The NATO G7 Summit Group Texts We Won’t Get To See
In how many countries and at how many occasions can the Fanta Fascist thoroughly embarrass himself and therefore us American citizens? Because, so far this week we have at least 4. The NATO G7 Summit began yesterday and the idiot with our nuclear codes showed up and showed out in the worst ways from start to finish. Acting a complete donkey ass mess.
Now we gotta write our Pen Pals across the world long apology letters because that imbecile does not have any act right.
So I got to thinking. I bet there’s a WhatsApp group text with all the leaders of the NATO G7 Summit, and they didn’t invite Mango Mussolini because they can’t stand his ass and they just wanna talk mad shit about him so they can get through these meetings.
WhatsApp Group Name: Squadding Up NATO Style
Italy: These meetings are draggingggg. Why does America keep talking?
Japan: Because he likes hearing his own voice?
Germany: Did you see when he shoved Montenegro out the way?
Canada: Yeah, I saw it. It was… interesting.
Italy: Yo, I totally saw that. WTF was that?
Japan: Some bullshit, that’s what.
France: Is this how he acts all the time?
Germany: Like a giant, soft dick? Yes.
United Kingdom: Maybe he was just trying to do a friendly pat on the back?
Italy: What I REALLY didn’t like was how he tried to lecture us about not paying our dues.
Germany: Don’t act like you’re Sallie Mae and we haven’t paid our student loans in a long time! Disrespectful.
America 44: Hey you guys. I thought I removed myself from this group text in January.
Canada: Yeah, I re-added you. I miss you, bro.
America 44: Aawww miss you too. See you this summer though. We’re totally doing the jetskis thing.
Canada: Absolutely. Cannot wait!
America 44: Wait. Did you all not add America 45 in here?
Germany: Hell no we did not. He can’t sit with us.
America 44: *cackles* Y’all are the pettiest!
European Union: We regret nothing.
Italy: HEY AMERICA 44!!! How are you? Whatcha been up to?
America 44: Great! Writing this book. Getting this luxurious tan. Not giving a fuck.
Japan: I see you’re doing all this vacay. We’re waiting on you so we can show you a good time!
America 44: Soon, Japan! You know I love it there. I might bring the girls too.
UK: HEY BRO! Good to hear from you.
Germany: Please send Michelle our regards!
America 44: I will! Bye, folks! *leaves group*
France: Good guy! I would have loved to work with him.
Japan: Yeah, the douchebro in his place is the worst. I saw him have a handshake battle with you, France.
France: IT WAS SO WEIRD. What is up with him? Also, why are his hands so little and sweaty?
Germany: Because he can’t HANDle us. BADUMTSS. I’M HERE ALL NIGHT FOLKS.
UK: LMAOOO. I hate that I’m laughing.
*Trump interrupts them in real life*
America: So whatcha all doing after the Summit?
Canada: Ummm… I’m washing my hair. That’s all.
France: Yeah… I told my wife we’d have long distance game night. We’re playing solitaire at the same time, across countries.
Japan: Well… I’ll be tucking my kids in over Skype.
Italy: You know, Dear White People is on NetFlix now and I haven’t watched it yet.
European Union: I… I’m gonna go work on a Teleplay I started a few months ago. On BREXIT.
Germany: *looks Trump dead in the eyes* I’m going out.
*Back in the WhatsApp text*
Canada: GERMANY YOU BETTER NOT TELL HIM WHAT WE’RE UP TO TONIGHT
Germany: I’m not. Fuck that guy. I dare him to ask me where I’m going, after he called us evil.
America: So UK, you and me take on the town?
UK: *looks down* I have to send my accountant my tax documents so she can file them. I’ll be working on that tonight.
*Back in the WhatsApp text*
Japan: Nice one, UK. I was worried about you for a second. Remember the first rule of Fight Club. We do not talk about fight club! Or the NATO afterparties we’re going to. Not in front of America.
UK: I feel kinda bad lying to him like this.
European Union: You’ll be fine.
Italy: Cool. So let’s meet at 7pm behind the Conference Center.
France: I can’t wait to get out this suit!
Canada: Look. Wear comfortable shoes you can dance in. NO ONE IS SITTING DOWN TONIGHT.
Germany: Ready. P.S. Fuck this guy.
Japan: Tonight will be fun!
Germany: BTW, there will be a bouncer at the door just in case he somehow finds out. They’ve been given one instruction: If you see a tall Oompa Loompa, do not let him in.
*Elsewhere later that day*
America: NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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