AwardsMovies

The 2017 Oscars was at the Intersection of HELL YEAH & WTF!

The Academy Awards is an annual ritual in circle jerk, temporary elation and complete let down. If there’s anything you can count on, it’s that some underdog we’ve all been rooting for will win an award, while someone we absolutely abhor will too. We watch anyway, because try as we may, we can’t stay away. I watch it because of FOMO (fear of missing out), the ample material for jokes and to root for any Black people who happen to be nominated.

Besides, the Oscars is the most important night in film. What happens there matters for people’s pockets, because once you win, you automatically command more money and better roles. Unless you’re a Black woman who wins. Then, it might not move the needle much for you (see: Mo’Nique). But that’s another piece for another day.

Anywho, let’s talk about the HELL YEAHS first.

Janelle Monae

In which Janelle Monae showed up dressed to kill. Behold this beauty:

Janelle Monae Oscars 2017

The hair. The makeup. THE DRESS. THE COMPLETE UTTER SLAY. Janelle Monae is best-dressed for the event, hands down. You can’t tell me someone showed up looking better than this. When I saw her on that red carpet, I legit yelled “BIISSHHHHH WERKKK.” She looks like the most beautiful space robot who is here to save us all from tackiness. Janelle is lowkey rude for showing folks how they are just mere mortals compared to her. She ain’t have to do people like this. I just love the entire look. Janelle is forever everything.

Also, kudos to Janelle. Who stars in their first 2 movies and both films end up being the most beloved of the year, and nominated for Best Films? THE AMAZING SPACE ROBOT. Kontinu, my sista. May your jollof always be Naija jollof.

Mahershala Ali’s win

One of the first awards of the night was for “Best Supporting Actor” and I only had one person I was rooting for: Mahershala Ali. Not only has he been bae since he played Remy on House of Cards, everyone is spellbound by his performance in Moonlight. When they announced his name, I hollered! He is having the best week ever. His chocolate is as luxurious as ever, he just had a daughter 4 days ago, and he just won an Oscar. LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS MELANIN MELANATING ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Plus, this win made him the first Muslim actor to win an Academy Award. I am so freaking happy for him!

Viola Davis’ Win

“Fences” was an incredible film and I dare you to watch it without crying like your insurance rates went up. Viola Davis’ turn in the film based on the August Wilson play of the same name was an amazing performance. When you get on screen and cry til snot bubbles come out your nose, you have earned any and all awards coming your way. And being the consummate professional she is, Viola steps on any stage and steals the air in the room. Her speeches are perpetually profound, and she always speaks truth to power. When accepting her Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Fences, she dropped this gem:

You know, there’s one place that all the people with the greatest potential are gathered. One place and that’s the graveyard. People ask me all the time, what kind of stories do you want to tell, Viola? And I say, exhume those bodies. Exhume those stories. The stories of the people who dreamed big and never saw those dreams to fruition. People who fell in love and lost. I became an artist—and thank God I did—because we are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.

Gahtdamb! Viola is deeper than rap. She more than earned the award.

THIS DRESS, DOE!!! YESSS! REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

And in winning it, she became the first Black person to win an EMMY, TONY and OSCAR for acting. Whoopi Goldberg has an EGOT, but her Emmy is for hosting. Viola is a Grammy away from EGOT status, and now I’m obsessed with her getting one. She should write her memoir, voice the audiobook and get it that way.

I won’t even be TOO mad that this Oscar is for “Best Supporting Actress” when she was the lead woman in the film. ANYWAY.

Gary from Chicago

Honestly, the real winner of the Oscars was Gary from Chicago. When he walked in with the other tourists who were pulled off a bus and invited in, no one knew he’d steal the show. He was there with his fiancée, Vicki, and got the spotlight as he walked with Jimmy Kimmel, taking pics with celebrities. I think he stole our hearts when Jimmy asked him if he’s ignoring the white celebrities and he responded with “Yes I am.” Gary think he’s me.

He got pretend married by Denzel Washington, got to take a pic with Mahershala and his new trophy and then got offered all types of free things after the show ended.

Gary’s outchea winning like shit. Go forth and prosper!

Katherine Johnson tribute

It’s complete bullshit that Hidden Figures didn’t win any major awards during the night. And that Taraji P. Henson didn’t get nominated for “Best Actress.” But the evening did feature a tribute to the only figure still alive: Katherine Johnson.

She was a research mathematician for over 30 years at NASA, and was integral in getting the calculations that got John Glenn into orbit. Basically, she’s a real life superhero, and it is ridiculous that we are just learning about the work that she did. Mother Katherine is now 98 years old, and the standing ovation that she received was the least she should have gotten.

Because of HER, we can.

Moonlight winning Best Picture

This is a HELL YEAH that began as a WTF. People have not stopped talking about Moonlight since it hit theaters. So much so that it got re-released back into theaters after first run. The film is the first movie with a gay lead character to win “Best Picture.”

Welcome, Moonlight! A movie created, written, starring beautiful Black people talking about black queer love winning Best Picture? YES, GAWD. Congrats to Barry Jenkins and  Tarell Alvin McCraney!

This is a good segway into the WTF moments, because this win was preceded by the most epic gaffe the Oscars might have ever seen.

WTFs

La La Land’s Temporary Win

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were the announcers for the last award of the night: Best Picture. What had happened was that these two were given the wrong envelope to read from. They were given the one that had Emma Stone’s name on it, for her win for “Best Actress” for La La Land. So when they read “Best Picture” they read the name of the film under her name. Warren handed the envelope to Faye, and she did the honors of calling out the wrong movie.

The entire team from La La Land were onstage and giving thanks before someone caught it, thus making way for the most awkward moment in awards show history.

AWKKKWARRDDDDD

Somebody gotta get fired for this. This is the type of mistake that is just hard to come back from. La La Land had to take the La La Loss like a G.

To be honest, the way my petty is set up, I kinda enjoy this. It feels like some sort of revenge fantasy. As many times as white folks have pulled the rug from under us. THIS WAS OUR TIME. Sorry to all the egos hurt in this moment. Alls I know is, this moment is enough to make the 2017 show the most memorable one yet.

Casey Affleck’s win

Everyone has been talking about how Denzel Washington KILLED his performance in Fences. He also directed the film, so that awesomeness? He brought it out himself. Denzel has been the one chosen to win the “Best Actor” Oscar, because it is time for him to get another. His first, for Training Day, still makes people side-eye. THIS was his time. THIS was the role (since he ain’t get love for his Malcolm X portrayal). So on Sunday night, when the name that was read out loud was Casey Affleck, 1,000 angels got papercuts.

In what raggelly ass universe does Casey Affleck win over Denzel Washington? Oh yes. In the one where white men who are mediocre at best while flying under the “I’m a sexual assaulter” radar flourish over one of the most gifted actors of our time. The same one where the man who is sitting in the Oval Office is a raving misogynist. That world. WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR STRAIGHT WHITE MEN TO LOSE?!? I need to know!

Viola Davis is me.

Just BOOOOOOOO forever. BOOOO!!! And then seeing tears of disappointment in Denzel’s eyes? I wanted to run on stage and chop off Casey’s beard in revenge. It’s not fair, man.

Halle Berry’s hair

I’m not sure why Halle Berry showed up to the Academy Awards rocking your Grandma’s shouting wig. HOLLER BERRY. But I’m just mad someone told her it was okay. May we never have saboteurs around us, in Jesus name. Halle, cut that grass so you can see the snakes who don’t wish you well, girl.

After the fact, she tells us that it’s her natural hair. See, that ain’t the issue. I’m Team Natural too but you know what happens when I sleep on my hair and don’t de-tangle and moisturize? It looks like someone stuck a brillo pad on my hair. Natural doesn’t mean “un-styled” Halle. Don’t fool us with that propaganda. That is fake news.

I love me some Halleh Berrehs but she is flagrant for this. Why is the left side lopsided? Why does it look like it needs a good finger comb? Why is this Whitney Houston’s “Cinderella” wig, without taming? I expect more from her.

Her glam squad doesn’t wish her well. No weapons formed against Halle gon prosper. Help me say AMEN. Our sisthren ain’t gon go out like this, y’all. She’s come TOO FAR and is TOO FAHN for this hair to define her. Bless up.

Jimmy Kimmel name jokes

I haven’t seen it for Jimmy Kimmel for a while. Especially when he got on his show and cried over Cecil the Lions’s death. BRUH. Did you cry over Terence Crutcher? Trayvon Martin? Michael Brown? Eric Garner? No. But your raggelly ass is shedding tears over a killed lion. Cry me a river and drown. Jimmy got added to the lineup of slightly funny white dudes who get all the coins and TV shows. See also: Jimmy Fallon.

So him hosting the Oscars? Meh. I especially wasn’t here for the jokes he had about names that were ethnic, like Mahershala’s. The fact that he made the audience say his name instead of “SURPRISE” as the tourists came in is some dudebro shit. Same bit, when he was talking to an Asian woman whose name was Yulree, he shaded her too. Her husband’s name was Patrick and he said “Now that’s a name.” Don’t get chin-checked, Jimmy.

