Politics

Because Those Who Voted for Trumpcare Deserve Petty Prayers

Last week, the hapless hoodlums who make up the House Republicans voted to pass the American Healthcare Act (AHCA) aka Trumpcare. If you have a pre-existing condition, insurance companies are not required to cover you, and if they cover you, they can charge you thousands of dollars for simple treatments. Most Americans will not be able to afford healthcare. ANDDDDD what’s a pre-existing condition? Everything.

AHCA Pre-existing Condition

Everything is a condition that can cause you to be exempt from healthcare. Acne. Heartburn. ANY MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. PREGNANCY.

Too long: didn’t read version of Trumpcare? If you’re not rich, just die already. Seriously. Being a human is a pre-existing condition. Breathing is one. Pregnancy, though?? Do these people plan on populating the Earth through babies grown in mechanical wombs? What is happening? How is this a thing? Everything is stupid and nothing makes sense.

What’s interesting is how testicular cancer and erectile dysfunction are not on this list. Because the slack-jawed yokels who stood behind the Tyrant in Chief and proudly participated in the circle jerk looked like all their peens haven’t had to work since the first World War. Looking like when they come, dust comes out. This group of sorry excuses for humans. The kind that shows that evil is real and we must use all the good in us to vanquish them. All these idiots with the faces for radio.

These men look like what happens when Satan sneaks into God’s workshop for a day and has a good time. He snuck out with his creations and it was too late for them to be stopped. They are the faces of hate and I want all their corneas to be scratched.

Trumpcare Republicans

I wish terrible things upon the Republicans who voted for Trumpcare.

May their papercuts be deep and plentiful, and unable to be located.

May they always step on legos in the middle of the night.

May their knees hit the sharp edge of the bed everyday.

May popcorn get stuck in their teeth and no amount of flossing dislodges it.

May they get charged fees they can’t figure out why.

May their phones never hold battery charge.

May their computers crash often, and their data backups fail.

May their pizza always burn the roof of their mouths.

May they need root canals frequently.

None of these people deserve good things. I need their lives to be an inconvenienced as they are wishing ours will be. Let us touch and agree, and say amen to these petty prayers. AAAAA-MENNN!

My people on Facebook had their own prayers to add to it.


Judith: May all these things be considered “pre-existing conditions” so their healthcare gets dropped!!!

Linda: May their bags of jellybeans always be disproportionately licorice.

Christian: No matter how much they wipe, let their hinies never be clean.

Judith: May they hit every single red light.
May their underwear always ride up.
May they always have a hair in their eye they can’t find.
May every book they read be missing the last chapter.
May their cable/internet go out right when their team is about to score or at the climax of every movie/TV show they watch.
May all their partners leave them for someone younger, richer, smarter, and better looking.
May every splinter they get be under the fingernail.
May they swallow a bee that flew into their pop.
May their children grow up to be Democrats.

Maritza: And may all continue to be limp no matter how much Viagra they take!

Amy: Except for 1% of the time, when they experience an erection lasting four or more hours and have to go to the emergency room.

Ashley: May they develop odd metabolic disorders that cause them to always smell like turnips and feet.

Jonathan: May their chronic halitosis develop its own case of chronic halitosis.

Marki: May they suffer from ingrown toenails and earwax balls.

Linda: May the toilet paper they find to use when having explosive diarrhea turn out to be one ply.

Gabriel: And may they only manage to tear one sheet at a time every time they go to wipe!

Liz: May their gas register empty immediately as gas goes up $.20 a gallon, and come down the day after they fill their tank.

Nereida: I’m thinking impotence, stepping on dog shit everyday, snot on their sandwiches, no teeth, passing gas at the very site of a woman, did I mention impotence. I can go on and on.

Phor: May all their papercuts be on their genitals so every piece of urine and sweat burns, stings, brings them to unstoppable tears.

Jonathan: May their appliance repairman, scheduled to arrive sometime between noon and 4, show up at 3:59 — only to discover he has to order the part that won’t arrive for two weeks!!!

Karen: Also may I be their nurse when they come in for procedures involving needles.
May they grow warts in unseen places.
May they not get enough anesthesia.
May their hip replacements go in backward.

Sanshika: May they never, ever taste another pink Starburst in their lifetimes. May they forever get heart burn that antacids can’t do nuthin’ about. May they stub their baby toe each and every day of their lives on the same damn corner of their bed without explanation. May that *one* fly follow every food they put to their lips. May they ALWAYS run out of toilet tissue when they use ANY toilets.

Kay-Kay: May they forever hear the sound of a mosquito buzzing near their ear and never be able to find it.

Chanel: We need to create a group called the Sophia Petrillo Coalition Against Stupid Republicans. AMEN.

Kia: May their DVR always malfunction and the wifi refuse to connect.
May their porn always be buffering.
May birds target their shoulders for morning poops everyday everywhere.
May every show they enjoy be canceled mid-season with a cliffhanger.
May every Viagra usage require a hospital trip for the erection that won’t go away.
May ever hooker they hire have the clap.
May the roads their chauffeured cars ride on be full of indictable pot holes and always have Rogue nails destined to find their tires.

Andrea:  May they lose their jobs and not find another. May they have to work retail and fast food with no benefits. May they work double and triple shifts with aching feet and backs. May they get sick but still have to work because they don’t have PTO.

Kathi: May they always wake up 2 minutes before their alarm goes off.
May they get all the crazy side effects they warn you about for every drug but don’t think could really happen.
May it always rain 20 minutes after they wash their car.
May their dogs always hump their legs and butt scoot across their floors.
May their smoke alarm batteries always die in the middle of the night and wake them out of sound sleep.

Stacey: May their tires repeatedly pick up stray nails. And may forever their orange juice have more pulp than juice.

Lillian: May every cat in 200 mile radius congregate in their yards, under their windows, and commence to loudly copulating JUST as they drop off to sleep, EVERY time they are nearly asleep, MULTIPLE times a night, EVERY night, in perpetuity. And may they never see the cats, may their traps never work, may no one else hear the cats, and may there be cat jizz on their windshields daily.

Amy: May those kitties shit in their newly planted gardens, may their noses not smell the shit, may they did in and get the shit under their nails… and nary a brush to scrub it out.

Andrette: May they have a never ending bout of severe hiccups. May they have severe underwear wedgies that require a doctors removal with ointment laced in rubbing alcohol. May they have hemorrhoids they size of footballs with an insane urgency to have several seats. May they have a bad case of halitosis that no dentist, doctor or the strongest bottle of Listerine can reverse. Ok I could go on and on! #resist

Arlovely: May they all have in-grown toe nails, and boils on their inner thighs! Touching and agreeing!! In the name of pettiness…. AMEN!

Taye: May they constantly hit their funny bone.

May they all get gout.
May they all itch in places they can’t reach on their back.
May their inner ear itch constantly.
May they get explosive diarrhea in public places.

Jenee: May they develop allergies to ice cream, chocolate, sugar, and coffee.
May their Christmas lights always have one section that stays unlit.
May all of their charger cords break.

Emily: My two grandmothers each had her own favorite curse. Grandma Ruthie would say “May they get hemorrhoids!” Grandma Betta would say “May they get what they deserve!” I am wishing both of these curses upon the Trumpcare-voting Republicans today.

Greta: May they ALL get “catfished” by some random dude overseas and send all of their money to him, thinking he is a girl named “Tiffany.”

Cheryl: May their shoelaces always come undone. May their pools always be closed for maintenance. May their grandkids ask how America is great when Jordan’s mom can’t get insulin. May their voters remember the betrayal in 2018.

Jen: May their streaming video always be buffering. May toddlers with Cadbury Creme eggs invade their cars. May their doorways lower themselves just to forehead level.

Jenn: They should never feel safe going to a restaurant, ever, anywhere, to be served by the very people they hold such disdain for.

Margaret: May their newly purchased fruit be rotten inside every time; may they step on a Lego piece daily upon getting out of bed; and may their hot water always run out before their shower.

Kelly: May their prescriptions not fix their ailments. And may those prescriptions rise in price to match that of their mortgage.

Margaret: May they always get behind the person buying one of each lottery ticket in the Corner Pantry when they are in a huge hurry. May all of their drive thru orders at McDonald’s be missing the fries.  May the entire cup of ice come crashing down on their face every time they take a sip of iced tea in public. May their bunions grow back after surgery. May they be on the next section of I-85 in Atlanta when it collapses.

Jessica: And when they stand before a scowling St. Peter, may they all stammer, “So, you’re saying that lowering taxes for rich folk doesn’t count?”

Marlana: May they have a constant tickle in their throats. May their eyelashes always fall in their eyes. May they get pimples on their noses before every photo. May they get the bubble guts every day.

LaRita: May their plantar fascias inflame in both feet, causing massive bone spurs and waking daily with no sensation in their feet. May they each get massive skin cysts on their forehead requiring Dr. Pimple Popper’s service with no anesthetic since they are allergic to it.

Kedrin: May their DVRs consistently start 5 minutes late and end 7 minutes early, and may they never capture live shows or sporting events.

Sophie: May they step on their – and any other – garden rakes and smash their faces. May they always step on the plug prongs. May their dicks get caught in a blender.

Rosen: May their edges grow in slightly and then shed into shiny skin spots.
May that one black fly always find their wine.
May their connection always be slightly too weak.
May there always be one square of toilet paper after they have stomach upset.
May their water always be salty.
May one contact lens always scratch a little.
May their phone screen spiderweb for no reason.
May the vegetarians always receive food tainted with pig fat, the Celiacs with gluten, and the carnivores receive Brussel Sprouts on a bun with mayonnaise.
May their toenail always snag their socks.
May their manhood always point too far south at the moment of climax.
May their water pitchers always be cloudy and their coffee tepid.
And may the skies erupt in torrential rain when they choose to walk without an umbrella.

Courtney: May they get internal and external hemorrhoids (definitely a pre-existing condition) that no amount of Preparation H or Tucks or inflatable donuts can soothe.

Julia: I pray that they see the horror they’ve wreaked upon America and endlessly suffer with the guilt of victimizing our weakest……..also may they have to work in broke down high heels, too tight pants in a day care with no air conditioning in the middle of August in Kansas.

Gwen: I wish all the the men that voted for Trump have a blind urologist with huge hands so that when you bend over and cough, his hands actually cover your mouth. As for the women, may you have an unexplained stinking discharge that is so foul-no doctor can treat it.

Kevin: May they pass several kidney stones every 6 months.
May they contract herpes from the love of their life.
May they always pump a full tank of gas only to drive 5 minutes and find it 6 cents cheaper at the next gas station.

Carol: Skip hitting their knees on the side of bed. How about they hit their pinky toe on the side of a metal bed frame. That there will drop them dead in their tracks.

Leteshia: May their food stay ice-cold in the middle after they microwave it.
May their blankets come untucked from around their feet in the coldest hours of the night.
May their skin resist all attempts at moisturization.
May their mail/daily paper end up in the mailbox of the neighbor who hates them and has the largest dog in the neighborhood.
May their rice and potato salad be ever crunchy.
May their zippers get stuck at the halfway mark and cause them constant embarrassment.

Didi: May they fly United and Delta when the flights are overbooked!!
May they have explosive diarrhea at sporadic times every day.
May they get ingrown pubic hairs that won’t go away.
May they be put into a room of two year olds who ask WHY all day long.
May all their Starburts be YELLOW!
May they be subjected to prostate exams by a doctor with VERY large hands and fingers.
May they be hospitalized and treated by only Muslim, Mexican or Black medical staff (racists bastards).
May their side chicks get pregnant and denied coverage for pre-existing conditions.

Shaun: May they develop an allergy to their favorite food. May they develop cystic acne inside their left nostril. May a squirrel vomit on their shoes every day. May they wake up every morning 36 minutes before the alarm goes off for no reason and only fall back to sleep after 28 minutes have passed. May they always itch in the spot on their back they can’t quite reach. May they dream that they are royalty during the French revolution every night.

Katie: May their Fitbits die early into a long day of walking. May they not realize this until much later that evening.
May all of their coffee lids be leaky forevermore. Amen.

Vanessa: May they repeatedly get a pilonidal cyst (cyst on the tailbone) so that they have issues sitting on their asses. May they also get everlasting ingrown toenails on all 10 toes.

Cathi: May they be cursed with chronic, explosive diarrhea, and may their stink follow them wherever they go for the rest of their miserable lives.

Lilia: May they hunger for Mexican food and NEVER be able to taste it when it passes their lips. May every beer they drink be flat and lukewarm. May every avocado be too ripe or too green. May every margarita they sip be too watery and lacking any salt. May they go on vacation to any beach destination and have it rain every day. In Jesus Mexican Christ we trust.

Tracy: May they get stuck driving behind every person making a left turn who didn’t turn on their blinker.
May they go to the grocery store and remember the main thing they came to buy as they are checking out.
May they go into a room and forget what they went into the room for…over and over.
May they leave the house and wonder if they left the stove on.

Kiisha: May they forever drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
May the women get incurable BV
May the men have prostates like balloons
May they forever accidentally drive into the wrong parking lot and be forced to pay to get out
May their lane in heavy traffic always be the one that doesn’t move

Evan: May they wake up in the middle of the night with a full bladder and a carpet of factory-fresh LEGOs between them and the bathroom.

Sarah: May they try to load the next episode of a cliffhanger show on Netflix only to be told “we’re having trouble playing this title right now” every time.

Cynica: May their cell phones never stay on silent and ALWAYS ring loudly and play Pony by Ginuwine no matter where they are (church, meetings, in session).

Shannon: May fruit flies always drown in their wine. May their coffee always be the wrong temperature and their preferred creamer curdled. May they always have that one itch they can’t reach. May their pens always run out during meetings, and no one has a spare. May their windshield wipers always leave streaks of bird shit.

Erika: May their first sip of coffee always burn their mouths, no matter how long they let it cool.
May their beer always be too warm.
May they have an eyelash in their eyeball that they can’t get out.
May they always wake up 2 minutes before the alarm.

Carolyn: May their finger nail always be dirty.
May their designer suits always be wrinkled.
May their wives always be too tired.
May their mistresses always say no, I want a new house.
May their emails always get hacked.
May their knées always be knocked.
May they always have hemorrhoids.
May their teeth always be green.
May they have to chit, real bad when they get stuck in traffic on the freeway at 5:00.
And, last but not least, may their grandsons all look like Barack Obama.

Kat: May their hemorrhoids always be itchy and unscratchable.
May their porn give them and their computers viruses.
May their computers tell everyone what kind or porn they watch.
May they be made to feel what their victims felt all day, every day.

Sheila: May every pair of shoes they buy rub sores on the back of their ankles, may their testicles sag so low that their knees rub sores on them, may they pass loud gas for every five steps they take, and may they forever have anal leakage.

Stacy: May their ears never pop after coming down in the airplane.
May they pull a muscle every day.
May their proctologist have immensely large fingers.
May they lose their keys and phone in their house every single day.
May their car battery die every time it rains and nobody will give them a jump.
May they have a mouth full of canker sores and drink a strong glass of lemonade.

Amy: May their radios play nothing but Yanni and elevator music no matter how many times they change the station. May the person in front of them on the plane always take NyQuil, lean the seat all the way back, and pass out for the entire flight. May they never be able to find their sunglasses. May every dish with cilantro taste like soap. May they get sprayed by a car going through a puddle every time they wait at a corner. May there never be crullers at their doughnut shop. May their cats puke on their pillows. May their dogs crap on the rug just out of reach behind the sofa.

Heather: May they always forgot they chopped jalapeño before touching their eyes. May their farts be unexpectedly liquid, and in public.

Angie: May they get robo-calls on their cellphone.
May their friends always forget their birthdays.
May they look far older than they are.
May their kitchen counters be overrun with cockroaches.
May it rain directly after they have finally hand-washed their car.

Tacola: May they always have something in their shoe. May their bra underwire always be itchy and poking.

Phyllis: May their browsing histories not delete on time when they hear footsteps.

Tracey: May their crotches be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels and their arms too short to scratch.

Shantel: May a noisy cricket become a squatter in their office.
May a rock become a permanent part of their favorite shoes.
May every sock they own have a hole on the big toe.
May a intern drink the last cup of coffee & not make a fresh pot.
May every pen they touch run out of ink.

Molly: May their Viagra require a three day waiting period, a colonoscopic ultrasound, and a provision for states to opt out.

Ann: May they be dragged off of every flight …on every airline, they take leaving from and coming back to Washington, DC.

Rhia: May they eternally walk into a cloud of farts that increase in potency.

Amy: May all their bacon be that thin raggedy piece of bacon at the end of the package.

Shonnese: May they always have a deep, burning and abiding itch in a place that isn’t polite to scratch in public.

Toni: May their car doors slam on their thumbs. May their iPhones die on the treadmill. May they step on tacks and bump into the edges of coffee tables. May they get brain freeze from each sip of their smoothies.

Ty: May the front wheel on Jason Chaffetz’s scooter lock up like a broken grocery cart at Wal-Mart when you move it too far away from the store.

Folake: May they get Charlie horses every night in their sleep.
May their bladders weaken and give them incontinence.
May every bite of sandwich cause diarrhea.
May migraines locate and envelope them!
May they be deprived of any sexual satisfaction!.
Awon oloshi apanilekun jaiye!!!

Alexis: May their gas bubbles always be just a little bit more. May their jollof always be imitation. May their hosiery always run when they have no clear polish. May they accidentally hit reply all to every congressional email. May their interns make embarrassing typos in every drafted letter and may they sign them unwittingly.

Jaeda: May someone fart in their elevator right before they close the doors. May someone sneeze over their favorite food.

Johanna: May they never find the pebble in their shoe or the eyelash in their eye.
May their coffee always be made wrong, and may it burn their tongue every time.
May they always forget what they needed the minute they walk into a room, and remember when they’re mid-meeting an hour later.

Loretta: May they have perpetual flatulence in public places. May they be visited by an indestructible mosquito every night at 3 AM.
May they make a horrible gaffe that gets caught on a “hot” mic that even Olivia Pope and her team of gladiators can’t fix!

Amanda: May they be weighted down by the coal that fills the space where their hearts should be.

titus amen

HEAR OUR CRIES, OH LORD!!!


Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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9 Comments

  1. Eli Nichols
    May 8, 2017 at 1:32 pm — Reply

    The Pony ringtone one kilt me.

  2. Twilla Amin
    May 8, 2017 at 2:49 pm — Reply

    May they continuously sweat through their good shirts especially when it is cold outside. May popcorn kernels get stuck in their teeth where floss nor toothpick may reach.

  3. notconvincedgranny
    May 8, 2017 at 3:57 pm — Reply

    May their children, male and female, come home with fiancees whose first and middle names are Barack Hussein.

    May the cost of their attempts at collard greens always start at $80 and their roast turkeys start at $500 and go up from there.

    May examination of their brains reveal a discount price tag and a Donald/Ivanka Trump label.

    May further examination require an electron microscope to find their IQs.

  4. Shay Nobles
    May 8, 2017 at 11:27 pm — Reply

    May their physicians only be Dr. Dre and Dr. Pepper!

  5. Elaine
    May 9, 2017 at 9:10 pm — Reply

    May they lose their sneezes
    May they get paper cuts in the creases in between their fingers
    May they lose their glasses on the tops of their heads and never find them
    May they forever smell of cat piss

    AMEN

  6. Elle
    May 10, 2017 at 10:17 am — Reply

    May their children (grandchildren and great grandchildren) publicly express shame at their involvement in the shenanigans of this administration and ask them why they helped 45 instead of working to stop him.

    May they be regarded as the accomplices of tyrants and “ain’t shit” enablers of greed.

    May their bullshit promises echo in social media and come back to bite them in the asses when they run for reelection.

    May they be under constant investigation for corruption, tax evasion and misuse of campaign funding.

    May all of their illegal activities and shady dealings leak to the media before they are aware, and they learn of their undoings while they watch the news with their families.

    May the 2018 and 2020 elections prove to be days of reckoning and usher these foxes directly out of the hen houses they are currently looting.

  7. KS
    May 10, 2017 at 2:05 pm — Reply

    “May all their partners leave them for someone younger, richer, smarter, and better looking.”

    Nah you need the reverse of this. May their partners leave them for someone butt-ass ugly who smells like feet and has Austin Powers teeth and halitosis.

  8. BegrudgingBubbleBurster
    May 11, 2017 at 9:54 am — Reply

    P.S. Your post on the DeVos commencement address at the HBCU was ON POINT and I’m still laughing my ass off applauding you for this gem:

    “Y’all Dikembe Mutombo’ed her by blocking her shot. And the ancestors smiled upon you, for your gesture of GTFOH. Harriet, Sojourner, and Mary McLeod Bethune herself, did a dance from the great beyond.”

  9. May 22, 2017 at 10:49 pm — Reply

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits and nether regions.

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