Jack and His Colonialist Beanstalk
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a piece about how Goldilocks was Criming While White. It got me thinking about how some of the fairytales we’ve heard countless times really offer horrible lessons about their protagonists. Many of them were terrible people but somehow, they got to live happily ever after. I might be starting a “Fairytales Are Terrible” series. Or “Our Childhood was a lie” series.
We gotta talk about Jack and the Beanstalk. That’s another one that just never curled all the way over for me.
Jack was a boy who lived with his mother, and their town was going through a famine. All they had left to their name was a cow named Old Bess. After desperation sets in, his mom sends him to go sell the cow so they could buy some seed to grow some crop. On the way to the market, Jack meets an old man who tells him he has a deal for him. This is where his goofass started down the path of wrongness. In exchange for the cow, the man would give him three magic beans that he promises will grow to the sky by morning. And the return policy is that if it doesn’t, he’ll give him his cow back. Jack agrees to the sale. Although I’m not sure what receipts he has.
Jack takes his jolly ass home and tells his mom he traded the cow for three black eyed peas. Mama bursts into tears and Jack was shamed. He ran to his room and threw his tantrum by throwing the beans out the window.
Morning comes and Jack looks out the window. Sure enough, there is now a beanstalk that goes all the way up to the sky. Because he is team bad decisions, he decides to climb it into the clouds. There, he finds a castle. A giant woman pulls him in and says she’ll make him a good breakfast. She hands him milk and cheese when the house rumbles and her even more giant husband approaches the kitchen.
She hides Jack in a big pot and tells him that little boys are her husband’s fave snack (dirt must be his fave seasoning then. Little boys are filthy). He needs to wait til Gulliver takes a nap before he can leave. Hubby smells Englishman but she distracts him like “Hey boo. No you don’t. Eat this egg.” They happened to be golden eggs laid by a hen they own. The giant eats and then pulls out a golden harp when he finishes. The thing starts playing, and it lulls the giant to sleep.
Jack gets out the pot he’s been hiding in so he can leave. But he grabs the hen and the harp as he leaves the house. Because not only do you visit a stranger’s house but you steal as you go. The hen makes a noise and the giant wakes up. He looks around and sees they’re missing and he runs out the door. Meanwhile, Jack is running for his life down the beanstalk. The giant smells him and follows him down the beanstalk. Jack gets to the bottom, calls his mom to bring him an axe and then chops down the giant asparagus. The giant, who was on it, falls to his death.
Apparently, the singing harp thanked Jack for rescuing her from the closet of the giants. And the hen gained more weight because it was eating more carbs and Jack and his mama lived happily ever after.
BRUUUUUUUHHHH. Jack was such an asshole. That dude did not deserve nary a nice thing. First of all, he traded a whole cow for three beans. At the minimum, Old Bess coulda made a good ass dinner. Come on, beef! What if the beans were fake? What receipt did he have to get a refund? Where was he gonna find the weird old man? Who told him to be this dumb?
Then, the beanstalk sprouted. This goofy decided to climb it to the sky. This is the curiosity that horror movie victims are made of. You do not go exploring strange lands. NAWL.
But what is most terrible about Jack is how he treated the woman who welcomed him into her house. The lady giant was the biggest victim here. Sure, she shouldn’t drag random English boys in for breakfast but maybe she’s just really kind. She did, though, and she gave him breakfast and protected him from her husband. She shielded the boy from harm, and what did he do in return? He stole her things (the hen and the harp), he sent her husband into a rage, and then killed him.
Jack and the Beanstalk is colonialism in story form. You go to a place you don’t own, then pilfer and pillage it, and then kill the people. When all they offered you was hospitality and shelter. It’s the story of many African countries. It’s the story of the United States of America. It is the global tale of white people behaving badly. And then you think you were somehow helping the people even though you destroyed everything they hold dear. You do it without recourse. Jack and the Beanstalk is an English fairytale, which should make all the sense, considering the role that the United Kingdom has played around the world as perpetual Columbusses.
This is another fairy tale where I never really grasped the moral of the story. Was it to believe in little old men who promise you magic beans? Was it to go exploring boldly (and stupidly)? Was it “If you’re a white boy, you can do fuckshit without consequences?” I truly never understood what it was trying to tell us. Because Jack was a thief and a murderer. Yet we were supposed to cheer for his happy ending. Maybe this is why we should all aspire to have the confidence of a mediocre white man. It’s been foretold over and over again in random stories.
Jack and his beanstalk weren’t shit. DO NOT BE LIKE JACK. Cuz that dude was also criming while white.