joffrey/Cersei

  77. Hollace Drake
    January 19, 2017 at 3:02 pm — Reply

    Genghis con

  78. MissTish
    January 19, 2017 at 4:04 pm — Reply

    Kaptain Kumquat

  79. January 19, 2017 at 4:28 pm — Reply

    Is Dummkopf Drumpf taken?

  80. Stacy
    January 19, 2017 at 4:34 pm — Reply

    I want it to rain tomorrow. I’m talking torrential downpour so I can see what First Cheeto looks like with wet hair. Someone wet that joint. The people need to know what we’re dealing with. Also, he’s that candy corn shade of orange. And we all know candy corn were created by satan himself so……..

  81. Beth
    January 19, 2017 at 4:37 pm — Reply

    Cheeto von Clusterfuck!

    Orange Assnapkin!

    Solent Orange!!

  82. Mithras
    January 19, 2017 at 4:59 pm — Reply

    “When they go low, we go high”, and you say you’re going gutter.

    With Trump, that ~is~ high.

    He’s asking us to get out of the gutter, because we’re blocking his periscope.

  83. January 19, 2017 at 7:52 pm — Reply

    I call him the orange orangutan, even though I think an orangutan is smarter than he is. His most fervent followers are orange oinkers.

  84. Sandy
    January 19, 2017 at 7:53 pm — Reply

    Tweety Turd. “I tawt I taw a pussy….”

  85. Meredith
    January 19, 2017 at 8:25 pm — Reply

    I love everything about this except please, please don’t hate on Piggly Wiggly greeters! He is not worthy

  86. Nika
    January 19, 2017 at 9:54 pm — Reply

    I call him Cinnamon Hitler…sigh help us Lord.

  87. January 19, 2017 at 11:13 pm — Reply

    THE POST I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! I’m expecting I’ll be using Squirrelwig McRacistPants the most. It has such cadence. And you know, might use Squirrelhat McCheetoPants to mix it up.

  88. Deb
    January 20, 2017 at 2:58 am — Reply

    Here is my collection so far:

    #NotMyPresident
    Trumpy
    Walking Cheeto
    Cheeto Jesus
    Orange Cheeto
    The Orange One
    Donhole Trump
    Donald Dunce
    Donald Thumb
    Donald Dump
    The Trumpster
    Trumpster Fire
    Mango Mussolini
    Pussy Grabber in Chief
    President Pussy Grabber
    Twittler
    Tweeter in Chief
    Twitter In Chief
    American Hitler
    Drumpf
    t.Rump (tRump)
    Muggle Voldemort
    Orange Julius Caesar
    Trumpetter (because he blows his own horn)
    Orange Senilepot
    Smirk Guph
    Ducky MacTrump
    El Donaldo
    Commando in Grief
    ElWiggo
    HeSoVain Elwiggo
    Orange Top
    Tangerine Colored Oompa Loompa
    Cheeto Elect

    • Christina Mason
      January 20, 2017 at 1:44 pm — Reply

      MANGO MUSSOLINI.

      I fainted.

    • Brian Mooso
      January 20, 2017 at 9:44 pm — Reply

      Adding to the collection:
      P***y Caesar
      tangerine turd tumbler

  89. S Alston
    January 20, 2017 at 3:51 am — Reply

    I have taken to calling him “The Tangerine Turd.” However, I see a lot of good ones here, so I may have to switch it up periodically.

  90. Kell
    January 20, 2017 at 8:53 am — Reply

    And yet here you are being pissed and petty on his behalf. Bye, troll.

  91. Kathy
    January 20, 2017 at 9:24 am — Reply

    Fired up and ready to go!

  92. Dori
    January 20, 2017 at 11:01 am — Reply

    I did not vote for Trump and am horrified to see him taking power in the U.S., but I don’t think such focus on virulent name calling is helpful (satisfying, oh yes! But not helpful.). This kind of thing only furthers the divide between the parties (which is already a huge mess) and if we focus our energies on this type of behavior then we’re only going to see much more of the same kind of vitriol from the Republicans the next time a Democrat gets elected. It’s tiresome and takes us even further backwards. How about focusing on fighting this presidency through addressing policy and issues, and standing up for one another’s rights?

  93. Christina
    January 20, 2017 at 1:42 pm — Reply

    That undead tangerine will not mess with this positive flow and love I have. Go, Luvvie, go!

  94. Lexxi
    January 20, 2017 at 3:44 pm — Reply

    He is the orange antichrist all the days of my life and I will call him that FORVER! Amen

  95. Brian Mooso
    January 20, 2017 at 8:58 pm — Reply

    Aside from the relentless tweets I send Twitler, an Inauguration Day pic of my butt with #NotMYpresident and “KISS IT” on the pic, I made up this little diddy, to the tune of ‘The Phony King of England’ from Disney’s Robin Hood:

    Oh- the world will sing
    Of America’s “King” A thousand years from now
    And not because he passed some laws, or had Twitter cows

    Since Obama did 8 years, and he’s gone now
    We’ll all be robbed blind by good for nothin’ Don

    Incredible as he is inept
    Whenever the history books are kept
    They’ll call him the
    Phony King of ‘Merica
    (A pox on the phony king of ‘Merica!)

    He stands alone
    On a gold plated throne
    pretending he’s the king

    A tiny fingered tyke
    whom we all know
    is Putin’s puppet on a string.