Lowest denominator comedy, from a guy whose humor is already milquetoast AF. WOMPPPP.

Hidden Figures didn’t win

This is just bullshit. Hidden Figures did not win any major awards. This is the film that has soared in box office for weeks! Critically acclaimed. Beloved. Inspiring. It centers the story of three Black women, doe. So you can see how it lost. Out of touch ass Academy members. I’m so over them.

Anywho, another year, another Oscars and they get another dragging. It’s our annual tradition. #OscarsSoWhite (shoutout to April Reign) still. And for those who want to fix their mouths to say “we just need to create our own.” I don’t have time to tell you how you need to shut your face so I’ma just go. This is already too long.

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19 Comments

  1. Titi
    February 27, 2017 at 11:42 pm

    They also messed up the in memorium by putting someone else’s picture beside the deceased name. If this was 2016 I would be worried for the person but it seems like the Grim Reaper is taking it a bit easy year.

  2. Lauren
    February 28, 2017 at 12:15 am

    This commentary deserves a AAA+++.
    I AGREEEEEEEE!!! IT IS EVERYTHING EVERY THING!

    Then came this:
    “To be honest, the way my petty is set up, I kinda enjoy this. It feels like some sort of revenge fantasy. As many times as white folks have pulled the rug from under us. THIS WAS OUR TIME. Sorry to all the egos hurt in this moment. Alls I know is, this moment is enough to make the 2017 show the most memorable one yet.” *sigh

    Epic!

  3. Darkrose
    February 28, 2017 at 12:37 am

    Someone on Twitter said Janelle Monae looked like a Final Fantasy summons. I would be starting fights right and left just to call on her for help and then stare in awe at how amazing she looked. She and Serena and Beyonce are the Triune Goddesses, hands down.

  4. Kay
    February 28, 2017 at 3:19 am

    Hunty,Yesssss! Just yessss to it all! So often Luvvie, you take the words out my mouth! I need to really check my family tree cuz I know Damn Well we related! My daddy used to be out in them streets back in the day too! Luvvie, don’t let me find out!! LOL..Seriously though, I adore you, you keep me laughing all the time. Keep doing what you doing!

  5. February 28, 2017 at 5:45 am

    I cannot watch all this. My heart breaks and soars too many times in too short of time. The recap, however, was dope.

  6. Sarah
    February 28, 2017 at 7:52 am

    Instead of cutting his beard, you would do more damage to Casey by throwing him in the shower with some soap cuz ewwww. The filth within is literally seeping out through his pores. In no universe is he even close to being worthy to be counter as a peer of Denzel. If that ain’t an illustration of white supremacy, I don’t know what is.

  7. MajorBedhead
    February 28, 2017 at 8:29 am

    Casey Affleck makes my skin crawl. He is a disgusting person.

    Janelle looked like a space-age Marie Antoinette. That dress, with the nod to panniers, was incredible.

  8. ynnon
    February 28, 2017 at 10:25 am

    If you know the Oscars then you know “they” cannot have black people prospering on all levels. No way they would have allowed melanin to be great by allowing us to win Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Supporting Actor. Hate that Denzel didn’t get the award. It’s like they deliberately try to placate us with these supporting awards. It is well.

  9. the hr dept
    February 28, 2017 at 11:20 am

    I wanted the sides of Janelle Monae’s dress to be rocket boosters. But what I NEED is Viola to get on that spoken word album with her speeches, recountings of convos with Meryl & Denzel, and whatever the Lord has placed on her heart to get that EGOT.

    • February 28, 2017 at 1:43 pm

      YES! She is a masterful speaker. I hung on her every word during every acceptance speech. I need her to get that EGOT so badly. Write her memoirs and record the audiobook, or some genius singer can include lines from her speeches into one of their songs (a la Beyonce with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in Flawless) and that song wins a Grammy. I don’t care HOW, just make it happen! lol

  10. Carricnh12
    February 28, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    As always your delivered the shade and petty in superb form.

    When Mahershala’s name was called I jumped up off the settee and screamed and cried, then when Ms. Viola got up there with her skin reflecting that red with the righteous fire within her , I applauded. THERE IS NO ONE who can deliver a speech that Vi, she can teach a class on oration. Whenever she speaks I feel as though I’m being educated on a subject I didn’t even know existed.

    From the moment Jimmy started on Mahershala’s name he was skating in the thin ice of my tolerance, then when he held up Sunny Pawar (too adorable 🤗), he cracked it and sank through, I was done with him, he was added to my cancelled list with Fallon, he treated drumpf as though he was a misunderstood child and misbehaving pet. After that all the Jimmys can suck salt.

    I was peeved beyond measure when casey won, there is NOW WAY that crud of humanity was better than Denzel Washington, went there looking all kinds of hemmed down and dragged up😑.

    I knew some foolery was afoot when Warren started to double check what he was seeing, but then Faye went and called ByeByeLand as the winner and I threw a fit, switched the channel and cried. I was officially done with the Oscar’s for life, but then I saw twitter was atwitter with people in disbelief, switched it back and screamed my apartment down. Oh it was such sweet victory, finally black people got to take something back from those who had no right with it in the first place. I was glad and petty with it, because lala land is the definition of white people claiming to have to struggle for something that wasn’t even that garden to do (Damien Chazelle at every ceremony). Now I’m suspicious of Emma and Casey’s win🤔

  11. February 28, 2017 at 12:06 pm

    I’ve been w a i t i n g on your recap for the LOLs, Luvvie! I thought the Oscars started out nice enough with that Justin Timberlake performance getting errbody loose. Even though I was judging myself for dancing along, cuz I’ve been side-eying him since Cry Me A River, and then the way he hung Janet out to dry… *glares at self while boogying in the chair* I was soooo happy for Mahershala, and Viola’s win sent me into such a racket I was sure my neighbours would have called the cops. All I needed was two Dutch pot covers to bang together, cuz that’s how we do in Jamaica. I shed tears of joy, I was so excited. And then that speech! *clutches chest and sniffles* I can’t believe some folks are all het up about the line about artists celebrating what it means to live a life. Out here accusing the Queen of being narcissistic when they’re the ones who didn’t listen or comprehend the rest of her speech, or what she’s been saying all awards season. I had to get on my blog and cuss, chile. Ijots.

    The La La Land/Moonlight mixup had me so confused. Warren was looking in that envelope for a second card cuz he knew something was wrong, and I think he showed it to Faye as if to ask “Am I wrong or is this wrong?” and she said “Man, you’re taking up too much time” and blurted out the name of the movie she saw. Why didn’t he just pause proceedings and say “I think I have the wrong envelope?” I was embarrassed for the La La Land producers, even though I chortled too. I wish the Moonlight team had gotten a few more seconds to get their shine on, but even though their win will always be mentioned in the same breath as The Snafu, no one can take those statuettes away from them.

    I’m also hella salty Denzel didn’t win, especially since he lost to that guy. The image of him sitting there with tears in his eyes haunted my sleep that night. And I’m also salty Ava didn’t win for 13th. I don’t think the Academy will ever give Ava an award because she’s seen as an agitator, she doesn’t kowtow to ANYBODY, and she’s not afraid of or awed by their ‘power.’ She don’t care. That ‘anonymous voter’ interview from the Selma campaign was pretty telling, imo. And I’m Dead Sea salty Hidden Figures didn’t win anything either. How the hell?!

  12. LIbby
    February 28, 2017 at 1:22 pm

    Denzel is one of the best actors hands down, irrespective of race, color, age, I haven’t seen fences yet, but I would bet any money that he is better in that than CA in Manchester. any money!

  13. Oceangift
    February 28, 2017 at 1:25 pm

    As usually you nailed it.
    P.s.S I’m giving your book to all as a holiday gift. Because folks can do better.

  14. Jeannie
    February 28, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    Printed out Viola Davis’ speech for my high school English class. Now they better understand what it means to give voice to the silenced and marginalized.

  15. notconvincedgranny
    February 28, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Imma need y’all to check the new Calvin Klein ad – with the men from Moonlight. I’m typing this from my fainting couch.

    Casey Affleck has been fighting sexual abuse charges for a couple of years. Brie Larson played a sex abuse survivor in Room, so she was not amused about presenting to the hirsute predator.

    And as a child of the 60s, I’m here for Halle’s side parted curly fro. That’s her hair people, not a wig. I am never gonna down a black woman for sporting her own natural style.

  16. Absurdist1968
    February 28, 2017 at 6:09 pm

    Re: supporting actress

    That was the award she was nominated for because that was the category she submitter herself in. I was chapped myself until somebody reminded me of that.

  17. Mary Burrell
    March 11, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    Casey Affleck nasty dumpster dive look and being a mediocre mofo trumps Denzel’s black excellence this is what happens at Oscars so white and Jimmy Kimmel is such an arse clown.

  18. March 16, 2017 at 10:48 am

    […] correctly? These are the same people who think it’s funny to disrespect Mahershala Ali by turning his name into an punchline. How dare you? The gall. The […]