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Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino is a Weapon of Mass Diabetes

Honestly, folks do not want us to have nice things, like long lives where we don’t struggle with the gout or an extreme case of “the sugars.” Folks like Starbucks, who just released a new drink called the Unicorn Frappuccino. It’s a limited edition offering, available nationwide until April 23.

This drink is nothing but a weapon of mass diabetes, because even looking at a picture of the thing makes me feel like I need to go detox. It is a frozen drink that is both sweet and sour and topped with some pink and blue sugars. According to the Starbucks site, it has milk, whipped cream, frappuccino syrup, mango syrup, pink powders, blue drizzle (WHET?), sour blue powders. Because someone’s 7 year old sweet-obsessed kid was allowed to create a recipe for a global food chain. It is basically the dreams of Hansel and Gretel and dentists who need to fund their new vacation homes come true.

It looks like teeth decay in a cup. The way my adult chompers are set up, they hurt at the sight of the Unicorn Frap. It looks like it tastes like red food dye, peppermint sticks and teeth fillings. I am not brave enough to find out what it really tastes like but a piece on the Washington Post says it tastes like “sour birthday cake and shame.” I trust them.

It doesn’t just LOOK sweet. The label of the Unicorn Frappuccino is available on the Starbucks website and it shows there are 76 grams of sugar in every 24 oz. cup.

Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino Label

WHY, LAWD???

It is basically a government tool created to rot us all from the inside. I think it’s some pharmaceutical company’s conspiracy to continue to profit off our collective pain cuz if we all drink this, surely we’ll need to be on some hard prescription drugs to reverse the effects. Folks gon need instant shots of insulin behind this.

SEVENTY-SIX. HOW IS THIS LEGAL? There’s gotta be some regulation against beverages that can cause you instant type 2 diabetes when you were previously a healthy human. Is the FDA busy? Can we wake them up? Oh. That ain’t how they work? FINE. No one should be drinking 76 grams of sugar in a small cup. I know that much. I feel like you’ll drink this and instantly turn radioactive and ensure that your body will never decompose since you will be now made of 76% preservatives. NOPE.

And by the way, it’s also 500 calories. As in when you drink the whole thing, you’ve consumed 1/4th of the calories you’re supposed to take in for 24 hours. And 79 grams of carbs? BRUH. NAWL. The power of Christ compels us all to rebuke this drink. I’m not the healthiest eater. My vice is eating white rice and pastas. Some people smoke, others drink. I eat too much rice. I prefer my unhealthy carbs to come with delicious stew and goat meat.

Anywho, it’s almost like Starbucks wants to kill us all. They don’t have to, though. We’ll all be dead of high blood pressure anyway by 2020 if Trumplethinskin remains our crappy overlord president.

Go home, America! You’re drunk and high on this unicorn trend. And go drink some water. Brush your teeth while you’re at it too. Let’s pretend this drink never happened.

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28 Comments

  1. Sheri
    April 19, 2017 at 10:58 pm

    I still think it’s malarkey of the highest order that they’re saying it’s “color changing,” but what they mean is you mix the blue and pink and it magically becomes purple.

    Let’s go back to kindergarten and the color wheel and not fall for these crazy things

  2. Melissa Givens
    April 20, 2017 at 1:18 am

    Ew. Just…ew.

  3. April 20, 2017 at 1:41 am

    I ain’t no punk. I am going in… my last will and testament is as follows: I bequeath the two businesses CH and DRH to my king and the two other businesses and possessions to my children to be shared equally… DNR! Cremate me, put me in a paper bag and throw me in the ocean…Amen and bless the unicorn drink at Starbucks!

    • Stace
      April 20, 2017 at 11:57 am

      Yup you kilt me…LOL

    • April 20, 2017 at 11:59 am

      Right there witchoo Sis! Meet you at the Pearly Gates on the nearest Starbucks !

    • April 20, 2017 at 12:14 pm

      I firmly believe that if you drink this and they cremate you, you turn into glitter. And then we can just do glitter body rolls in your honor. Which might be cool except for the whole “you’re dead” part. We need you around. DON’T DO IT!

    • Casey
      April 20, 2017 at 1:37 pm

      I went there yessaday, and might do it again ta-day! I ain’t skurd.

  4. April 20, 2017 at 6:53 am

    I think Starbucks is genius, they have everyone talking, arguing, posting pictures of their sugar-shock unicorn poop. I guess if people like it they can buy it; I’ve got a cup of coffee from the percolator on my kitchen counter and that suits me fine.

  5. Linda
    April 20, 2017 at 7:19 am

    I blame all the pumpkin spice drinks for this — that was the portal that the devil of candy-drinks opened for this thing to join us here on the mortal plane.

  6. April 20, 2017 at 7:33 am

    I’m sick so I don’t even have the strenght to laugh properly but you’ve had me sounding like a goat all along….

  7. a
    April 20, 2017 at 7:59 am

    I don’t know why anyone would even consider drinking this anyway.

  8. Connie
    April 20, 2017 at 8:10 am

    I can’t with you cousin! Dis two merch!!!!

  9. Andrea
    April 20, 2017 at 9:38 am

    Unless a REAL LIVE unicorn made the damn thing I gotta pass. Don’t nobody need extra sugars and an express pass to a Type 2 Diabetes foot amputation.

  10. Jess
    April 20, 2017 at 10:31 am

    My 3 yr old: Mom, why you do dis? *makes snorting noise*

  11. Arie
    April 20, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    I am HOWLING AT THE MOON with laughter!!! “It looks like teeth decay in a cup.” Looks like all the fairies, unicorns, and feminist leprechauns got together ate a rainbow and puked in a cup….Yeah…that’s a hard pass.

    Also, “Trumplethinskin”?!?! That is hilarious!!!

  12. Lorna
    April 20, 2017 at 12:18 pm

    A girl on The Twitter said this “tastes like orange trident gum and hot dog water.” I laughed off that the rest of the day and night, then woke up laughing again.

    I will NOT be trying this one. Why? Because I was talked into trying a Starbucks drink two weeks ago called Cotton Candy Frappuccino. After three sips, my head hurt and I FELT Diabetes forming so I threw it away. That’s about $4.61 worth of Frappuccino thrown away (shout out to Julian Rock from Everybody Hates Chris!).

    No. Just…No.

  13. Lisa Session
    April 20, 2017 at 12:23 pm

    I needed to get an insulin shot just from reading the article….And i’m not even diabetic!

    #chilenaw
    #keepthat
    #weaintdoinitovahere

  14. notconvincedgranny
    April 20, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    I tried it. Yeah, I’m still here. But I’m mad about it. It’s supposed to be mango flavored with the sweet flavor first, then the sour kicks in; it’s partly true. The person who said it tastes like hot dog water was spot on. Gaaaaaahhhtttt dang!

  15. Hannella
    April 20, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    Hi Awesomely Luvvie,
    I love pretty much everything you write, but I need to pipe up with a request. The “weapon of mass diabetes” joke is actually pretty harmful, and I ask you to rethink using diabetes as a punchline. I’m the mom of an amazing 8 year old who has Type 1 Diabetes. It’s an autoimmune disease that he got through no fault of his own. In addition to massive blood sugar swings, endless needle pricks, and the knowledge that he will have this for the rest of his life, he also endures rude comments from people who assume he got diabetes from eating poorly and/or lack of exercise. I also think this cup of liquid sugar is ridiculous, but can you make fun of it without making fun of a disease that is a struggle in any of its forms (Type 1, Type 2, gestational…). Much thanks from a mama bear fan of yours.

    • Alisha Thompson
      April 21, 2017 at 9:45 am

      1. You can get Diabetes from bad eating habits and it’s a real issue in the black community.
      2. Who in the world would make rude comments to an 8 yo about diabetes?

  16. Jenn
    April 21, 2017 at 6:20 am

    My take away from this article is you clearly no nothing about diabetes. It always kills me if someone were to joke about childhood cancer they’d get a new one ripped. But mention diabetes and you’re suddenly a comedian. It’s not cool nor funny, more like sad and ignorant. I challenge you to use these comments to learn more about diabetes. Use your abilities to help us spread awareness. You’ve got some amazing advocates on this page that would be a great asset.

  17. April 21, 2017 at 11:14 am

    This drink is NO WORSE than ANY other frappachino! In fact, it has LESS calories and sugar than the caramel frap, yet people are loosing their shit. Who gets a 24 ounce anyway???????????

  18. tr33B
    April 21, 2017 at 11:28 am

    Yes it’s fun to be counter trendy but honestly the nutrition information is nothing new, it’s just as bad as the rest of starbucks frappachinos. (The classic caramel frappichino can already have have 84g sugar in it)

    If you got the 16oz and skipped the whipped cream it’s maybe 250 calories and 60g sugar. Not good by any stretch, but consider a bottle of 20oz coke at 240calories and 65g sugar. How much more frequently do people drink soda than one of these?

  19. Pam
    April 21, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    Has someone notified the UN Security Council yet about our new Weapon of Ass Construction?!

  20. April 22, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    So true! Any drink that resembles “my little pony” can’t be good for you. Although a small part of me still wants to try it…

  21. April 23, 2017 at 7:31 am

    It’s no worse than soda, juice, or other sugary drinks, so don’t blame the unicorns!
    https://asweetlife.org/in-defense-of-the-unicorn-frappuccino/

  22. Mary Burrell
    April 23, 2017 at 7:32 pm

    This Unicorn 🦄 frappucchino is some nastiness.

  23. DuPree
    April 24, 2017 at 3:32 pm

    I am a recently diagnosed diabetic and I will have no truck with this kind of foolishness – never did. I was always a salty crunchy snacker – complex carbs, baby.

    Why people even ingest this kind of super sweet nonsense is beyond me. I had to go lie down after seeing this. Just no.