    He throws an angry tantrum
    when he cannot get his way

    And then calls for Putie
    who cleans up his doodie
    Ya see- he doesn’t like to play….

    Too dumb to be known as ‘Don the first’
    He’s sure to be known to be ‘Don the worst’

    A pox on the phony king of ‘Merica!

    While he taxes us to pieces, and robs us of our bread
    his phony gold plated crown
    keeps slippin’ down around
    that pointed head

    Ah- but while’s a ray of hope
    to keep ourselves on track
    We will find a way
    to make him pay
    And get our money back

    A minute before he knows we’re there
    We’ll strip him
    to his UNDERWEAR

    The greasy and queasy king of ‘Merica

    The snifflin’ whinin’
    Measley weasley
    Blabberin’ Jabberin’
    Gibberin’ Blitherin’
    plunderin’ plottin’
    Wheelin’ Dealin’
    Donald Trump
    The phony king of ‘Merica!

    SHARE IT. I can’t make a cent on it- but I consider it a valuable weapon.

  96. Sam
    January 20, 2017 at 9:06 pm — Reply

    Factory reject Stretch Armstrong doll with a tribble on his head

    • Ciaparo
      January 28, 2017 at 11:58 am — Reply

      👏👏👏 for the tribble reference!

  97. Mo Moze
    January 21, 2017 at 5:35 pm — Reply

    The boy (I refuse to call him a man) is nothing but a spray-tan Satan. Not 2 days into the job, and I’m all the way over in the UK, but
    already this Melanin Molester and that Frowsy Mannequin he married to, making my corns burn. #OrangeIsTheNewWhack

  98. […] that, because that dude goes so low that I feel like we have no choice but to go gutter.” A Handy Guide to Disrespecting Cheeto Satan From Inauguration and Beyond (by Luvvie Ajayi, via […]

  99. […] many of Obama’s policies, I found myself growing more and more nostalgic the closer we got to Cheetos Satan’s inauguration. I told myself, as American presidents go, he was a good president. I waxed poetic […]

  100. Lynn
    January 23, 2017 at 9:44 am — Reply

    At the Miami rally I was delighted by the sign saying “Donald eres un Pendejo.” First, note the use of the familiar form. No respect/usted for that turd of glo-tan.

    PENDEJO might be the perfect honorific. Colloquially it means asshole. But literally it means a single public hair. And note! Starts with a P and has 3 syllables. That other 3-syllable-P-word has my heart and is married to Michelle. But i can say Pendejo Trump as often as necessary.

  101. Syd Kohlman
    January 23, 2017 at 10:55 pm — Reply

    Peter Pumpkinhead?

  102. […] Kendzior is an expert on authoritarian states, and she rightly predicted the Nectarine Nazi‘s rise when others were casting him aside as a laughable candidate, incapable of winning the […]

  103. Dixie
    January 25, 2017 at 7:47 pm — Reply

    When I don’t call it the Angry Yam, I settle for rump. No capitalization.

  104. Tori Jackson
    January 26, 2017 at 8:12 am — Reply

    Broken down jaundiced beast

  105. Patricia H
    January 28, 2017 at 1:45 am — Reply

    “a llamar al pan pan, y al vino vino”…this is brillant & made my day. Thank you for posting this truly awesome Handy Guide!

  106. Liz
    January 28, 2017 at 11:06 am — Reply

    #CHEETUS works on many levels.

  107. Ciaparo
    January 28, 2017 at 11:55 am — Reply

    The blathering yam. But mango Mussolini is better. Great article.

  108. January 29, 2017 at 1:11 pm — Reply

    […] the inauguration of Cheeto Voldemort as the President of United States of America; and the millions of marches worldwide that followed […]

  109. Georgia
    January 29, 2017 at 3:22 pm — Reply

    Oh I adore this article. After all the upset and fear, this was a refreshing burst of comedy (with a necessary undertone of OH MY GOD THE TRUMPSTERFUCK IS HAPPENING).

    One I’d like to add to the insult pile is “Wotsit Wanker”. We have these ‘crisp’-things (they’re made out of corn, like corn puffs), called Wotsits, and they’re bright orange, and they’re not even actually crunchy like a crisp should be, and they reek like unwashed feet, and they cover absolutely everything is gross orange dust. So. Wotsit Wanker it is. Or Tangoed Twitler (Tango is a type of orange soda, which used to run a series of adverts around the theme ‘You’ve been Tangoed’, in which various people would end up about as orange as Marmalade Mussolini himself), that works too.

  110. Noirprncess
    February 11, 2017 at 2:26 pm — Reply

    Here are a few more names:. SCROTUS (so called ruler of the US)

    King Orange (he wants to known as king, not President)

    Donald Twitler

    Donut Rump who’s was friends with Krispie Kreme (Chris Christie)

  111. Nicky Alkair Sundt
    February 15, 2017 at 4:45 pm — Reply

    I used the term SCROTUS for Trump before the election on 20 October 2016. “Hillary for POTUS. Trump for SCROTUS. #TransTheVote #transforhillary #imwithher #HillaryClinton ” See https://twitter.com/TransNicky/status/789122725591650305 . Unless you can find an earlier example, then I should be credited with first using the term for Trump.

  112. […] then America elected its id as President and my anxiety bloomed into full-fledged Weltschmerz. It’s taken me three months to find that […]

  113. […] could truly conquer the world because he had someone “that had his back” and could show WHITE AMERICA that she could control their interaction with him in a positive way.  His father was never in the […]

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *