Politics

The NATO G7 Summit Group Texts We Won’t Get To See

In how many countries and at how many occasions can the Fanta Fascist thoroughly embarrass himself and therefore us American citizens? Because, so far this week we have at least 4. The NATO G7 Summit began yesterday and the idiot with our nuclear codes showed up and showed out in the worst ways from start to finish. Acting a complete donkey ass mess.

NATO G7 Leaders

Now we gotta write our Pen Pals across the world long apology letters because that imbecile does not have any act right.

So I got to thinking. I bet there’s a WhatsApp group text with all the leaders of the NATO G7 Summit, and they didn’t invite Mango Mussolini because they can’t stand his ass and they just wanna talk mad shit about him so they can get through these meetings.

WhatsApp Group Name: Squadding Up NATO Style

Italy: These meetings are draggingggg. Why does America keep talking?

Japan: Because he likes hearing his own voice?

Germany: Did you see when he shoved Montenegro out the way?

Trump push nato

Canada: Yeah, I saw it. It was… interesting.

Italy: Yo, I totally saw that. WTF was that?

Japan: Some bullshit, that’s what.

France: Is this how he acts all the time?

Germany: Like a giant, soft dick? Yes.

United Kingdom: Maybe he was just trying to do a friendly pat on the back?

Japan: HAHAHAHANO.

Italy: What I REALLY didn’t like was how he tried to lecture us about not paying our dues.

Germany: Don’t act like you’re Sallie Mae and we haven’t paid our student loans in a long time! Disrespectful.

America 44: Hey you guys. I thought I removed myself from this group text in January.

Canada: Yeah, I re-added you. I miss you, bro.

America 44: Aawww miss you too. See you this summer though. We’re totally doing the jetskis thing.

Canada: Absolutely. Cannot wait!

America 44: Wait. Did you all not add America 45 in here?

Germany: Hell no we did not. He can’t sit with us.

cant sit with us

America 44: *cackles* Y’all are the pettiest!

European Union: We regret nothing.

Italy: HEY AMERICA 44!!! How are you? Whatcha been up to?

America 44: Great! Writing this book. Getting this luxurious tan. Not giving a fuck.

Japan: I see you’re doing all this vacay. We’re waiting on you so we can show you a good time!

America 44: Soon, Japan! You know I love it there. I might bring the girls too.

UK: HEY BRO! Good to hear from you.

Germany: Please send Michelle our regards!

America 44: I will! Bye, folks! *leaves group*

France: Good guy! I would have loved to work with him.

Japan: Yeah, the douchebro in his place is the worst. I saw him have a handshake battle with you, France.

France: IT WAS SO WEIRD. What is up with him? Also, why are his hands so little and sweaty?

NATO WTF faces

Resting WTF is Wrong with this Guy Faces.

Germany: Because he can’t HANDle us. BADUMTSS. I’M HERE ALL NIGHT FOLKS.

UK: LMAOOO. I hate that I’m laughing.

*Trump interrupts them in real life*

America: So whatcha all doing after the Summit?

Canada: Ummm… I’m washing my hair. That’s all.

France: Yeah… I told my wife we’d have long distance game night. We’re playing solitaire at the same time, across countries.

Japan: Well… I’ll be tucking my kids in over Skype.

Italy: You know, Dear White People is on NetFlix now and I haven’t watched it yet.

European Union: I… I’m gonna go work on a Teleplay I started a few months ago. On BREXIT.

Germany: *looks Trump dead in the eyes* I’m going out.

*Back in the WhatsApp text*

whatsapp-motion

Canada: GERMANY YOU BETTER NOT TELL HIM WHAT WE’RE UP TO TONIGHT

Germany: I’m not. Fuck that guy. I dare him to ask me where I’m going, after he called us evil.

*Real time*

America: So UK, you and me take on the town?

UK: *looks down* I have to send my accountant my tax documents so she can file them. I’ll be working on that tonight.

*Back in the WhatsApp text*

Japan: Nice one, UK. I was worried about you for a second. Remember the first rule of Fight Club. We do not talk about fight club! Or the NATO afterparties we’re going to. Not in front of America.

UK: I feel kinda bad lying to him like this.

European Union: You’ll be fine.

Italy: Cool. So let’s meet at 7pm behind the Conference Center.

France: I can’t wait to get out this suit!

Canada: Look. Wear comfortable shoes you can dance in. NO ONE IS SITTING DOWN TONIGHT.

Germany: Ready. P.S. Fuck this guy.

Japan: Tonight will be fun!

Germany: BTW, there will be a bouncer at the door just in case he somehow finds out. They’ve been given one instruction: If you see a tall Oompa Loompa, do not let him in.

Italy: Perfect.

*Elsewhere later that day* 

America: NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

trump golf fail


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35 Comments

  1. May 26, 2017 at 11:38 am

    I’m here for all of Japan’s replies, LMBO!!!

  2. Monica
    May 26, 2017 at 11:39 am

    Epic, just epic 🤣🤣🤣🤣👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

  3. Jenny Burden
    May 26, 2017 at 11:39 am

    Germany: *looks Trump dead in the eyes* I’m going out.

    LMAOOOOOO

  4. Sandra
    May 26, 2017 at 11:43 am

    Yo! I can’t stand you lol. I totally forgot for a second that this was not screenshot and sent to you!

  5. Michele
    May 26, 2017 at 11:44 am

    The cameo appearance from Barack knocked me the hell out, because you know he probably gave them all his private cell number at some point to offer advice or to let them vent about Twitler.

  6. Renee
    May 26, 2017 at 11:45 am

    France: Is this how he acts all the time?
    Germany: Like a giant, soft dick? Yes.

    The image of THATALONE… I knocked my water bottle off the desk for that…

    I’m here for the foolishness that is 45.

  7. S.P.
    May 26, 2017 at 11:59 am

    I’m all the in with this level of pettiness!!! When my president, Barack Obama, showed up in the group text, I hollered.

  8. Dee L. Collins
    May 26, 2017 at 12:01 pm

    I have straight choked and hollered. You are bestes!!!

  9. AJBIllings
    May 26, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    If you see a tall Oompa Loompa, do not let him in. – *dead*

  10. May 26, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    I died that America 44 was added to the chat! 😂😂😂

  11. Julia
    May 26, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    Germany is deadass how Angela Merkel would respond. Like, just TRY me, 45, I’m done explaining basic shit that you ougha know to you. Just get out.

    • May 26, 2017 at 1:03 pm

      I was so reading the replies seeing her face. I’m sure she may have said some of the same things under her breath.

  12. Theresa Heintz
    May 26, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    The U.K.’s comment about their taxes was Yeti petty!

    • TxBirdy
      May 28, 2017 at 8:28 pm

      Yes ma’am.

    • Silk!
      June 1, 2017 at 10:49 pm

      I just realized that ALL their replies were hella petty.

      Except Germany. Just straight and to the point.

  13. Carla
    May 26, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    I hate you so much right now! I almost peed myself! Do you hear me? I am have cackled so loud in here.

    • Carla
      May 26, 2017 at 12:27 pm

      I cant even type right cause i am still laughing

  14. detroit skater
    May 26, 2017 at 12:38 pm

    this is the best! when 44 chimed in thinking he had removed himself and Canada was like naaa I added you back….lawd i LOL for real….

  15. Belinda M. Cunningham
    May 26, 2017 at 12:59 pm

    This. Was. Everything!

    I mean ever-ra-damn-thing!

  16. Karen
    May 26, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    I am totally telling myself that this is an actual transcript.

  17. Lorna G.
    May 26, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    iCan’t.
    iWon’t.
    iShan’t.
    Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaa haaaaaaaa!!!!
    GIRL, you are crazy as hell and I love you for it!!! WhyForHowCome was I hearing each text in the accent of the person tho!? I can’t stop laughing at this.

    And, this one right here did me in permanently…

    “Italy: HEY AMERICA 44!!! How are you? Whatcha been up to?
    America 44: Great! Writing this book. Getting this luxurious tan. Not giving a f**k.”
    i’m done. #HereLiesMe

  18. Drea
    May 26, 2017 at 2:31 pm

    This is HILARIOUS! Luvvie you never disappoint. I needed this laugh. 😂😂

  19. Shannyn
    May 26, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    He’s treating this trip like a nine day d!€k measuring contest, and he is losing.

    #HeActsLikeACharmSchoolDropout

  20. CookieB
    May 26, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    Shannyn – You are my petty model! “a nine day dick measuring contest, and HE IS LOSING!. I fell off my chair. #ICannotEverAgain #IHaveSerialTears

  21. Robyn
    May 26, 2017 at 6:21 pm

    The little sweaty hands.

    I die.

  22. notconvincedgranny
    May 26, 2017 at 6:31 pm

    I wish everytime 45 steps into a room everything would fall silent. But he would interpret that as awe instead of awwwwdamn.

    • KDAV
      June 1, 2017 at 9:14 am

      NotConvincedGranny – Thank you for adding to the snickering coming from my cube…I needed each of these tears today… I am officially #DEAD… and if I keep reading I might be officially #FIRED! iCANT even with ya’ll LuvvNation….I needs these coins!!

  23. NiceW
    May 26, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    Bwahaha!!!! This gives me so much life!

  24. Siima
    May 26, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    When Barack showed up I died!! This is brilliant!

  25. Denise
    May 27, 2017 at 11:33 am

    Um. Don’t be surprised if that tight G7 security comes a-knocking because this actually happened and they tryna figure out how YOU got the receipts!! HILARIOUS!!!

  26. May 27, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    pure gold

  27. Dee
    May 28, 2017 at 6:52 am

    Luvvie, that photo with the beyond pained expressions of the other NATO leaders makes me laugh every time I see it….!

    I can only agree with DNLee….this piece of yours is pure gold!

  28. Ruthie
    May 30, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    See I’m all for this convo. I just don’t see Germany and the EU being ok with the UK down in the club too. UK probably gets all the side eyes when she’s not looking.
    Doesn’t stop it from being hilarious. I need more of these.

  29. […] The NATO G7 Summit Group Texts We Won’t Get To See (Awesomely Luvvie, May 26, 2017) […]

  30. June 2, 2017 at 4:56 pm

    Am I the only one that got teary when Canada said to 44, “I miss you, bro.”? I. Am. Not. Over. It!!!!